CHAPTER I.

TEN THOUSAND A-YEAR.

TEN

THOUSAND A-YEAR.

BY

SAMUEL WARREN, F.R.S.

VOL. III.

BOSTON:

LITTLE, BROWN, AND COMPANY.

1900.

University Press:

JOHN WILSON AND SON, CAMBRIDGE.

CONTENTS TO VOL. III.

CHAP. PAGE

I. The great game at chess, between Mr. Gammon and Mr.

Crafty, which typifies an English election, and how

it is lost and won.--The day of battle arrives 1

II. The fight waxes hot; and after surprising fluctuation,

a glorious victory is gained.--Serious incidents for

the consideration of the victors, who have also to

fight another battle on new ground.--Mr. Titmouse

acquires sudden distinction in the House of

Commons.--Mr. Titmouse becomes a Fellow of the

Credulous Society, under the auspices of Dr. Diabolus

Gander, performs scientific experiments in the

streets at night, and saves the Ministry 43

III. Lady Cecilia is married to Mr. Titmouse; and the Earl

enters, under Mr. Gammon's auspices, on an adventurous

career.--An affecting letter of Lady

Cecilia Titmouse.--A deadly struggle between a

snake and an ape 124

IV. Mr. Gammon offers his hand and heart to Miss Aubrey.

An exciting love scene in which Kate behaves

with great propriety.--Mr. Gammon's skilful

manœuvres to crush Mr. Aubrey; and they seem

seconded by fate 173

V. Mr. Aubrey disregards Gammon's advice, and becomes

the guest of Mr. Grab.--Mr. Gammon's profound

strategies 218

VI. Kate communicates a secret told her by Mr. Gammon,

who secures her brother a night with Mr.

Vice.--Kate's diamond necklace; Mr. Runnington's

munificence; Lady Stratton's £15,000 policy, which

Gammon angles for 260

VII. The descent of the Vulture; and other matters of moment

to Gammon.--The Artificial-Rain Company

evaporates; and a remarkable scene between Mr.

Gammon and the Earl of Dreddlington 295

VIII. The Earl of Dreddlington's bed-side; and Gammon's

interview with the Duke of Tantallan.--Lord De la

Zouch comes on the scene again; an Attorney-General's

suggestion; and Gammon frightened by his

own proctor.--Lord De la Zouch with the Aubreys 338

IX. Mr. Gammon with the Earl of Dreddlington, whose

intellect melts away before him. Mr. Gammon

getting into deep waters and dragging his great

friends after him.--What moles in the ecclesiastical

court can do under ground 378

X. Glances of daylight into a glen of fraud, and reptiles

seen wriggling about in alarm.--What is Gammon

to do?--Mr. Titmouse makes an equitable proposal

to Kate Aubrey.--The scorpion in the fiery circle.

Mr. Gammon's skilful exit 412

XI. The Earl of Dreddlington's bankruptcy and death;

and Lord Drelincourt appears on the scene.--Mudflint,

Woodlouse, and Bloodsuck in a bad way; and

Sir Harkaway's awkward position 455

XII. Mr. Titmouse on his last legs.--Mr. Tag-rag's final

adventures; a sudden glimpse of Gammon again;

and the last of Mr. Quirk.--True nobility; Yatton

itself again; and Kate Aubrey's disappearance 488

NOTES 537

TEN THOUSAND A-YEAR.

CHAPTER I.

There had not been a contested election at Yatton, till the present one

between Mr. Delamere and Mr. Titmouse, for a long series of years; its

two members having been, till then, owing to the smallness of the

constituency, their comparative unanimity of political sentiment, and

the dominant influence of the Yatton family, returned, pretty nearly, as

a matter of course. When, therefore, quiet little Yatton (for such it

was, albeit politically enlarged by the new Act) became the scene of so

sudden and hot a contest as that which I am going to describe, and under

such novel and exciting circumstances, it seemed in a manner quite

beside itself. The walls were everywhere covered with glaring

placards--red, blue, green, yellow, white, purple--judiciously designed

to stimulate the electors into a calm and intelligent exercise of their

important functions. Here are the inscriptions upon a few of them:--

"VOTE for TITMOUSE, the MAN of the PEOPLE!"

"TITMOUSE and CIVIL and RELIGIOUS LIBERTY!"

"TITMOUSE and CHEAP ALE!"

"TITMOUSE and PURITY of ELECTION!"

"TITMOUSE and NEGRO EMANCIPATION!"

"VOTE for TITMOUSE and NO MISTAKE!"

"TITMOUSE and QUARTERLY PARLIAMENTS, VOTE BY BALLOT,

and UNIVERSAL SUFFRAGE!"

['Twas thus that the name of my little friend, like that of many others

of his species, was attached to great public questions, somewhat after

the manner of a kettle tied to a dog's tail!]

But others were to be met with of a more elaborate and impressive

character.

"Electors of Yatton!! Be not deceived!!! The enemy is among you!

Do you wish to reap the full fruits of the glorious boon lately

conferred on you? Rush to the poll, and VOTE for TITMOUSE. Do you

wish to see them torn from your grasp by a selfish and arrogant

aristocracy? _Get a pair of handcuffs_, and go and vote for--MR.

DELAMERE!!!!

"QUÆRE. If a _certain Boroughmongering Peer_ should command his son

to vote for the REPEAL of the Great Bill which enfranchised the

inhabitants of Grilston, Succombe, and Warkleigh--would not that

son obey him? _How would this be_, MR. DELAMERE?"

'Twas not, to give the devil his due, Mr. Titmouse's fault that his

placards did not contain many vulgar personalities against his opponent;

but owing entirely to Mr. Gammon's want of the requisite wit and spirit.

