Mr. O'Gibbet, dropping his tone still lower, "_three_ thousand
pounds"----Titmouse started as if he had been shot. "Mind, that
_clears_ you, sir, d'ye understand? Everything! Out and out, no
reservation at all at all--divil a bit!"
"'Pon my precious soul, I shall be ruined between you all!" gasped
Titmouse, faintly.
"Sir, you're not the man I took you for," replied Mr. O'Gibbet,
impatiently and contemptuously. "Don't you see a barleycorn before your
nose? You'll be _beat_ after spending three times the money I name, and
be liable to ten thousand pounds' penalties besides for bribery"----
"Oh, 'pon my life, sir, as for _that_," said Titmouse, briskly, but
feeling sick at heart, "I've no more to do with it than--my tiger"----
"Bah! you're a babby, I see!" quoth O'Gibbet, testily. "What's the name
o' your man o' business?--there's not a minute to lose--it's your
greatest friend I mane to be, I assure ye--tut, what's his name?"
"Mr. Gammon," replied Titmouse, anxiously.
"Let him, sir, be with me at my house in Ruffian Row by nine to-morrow
morning to a minute--and alone," said Mr. O'Gibbet, with his lip close
to Titmouse's ear--"and once more, d'ye hear, sir?--a breath about this
to any one, an' you're a ruined man--you're in my power most
complately!"--With this Mr. O'Gibbet and Mr. Titmouse parted--the former
having much other similar business on hand, and the latter determined to
hurry off to Mr. Gammon forthwith: and in fact he was within the next
five minutes in his cab, on his way to Thavies' Inn.
Mr. Gammon was at Mr. O'Gibbet's (of whom he spoke to Titmouse in the
most earnest and unqualified terms of admiration) at the appointed time:
and after an hour's private conference with him, they both went off to
Mr. Flummery's official residence in Pillory Place; but what passed
there I never have been able to ascertain with sufficient accuracy to
warrant me in laying it before the reader.
When the day for taking into consideration the YATTON PETITION had
arrived--on a voice calling out at the door of the House, "Counsel in
the Yatton petition!" in walked forthwith eight learned gentlemen, four
being of counsel for the petitioner, and four for the sitting
member--attended by their respective agents, who stood behind, while the
counsel took their seats at the bar of a very crowded and excited House;
for there were several election committees to be balloted for on that
day. The door was then locked; and the order of the day was read.
Titmouse might have been seen popping up and down about the back
ministerial benches, like a parched pea. On the front Treasury bench sat
Mr. O'Gibbet, his hat slouched over his fat face, his arms folded. On
the table stood several glasses, containing little rolls of paper, each
about two or three inches long, and with the name of every member of the
House severally inscribed on them. These glasses being placed before the
Speaker, the clerk rose, and taking out one or two of the rolls of paper
at a time, presented them to the Speaker; who, opening each, read out
aloud the name inscribed, to the House. Now, the object was, on such
occasions, to draw out the names of _thirty-three_ members then present;
which were afterwards to be reduced, by each party alternately striking
off eleven names, to ELEVEN--who constituted the committee charged with
the trial of the petition. Now the astute reader will see that,
imagining the House to be divided into two great classes, viz. those
_favorable_ and those _opposed_ to the petitioner--according to whose
success or failure a vote was retained, lost, or gained to the
_party_--and as the number of thirty-three cannot be more nearly divided
than into seventeen and sixteen, 't is said by those experienced in such
matters, that in cases where it ran so close--that side invariably and
necessarily won who drew the _seventeenth_ name; seeing that each party
having eleven names of those in his opponent's interest, to expunge out
of the thirty-three, he who luckily drew this prize of the SEVENTEENTH
MAN, was sure to have SIX good men and true on the committee against the
other's FIVE. And thus of course it was, in the case of a greater or
less proportion of favorable or adverse persons answering to their
names. So keenly was all this felt and appreciated by the whole House on
these interesting--these _solemn_, these _deliberative_, and JUDICIAL
occasions--that on every name being called, there were sounds heard,
and symptoms witnessed, indicative of eager delight or intense vexation.
Now, on the present occasion, it would at first have appeared as if some
unfair advantage had been secured by the opposition; since five of
_their_ names were called, to two of those of their opponents; but then
only one of the five _answered_, (it so happening that the other four
were absent, disqualified as being petitioned against, or exempt,) while
both of the _two_ answered!--You should have seen the chagrined faces,
and heard the loud acclamations of "Ts!--ts!--ts!" on either side of the
House, when their own men's names were thus abortively called over!--the
delight visible on the other side!--The issue long hung in suspense; and
at length the scales were evenly poised, and the House was in a state of
exquisite anxiety; for the next eligible name answered to, would really
determine which side was to gain or lose a seat.
"_Sir Ezekiel Tuddington_"--cried the Speaker, amid profound and
agitated silence. He was one of the opposition--but answered not; he was
absent. "Ts! ts! ts!" cried the opposition.
"_Gabriel Grubb_"--This was a ministerial man, who rose, and said he was
serving on another committee. "Ts! ts! ts!" cried the ministerial side.
"_Bennet Barleycorn_"--(opposition)--petitioned against. "Ts! ts! ts!"
vehemently cried out the opposition.
"PHELIM O'DOODLE"----
"Here!" exclaimed that honorable member, spreading triumph over the
ministerial, and dismay over the opposition side of the House; and the
thirty-three names having been thus called and answered to, a loud buzz
arose on all sides--of congratulation or despondency.
The fate of the petition, it was said, was already as good as
decided.--The parties having retired to "strike"[3] the committee,
returned in about an hour's time, and the following members were then
sworn in, and ordered to meet the next morning at eleven o'clock:--
_Ministerial._ _Opposition._
(1.) Sir Simper Silly. (1.) Castleton Plume.
(2.) Noah No-land. (2.) Charles D'Eresby.
(3.) Phelim O'Doodle. (3.) Merton Mortimer.
(4.) Micah M'Squash. (4.) Sir Simon Alkmond, Bart.
(5.) Sir Caleb Calf. (5.) Lord Frederick Brackenbury.
(6.) Och Hubbaboo.
And the six, of course, on their meeting, chose the _chairman_, who was
a sure card--to wit, SIR CALEB CALF, Bart.[4]
Mr. Delamere's counsel and agents, together with Mr. Delamere himself,
met at consultation that evening, all with the depressed air of men who
are proceeding with any undertaking _contra spem_. "Well, what think you
of our committee?" inquired, with a significant smile, Mr. Berrington,
the eloquent, acute, and experienced leading counsel. All present
shrugged their shoulders, but at length agreed that even with _such_ a
committee, their case was an overpowering one; that _no_ committee could
dare to shut their eyes to such an array of facts as were here
collected; the clearest case of _agency_ made out--Mr. Berrington
declared--that he had ever known in all his practice; and eleven
distinct cases of BRIBERY, supported each by at least three
unexceptionable witnesses; together with half-a-dozen cases of TREATING;
in fact, the whole affair, it was admitted, had been most admirably got
up, under the management of Mr. Crafty, (who was present,) and they
_must_ succeed.
"Of course, they'll call for proof of AGENCY first," quoth Mr.
Berrington, carelessly glancing over his enormous brief; "and we'll at
once fix this--what's his name--the Unitarian parson, Muff--Muffin--eh?"
"Mudflint--Smirk Mudflint"----
"Aha!--Well!--we'll begin with him, and----then trot out Bloodsuck and
Centipede. Fix _them_--the rest all follow, and they'll strike, in spite
of their committee--or--egad--we'll have a shot at the sitting member
himself."
By eleven o'clock the next morning the committee and the parties were in
attendance--the room quite crowded--such a quantity of Yatton
faces!--There, near the chairman, with his hat perched as usual on his
bushy hair, and dressed in his ordinarily extravagant and absurd
style--his glass screwed into his eye, and his hands stuck into his
hinder coat-pockets, and resting on his hips, stood Mr. Titmouse; and
after the usual preliminaries had been gone through, up rose Mr.
Berrington with the calm confident air of a man going to open a winning
case--and an overwhelming one he _did_ open--the chairman glancing
gloomily at the five ministerials on his right, and then inquisitively
at the five opposition members on his left. The statement of Mr.
