_A feast on live bulls and kava--The inhabitants admire the European
adventurers--The Emperor comes to meet the Baron, and pays him great
compliments--The inhabitants of the centre of Africa descended from
the people of the moon proved by an inscription in Africa, and by the
analogy of their language, which is also the same with that of the
ancient Scythians--The Baron is declared sovereign of the interior
of Africa on the decease of the Emperor--He endeavours to abolish the
custom of eating live bulls, which excites much discontent--The advice
of Hilaro Frosticos upon the occasion--The Baron makes a speech to an
Assembly of the states, which only excites greater murmurs--He consults
with Hilaro Frosticos._
Having passed over the nearest mountains we entered a delightful vale,
where we perceived a multitude of persons at a feast of living bulls,
whose flesh they cut away with great knives, making a table of the
creature's carcase, serenaded by the bellowing of the unfortunate
animal. Nothing seemed requisite to add to the barbarity of this feast
but _kava_, made as described in Cook's voyages, and at the conclusion
of the feast we perceived them brewing this liquor, which they drank
with the utmost avidity. From that moment, inspired with an idea of
universal benevolence, I determined to abolish the custom of eating live
flesh and drinking of kava. But I knew that such a thing could not be
immediately effected, whatever in future time might be performed.
Having rested ourselves during a few days, we determined to set out
towards the principal city of the empire. The singularity of our
appearance was spoken of all over the country as a phenomenon. The
multitude looked upon Sphinx, the bulls, the crickets, the balloons, and
the whole company, as something more than terrestrial, but especially
the thunder of our fire-arms, which struck horror and amazement into the
whole nation.
We at length arrived at the metropolis, situated on the banks of a noble
river, and the emperor, attended by all his court, came out in grand
procession to meet us. The emperor appeared mounted on a dromedary,
royally caparisoned, with all his attendants on foot through respect
for his Majesty. He was rather above the middle stature of that country,
four feet three inches in height, with a countenance, like all his
countrymen, as white as snow! He was preceded by a band of most
exquisite music, according to the fashion of the country, and his whole
retinue halted within about fifty paces of our troop. We returned the
salute by a discharge of musketry, and a flourish of our trumpets
and martial music. I commanded our caravan to halt, and dismounting,
advanced uncovered, with only two attendants, towards his Majesty. The
emperor was equally polite, and descending from his dromedary, advanced
to meet me. "I am happy," said he, "to have the honour to receive so
illustrious a traveller, and assure you that everything in my empire
shall be at your disposal."
I thanked his Majesty for his politeness, and expressed how happy I was
to meet so polished and refined a people in the centre of Africa, and
that I hoped to show myself and company grateful for his esteem, by
introducing the arts and sciences of Europe among the people.
I immediately perceived the true descent of this people, which does not
appear of terrestrial origin, but descended from some of the inhabitants
of the moon, because the principal language spoken there, and in the
centre of Africa, is very nearly the same. Their alphabet and method of
writing are pretty much the same, and show the extreme antiquity of this
people, and their exalted origin. I here give you a specimen of their
writing [_Vide Otrckocsus de Orig. Hung._ p. 46]:--Stregnah, dna
skoohtop.
These characters I have submitted to the inspection of a celebrated
antiquarian, and it will be proved to the satisfaction of every one,
in his next volume, what an immediate intercourse there must have been
between the inhabitants of the moon and the ancient Scythians, which
Scythians did not by any means inhabit a part of Russia, but the
central part of Africa, as I can abundantly prove to my very learned
and laborious friend. The above words, written in our characters, are
_Sregnah dna skoohtop_; that is, The Scythians are of heavenly origin.
The word _Sregnah_, which signifies _Scythians_, is compounded of _sreg_
or _sre_, whence our present English word sire, or sir: and _nah_,
or _gnah_, knowledge, because the Scythians united the essentials of
nobility and learning together: _dna_ signifies heaven, or belonging to
the moon, from _duna_, who was anciently worshipped as goddess of that
luminary. And _skooh-top_ signifies the origin or beginning of anything,
from _skoo_, the name used in the moon for a point in geometry, and
_top_ or _htop_, vegetation. These words are inscribed at this day upon
a pyramid in the centre of Africa, nearly at the source of the river
Niger; and if any one refuses his assent, he may go there to be
convinced.
The emperor conducted me to his court amidst the admiration of
his courtiers, and paid us every possible politeness that African
magnificence could bestow. He never presumed to proceed on any
expedition without consulting us, and looking upon us as a species
of superior beings, paid the greatest respect to our opinions. He
frequently asked me about the states of Europe, and the kingdom of Great
Britain, and appeared lost in admiration at the account I gave him of
our shipping, and the immensity of the ocean. We taught him to regulate
the government nearly on the same plan with the British constitution,
and to institute a parliament and degrees of nobility. His majesty
was the last of his royal line, and on his decease, with the unanimous
consent of the people, made me heir to the whole empire. The nobility
and chiefs of the country immediately waited upon me with petitions,
entreating me to accept the government. I consulted with my noble
friends, Gog and Magog, &c., and after much consultation it was agreed
that I should accept the government, not as actual and independent
monarch of the place, but as viceroy to his Majesty of England.