That gentleman felt, in fact, that such a candidate as Mr. Delamere

afforded but few salient points of attack, in respect either of his

person, his position in society, or his conduct. He also, by the way,

had his placards:--

"VOTE for DELAMERE!"

"DELAMERE and INDEPENDENCE!"

"VOTE for DELAMERE the FARMER'S FRIEND!"

"DELAMERE and the CONSTITUTION IN CHURCH AND STATE!"

Both the candidates established their headquarters at Grilston; Mr.

Delamere at the "_Hare and Hounds_" Inn, Mr. Titmouse at the

"_Woodlouse_." Over the bow-window of the former streamed a noble blue

banner, with an emblazonment of the Bible and Crown, and the words,

"CHURCH, KING, and CONSTITUTION--OLD ENGLAND FOREVER!" Over the latter

hung an immense yellow banner, with three stars, thus:--

+-------------------------------+

| |

| PEACE! RETRENCHMENT!! |

| * * |

| * |

| REFORM!!! |

| |

+-------------------------------+

(being the, "Three Polar Stars" spoken of in Mr. Titmouse's Address,)

and the words--"PEACE! RETRENCHMENT!! REFORM!!!" in immense gilt

letters. The walls and windows of each were, moreover, covered with

varicolored placards--but I shall not weary the reader by attempting to

describe in detail the humors of a country election, which have

employed, already, thousands of able and graphic pens and pencils.

Surely, what else are they than the sticks and straws which float along

the eddying and roughened surface? The whole mass of water is moving

along; and our object should be rather to discover its depth, force, and

direction. Principles are in conflict; the fate of the nation is, in a

measure, involved in a popular election. Such matters as I have alluded

to, are but the laughable devices resorted to, in order to delude the

grinning vulgar, and disguise the movements of those calm and

calculating persons who are playing the deep game of politics. Under

cover of a ludicrous hubbub, might be observed, for instance, in this

little borough--subject to certain petty local disturbing forces--a

deadly struggle for ascendency between the monarchical and the

democratical principle; between rampant innovation and obstinate

immobility; between the wealthy few and the many poor; between property

and ability. If anything like this _were_ the case, how many of the

electors--new or old--of Yatton--(who may perhaps be compared to

chessmen in the hands of long-headed players)--knew any more about the

matter than a private soldier at Waterloo thought of, comprehended, or

appreciated, the complicated and mighty schemes of a Wellington or

Napoleon, whose bidding he was doing, or of the prodigious consequences

attached to the success or failure of either? Some people talk

vehemently about the "paramount necessity for educating the lower

classes." It is, indeed, of incalculable importance that they should be

instructed; but is it not of still greater importance that the UPPER

CLASSES should be instructed, if only on account of their being the

holders of that PROPERTY, in greater or less proportions, with its

inseparable power and influence, which, directly or indirectly,

determines all the movements of the state? Could universal suffrage be

supposed to exist consistently with the preservation of social order--of

society--it would still be impossible to extirpate or effectually to

counteract the influence of property, in whose hands soever it might be

placed. Pluck out of the vilest of the bellowing bullies surrounding the

hustings, him (of course a non-elector) most conspicuous for his

insolence and brutality; imagine him suddenly or gradually become the

owner of a great, or a small property, with the influence it gives him

over customers, tenants, dependents: do you suppose that he will not at

once, either gently or roughly, according to his temper, begin to

exercise his power, (that which is so dear to the heart of man,) by

dictating the exercise of the elective franchise on behalf of those

political opinions which he may happen to favor? Is not THIS the man to

instruct, and the better in proportion to the extent of his real

influence? Except in those brief and horrid intervals of social

convulsion, in which [Greek: dika kai panta palin strepetai], however

popularized and extended may apparently be the system of electing

parliamentary representatives, those who really return members to

Parliament will--whether themselves actually electors or not, and

whether directly or indirectly--be the holders of property, in villages,

in towns, in cities, in boroughs and counties. The influence of property

is, in truth, inevitable as that of gravitation: and losing sight of

this, people may split their heads in vain, and chatter till the arrival

of the Greek kalends, about extending farther and farther the elective

franchise, shortening Parliaments, and voting by ballot. Whether it

_ought_ to be so, signifies little, when we know that it is, and _will_

be so:--but now it is time to return to the Yatton election; and if I be

but this once forgiven, I will not diverge again in a hurry from the

main course of events.

Lord De la Zouch, who resided some eight or ten miles from Yatton, soon

discovered, as also did sundry other able and experienced electioneering

friends, taking an interest in his son's success, that the movements of

the enemy were directed by a strong and skilful hand; and which never

could be that of--_Mr. Titmouse_. However slight and faint may be the

hopes of success with which a man enters into an interesting and

important undertaking, they very soon begin to increase and brighten

with eager action; and it was so with Lord De la Zouch. He was not long

in tracing the powerful, but cautiously concealed agency of our friend

Mr. Gammon. One or two such dangerous and artful snares were detected by

the watchful and practised eyes of his Lordship and his friends, just in

time to prevent Delamere from being seriously compromised, as satisfied

them that good Mr. Parkinson, with all his bustle, energy, and

heartiness, was dreadfully overmatched by his astute opponent, Mr.

Gammon; and that in the hands of Mr. Parkinson, the contest would

become, so far as Delamere was concerned, a painful and ridiculous

farce. A council of war, therefore, was called at Fotheringham Castle;

the result of which was an express being sent off to London, to bring

down immediately a first-rate electioneering agent--MR. CRAFTY--and

place in his hands the entire management of Mr. Delamere's cause. Mr.