Berrington was luminous and powerful. As he went on, he disclosed almost
as minute and accurate a knowledge of the movements of the Yellows at
Yatton, as Mr. Gammon himself could have supplied him with. That
gentleman shared in the dismay felt around him. 'T was clear that there
had been infernal treachery; that they were all ruined. "By Jove!
there's no standing up against _this_--in spite of our committee--unless
we break them down at the agency--for Berrington don't overstate his
cases," whispered Mr. Granville, the leading counsel for the sitting
member, to one of his juniors, and to Gammon; who sighed and said
nothing. With all his experience in the general business of his
profession, he knew, when he said this, little or nothing of what might
be expected from a _favorable election committee_. Stronger and
stronger, blacker and blacker, closer and closer, came out the
petitioner's case. The five opposition members paid profound attention
to Mr. Berrington, and took notes; while, as for the ministerials, one
was engaged with his betting book, another writing out franks, (in which
he dealt,) a third conning over an attorney's letter, and two were
quietly playing together at "_Tit-tat-to_." As was expected, the
committee called peremptorily for proof of AGENCY; and I will say only,
that if _Smirk Mudflint_, _Barnabas Bloodsuck_, and _Seth Centipede_,
were not fixed as the "AGENTS" of the sitting member--then there is no
such relation as that of principal and agent _in rerum naturâ_; there
never was in this world an agent who had a principal, or a principal who
had an agent.--Take only, for instance, the case of Mudflint. He was
proved to have been from first to last an active member of Mr.
Titmouse's committee; attending daily, hourly, and on hundreds of
occasions, in the presence of Mr. Titmouse--canvassing with
him--consulting him--making appointments with him for calling on voters,
which appointments he invariably kept; letters in his handwriting
relating to the election, signed some by Mr. Titmouse, some by Mr.
Gammon; circulars similarly signed, and distributed by Mudflint, and the
addresses in his handwriting; several election bills paid by him on
account of Mr. Titmouse; directions given by him and observed, as to the
bringing up voters to the poll; publicans' bills paid at the
committee-room, in the presence of Mr. Titmouse--and, in short, many
other such acts as these were established against all three of the above
persons. Such a dreadful effect did all this have upon Mr. Bloodsuck and
Mr. Centipede, that they were obliged to go out, in order to get a
little gin and water; for they were indeed in a sort of death-sweat. As
for Mudflint, he seemed to get sallower and sallower every minute; and
felt almost disposed to utter an inward prayer, had he thought it would
have been of the slightest use. Mr. Berrington's witnesses were fiercely
cross-examined, but no material impression was produced upon them; and
when Mr. Granville, on behalf of the sitting member, confident and
voluble, rose to prove to the committee that his learned friend's case
was one of the most trumpery that had ever come before a committee--a
mere bottle of smoke;--that the three gentlemen in question had been no
more the agents of the sitting member than was he--the counsel then on
his legs--the agent of the Speaker of the House of Commons, and that
every one of the petitioner's witnesses was unworthy of belief--in fact
_perjured_--how suddenly awake to the importance of the investigation
became the ministerialist members! They never removed their eyes from
Mr. Granville, except to take notes of his pointed, cogent, unanswerable
observations! _He called no witnesses._ At length he sat down; and
strangers were ordered to withdraw--and 'twas well they did: for such an
amazing uproar ensued among the committee, as soon as the five
opposition members discovered, to their astonishment and disgust, that
there was the least doubt among their opponents as to the establishment
of agency, as would not, possibly, have tended to raise that committee,
as a judicial body, in public estimation. After an hour and a half's
absence, strangers were readmitted. Great was the rush--for the fate of
the petition hung on the decision to be immediately pronounced. As soon
as the counsel had taken their seats, and the eager, excited crowd been
subdued into something like silence, the chairman, Sir Caleb Calf, with
a flushed face, and a very uneasy expression, read from a sheet of
foolscap paper, which he held in his hand, as follows:--
"Resolved--That the Petitioner's Counsel be directed to _proceed_ with
evidence of AGENCY," [_i. e._ the committee were of opinion that no
sufficient evidence had yet been given, to establish Messrs. Mudflint,
Bloodsuck, and Centipede, as the agents of Mr. Titmouse, in the election
for Yatton!!!] The five opposition members sat with stern indignant
faces, all with their backs turned towards the chairman; and nothing but
a very high tone of feeling, and chivalrous sense of their position, as
members of a public committee of the House of Commons, prevented their
repeating in public their fierce protest against the monstrous decision
at which the committee, through the casting voice of the redoubtable
chairman, had arrived.
Their decision was not immediately understood or appreciated by the
majority of those present. After a pause of some moments, and amid
profound silence--
"Have I rightly understood the resolution of the committee, sir,"
inquired Mr. Berrington, with an amazed air, "that the evidence already
adduced _is not sufficient_ to satisfy them as to the _agency_ of
Messrs. Mudflint, Bloodsuck, and Centipede?"
"The committee _meant_, sir, to express as much," replied the chairman,
dryly, and he sealed a letter with affected indifference: _affected_,
indeed! the letter being one addressed to a friend, to desire him
forthwith to take a hostile message on his--the chairman's--behalf to
Colonel D'Eresby, one of the committee, who had, during the discussion
with closed doors, spoken his mind pretty freely concerning the conduct
of the aforesaid chairman!
"Good God!" exclaimed Mr. Berrington, (on receiving the chairman's
answer to his inquiry,) in a tone of voice loud enough to be heard all
over the room, "_neither would they believe though one rose from the
dead_."
"We'd better strike," said his juniors.
"I think so, too," said Mr. Berrington; adding, as he turned towards
the committee with an air of undisguised disgust, "I protest, sir, that
never in the whole course of my experience have I been so astounded as I
am at the decision to which the committee has just come. Probably, under
these circumstances, the committee will be pleased to adjourn till the
morning, to give us an opportunity of considering the course we shall
pursue." (This produced a great sensation.)
"Certainly, let it be so," replied the chairman, blandly, yet anxiously;
and the committee broke up. Before they met again, three shots a-piece
had been exchanged between the chairman and Colonel D'Eresby--"happily
without effect," and the parties left the ground in as hostile a spirit
as they had reached it. I will say for the colonel, that he was a plain,
straightforward soldier, who did not understand nonsense, nor could
tolerate coquetting with an oath.
"Of course the petition is dropped?" said Mr. Berrington, bitterly, as
soon as all were assembled in the evening, in consultation at his
chambers.
"Of course," was the answer, in a sufficiently melancholy tone.
"So help me heaven!" said Mr. Berrington, "I feel disposed to say I will
never again appear before a committee. This sort of thing cannot go on
much longer! To think that every man of that committee is sworn before
God to do his duty! I'll take care to strike every one of those six men
off from any future list that _I_ may have to do with!"
"I can say only," remarked the second counsel, a calm and experienced
lawyer, "that, in my opinion, had all of us sat down to frame,
beforehand, a perfect case of agency--with facts at will--we could never
have framed one stronger than the one to-day declared insufficient."
"I have been in seven other petitions," said Mr. Berrington, "this very
week; but there the sitting members were Tories: Gracious Heaven! what
facts have been _there_ held sufficient proof of agency!--The _Barnard
Castle_ committee yesterday held that to have been seen once shaking
hands in a pastry-cook's shop with the sitting member, was sufficient
evidence of _agency_--and we've lost the seat! In the _Cucumber_
committee, a man who by chance stood once under a doorway with the
sitting member, in a sudden shower of rain--was held thereby to have
become his agent; and we _there_ also lost the seat!--Faugh! what would
foreigners say if they heard such things?"
"It's perhaps hardly worth mentioning," said Mr. Parkinson; "but this
afternoon I happened to see Mr. O'Gibbet dining with Mr. O'Doodle, Mr.
Hubbaboo, and Mr. M'Squash, off pork and greens, at the Jolly Thieves'
Tavern, in Dodge Street----I--I--they were talking together very
eagerly"----
"The less we say about _that_ the better," replied Mr. Berrington; "I
have not had my eyes shut, I can tell you! It's a hard case, Mr. Crafty;
but after all your pains, and the dreadful expense incurred, it's
nevertheless quite farcical to think of going on with a committee like
this"----
"Of course the petition is abandoned," replied Crafty.
