_Our Baron excels Baron Tott beyond all comparison, yet fails in part of
his attempt--Gets into disgrace with the Grand Seignior, who orders his
head to be cut off--Escapes, and gets on board a vessel, in which he is
carried to Venice--Baron Tott's origin, with some account of that
great man's parents--Pope Ganganelli's amour--His Holiness fond of
shell-fish._
Baron de Tott, in his Memoirs, makes as great a parade of a single
act as many travellers whose whole lives have been spent in seeing the
different parts of the globe; for my part, if I had been blown from
Europe to Asia from the mouth of a cannon, I should have boasted less
of it afterwards than he has done of only firing off a Turkish piece of
ordnance. What he says of this wonderful gun, as near as my memory will
serve me, is this:--"The Turks had placed below the castle, and near the
city, on the banks of Simois, a celebrated river, an enormous piece
of ordnance cast in brass, which would carry a marble ball of eleven
hundred pounds weight. I was inclined," says Tott, "to fire it, but I
was willing first to judge of its effect; the crowd about me trembled at
this proposal, as they asserted it would overthrow not only the castle,
but the city also; at length their fears in part subsided, and I was
permitted to discharge it. It required not less than three hundred
and thirty pounds' weight of powder, and the ball weighed, as before
mentioned, eleven hundredweight. When the engineer brought the priming,
the crowds who were about me retreated back as fast as they could; nay,
it was with the utmost difficulty I persuaded the Pacha, who came on
purpose, there was no danger: even the engineer who was to discharge
it by my direction was considerably alarmed. I took my stand on some
stone-work behind the cannon, gave the signal, and felt a shock like
that of earthquake! At the distance of three hundred fathom the ball
burst into three pieces; the fragments crossed the strait, rebounded on
the opposite mountain, and left the surface of the water all in a foam
through the whole breadth of the channel."
This, gentlemen, is, as near as I can recollect, Baron Tott's account
of the largest cannon in the known world. Now, when I was there not long
since, the anecdote of Tott's firing this tremendous piece was mentioned
as a proof of that gentleman's extraordinary courage.
I was determined not to be outdone by a Frenchman, therefore took this
very piece upon my shoulder, and, after balancing it properly, jumped
into the sea with it, and swam to the opposite shore, from whence I
unfortunately attempted to throw it back into its former place. I say
unfortunately, for it slipped a little in my hand just as I was about to
discharge it, and in consequence of that it fell into the middle of the
channel, where it now lies, without a prospect of ever recovering it:
and notwithstanding the high favour I was in with the Grand Seignior,
as before mentioned, this cruel Turk, as soon as he heard of the loss of
his famous piece of ordnance, issued an order to cut off my head. I
was immediately informed of it by one of the Sultanas, with whom I was
become a great favourite, and she secreted me in her apartment while the
officer charged with my execution was, with his assistants, in search of
me.
That very night I made my escape on board a vessel bound to Venice,
which was then weighing anchor to proceed on her voyage.
The last story, gentlemen, I am not fond of mentioning, as I miscarried
in the attempt, and was very near losing my life into the bargain:
however, as it contains no impeachment of my honour, I would not
withhold it from you.
Now, gentlemen, you all know me, and can have no doubt of my veracity.
I will entertain you with the origin of this same swaggering, bouncing
Tott.
His reputed father was a native of Berne, in Switzerland; his profession
was that of a surveyor of the streets, lanes, and alleys, vulgarly
called a scavenger. His mother was a native of the mountains of Savoy,
and had a most beautiful large wen on her neck, common to both sexes in
that part of the world; she left her parents when young, and sought her
fortune in the same city which gave his father birth; she maintained
herself while single by acts of kindness to our sex, for she never was
known to refuse them any favour they asked, provided they did but pay
her some compliment beforehand. This lovely couple met by accident
in the street, in consequence of their being both intoxicated, for by
reeling to one centre they threw each other down; this created mutual
abuse, in which they were complete adepts; they were both carried to the
watch-house, and afterwards to the house of correction; they soon saw
the folly of quarrelling, made it up, became fond of each other, and
married; but madam returning to her old tricks, his father, who had high
notions of honour, soon separated himself from her; she then joined a
family who strolled about with a puppet-show. In time she arrived at
Rome, where she kept an oyster-stand. You have all heard, no doubt of
Pope Ganganelli, commonly called Clement XIV.: he was remarkably fond of
oysters. One Good Friday, as he was passing through this famous city in
state, to assist at high mass at St. Peter's Church, he saw this woman's
oysters (which were remarkably fine and fresh); he could not proceed
without tasting them. There were about five thousand people in his
train; he ordered them all to stop, and sent word to the church he could
not attend mass till next day; then alighting from his horse (for the
Pope always rides on horseback upon these occasions) he went into her
stall, and ate every oyster she had there, and afterwards retired into
the cellar where she had a few more. This subterraneous apartment was
her kitchen, parlour, and bed-chamber. He liked his situation so much
that he discharged all his attendants, and to make short of the story,
His Holiness passed the whole night there! Before they parted he gave
her absolution, not only for every sin she had, but all she might
hereafter commit.
_Now, gentlemen, I have his mother's word for it (and her honour cannot
be doubted), that Baron Tott is the fruit of that amour. When Tott was
born, his mother applied to His Holiness, as the father of her child; he
immediately placed him under the proper people, and as he grew up gave
him a gentleman's education, had him taught the use of arms, procured
him promotion in France, and a title, and when he died he left him a
good estate._