Crafty was between forty and forty-five years old. His figure, of middle

height, was very spare. He was always dressed in a plain suit of black,

with white neckerchief, and no shirt-collar; yet no one that knew the

world could mistake him for a dissenting minister!--He was very calm and

phlegmatic in his manner and movements--there was not a particle of

passion or feeling in his composition. He was a mere _thinking machine_,

in exquisite order. He was of marvellous few words. His face was thin

and angular. His chin and temples formed an isosceles triangle; his chin

being very peaked, and his forehead broad. His hair was dark, and cut

almost as close as that of a foot-soldier--and this it was which helped

to give his countenance that expression, both quaint and unaffected,

which, once observed, was not likely to be soon forgotten. His eye was

blue, and intensely cold and bright--his complexion fresh; he had no

whiskers; there was a touch of sarcasm about the corners of his mouth.

Everything about him bespoke a man cold, cautious, acute,

matter-of-fact. "_Business_" was written all over his face. He had

devoted himself to electioneering tactics; and he might be said to have

reduced them, indeed, to a science. No one could say whether he was of

Whig or Tory politics; my impression is, that he cared not a straw for

either.--This, then, was the man who was to be pitted against Gammon:

and these two gentlemen may perhaps be looked upon as the real

_players_, whose _backers_ were--Delamere and Titmouse.

Mr. Crafty soon made his appearance at Yatton; and seemed, in a manner,

to have dropped into Mr. Delamere's committee-room from the clouds. His

presence did not appear _quite_ unexpected; yet no one seemed to know

why, whence, or at whose instance he had come. He never went near

Fotheringham, nor ever mentioned the name of its noble owner, who

(between ourselves) contemplated the accession of Crafty with feelings

of calm exultation and confidence. Mr. Delamere's "_committee_" was

instantly disbanded, and no new one named. In fact, _there was to be

none at all_; and Mr. Titmouse's friends were, for a while, led to

believe that the enemy were already beginning to beat a retreat. A quiet

banker at Grilston, and a hard-headed land-surveyor and agent of the

same place, were alone apparently taken into Mr. Crafty's confidence.

Mr. Parkinson, even, was sent to the right about; and his rising pique

and anger were suddenly quelled by the steadfast and significant look

with which Mr. Crafty observed, in dismissing him--"_It won't do_."

Adjoining, and opening into the large room in which, till Mr. Crafty's

arrival, Mr. Delamere's committee had been sitting, was a very small

one; and in it Mr. Crafty established his headquarters. He came,

accompanied--though no one for a while knew it--by three of his

familiars; right trusty persons, in sooth! One of them always sat on a

chair, at the outside of the door leading into Mr. Crafty's room, over

which he kept guard as a sentinel. The other two disposed themselves

according to orders. Mr. Gammon soon _felt_ the presence of his secret

and formidable opponent, in the total change--the quiet system--that

became all of a sudden apparent in the enemy's tactics: his watchful eye

and quick perception detected, here and there, the faint vanishing

traces of a sly and stealthy foot--the evidences of experienced skill;

and one morning early he caught a glimpse of Mr. Crafty, (with whose

name and fame he was familiar,) and returned home with a grave

consciousness that the contest had become one exceedingly serious;

that--so to speak--he must instantly spread out every stitch of canvas

to overtake the enemy. In short, he made up his mind for mischief, as

soon as he gave Lord De la Zouch credit for being _resolved to win_; and

felt the necessity for acting with equal caution and decision. During

that day he obtained an advance from a neighboring banker of two

thousand pounds, on the security of a deposit of a portion of the

title-deeds of the Yatton property. He had, indeed, occasion for great

resources, personal as well as pecuniary; for instance--he had reason to

believe that the enemy had already penetrated to his stronghold, the

QUAINT CLUB at Grilston, (for that was the name of the club into which

the one hundred and nine new voters at Grilston had formed themselves.)

Though Gammon had agreed, after much negotiation, to buy them at the

very liberal sum of ten pounds a-head, he had reason, shortly after the

arrival of Mr. Crafty, to believe that they had been tampered with; for,

as he was late one evening moodily walking up to the Hall, he overtook,

in the park, a man whose person he did not at first recognize in the

darkness, but whose fearfully significant motions soon insured him

recognition. It was, in fact, the man who had hitherto treated with him

on behalf of the Quaint Club; one Benjamin Bran, (commonly called _Ben

Bran_,) a squat, bow-legged baker of Grilston. He uttered not a word,

nor did Mr. Gammon; but, on being recognized, simply held up to that

gentleman his two outstretched hands, _twice_, with a significant and

inquiring look. Gammon gazed at him for a moment with fury; and

muttering--"to-morrow--here--same hour!" hurried on to the Hall in a

state of the utmost perplexity and alarm. The dilemma in which he felt

himself, kept him awake half the night! When once, indeed, you come to

_this sort of work_, you are apt to give your opponent credit for deeper

manœuvring than you can at the time fully appreciate; and the fate

of the battle may soon be rendered really doubtful. Then,

everything--inclusive of serious consequences, extending far beyond the

mere result of the election--depends upon the skill, temper, and

experience of the real and responsible directors of the election. Was

Ben Bran's appearance a move on the part of Crafty? Had that gentleman

bought him over and converted him into a spy--was he now playing the

traitor? Or was the purse of Titmouse to be _bonâ fide_ measured against

that of Lord De la Zouch? _That would be dreadful!_ Gammon felt (to

compare him for a moment to an animal with which he had some kindred

qualities) much like a cat on a very high wall, topped with broken

glass, afraid to stir in any direction, and yet unable to continue where

he was. While the two candidates, attended by their sounding bands, and

civil and smiling friends, were making their public demonstrations and

canvassing the electors, as if thereby they exercised the slightest

possible influence over one single voter on either side; as I have

already intimated, the battle was being fought by two calm and crafty

heads, in two snug and quiet little rooms in Grilston--one at the Hare

and Hounds, the other at the Woodlouse Inn; of course, I mean Mr.