The next morning they again appeared before the committee.
"I have to inform the committee," commenced Mr. Berrington, with
sufficient sternness, "that my learned friends and I, who had, in our
ignorance and inexperience, imagined, till yesterday, that the evidence
we then opened was ten times more than sufficient to establish agency
before any _legal_ tribunal"----
"Counsel will be pleased to moderate their excitement, and to treat the
committee with due respect," interrupted the chairman, warmly, and
reddening as he spoke; while the ministerial members looked very
fiercely at Mr. Berrington, and one or two placed their arms a-kimbo.
--"Have come to the determination to withdraw the petitioner's case from
before the committee; as, under existing circumstances, it would be
utterly absurd to attempt"----
"Fait, sir, an' you're mighty indacent--ye are--an' you'd better keep a
civil tongue in your head," said Mr. O'Doodle, fiercely, and with an
insolent look at Mr. Berrington.
"Sir," said the latter, addressing Mr. O'Doodle with a bitter smile--"as
it is possible to stand where I do without ceasing to be a gentleman, so
it is possible to sit _there_--without becoming one."
"Sir--Misther Chairman--I'll only just ask you, sir--isn't _that_ a
brache of privelige"----
"Oh, be aisy--aisy wid ye--and isn't he _hired_ to say all this?"
whispered Mr. Hubbaboo; and the indignant senator sat down.
"The petition is withdrawn, sir," said Mr. Berrington, calmly.
"Then," subjoined his opponent, as quietly rising as his learned friend
had sat down, "I respectfully apply to the committee to vote it
_Frivolous and vexatious_."
"Possibly the committee will pause before going _that_ length," said Mr.
Berrington, very gravely; but he was mistaken. Strangers were ordered to
withdraw; and, on their readmission, the chairman read the resolution of
the committee, that "Tittlebat Titmouse, Esq., had been and was duly
elected to serve for the borough of Yatton; and that the petition
against his return was FRIVOLOUS and VEXATIOUS:" by which decision, all
the costs and expenses incurred by Mr. Titmouse were thrown upon his
opponent, Mr. Delamere--a just penalty for his wanton and presumptuous
attempt. This decision was welcomed by the crowd in the committee-room
with clapping of hands, stamping of feet, and cheering.--Such was the
fate of the YATTON PETITION. Mr. Titmouse, on entering the House that
evening, was received with loud cheers from the ministerial benches: and
within a few minutes afterwards, Lord Frederick Brackenbury, to give the
House and the public an idea of the important service performed by the
committee, rose and moved that the _evidence should be printed_--which
was ordered.
The next day a very distinguished patriot gathered some of the blooming
fruit of the _Bill for giving Everybody Everything_--(not for himself
personally, however, but _as a trustee for the public_;) so, at least, I
should infer from the following fact, that whereas in the morning his
balance at the banker's was exactly £3, 10s. 7-1/2d.--by the afternoon,
it was suddenly augmented to £3,003, 10s. 7-1/2d.--shortly expressed
thus:--
"£3: 10: 7-1/2 + £3,000 = £3,003: 10: 7-1/2."
Thus might my friend Titmouse exclaim, "Out of this nettle _danger_ I
have plucked the flower _safety_!" 'T was, indeed, fortunate for the
country, that such, and so early, had been the termination of the
contest for the representation of Yatton; for it enabled Mr. Titmouse at
once to enter, with all the energy belonging to his character, upon the
discharge of his legislatorial functions. The very next day after his
own seat had been secured to him by the decision of the committee, he
was balloted for, and chosen one of the members of a committee of which
_Swindle O'Gibbet, Esquire_, was chairman, for trying the validity of
the return of two Tory impostors for an Irish county. So marvellously
quick an insight into the merits of the case did he and his brethren in
the committee obtain, that they intimated, on the conclusion of the
petitioner's counsel's opening address, that it would be quite
superfluous for him to call witnesses in support of a statement of
facts, which it was presumed the sitting members could not think of
seriously contesting. Against this, the sitting members' counsel
remonstrated with indignant energy; on which the committee thought it
best to let him take his own course, which would entail its own
consequences; viz. that the opposition to the petition would be voted
frivolous and vexatious. A vast deal of evidence was then adduced, after
which, as might have been expected, the committee reported to the House,
that Lord Beverly de Wynston (who owned half the county for which he had
presumed to stand) and Sir Harry Eddington, (who owned pretty near the
other half,) both being resident in the county, had been unduly
returned; that two most respectable gentlemen, Mr. O'Shirtless and Mr.
O'Toddy (the one a discarded attorney's clerk, and the other an
insolvent publican, neither of whom had ever been in the county till the
time of the election) ought to have been returned; and the clerk of the
House was to amend the return accordingly; and that the opposition to
the petition had been frivolous and vexatious: which last was an
ingenious and happy device for making the peer and baronet pay the
expense of Messrs. O'Shirtless and O'Toddy's election! Mr. Titmouse
after this formed an intimate acquaintance with the two gentlemen, whom,
infinitely to their own astonishment, he had helped to seat for the
county, and who had many qualities kindred to his own, principally in
the matter of dress and drink. Very shortly afterwards he was elected
one of a committee to inquire into the operation of the Usury Laws, and
another of a still more important character--viz. to inquire into the
state of our relations with foreign powers, with reference to free trade
and the permanent preservation of peace. They continued sitting for a
month, and the latter thus stated the luminous result of their inquiry
and deliberation, in their report to the House: "That the only effectual
mode of securing permanently the good-will of foreign powers, was by
removing all restrictions upon their imports into this country, and
imposing prohibitory duties upon our exports into theirs; at the same
time reducing our naval and military establishments to a point which
should never thereafter occasion uneasiness to any foreign power. And
that any loss of revenue occasioned by the adoption of the former
suggestion, would be compensated for by the saving of expenditure
effected by carrying into effect the latter." He also served on one or
two private committees, attended by counsel. In the course of their
inquiries many very difficult and complicated questions arose, which
called forth great ability on the part of counsel. On one occasion, in
particular, I recollect that Mr. DEPTH, one of the most dexterous and
subtile reasoners to be found at the English bar, having started the
great question really at issue between the parties, addressed a long and
most masterly argument to the committee. He found himself, after some
time, making rapid way with them; and in particular, there were
indications that he had at length powerfully arrested the attention of
Mr. Titmouse, who, with his chin resting on his open hand, and his elbow
on the table, leaned forward towards Mr. Depth, on whom he fixed his eye
apparently with deep attention. How mistaken, however, was Depth!
Titmouse was thinking all the while of two very different matters; viz.
whether he could possibly sit it out without a bottle of soda-water,
laboring as he was, under the sickening effects of excessive potations
over-night; and also whether his favorite little terrier, Titty, would
win or lose in her encounter on the morrow with fifty rats--that being
the number which Mr. Titmouse had betted three to one she would kill in
three minutes' time. The decision to which that committee might come,
would affect interests to the amount of nearly a million sterling, and
might or might not occasion a monstrous invasion of vested rights!
He still continued to occupy his very handsome apartments at the Albany.
You might generally have seen him, about ten o'clock in the morning, (or
say _twelve_, when his attendance was not required upon committees,)
reclining on his sofa, enveloped in a yellow figured satin
dressing-gown, smoking an enormous hookah; with a little table before
him, with a decanter of gin, cold water, and a tumbler or two upon it.