I now thought it high time to do away the custom of eating of live flesh
and drinking of kava, and for that purpose used every persuasive method
to wean the majority of the people from it. This, to my astonishment,
was not taken in good part by the nation, and they looked with jealousy
at those strangers who wanted to make innovations among them.
Nevertheless, I felt much concern to think that my fellow-creatures
could be capable of such barbarity. I did everything that a heart
fraught with universal benevolence and good will to all mankind could
be capable of desiring. I first tried every method of persuasion and
incitement. I did not harshly reprove them, but I invited frequently
whole thousands to dine, after the fashion of Europe, upon roasted meat.
Alas, 'twas all in vain! my goodness nearly excited a sedition. They
murmured among themselves, spoke of my intentions, my wild and ambitious
views, as if I, O heaven! could have had any personal interested motive
in making them live like men, rather than like crocodiles and tigers. In
fine, perceiving that gentleness could be of no avail, well knowing
that when complaisance can effect nothing from some spirits, compulsion
excites respect and veneration, I prohibited, under the pain of the
severest penalties, the drinking of kava, or eating of live flesh,
for the space of nine days, within the districts of Angalinar and
Paphagalna.
But this created such an universal abhorrence and detestation of
my government, that my ministers, and even myself, were universally
pasquinadoed; lampoons, satires, ridicule, and insult, were showered
upon the name of Munchausen wherever it was mentioned; and in fine,
there never was a government so much detested, or with such little
reason.
In this dilemma I had recourse to the advice of my noble friend Hilaro
Frosticos. In his good sense I now expected some resource, for the rest
of the council, who had advised me to the former method, had given but
a poor specimen of their abilities and discernment, or I should have
succeeded more happily. In short, he addressed himself to me and to the
council as follows:--
"It is in vain, most noble Munchausen, that your Excellency endeavours
to compel or force these people to a life to which they have never been
accustomed. In vain do you tell them that apple-pies, pudding, roast
beef, minced pies, or tarts, are delicious, that sugar is sweet, that
wine is exquisite. Alas! they cannot, they will not comprehend what
deliciousness is, what sweetness, or what the flavour of the grape. And
even if they were convinced of the superior excellence of your way of
life, never, never would they be persuaded; and that if for no other
reason, but because force or persuasion is employed to induce them to
it. Abandon that idea for the present, and let us try another method. My
opinion, therefore, is, that we should at once cease all endeavours to
compel or persuade them. But let us, if possible, procure a quantity of
_fudge_ from England, and carelessly scatter it over all the country;
and from this disposal of matters I presume--nay, I have a moral
certainty, that we shall reclaim this people from horror and barbarity."
Had this been proposed at any other time, it would have been violently
opposed in the council; but now, when every other attempt had failed,
when there seemed no other resource, the majority willingly submitted to
they knew not what, for they absolutely had no idea of the manner,
the possibilities of success, or how they could bring matters to bear.
However, 'twas a scheme, and as such they submitted. For my part, I
listened with ecstasy to the words of Hilaro Frosticos, for I knew that
he had a most singular knowledge of human kind, and could humour and
persuade them on to their own happiness and universal good. Therefore,
according to the advice of Hilaro, I despatched a balloon with four men
over the desert to the Cape of Good Hope, with letters to be forwarded
to England, requiring, without delay, a few cargoes of fudge.
The people had all this time remained in a general state of ferment and
murmur. Everything that rancour, low wit, and deplorable ignorance
could conceive to asperse my government, was put in execution. The most
worthy, even the most beneficent actions, everything that was amiable,
were perverted into opposition.
The heart of Munchausen was not made of such impenetrable stuff as to be
insensible to the hatred of even the most worthless wretch in the whole
kingdom; and once, at a general assembly of the states, filled with an
idea of such continued ingratitude, I spoke as pathetic as possible,
not, methought, beneath my dignity, to make them feel for me: that the
universal good and happiness of the people were all I wished or desired;
that if my actions had been mistaken, or improper surmises formed, still
I had no wish, no desire, but the public welfare, &c. &c. &c.
Hilaro Frosticos was all this time much disturbed; he looked sternly at
me--he frowned, but I was so engrossed with the warmth of my heart, my
intentions, that I understood him not: in a minute I saw nothing but as
if through a cloud (such is the force of amiable sensibility)--lords,
ladies, chiefs--the whole assembly seemed to swim before my sight.
The more I thought on my good intentions, the lampoons which so much
affected my delicacy, good nature, tenderness--I forgot myself--I spoke
rapid, violent--beneficence--fire--tenderness--alas! I melted into
tears!
"Pish! pish!" said Hilaro Frosticos.
Now, indeed, was my government lampooned, satirised, carribonadoed,
bepickled, and bedevilled. One day, with my arm full of lampoons, I
started up as Hilaro entered the room, the tears in my eyes: "Look, look
here, Hilaro!--how can I bear all this? It is impossible to please
them; I will leave the government--I cannot bear it! See what pitiful
anecdotes--what surmises: I will make my people feel for me--I will
leave the government!"
"Pshaw!" says Hilaro. At that simple mono-syllable I found myself
changed as if by magic! for I ever looked on Hilaro as a person so
experienced--such fortitude, such good sense. "There are three sails,
under the convoy of a frigate," added Hilaro, "just arrived at the Cape,
after a fortunate passage, laden with the fudge that we demanded.
No time is to be lost; let it be immediately conducted hither, and
distributed through the principal granaries of the empire."