Crafty, and Mr. Gammon. The former within a very few hours saw that the

issue of the struggle lay with the Quaint Club; and from one of his

trusty emissaries--a man whom no one ever saw in communication with him,

who was a mere stranger in Grilston, indifferent as to the result of the

election, but delighting in its frolics; who was peculiarly apt to get

sooner drunk than any one he drank with--Mr. Crafty ascertained, that

though the enlightened members of the Quaint Club had certainly formed a

predilection for the principles of Mr. Titmouse, yet they possessed a

candor which disposed them to hear all that might be advanced in favor

of the principles of his opponent.

Mr. Crafty's first step was to ascertain what had been already done or

attempted on behalf of Mr. Delamere, and also of Mr. Titmouse; then the

exact number of the voters, whom he carefully classified. He found that

there were exactly four hundred who might be expected to poll; the new

electors amounting in number to one hundred and sixty, the old ones to

two hundred and forty, and principally scot-and-lot voters. In due time

he ascertained, that of the former class only _thirty-six_ could be

relied upon for Mr. Delamere. The tenants of the Yatton property within

the borough amounted to one hundred and fifteen. They had been canvassed

by Mr. Delamere and his friends with great delicacy; and twenty-three of

them had voluntarily pledged themselves to vote for him, and risk all

consequences; intimating that they hated and despised their new landlord

as much as they had loved their old one, whose principles they

understood to be those of Mr. Delamere. Then there remained a class of

"_accessibles_," (to adopt the significant language of Mr. Crafty,) in

number one hundred and twenty-five. These were persons principally

resident in and near Yatton, subject undoubtedly to strong and direct

influence on the part of Mr. Titmouse, but still not absolutely at his

command. Of these no fewer than seventy had pledged themselves in favor

of Mr. Delamere; and, in short, thus stood Mr. Crafty's calculations as

to the probable force on both sides:--

DELAMERE. TITMOUSE.

New Voters 36 New Voters--

Yatton Tenants 23 _Quaint Club_ 109

Accessibles 70 Others 21

--- --- 130

129

Tenants 92

Accessibles 35

---

257

Now, of the class of _accessibles_, twenty remained yet unpledged, and

open to conviction; and, moreover, both parties had good ground for

believing that they would _all_ be convinced _one way_--_i. e._ towards

either Mr. Titmouse or Mr. Delamere. Now, if the Quaint Club could be in

any way detached from Mr. Titmouse, it would leave him with a majority

of _seventeen_, only, over Mr. Delamere; and then, if by any means the

twenty accessibles could be secured for Mr. Delamere, he would be placed

in a majority of three over his opponent. Whichever way _they_ went,

however, it was plain that the Quaint Club held the election in their

own hands, and intended to keep it so. Gammon's calculations differed

but slightly from those of Crafty; and thenceforth both directed their

best energies towards the same point, the Quaint Club--going on all the

while with undiminished vigor and assiduity with their canvass, as the

best mode of diverting attention from their important movements, and

satisfying the public that the only weapons with which the fight was to

be won were--bows, smiles, civil speeches, placards, squibs, banners,

and bands of music. Mr. Crafty had received a splendid sum for his

services from Lord De la Zouch; but on the first distinct and peremptory

intimation from his Lordship, being conveyed to him through Mr.

Delamere, that there was to be, _bonâ fide_, no bribery--and that the

only funds placed at his disposal were those sufficient for the

_legitimate_ expenses of the election--he smiled rather bitterly, and

sent off a secret express to Fotheringham, to ascertain _for what_ his

services had been engaged--since what was the use of going to Waterloo

_without powder_?--The answer he received was laconic enough, and

verbatim as follows:--

"No intimidation; no treating; no bribery; _manœuvre_ as skilfully

as you can; _and watch the enemy night and day_, so that the close

of the poll may not be the close of the election, nor the victor

there, the sitting member."

To the novel, arduous, and cheerless duty, defined by this despatch from

headquarters, Mr. Crafty immediately addressed all his energies; and,

after carefully reconnoitring his position, unpromising as it was, he

did not _despair_ of success. All his own voters had been gained, upon

the whole, fairly. The thirty-six new ones had been undoubtedly under

considerable _influence_, of an almost inevitable kind indeed--inasmuch

as they consisted of persons principally employed in the way of business

by Lord De la Zouch, and by many of his friends and neighbors, all of

whom were of his Lordship's way of political thinking. Every one of the

twenty-three tenants had given a spontaneous and cordial promise; and

the seventy "accessibles" had been gained, after a very earnest and

persevering canvass, by Mr. Delamere, in company with others who had a

pretty decisive, but still a legitimate influence over them. The

remaining twenty might, possibly, though not probably, be secured by

equally unobjectionable means. That being the state of things with

Delamere, how stood matters with Mr. Titmouse? First and foremost, the

Quaint Club had been bought at ten pounds a-head, by Gammon--that was

all certain. Crafty would also have bought them like a flock of sheep,

had he been allowed, and would have managed matters most effectually and

secretly; yet not more so than he found Mr. Gammon had succeeded in

doing; at all events, as far as that gentleman himself, personally, was

concerned. In fact, he had foiled Mr. Crafty, when that astute person

looked about in search of legal evidence of what had been done. Still,

however, he did not despair of being able to perform a series

manœuvres which should secure one of the ends he most wished, in

respect even of the Quaint Club. With equal good intentions, but

actuated by a _zeal that was not according to knowledge_, some of Mr.

Gammon's coadjutors had not imitated his circumspection. Quite unknown

to him, one or two of them had most fearfully committed him, themselves,

and Mr. Titmouse; giving Mr. Gammon such accounts of their doings as

should serve only to secure his applause for their tact and success.