On a large round table near him lay a great number of dinner and evening
cards, notes, letters, public and private, vote-papers, and
Parliamentary reports. Beside him, on the sofa, lay the last number of
the _Sunday Flash_--to which, and to the _Newgate Calendar_, his reading
was, in fact, almost entirely confined. Over his mantelpiece was a large
hideous oil-painting of two brawny and half-naked ruffians, in boxing
attitude; opposite was a very large picture (for which he had given
seventy guineas) of Lord Scaramouch's dog Nestor, in his famous
encounter with two hundred rats, which he killed in the astonishingly
short space of seven minutes and fifteen seconds. Opposite to the door,
however, was the great point of attraction; viz. a full-length portrait
of Titmouse himself. His neck was bare, his ample shirt-collar being
thrown down over his shoulders, and his face looking upwards. The artist
had labored hard to give it that fine indignant expression with which,
in pictures of men of genius, they are generally represented as looking
up towards the moon; but nature was too strong for him--his eye too
accurate, and his brush too obedient to his eye; so that the only
expression he could bring out was one of sensuality and stupid wonder. A
rich green mantle enveloped Titmouse's figure; and amid its picturesque
folds, was visible his left hand, holding them together, and with a
glittering ring on the first and last fingers. In one corner of the
room, on a table, were a pair of foils; and on the ground near them,
three or four pairs of boxing-gloves. On another table lay a guitar--on
another a violin; on both of which delightful instruments he was taking
almost daily lessons. Though the room was both elegantly and expensively
furnished, (according to the taste of its former occupant,) it was now
redolent--as were Mr. Titmouse's clothes--of the odors of tobacco-smoke
and gin and water. Here it was that Mr. Titmouse would often spend hour
after hour boxing with Billy Bully, the celebrated prize-fighter and
pickpocket; or, when somewhat far gone in liquor, playing cribbage or
put with his valet--an artful, impudent fellow, who had gained great
influence over him.
As for the House--Modesty (the twin-sister of Merit) kept Mr. Titmouse
for a long time very quiet there. He saw the necessity of attentively
watching everything which passed around him, in order to become
practically familiar with the routine of business, before he ventured to
step forward into action, and distinguish himself. He had not been long,
however, thus prudently occupied, when an occasion presented itself, of
which he availed himself with all the bold felicitous promptitude of
genius--whose prime distinguishing characteristic is the successful
seizure of opportunity. He suddenly saw that he should be able to bring
into play an early accomplishment of his--one of which, when acquiring
it, how little he dreamed of the signal uses to which it might be
afterwards turned! The great Coke hath somewhere said to the legal
student, that there is no kind or degree of knowledge whatsoever, so
apparently vain and useless that it shall not, if remembered, at one
time or other serve his purpose. Thus it seemed about to be with Mr.
Titmouse, to whom it chanced in this wise. In early life, while
following the humble calling in which he was occupied when first
presented to the reader, he used to amuse himself, in his long journeys
about the streets, with bundle and yard-measure under his arm, by
imitating the cries of cats, the crowing of cocks, the squeaking of
pigs, the braying of donkeys, and the yelping of curs; in which matters
he became at length so great a proficient, as to attract the admiring
attention of passers-by, and to afford great entertainment to the
circles in which he visited. There is probably no man living, though
ever so great a fool, who cannot do _something_ or other well; and
Titmouse became a surprising proficient in the arts I have alluded to.
He could imitate a _bluebottle fly_ buzzing about the window, and,
lighting upon it, abruptly cease its little noise, and anon flying off
again, as suddenly resume it;--a _chicken_, peering and picking its way
cautiously among the growing cabbages;--a _cat_, at midnight on the
moonlit tiles, pouring forth the sorrows of her heart on account of the
absence of her inconstant mate;--a _cock_, suddenly waking out of some
horrid dream--it might be the nightmare--and in the ecstasy of its
fright, crowing as though it would split at once its throat and heart,
alarming all mankind;--a little _cur_, yelping with mingled fear and
rage, at the same time, as it were, advancing backwards, in view of a
fiendish tomcat, with high-curved back, flaming eyes, and spitting
fury. I only wish you had heard Mr. Titmouse on these occasions; it
might, perhaps, even have reminded you of the observation of Dr.
Johnson, that genius, is, "great natural powers accidentally directed."
Now there was, on a certain night, about three months after Titmouse had
been in the House, a kind of pitched battle between the ministry and
their formidable opponents; in which the speakers on each side did their
best to prove (and in the opinion of many, _successfully_) that their
opponents were apostates; utterly worthless; destitute alike of public
and private virtue; unfit to govern; and unworthy of the confidence of
the country, which aforesaid country was indeed in happy plight in
possessing a Parliament unanimous in one thing at least--viz. its own
worthlessness. My Lord Bulfinch rose late on the third evening of the
debate--never had been seen so full a House during the session--and in a
long and able speech contended, (first,) that the opposite side were
selfish, ignorant, and dishonest; and (secondly,) that Ministers had
only imitated their example. He was vehemently cheered from time to
time, and sat down amid a tempest of applause. Up then rose the
ex-minister and leaders of the opposition, and in a very few moments
there was scarce a sound to be heard except that of the delicious
voice--at once clear, harmonious, distinct in utterance, and varied in
intonation--of incomparably the finest Parliamentary orator of the day,
Mr. VIVID. The hearts of those around him, who centred all their hopes
in him, beat with anxious pride. He had a noble cast of countenance--a
brilliant eye--strongly marked and most expressive features--a
commanding figure--a graceful and winning address. His language,
accurate, refined, copious, and vigorous, every word he uttered, _told_.
His illustrations were as rich and apt as his reasonings were close and
cogent; and his powers of ridicule were unrivalled. On the present
occasion he was thoroughly roused, and put forth all his powers: he and
Lord Bulfinch had been waiting for each other during the whole debate;
but Mr. Vivid had at length secured the reply, and truly regarded
himself as the mouthpiece of a great and grievously slandered party in
the state, whom he had risen to vindicate from the elaborate and
envenomed aspersions of Lord Bulfinch, who sat, speedily pierced
through and through with the arrows of poignant sarcasm, amid the loud
laughter of even his own side, so irresistible was the humor of the
speaker. Even Mr. O'Gibbet, who had been from time to time exclaiming
half aloud to those around--"Och, the pitiful fellow! The stupid
baste!--Nivir mind him--Divil a word, my Lord!"--was at length subdued
into silence. In fact, the whole House was rushing along with the rapid,
brilliant, and impassioned speaker. Every now and then, vehement and
tumultuous cheering would burst forth from the opposition, as from one
man, answered by as vehement and determined cheering from the
ministerial benches; but you could not fail to observe an anxious and
alarmed expression stealing over the faces of Lord Bulfinch's
supporters. His Lordship sat immovably, with his arms folded, and eyes
fixed on his opponent, and a bitter smile on his face, glancing
frequently, however, with increasing anxiety towards Mr. O'SQUEAL, the
only "great gun" he had left--that gentleman having undertaken (_infelix
puer, atque impar congressus Achilli!_) to reply to Mr. Vivid. Poor Mr.
O'Squeal himself looked pale and dispirited, and would probably have
given up all his little prospects to be able to sneak away from the post
he had so eagerly occupied, and devolve upon others the responsibility
of replying to a speech looming more and more dreadfully upon his
trembling faculties every moment, as infinitely more formidable in all
points of view than anything he had anticipated. The speech must
electrify the public, even as it was then electrifying the House. He
held a sheet of paper in one hand resting on his knee, and a pen in the
other, with which he incessantly took notes--only to disguise his
fright; for his mind went not with his pen--all he heard was above and
beyond him; he might as well have thought of whistling down a whirlwind;
yet there was no escape for him. Was the uneasy eye of Lord Bulfinch,
more and more frequently directed towards him, calculated to calm or
encourage him? or the sight of the adroit, sarcastic, and brilliant
debater sitting opposite, who had his eye on Mr. O'Squeal, and was
evidently to rise and reply to him? Mr. O'Squeal began to feel cold as
death, and at length burst into a chilly perspiration. After a two
hours' speech, of uncommon power and brilliance, Mr. Vivid wound up with
a rapid and striking recapitulation of the leading points of his policy
when in power, which, he contended, were in triumphant contrast with
those of his successors, which were wavering, inconsistent, perilous to
every national interest, and in despicable subservience to the vilest
and lowest impulses. "And now, sir," said Mr. Vivid, turning to the
Speaker, and then directing a bold and indignant glance of defiance at
Lord Bulfinch--"does the noble Lord opposite talk of _impeachment_! I
ask him in the face of this House, and of the whole country, whose eyes
are fixed upon it with anxiety and agitation--will he presume to repeat
his threat? or will any one on his behalf?"--(turning a glance of
withering scorn towards Mr. O'Squeal)--"Sir, I pause for a reply!"--And
he _did_ pause--several seconds elapsing in dead silence, which was
presently, however, broken in a manner that was perfectly unprecedented,
and most astounding. 'T was a reply to his question; but such as, had he
anticipated it, he would never have put that question, or paused for its
answer.