Before Mr. Crafty, however, they stood detected as blundering novices in

the art of electioneering. A small tinker and brazier at Warkleigh had

received, with a wink, ten pounds from _a member of Mr. Titmouse's

committee!_ in payment of an old outstanding account--Heaven save the

mark!--delivered in by him, three years before, for mending pots,

kettles, and sauce-pans, in the time of--the Aubreys! The wife of a

tailor at Grilston received the same sum for a fine tomcat, which was a

natural curiosity, since it could wink each eye separately and

successively. A third worthy and independent voter was reminded that he

had lent the applicant for his vote ten pounds several years before, and

which that gentleman now took shame to himself, as he paid the amount,

for having so long allowed to remain unpaid. Mr. Barnabas Bloodsuck,

with superior astuteness, gave three pounds a-piece to three little

boys, sons of a voter, whose workshop overlooked Messrs. Bloodsucks'

back offices, on condition that they would desist from their trick of

standing and putting their thumbs to their noses and extending their

fingers towards him, as he sat in his office, and which had really

become an insupportable nuisance. Here was, therefore, a _valuable

consideration_ for the payment, and bribery was out of the question!

Such are samples of the ingenious devices which had been resorted to, in

order to secure some thirty or forty votes! In short, Mr. Crafty caught

them tripping in at least eleven clear, unquestionable cases of bribery,

each supported by unimpeachable evidence, and each sufficing to avoid

the election, to disqualify Mr. Titmouse from sitting in that Parliament

for Yatton, and to subject both him and his agents to a ruinous amount

of penalties. Then, again, there were clear indications either of a

disposition to set at defiance the stringent provisions of the law

against TREATING, or of an ignorance of their existence. And as for

_freedom_ of election, scarcely ten of his tenants gave him a willing

vote, or otherwise than upon compulsion, and after threats of raised

rents or expulsion from farms. Tied as were Mr. Crafty's hands, the

Quaint Club became a perfect eyesore to him. He found means, however, to

open a secret and confidential communication with them, and resolved to

hold out to them dazzling but indistinct hopes of pecuniary advantage

from the regions of Fotheringham. His emissary soon got hold of the

redoubtable Ben Bran, who, truth to say, had long been on the look-out

for indications of the desired sort, from the other side. As Bran was

late one evening walking slowly alone along the high-road leading to

York, he was accosted by a genteel-looking person, who spoke in a low

tone, and whom Bran now recollected to have seen, or spoken to, before.

"Can you tell me where lies the gold mine?" said the stranger; "at

Fotheringham, or Yatton?"--and the speaker looked round, apprehensive of

being overheard. Ben pricked up his ears, and soon got into conversation

with the mysterious stranger; in the course of which the latter threw

out, in a very significant manner, that "a certain peer could never be

supposed to send a certain near relative into the field, in order that

that relative might be beaten, ... and especially for want of a few

pounds; and besides, my friend, when only ...--eh?--...--_the other

side_"----

"Why, who are you? Where do you come from?" inquired Ben, with a violent

start.

"Dropped out of the--_moon_," was the quiet and smiling answer.

"Then I must say they know a precious deal," replied Ben, after a

troubled pause, "up there, of what's going on down here."

"To be sure, everything; everything!"... Here the stranger told Ben the

precise sum which the club had received from Mr. Gammon.

"Are we both--gentlemen?" inquired the stranger, earnestly.

"Y--e--e--s, I hope so, sir," replied Ben Bran, hesitatingly.

"And men of business--men of our word?"

"Honor among thieves--ay, ay," answered Ben, in a still lower tone, and

very eagerly.

"Then let you and me meet _alone_, this time to-morrow, at Darkling

Edge; and by that time, do you see, turn this over in your mind," here

the stranger twice held up both his hands, with outstretched thumbs and

fingers. "_Sure_ we understand each other?" he added. Ben nodded, and

they were presently out of sight of each other. The stranger immediately

pulled off his green spectacles, and also a pair of gray whiskers, and

put both of them into his pocket. If any one attempted to _dog_ him, he

must have been led a pretty round! 'Twas in consequence of this

interview that Ben made the application to Gammon, which had so

disturbed him, and which has been already described. And to return to

our friend: what was he to do? On entering the library at the Hall, he

opened a secret drawer in his desk, and took out a thin slip of paper

which he had deposited there that morning, it having been then received

by him from town, marked "_Private and Confidential_," and franked

"BLOSSOM and BOX." 'Twas but a line, and written in a bold hand, but in

evident haste; for it had in fact been penned by Lord Blossom and Box

while he was sitting in the Court of Chancery. This is a copy of it:--

"The election _must_ be won. You will hear from E---- by this post.

Don't address any note to _me_.

"B. and B."

With this great man, Lord Chancellor Blossom and Box, when plain Mr.

Quicksilver, Mr. Gammon had had a pretty familiar acquaintance, as the

reader may easily suppose; and had a natural desire to acquit himself

creditably in the eyes of so distinguished and powerful a personage.

Gammon had volunteered an assurance to his Lordship, shortly before

leaving town, that the election was safe, and in his (Gammon's) hands;

guess, then, his chagrin and fury at finding the systematic and

determined opposition which had suddenly sprung up against him; and the

intensity of his desire to defeat it. And the more anxious he was on

this score, the more vividly he perceived the necessity of acting with a

caution which should insure real ultimate success, instead of a mere

noisy and temporary triumph, which should be afterwards converted into

most galling, disgraceful, and public defeat. The more that Gammon

reflected on the sudden but determined manner in which Lord De la Zouch

had entered into the contest, the more confident he became that his

Lordship had an important ultimate object to secure; and that he had at

command immense means of every description, Gammon but too well knew, in

common with all the world. Was, for instance, Mr. Crafty brought down,

at an enormous expense, for nothing? What the deuce were the Quaint Club

about? Was ever anything so monstrous heard of--ten pounds a man

actually received--the bargain finally struck--and now their original

demand suddenly and peremptorily doubled? Venal miscreants! Were his

opponents really outbidding him, or laying a deep plan for entrapping

him into an act of wholesale bribery? In short, were the Quaint Club now

actuated by avarice, or by treachery? Again and again did he go over his

list of promises; having marked the _favorable_, _hostile_, _neutral_,

_doubtful_, from a table as accurately compiled and classified as that

of Mr. Crafty. Like his wily and practised opponent, also, Gammon

intrusted his principal movements to scarce a soul of those who were

engaged with him; fearing, indeed, though _then_ with no definite

grounds, that Messrs. Mudflint, Woodlouse, Centipede, Bloodsuck, and

Going Gone, were already too deep in the secrets of the election.

According to _his_ calculations, supposing all his promises to stand,

Titmouse was, independently of the Quaint Club, and some eighteen or

twenty others whom he had set down as "_to be had_"--only _twenty-five_

a-head of Delamere; thus making a difference of eight only between

Gammon's reckoning, and that of Crafty. Of course, therefore, that

cursed Quaint Club had it all their own way; and how to jockey them, was

a problem which well-nigh split his head. He gave Lord De la Zouch

credit for doing all that he--Gammon--would do, to win the election; and

believed him, therefore, capable of buying over any number of the club,

to turn king's evidence against their _original_ benefactor. The

Bloodsucks assured him that the club were all good men and

true--stanch--game to the backbone; but Gammon had obtained some

information as to the political sentiments of several of the members,

before they had acquired the new franchise, and become banded into so

sudden and formidable a confederacy, which led him to speculate rather

apprehensively on the effects which might follow any bold and skilful

scheme resorted to by his enemies. Now, as far as the club were

concerned, its members were all quiet respectable men, who made the

affair a dry matter of business. They justly looked on each of the

candidates as equally worthy of the honor they coveted of representing

the borough, and considered that things would always go on right, at

headquarters--_i. e._ that the country would be properly

governed--without the least reference to the quality or complexion of

the House of Commons. They saw the desperate and unceasing fight among

their betters for the loaves and fishes; and imitated their example,

with reference to the crumbs and fragments. First they divided

themselves, as near as their number would admit of, into tens, giving

one to the odd nine, equally with each body of ten, and thus produced a

body of eleven representatives. These eleven, again, in the presence of

the whole club, chose five of their number for the purpose of conducting

the negotiations between the club and the two candidates; and these five

again selected one of themselves--Ben Bran--to be the direct medium of

communication: the actual state of the market never went beyond the

first body of eleven; and in the exercise of an exquisite dexterity, Mr.

Crafty had contrived to inspire these eleven, through their deputy and

mouthpiece, Bran, with a determination to exact _fifteen_ pounds per

head more from Titmouse, before recording their votes in his favor: and

this untoward state of things was duly intimated to Gammon, by Ben Bran,

by silently outstretching both hands, and then one hand. That would make

a total of _two thousand seven hundred and twenty-five pounds_ disbursed

among that accursed Quaint Club alone!--thought Gammon with a shudder:

and suppose they should even then turn tail upon him, seduced by the

splendid temptations of Lord De la Zouch? Just to conceive the

possibility, for one moment, of Mr. Benjamin Bran having been bought

over to betray all his companions, and Gammon and his party also, into

the hands of Lord De la Zouch? Saith the immortal author of

_Hudibras_--

"Ah me, what perils do environ

The man that meddles with cold iron!"

But Gammon was disposed to make an exclamation in a similar tone, though

of a different sort--

What pen his troubles shall describe,

Who voters once begins to bribe!

"Oh!" thought Mr. Gammon, a thousand times, "that cursed Quaint

Club!--That cursed Crafty!"

The very first person on whom Delamere waited, in order to solicit his

support, was little Dr. Tatham, who, I need hardly say, gave it promptly

and cordially; but he added, shaking his head, that he knew he was

giving huge offence to the people at the Hall, who had already been

several times very urgent indeed with him. "Well, rather, sir, than sow

dissension between you and Mr. Titmouse, your neighbor," said Delamere,

spiritedly, "I at once release you from your promise."

"Ah! indeed?" cried Dr. Tatham, briskly--"Do you? _Can_ you? Ought you

to do so? I look upon the exercise of my franchise to be a sacred duty,

and I shall discharge it as readily and as conscientiously as any other

duty, come what may." Delamere looked at him, and thought how often he

had heard Miss Aubrey talk of him with affectionate enthusiasm, and he

believed the little doctor to be every way worthy of it. "For myself,"

continued Dr. Tatham, "I care little; but I have reason greatly to

apprehend the effects of his displeasure upon those who are disposed--as

such I know there are--to go counter to his wishes. He'll make them rue

the day."

"Ay?--Let him!" exclaimed Mr. Delamere, with an eye of bright defiance;

but it kindled only a faint momentary spark of consolation in the

breast of Dr. Tatham.

The rivals, Mr. Delamere and Mr. Titmouse, encountered one another, as

it were in full state, on the second day of the former's canvass. 'T was

in the street. Mr. Delamere was attended by Mr. Parkinson, Sir Percival

Pickering, Mr. St. Aubyn, Mr. Aylward Elvet, Mr. Gold, and one or two

others. Mr. Delamere looked certainly very handsome. About his person,

countenance, and carriage, there was an air of manly frankness,

refinement, and simplicity; and a glance at his aristocratic cast of

features, told you that a certain latent tendency to _hauteur_ was kept

in check by sincere good-nature. He was tall and well-proportioned, and

his motions had a natural ease and grace; and as for his dress, it

combined a rigid simplicity with an undoubted fashion and elegance.