"_Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o!_" issued, with inimitable fidelity of tone and
manner, from immediately behind Lord Bulfinch, who sprang from his seat
as if he had been shot. Every one started; Mr. Vivid recoiled a pace or
two from the table--and then a universal peal of laughter echoed from
all quarters of the House, not excepting even the strangers' gallery.
The Speaker was convulsed, and could not rise to call "order." Lord
Bulfinch laughed himself almost into fits; even those immediately behind
Mr. Vivid were giving way to uncontrollable laughter, at so comical and
monstrous an issue. He himself tried for a moment to join in the laugh,
but in vain; he was terribly disconcerted and confounded. This frightful
and disgusting incident had done away with the effect of his whole
speech; and in twenty-four hours' time, the occurrence would be exciting
merriment and derision in every corner of the kingdom!
"Order! order! order!" cried the Speaker, his face red and swollen with
scarce subdued laughter. Several times Mr. Vivid attempted to resume,
only, however, occasioning renewed peals of laughter. Still he
persevered; and, with much presence of mind, made a pointed and witty
allusion to Rome, saved by the cackling of a goose, in which manner he
said the ministers hoped that night to be saved! 'T was, however,
plainly useless; and after a moment or two's pause of irresolution, he
yielded to his miserable fate, with visible vexation abruptly concluded
his observations, gathered hastily together his papers, and resumed his
seat and his hat--a signal for renewed laughter and triumphant cheering
from the ministerial side of the House. Up _then_ started Mr.
O'Squeal--(as it were under cover of the cock)--and dashed boldly off at
one or two of the weakest points which had been made by his discomfited
adversary, which he dealt with very dexterously; and then threw up a
vast number of rhetorical fireworks, amid the glitter and blaze of which
he sat down, and was enthusiastically cheered. 'T was my friend Mr.
Titmouse that had worked this wonder, and entirely changed the fate of
the day! Up rose Mr. O'Squeal's dreaded opponent--but in vain; he was
quite crestfallen; evidently in momentary apprehension of receiving an
interruption similar to that which Mr. Vivid had experienced. He was
nervous and fidgety--as well he might be; and would most assuredly have
shared the fate of Mr. Vivid, but that Titmouse was (not without very
great difficulty) restrained by Lord Bulfinch, on the ground that the
desired effect had been produced, and would be only impaired by a
repetition. The debate came somewhat abruptly to a close; and the
opposition were beaten by a majority of a _hundred and thirty_--which
really looked something like a working majority.
This happy occurrence at once brought Mr. Titmouse into notice, and very
great favor with his party;--well, indeed, it might, for he had become a
most powerful auxiliary, and need it be added how dreaded and detested
he was by their opponents? How could it be otherwise, with even their
leading speakers, who could scarcely ever afterwards venture on anything
a little out of the common way--a little higher flight than usual--being
in momentary apprehension of being suddenly brought down by some such
disgusting and ludicrous interruption as the one I have mentioned,
indicating the effect which the ambitious speaker was producing upon--a
cat, a donkey, a cock, or a puppy? Ah, me! what a sheep's eye each of
them cast, as he went on, towards Titmouse! And if ever he was observed
to be absent, there was a sensible improvement in the tone and spirit
of the opposition speakers. The ministerial journals all over the
country worked the joke well; and in their leading articles against
any of Mr. Vivid's speeches, would "sum up all, in one memorable
word--'_cock-a-doodle-do!_'"
As is generally the case, the signal success of Mr. Titmouse brought
into the field a host of imitators in the House; and their performances,
inferior though they were, becoming more and more frequent, gave quite a
new character to the proceedings of that dignified deliberative
assembly. At length, however, it was found necessary to pass a
resolution of the House against such practices; and it was entered on
the journals, that thenceforth no honorable member should interrupt
business by whistling, singing, or imitating the sounds of animals, or
making any other disgusting noise whatsoever.
The political importance thus acquired by Mr. Titmouse--and which he
enjoyed till the passing of the above resolution, by which it was cut up
root and branch--had naturally a very elevating effect upon him; as you
might have perceived, had you only once seen him swaggering along the
House to his seat behind the front Treasury bench, dressed in his usual
style of fashion, and with his quizzing-glass stuck into his eye. Mr.
O'Gibbet invariably greeted him with the utmost cordiality, and would
often, at a pinching part of an opposition speech, turn round and invoke
his powers, by the exclamation--"Now, now, Titty!" He dined, in due
course, with the Speaker--as usual, in full court-dress; and, having got
a little champagne in his head, insisted on going through his leading
"imitations," infinitely to the amusement of some half dozen of the
guests, and _all_ the servants. His circle of acquaintance was extending
every day; he became a very welcome guest, as an object of real
curiosity. He was not a man, however, to be always enjoying the
hospitality of others, without at least offering a return; and, at the
suggestion of an experienced friend in the House, he commenced a series
of "Parliamentary dinners," (presumptuous little puppy!) at the
Gliddington Hotel. They went off with much _éclat_, and were duly
chronicled in the daily journals, as thus:--
"On Saturday, Mr. Titmouse, M. P., entertained (his third dinner
given this session) at the Gliddington Hotel, the following (among
others) distinguished members of the House of Commons: Lord Nothing
Nowhere, Sir Simper Silly, Mr. Flummery, Mr. O'Gibbet, Mr. Outlaw,
Lord Beetle, Colonel Quod, and several others."
Mr. Titmouse, at length, thought himself warranted in inviting Lord
Bulfinch!--and the SPEAKER!!--and LORD FIREBRAND, (the Foreign
Secretary;) all of whom, however, very politely declined, pleading
previous engagements. I can hardly, in fairness, give Mr. Titmouse the
credit of these latter proceedings; which were, in fact, suggested to
him, in the first instance, by two or three young wags in the House;
who, barring a little difference in the way of bringing up, were every
whit as great fools and coxcombs as himself, and equally entitled to the
confidence of their favored constituencies, and of the country, as so
calculated for the purpose of practical legislation, and that
remodelling of the national institutions of the country, upon which the
new House of Commons seemed bent.
Have YOU, reader, ever given your vote and interest to return a TITMOUSE
to Parliament?
'T was truly delightful to see the tables of these young gentlemen
groaning under daily accumulations of Parliamentary documents,
containing all sorts of political and statistical information, collected
and published with vast labor and expense, for the purpose of informing
their powerful intellects upon the business of the country, so that they
might come duly prepared to the important discussions in the House, on
all questions of domestic and foreign policy. As for Mr. Titmouse, he
never relished the idea of perusing and studying these troublesome and
repulsive documents--page after page, filled with long rows of figures,
tables of prices, of exchanges, &c., reports of the evidence, _verbatim
et literatim_, taken in question and answer before every committee that
sat; all sorts of expensive and troublesome "returns," moved for by any
one that chose; he rather contented himself with attending to what went
on in the House; and at the close of the session, all the documents in
question became the perquisite of his valet, who got a good round sum
for them (uncut) as waste paper.
It is not difficult to understand the pleasure which my little friend
experienced, in dispensing such favors and courtesies, as those of
orders for the gallery, and franks, to applicants for them; for all his
show of feeling it a "_bore_" to be asked. 'T was these small matters
which, as it were, brought home to him a sense of his dignity, and made
him _feel_ the possession of station and authority. I know not but that
the following application was more gratifying to him than any which he
received:--
"T. Tag-rag's best respects to T. Titmouse, Esq. M. P., and
begs to say how _greatly_ he will account y^e favor of obtaining
an order to be Admitted to the Gallery of the House of Commons
for to-morrow night, to hear the debate on the Bill for
Doing away with the _Nuisance_ of Dustmen's cries of a morning.
"With Mrs. T.'s and daughter's respectful comp^{ts}.
"T. TITMOUSE, ESQ. M. P."