Though the air was very cold and frosty, he wore only a plain

dark-colored surtout, buttoned.

"Delamere! Delamere!" whispered, with a smile, Mr. St. Aubyn, (one of

the former members for the borough,) on first catching sight of the

enemy approaching them on the same side of the street, at about twenty

yards' distance--"Here comes your opponent; he's a little beauty, eh?"

Mr. Titmouse walked first, dressed in a fine drab-colored great-coat,

with velvet collar of the same hue, and sable near a foot deep at the

wrists. It was buttoned tightly round a pinched-in waist, and a white

cambric handkerchief peeped out of a pocket in the breast. He had a red

and green plaid waistcoat, and a full satin stock, glistening with

little pins and chains. His trousers were sky-blue, and very tight, and

covered almost the whole of his boot; so that it was a wonder to the

vulgar how he ever got into, or out of them. The little that was seen of

his boots shone wonderfully; and he wore spurs at his heels. His

span-new glossy hat was perched aslant on his bushy hair; he wore

lemon-colored kid gloves, and carried a delicate little ebony cane.

Following this pretty figure were--the sallow insolent-looking

"_Reverend_" Smirk Mudflint, (such was the title he assumed,) Mr.

Centipede, Mr. Grogram, Mr. Bloodsuck, junior, (who had approached as

near, in point of personal appearance, to his illustrious client, as he

knew how,) and--Mr. Gammon. As the hostile companies neared each other,

that of Delamere observed some one hastily whisper to Titmouse, who

instantly stuck his chased gold eyeglass into his eye, and stared very

vulgarly at Mr. Delamere--who, on passing him, with the courtesy which

he conceived due to an opponent, took off his hat, and bowed with

politeness and grace, his example being followed by all his party.

Titmouse, however, took not the least notice of the compliment; but,

without removing his glass from his eye, throwing an odious sneer into

his face, stared steadily at Mr. Delamere, and so passed on. Mr.

Barnabas Bloodsuck ably seconded him. Mudflint, with a bitter smirk,

touched his hat slightly; Centipede affected to look another way;

Grogram blushed, and bowed as to his very best customer. Mr. Gammon came

last; and filled with disgust at the reception given to Mr. Delamere,

colored all over, as he took off his hat, and with an expression of very

anxious and pointed politeness, endeavored to satisfy Mr. Delamere and

his party, that there was at all events _one_ in the train of Titmouse,

who had some pretensions to the character of a gentleman.

"Who _can_ that last man be? He's a gentleman," inquired Sir Percival,

with an air of much surprise.

"Mr. Gammon--a man who is lord-paramount at the Hall," replied one.

"Gammon!--Is _that_ Mr.----" echoed Delamere, with much interest; and as

he turned round to look at Gammon, observed that he was doing the same;

on which both hastily turned away.

As the important day approached, each party _professed_ complete

confidence as to the result. The _Yorkshire Stingo_ declared that it had

authority for stating that Mr. Titmouse's majority would be at least

three to one over Mr. Delamere--and that, too, in glorious defiance of

the most lavish bribery and corruption, and the most tyrannical

intimidation, which had ever disgraced the annals of electioneering. In

fact, it was presumptuous in Mr. Delamere to attempt to foist himself

upon a borough with which he had no connection; and was done with a

wanton and malicious determination to occasion expense and annoyance to

Mr. Titmouse. The _York True Blue_, on the contrary, assured its readers

that Mr. Delamere's prospects were of the brightest description--and

though by perhaps a small majority, yet he was sure of his election. He

had been everywhere hailed with the greatest enthusiasm. Many of even

Mr. Titmouse's tenantry had nobly volunteered their support to Mr.

Delamere; and at Grilston, so long regarded as the very focus and hotbed

of democracy, his success had surpassed the most sanguine expectations

of his friends, and so forth. Then there was a sly and mischievous

caution to the electors, not to be led away by the ingenious and

eloquent sophistries which might be expected from Mr. Titmouse at the

hustings, on the day of nomination!! All this might be very well for the

papers, and probably produce its impression upon those who, at a

distance, are in the habit of relying upon them. But as for the

actors--the parties concerned--Mr. Delamere was repeatedly assured by

Mr. Crafty that a decent minority was the very utmost that could be

expected; while Titmouse and his friends, on the other hand, were in a

very painful state of uncertainty as to the issue: only Gammon, however,

and perhaps one or two others, being acquainted with the true source of

uneasiness and difficulty--viz. the abominable rapacity of the Quaint

Club.

At length dawned the day which was to determine how far Yatton was

worthy or unworthy of the boon which had been conferred upon it by the

glorious Bill for giving Everybody Everything--which was to witness the

maiden contest between the two hopeful scions of the noble and ancient

houses of Dreddlington and De la Zouch--on which it was to be

ascertained whether Yatton was to be bought and sold, like any other

article of merchandise, by a bitter old boroughmonger; or to signalize

itself by its spirit and independence, in returning one who avowed, and

would support, the noble principles which secured the passing of the

Great Bill which has been so often alluded to. As for my hero, Mr.

Titmouse, it gives me pain to have to record--making even all due

allowance for the excitement occasioned by so exhilarating an

occasion--that during the canvass, there were scarcely two hours in the

day during which he could be considered as sober. He generally left his

bed about eleven o'clock in the morning--about two o'clock, reached his

committee-room--there he called for a bottle or two of soda-water, with

brandy; and, thus supported, set out on his canvass, and never refused

an invitation to take a glass of ale, at the houses which he visited.

About the real business of the election--about his own true position and

prospects--Gammon never once deigned to consult or instruct him; but had

confined himself to the preparation of a very short and simple speech,

to be delivered by Titmouse, if possible, from the hustings, and which

he had made that gentleman copy out many times, and _promise_ that he

would endeavor to learn off by heart. He might as well, however, have

attempted to walk up the outside of the Monument!