On receiving this, Titmouse looked out for the finest sheet of glossy
extra-superfine gilt Bath post, scented, and in a fine flourishing hand
wrote as follows:--
Please To Admit y^e Barer To The Galery of The House of
Commons.--T. TITMOUSE. Wednesday, March 6^{th}. 18--."
But the reader, who must have been highly gratified by the unexpectedly
rapid progress of Mr. Titmouse in Parliamentary life, will be,
doubtless, as much interested by hearing that corresponding distinction
awaited him in the regions of science and literature; his pioneer
thither being one who had long enjoyed a very distinguishing eminence;
successfully combining the character and pursuits of scholar and
philosopher with those of a man of fashion--I mean a DOCTOR DIABOLUS
GANDER. Though upwards of sixty, he found means so effectually to
disguise his age, that he would have passed for barely forty. He had
himself so strong a predilection for dress, that the moment he saw
Titmouse he conceived a certain secret respect for that gentleman; and,
in fact, the two dressed pretty nearly in the same style. The doctor
passed for a philosopher in society. He had spent most of his days in
drilling youth in the elements of the mathematics; of which he had the
same kind and degree of knowledge that is possessed of English
literature by an old governess who has spent her life in going over the
first part of Lindley Murray's English Grammar with children. Just so
much did the doctor know of the scope, the object, the application of
the mathematics. His great distinguishing talent was, that of rendering
the most abstruse science, "_popular_;"--_i.e._ utterly unintelligible
to those who did understand science, and very exciting and entertaining
to those who did _not_. He had a knack of getting hold of obscure and
starving men of genius and science, and secretly availing himself of
their labors. He would pay them with comparative liberality to write, in
an elegant style, on subjects of pure and mixed science; but when
published, the name of _Diabolus Gander_ would appear upon the
title-page; and, to enable the doctor to do this with _some_ comfort to
his conscience, he would actually copy out the whole of the manuscript,
and make a few alterations in it. But, alas! _omne quod tetìgit
fædavit_; and it invariably happened that these were the very _maculæ_
pitched upon, exposed, and ridiculed by reviewers. No man could spread
his small stock over a larger surface than Dr. Gander; no man be more
successful in ingratiating himself with those persons so useful to an
enterprising empiric--viz. wealthy fools. He paid constant court to
Titmouse, from the first moment he saw him; and took the liberty of
calling--unasked--the very next day, at his rooms in the Albany. He soon
satisfied Titmouse that his glib visitor was a great philosopher, whom
it was an advantage and a distinction to be acquainted with. He took my
little admiring friend, for instance, to hear him deliver a lecture at
the Hanover Square Rooms, to a crowd of fine ladies and old gentlemen,
who greatly applauded all he said, upon a subject equally abstruse,
interesting, and instructive; viz. the occult qualities of _Triangles_.
In short, he was indefatigable in his attentions to Titmouse, and was a
very frequent guest at his dinner-table. He gave Titmouse, on one of
these occasions, an amazing account of the distinction accruing to a
member of any of the great learned societies; and, in fact, quite
inflamed his little imagination upon the subject--sounding him as to his
wish to become a member of some great society, in common with half the
dukes, marquises, earls, and barons in the kingdom--in particular his
own august kinsman, the Earl of Dreddlington himself.
"Why--a--'pon my soul--" quoth Titmouse, grinning, as he tossed
off his tenth glass of champagne with the bland and voluble
doctor--"I--I--shouldn't much dislike a thingumbob or two at the
end of my name--but what's the figure?"
"Certainly, I myself, as a zealous lover of science, my dear sir,
consider her honors always well bestowed on those eminent in rank and
station; though they may not have gone through the drudgery of
scientific details, sir, their countenance _irradiates_ the pale cheek
of unobtrusive science"----
"Ya--a--s, 'pon honor, it certainly does," quoth Titmouse, not exactly,
however, comprehending the doctor's fine figure of speech.
"Now, look you, Mr. Titmouse," continued the doctor, "the greatest
society in all England, out and out, is the CREDULOUS SOCIETY. I happen
to have some _leetle_ influence there, through which I have been able, I
am happy to say, to introduce several noblemen."
"Have you, by Jove?" cried Titmouse; "but what the devil do they _do_
there?"
"Do, my dear sir! They meet for the purpose of--consider the
distinguished men that are Fellows of that society! It was only the
other day that the Duke of Tadcaster told me, (the very day after I had
succeeded in getting his Grace elected,) that he was as proud of the
letters 'F. C. S,' added to his name, as he was of his dukedom!"
"By Jove!--No--but--'pon honor bright--did he? Can you get _me_ into
it?" inquired Titmouse, eagerly.
"I--oh--why--you see, my very dear sir, you're certainly rather young,"
quoth the doctor, gravely, pausing and rubbing his chin; "_if_ it could
be managed, it would be a splendid thing for you--eh?"
"By jingo, I should think so!" replied Titmouse.
"I think I've been asked by at least a dozen noblemen for my influence,
but I've not felt myself warranted"----
"Oh, well! then _in course_ there's an end of it," interrupted Titmouse,
with an air of disappointment; "and cuss me if ever I cared a pin about
it--I see I've not the ghost of a chance."
"I don't know _that_ either," replied the doctor, musingly. His design
had been all along to confer sufficient obligation on Titmouse, to
induce him to lend the doctor a sum of four or five hundred pounds to
embark in some wild scheme or other, and also to make Titmouse useful to
him for other purposes, from time to time.--"As you are so young,"
continued the doctor, "I am afraid it will be necessary in some sort of
way to give you a kind of scientific pretension--ah, by Archimedes! but
I have it!--I have it!--You see, I've a treatise in the press, and
nearly ready for publication, upon a particularly profound subject--but,
you'll understand me, explained in a perfectly popular manner--in fact,
my dear sir, it is a grand discovery of my own, which will in future
ages be placed side by side of that of Sir Isaac Newton"----
"Is _he_ a member of it too?" inquired Titmouse.
"No, my dear sir!" quoth the doctor, slightly staggered: "not bodily;
but his _spirit_ is with us! We feel it influencing all our
deliberations; though he died a quarter of a century before we were
established! But to return to the _discovery_ I was mentioning; as Sir
Isaac discovered the principle of GRAVITATION, (otherwise weight, or
heaviness,) so, Mr. Titmouse, I have discovered the principle of
LIGHTNESS!"
"You don't say so! 'Pon my life, amazing!" exclaimed Mr. Titmouse.
"And equally true, as amazing. As soon as I shall have indicated its
tendencies and results, my discovery will effect a revolution in the
existing system of physical science."
"Ah! that's what they talked about in the House last
night--_Revolution_. 'Pon my soul, I don't like revolutions
though--Folks _fight_ then--eh?" exclaimed Titmouse, uneasily.
"I am speaking of something quite different, my dear Titmouse," said Dr.
Gander, with a slight appearance of pique; "but to proceed with what I
had intended. Since I have been sitting here, my dear sir, it has
occurred to me that I have an excellent opportunity of evincing my sense
of your kindness towards me, and my appreciation of your distinguished
position--Sir, I intend to DEDICATE my work to you!"
"Sir, you're amazing kind--most uncommon polite!" quoth Titmouse, who
had not the slightest notion of what a "dedication" meant.--Within a
week or two's time, sure enough, appeared a handsome octavo volume,
beautifully printed and splendidly bound, entitled,
"RESEARCHES into _Physical Science_, with a view to the
Establishment of a NEW PRINCIPLE--
LIGHTNESS.
BY
DIABOLUS GANDER, ESQUIRE,
LL.D.; F. C. S.; Q. U. A. K.; G. Ö. S.; Secretary of the
_Empirical Society_; Corresponding Member of the _Leipzic Longitude
Society_; Vice-President of the _Peripatetic Gastronomic
Association_; and Member of Seventeen Philosophical and Literary
Societies in Kamschatka, Madagascar, Tartary, and Little
Britain; &c. &c. &c."
And it bore the following "Dedication"--
"TO TITTLEBAT TITMOUSE, ESQUIRE, M. P.,
&c. &c. &c.,
This volume is respectfully inscribed,
by his obedient, obliged,
faithful, humble servant,
DIABOLUS GANDER."
The work being vigorously pushed, and systematically puffed in all
directions, of course brought the honored name of Mr. Titmouse a good
deal before the scientific public; and about three weeks afterwards
might have been seen the following "Testimonial," suspended against the
screen of the public room of the Credulous Society, in support of Mr.
Titmouse's pretensions to be elected into it:--
"TESTIMONIAL.--We, the undersigned, Fellows of the CREDULOUS
SOCIETY, hereby certify that, from our personal knowledge of
TITTLEBAT TITMOUSE, ESQUIRE, M. P., we believe him to be a
gentleman greatly attached to credulous science, and equally
capable and desirous of promoting its interests; and, as such,
deserving of being elected Fellow of the Credulous Society.
DREDDLINGTON. FLIMSY CROTCHET.
TANTALLAN. DIABOLUS GANDER.
WOODEN SPOON. PERIWINKLE PARALLELOGRAM.
PLACID NOODLE."
The above distinguished names were procured by Dr. Gander, and
thereupon the election of Mr. Titmouse became almost a matter of
certainty--especially as, on the appointed day, Dr. Gander procured the
attendance of some amiable old gentlemen, Fellows of the Society, who
believed the doctor to be all he pretended to be. The above testimonial
having been read from the chair, Mr. Titmouse was balloted for, and
declared elected unanimously a Fellow of the Credulous Society. He was
prevented from attending on the ensuing meeting by a great debate, and
an expected early division: then, (I regret to say,) by sheer
intoxication; and again by his being unable to return in time from
Croydon, where he had been attending a grand prize-fight, being the
backer of one of the principal ruffians, Billy Bully, his boxing-master.
On the fourth evening, however, having dined with the Earl of
Dreddlington, he drove with his Lordship to the Society's apartments,
was formally introduced, and solemnly admitted; from which time--the
proudest moment of his life--he was entitled to have his name stand
thus:--
"TITTLEBAT TITMOUSE, ESQ., M. P., F. C. S."
--And Heaven knows how much higher he might not have immediately
mounted, in the scale of social distinction, but that he came to a very
sudden rupture with his "guide, philosopher, and friend," Dr. Gander;
who, on at length venturing to make his long-meditated application to
Titmouse for a temporary loan, to enable him, Dr. Gander, to prosecute
some extensive philosophical experiments--[_i. e._, _inter nos_, on
public credulity]--was unhesitatingly refused by Titmouse; who, on being
pressed by the doctor, abused him in no very choice terms--and finally
ordered him out of the room! He quitted the presence of his ungrateful
_protégé_ with disgust, and in despair--nor without reason; for that
very night he received a propulsion towards the Fleet Prison, which
suggested to his philosophical mind several ingenious reflections
concerning the _attraction of repulsion_. There he lay for three months,
till he sent for the tyrant who had deposited him there, and who had
been his bookseller and publisher; and the doctor so dazzled him by the
outline of a certain literary speculation--to be called THE GANDER
GALLERY--that his credulous creditor relented, and set his ingenious and
enterprising debtor once more at large.
But to return to Mr. Titmouse. It was not long after his election into
the Credulous Society, that a deputation from the committee of the
Society for the _Promotion of Civil and Religious Discord_ waited upon
him at his apartments in the Albany, to solicit him, in terms the most
flattering and complimentary, to preside at their next annual meeting at
the Stonemasons' Hall: and, after some modest expressions of distrust as
to his fitness for so distinguished a post, he yielded to their anxious
entreaties. He ordered in, while they were with him, a very substantial
lunch, of which they partook with infinite relish; and having done ample
justice to his wines and spirits, the worthy gentlemen withdrew, charmed
with the intelligence and affability of their distinguished host, and
anticipating that they should have in Mr. Titmouse, "one of the most
rising young men in the Liberal line," a very effective chairman, and
who would make their meeting go off with great _éclat_. How Titmouse
would have got through the task he had undertaken, the reader must be
left to conjecture; seeing that, in point of fact, "circumstances, over
which he had no control," prevented him from fulfilling his promise. The
meeting waited for him at least three-quarters of an hour; when, finding
that neither he nor any tidings of him came, they elected some one else
into the chair, and got on as well as they could. I dare say the reader
is rather curious to know how all this came to pass; and I feel it my
duty to state the reason frankly. On the evening of the day before that
on which he had promised to preside at Stonemasons' Hall, he dined out
with one or two choice spirits; and, about two o'clock in the morning,
they all sallied forth, not a bit the _better_ for wine, in quest of
adventures. Mr. Titmouse gave some excellent imitations of donkeys,
cats, and pigs, as they walked along arm in arm; and very nearly
succeeded in tripping up an old watchman, who had crawled out to
announce the hour. Then they rang every bell they passed; and,
encouraged by impunity, proceeded to sport of a still more interesting
and exciting description--viz. twisting knockers off doors. Titmouse was
by far the most drunk of the party, and wrenched off several knockers in
a very resolute and reckless manner, placing them successively in his
pocket--where, also, his companions contrived, unknown to him, to
deposit _their_ spoils--till the weight was such as seriously to
increase the difficulty of keeping his balance. When tired of this
sport, it was agreed that they should extinguish every lamp they passed.
No sooner said than done; and Titmouse volunteered to commence. Assisted
by his companions, he clambered up a lamp-post at the corner of St.
James's Street; and holding with one hand by the bar, while his legs
clung round the iron post, with the other hand he opened the window of
the lamp; and while in the act of blowing it out, "Watch! watch!" cried
the voices of several people rushing round the corner; a rattle was
sprung; away scampered his companions in different directions; and after
holding on where he was for a moment or two, in confusion and alarm,
down slid poor Titmouse, and dropped into the arms of three accursed
watchmen, around whom was gathered a little crowd of persons, all of
whom had been roused from sleep by the pulling of their bells, and the
noise made in wrenching off their knockers. A pretty passion they all
were in, shaking their fists in the face of the captured delinquent, and
accompanying him, with menacing gestures, to the watch-house. There
having been safely lodged, he was put into a dark cell, where he
presently fell asleep; nor did he wake till he was summoned to go off to
the police-office. There he found a host of victims of his over-night's
exploits. He stoutly denied having been concerned in despoiling a single
door of its knocker--on which a breeches-maker near him furiously lifted
up the prisoner's heavy coat-tails, and exclaimed eagerly--"Your
Worship, your Worship! see, he's got his knocket full of pockers! he's
got his knocket full of pockers--see here, your Worship"----"What _do_
you mean, sir, by such gibberish?" inquired the magistrate, in so stern
a tone as drew the speaker's attention to the little transposition of
letters which he had made in his headlong haste to detect the falsehood
of the delinquent; who, finding the dismal strait to which he was
driven, and feeling really very ill, begged for mercy--which, after a
very severe rebuke, the pallid culprit being confronted by seven
knockers lying before him in a row, all of them having been taken out of
his own pockets, he obtained, on condition of his making compensation to
the injured parties, who compounded with him for twelve pounds.[5] After
paying a couple of pounds to the poor-box, he was discharged; crawled
into a coach, and, in a very sad condition, reached his rooms about one
o'clock, and got into bed in a truly deplorable state--never once
recollecting that, at that precise hour, he ought to have been taking
the chair of the meeting of the Society for the Promotion of Civil and
Religious Discord. As, however, his misfortunes were, in the newspapers,
assigned, not to "Tittlebat Titmouse," but to one "_John Smith_," the
exact state of the case never transpired to the worthy gentlemen who had
been so unaccountably deprived of his services; and who, on inquiry,
were told by his fluent valet, that Mr. Titmouse's late hours at the
House had brought on a slight and sudden attack of--jaundice; on hearing
which, they begged he might be assured of their respectful sympathy, and
hearty wishes for his restoration; and tried very hard to sound the
valet on the subject of his master's compensating for his absence by
some donation or subscription; but the fellow was very obtuse, and they
were compelled to depart disappointed.
I should have thought that the foregoing would have proved a lesson to
Mr. Titmouse, and restrained him for some time from yielding to his
cursed propensity to drink. Yet was it otherwise--and I shall tell the
matter exactly as it happened. Within a fortnight after the mischance
which I have above described, Titmouse dined with the members of a sort
of pugilistic club, which met every fortnight, for the purpose of
settling matters connected with the "ring." On the present occasion
there had been a full muster, for they had to settle the preliminaries
for a grand contest for the championship of England--to which Titmouse's
master, Mr. Billy Bully, aspired. Titmouse had scarcely ever enjoyed
himself more than on that exciting occasion; and, confident of his man,
had backed his favorite pretty freely. Towards eleven o'clock, he found
the room very close--and it was not to be wondered at, when you
considered the dreadful quantity of hard ale, harder port-wine, and
poisonous gin and water, which the little wretch had swallowed since
sitting down to dinner. About the hour I have named, however, he, Sir
Pumpkin Puppy, and one or two others, all with cigars in their mouths,
sallied forth to walk about town, in search of sport. I have hardly
patience to write it--but positively they had not proceeded half-way
down the Haymarket when they got into a downright "_row_;" and, egged on
by his companions, and especially inwardly impelled by the devil
himself, the miserable Titmouse, after grossly insulting a little
one-eyed, one-legged, bald-headed old waterman attached to the
coach-stand there, challenged him to fight, and forthwith flung away his
cigar, and threw himself into boxing attitude, amid the jeers and
laughter of the spectators--who, however, formed a sort of ring in a
trice. At it they went, _instanter_. Titmouse squared about with a sort
of disdainful showiness--in the midst of which he suddenly received a
nasty teaser on his nose and shoulder, from his active, hardy, and
experienced antagonist, which brought him to the ground, the blood
gushing from his nose in a copious stream. Sir Pumpkin quickly picked
him up, shook him, and set him fairly at his man again. Nearer and
nearer stumped the old fellow to the devoted "swell," who, evidently
groggy, squared in the most absurd way imaginable for a moment or two,
when he received his enemy's _one two_ in his eye, and on his mouth, and
again dropped down.
"He's drunk--he can't fight no more than a baby; I won't stand against
him any more," quoth the fair and stout-hearted old waterman. "It warn't
any o' my seeking; but if he thought to come it over an old cripple like
me"----
"Bravo! bravo!" cried his companions. "Come along, old chap--come
along," said one; "if I don't give you a jolly quartern, may I stick
here without a fare all this blessed night;" and the speaker led off the
victor to the public-house opposite, while Titmouse's friends led him
away, nearly insensible, to a tavern a few doors off. Having given
directions that he should be forthwith taken to a bedroom and washed,
they ordered broiled bones and mulled claret for themselves. After about
an hour and a half's nap, Titmouse, who probably had benefited rather
than suffered from his blood-letting, rejoined his friends, and called
for a cigar and a glass of cold brandy and water; having had which, they
set off homeward: he reaching his rooms about one o'clock, with a very
black eye, a swollen nose and mouth, a very thick and indistinct speech,
and unsteady step; in fact, in a much worse pickle than he had as yet
exhibited to his valet, who told him, while preparing for him a glass of
brandy and soda-water, that no fewer than five messengers had been at
his rooms. While he was yet speaking, a thundering knock was heard at
the outer-door, and on its being opened, in rushed, breathlessly, Mr.
Phelim O'Doodle.
"Titmouse!--Titmouse! Och, murther and thunder, where are ye? Where have
ye been, wid ye?" he gasped--
"When--a--hen--on--water--swims--
Too-ra-laddy--
Too-ra-lad-lad-lad"--
drowsily sung Titmouse--it being part of a song he had heard thrice
encored that evening after dinner--at the same time staggering towards
O'Doodle.
"Och, botheration take your too-ra-lady! Come, fait--by Jasus! clap your
hat on, and button your coat, and off to the House--immediately--or it's
all up with us, an' out we go every mother's son of us--an' the bastely
Tories'll be in. Come! come!--off wid ye, I say! I've a coach at the
door"----
"I--(hiccup)--I sha'n't--can't--'pon my life"--
"Och, off wid ye!--isn't it mad that Mr. O'Gibbet is wid ye?"----
"He's one eye--aha! and one leg--Too-ra-laddy," hiccuped the young
senator.
"Devil burn me if I don't tie ye hand an' foot together!" cried
O'Doodle, impetuously. "What the devil have ye been about wid that black
eye o' yours, and--but I'll spake about it in the coach. Off wid ye!
Isn't time worth a hundred pounds a minute?"----
Within a minute or two's time O'Doodle had got him safely into the
coach, and down to St. Stephen's they rattled at top speed. _There_ was
going on, indeed, a desperate fight--a final trial of strength between
Ministers and the Opposition, on a vote of want of confidence; and a
division expected every minute. Prodigious had been the efforts of both
parties--the whip unprecedented. Lord Bulfinch had, early in the
evening, explicitly stated that Ministers would resign unless they
gained a _majority_: and, to their infinite vexation and astonishment,
three of their stanch adherents--Titmouse being one--were missing just
at the critical moment. The Opposition had been more fortunate; every
man of theirs had come up--and they were shouting tremendously, "Divide!
divide! divide!"--while, on the other hand, Ministers were putting up
men, one after another, to speak against time, (though not one syllable
they said could be heard,) in order to get a chance of their three
missing men coming up. If none of them came, Ministers would be exactly
even with their opponents; in which case they were very much afraid that
they ought to resign. Up the stairs and into the lobby came O'Doodle,
breathlessly, with his prize.
"Och, my _dear_ O'Doodle!--Titmouse, ye little drunken divil, where have
ye been?" commenced Mr. O'Gibbet, on whom O'Doodle stumbled suddenly.
"Thank Heaven! Good God, how fortunate!" exclaimed Mr. Flummery, both he
and O'Gibbet being in a state of intense anxiety and great excitement.
"In with him!--in with him!--by Jove, they're clearing the gallery!"
gasped Mr. Flummery, while he rushed into the House, to make the way
clear for O'Doodle and O'Gibbet, who were literally carrying in Titmouse
between them.
"Sir!--Mr. Flummery!" gasped O'Doodle--"ye won't forget what I have done
to-night, will ye?"
"No, no--honor! In with you! In with you! A moment and all's lost."
They reached, however, the House in safety, Mr. O'Gibbet waving his hand
in triumph.
"Oh, ye droll little divil! where have you been hiding?" he hastily
whispered, as he deposited the insensible Titmouse on the nearest bench,
and sat beside him. Mr. O'Gibbet took off his hat, and wiped his reeking
head and face. Merciful powers! what a triumph!--and in the very nick of
time.--Titmouse had saved the Ministry! Tremendous was now the uproar in
the House, almost every one present shouting, "Divide!--divide!"
"Strangers, withdraw," cried the Speaker.
Then, _at it_ they went, with an air of tumultuous and irrepressible
excitement; but, through Titmouse, the Ministers triumphed. The numbers
were announced--
Ayes 301
Noes 300
----
Majority for Ministers 1
On which glorious and decisive result, there burst forth immense
cheering on the ministerial side of the House, and vehement
counter-cheering on the opposition side, which lasted for several
minutes. The noise, indeed, was so prodigious, that it almost roused
Titmouse from the sort of stupor into which he had sunk. Mr. O'Doodle
accompanied him home; and, after drinking a couple of tumblers of
whiskey and water with him, took his departure--caring nothing that he
had left Titmouse on the floor, in a state of dangerous insensibility;
from which, however, in due time he recovered, but was confined to his
bed, by a violent bilious attack, for nearly a week. Mr. O'Doodle's
services to the Government were not forgotten. A few days afterwards he
vacated his seat, having received the appointment of sub-inspector of
political caricatures in Ireland, with a salary of six hundred pounds
a-year for life. His place in the House was immediately filled up by his
brother, Mr. Trigger O'Doodle, who kept a shooting-gallery in Dublin.
Profuse were Phelim's thanks to Mr. O'Gibbet, when that gentleman
announced to him his good fortune, exclaiming, at the same time, with a
sly wink and smile--"Ye see what it is to rinder service to the
state--aha! Aisy, aisy!--softly, say I. Isn't _that_ the way to get
along?"