Merrily rang the bells of Grilston church on the election morning, by

order of the vicar, the Reverend Gideon Fleshpot, who was a stanch

Titmousite, and had long cast a sort of sheep's eye upon the living of

Yatton; for he was nearly twenty years younger than its present

possessor, Dr. Tatham. What a bustle was there in the town by eight

o'clock! All business was to be suspended for the day. Great numbers

from the places adjacent began to pour into the town about that hour. It

was soon seen who was the popular candidate--he whose colors were

_yellow_; for wherever you went, yellow cockades, rosettes, and

button-ties for the men, and yellow ribbons for the girls, yellow flags

and yellow placards with "TITMOUSE FOR YATTON!" met the eye. Mr.

Delamere's colors were a deep blue, but were worn, I am sorry to say, by

only one in four or five of those who were stirring about; and who,

moreover, however respectable, and in appearance superior to the

adherents of Titmouse, yet wore no such look of confidence and

cheerfulness as they. From the bow-window of the Hare and Hounds, Mr.

Delamere's headquarters, streamed an ample and very rich blue silk

banner, on which was worked, in white silk, the figure of a Bible,

Crown, and Sceptre, and the words, "Delamere for Yatton." This would

have probably secured some little favorable notice from his sullen and

bitter opponents, had they known that it had been the workmanship of

some fifteen of as sweet beautiful girls as could have been picked out

of the whole county of York; and, by the way, 'tis a singular and

melancholy sign of the times, that beauty, innocence, and

accomplishment, are in England to be found uniformly arrayed on the side

of tyranny and corruption, against the people. Then Mr. Delamere's

_band_ was equal to three such as that of his opponent--playing with

equal precision and power: and, what was more, they played very bold,

enlivening tunes as they paraded the town. There was one feature of the

early proceedings of the day, that was rather singular and significant:

viz. that though all the members of the formidable QUAINT CLUB were

stirring about, _not one of them wore the colors of either party_,

though (between ourselves) each man had the colors of both parties in

his pocket. They appeared studiously to abstain from a display of party

feeling--though several of them _could_ not resist a leering wink of the

eye when the yellow band went clashing past them. They also had a band,

which went about the town, preceded by their own standard--a very broad

sheet of sky-blue, stretched between two poles, supported by two men;

and the droll device it bore, was--an enormous man's face, with an

intense squint, and two hands, with the thumbs of each resting on the

nose, and the fingers spread out towards the beholder. It produced--as

it seemed designed to produce--shouts of laughter wherever it made its

appearance. Every member of the Quaint Club, however, wore a grave face;

as if they were the only persons who appreciated the nature of the

exalted functions which they were entitled, and about to exercise. No

one could tell which way they intended to vote, though all expected that

they were to come in at the last, and place the yellows in a triumphant

majority of a hundred, at least. Though it had been a matter of

notoriety that they were Mr. Titmouse's men, before Mr. Delamere

appeared in the field; yet, _since_ then, they had suddenly exhibited a

politic and persevering silence and reserve, even among their personal

friends and acquaintance. The yellow band performed one feat which was

greatly applauded by the yellow crowd which attended them, and evidenced

the delicacy by which those who guided their movements were actuated:

viz. they frequently passed and repassed Mr. Delamere's committee-room,

playing that truly inspiriting air, "The Rogue's March." Then the

yellows dressed up a poor old donkey in Mr. Delamere's colors, which

were plentifully attached to the animal's ears and tail, and paraded

him, with great cheering, before the doors of the Hare and Hounds, and

Mr. Delamere's principal friends and adherents. Nay--one of the more

vivacious of the crowd threw a stone at a little corner window of the

blue committee-room, through which it went smashing on its way, till it

hit and overturned the inkstand of calm Mr. Crafty, who sat alone in the

little room, busy at work with pen, ink, and paper. He looked up for a

moment, called for a fresh inkstand, and presently resumed his pen, as

if nothing had happened.

The hustings were erected upon a very convenient and commodious green,

at the southern extremity of the town; and thither might be seen, first

on its way, a little after eleven o'clock, the procession of the popular

candidate--Mr. Titmouse. Here and there might be heard, as he passed,

the startling sounds of mimic ordnance, fired by little boys from

house-tops. As they passed the church, its bells rang their merriest

peal; and, at a little distance farther on, the little boys of Mr. Hic

Hæc Hoc, each with a small rosette tied to his jacket, struck up a

squeaking and enthusiastic "hurrah!" while from the upper windows, the

young ladies (three in number) of Mrs. Hic Hæc Hoc's "establishment,"

waved their little white pocket-handkerchiefs. Next on their way, they

passed the "_Reverend_" Smirk Mudflint's chapel, which was in very queer

contiguity to an establishment of a very queer character--in fact,

adjoining it. Against the upper part of the chapel hung a device

calculated to arrest, as it _did_ arrest, universal attention--viz. an

_inverted_ copy of the New Testament; over it, the figure of a church

turned upside down, with the point of its steeple resting on the word

"Revelation;" and upon the aforesaid church stood proudly erect an

exact representation of Mr. Smirk Mudflint's chapel, over which were the

words--"FREEDOM OF OPINION! and TRUTH TRIUMPHANT!" But I do not know

whether another device, worked by Miss Mudflint--a skinny, tallow-faced,

and flinty-hearted young lady of nine-and-twenty--was not still more

striking and original; viz. a Triangle and an Eye with rays, and the

words--"_Titmouse_! _Truth_! _Peace_!" Three cheers for Mr. Mudflint

were given here; and Mr. Mudflint bowed all round with an air of proud

excitement--feeling, moreover, an intense desire to stop the procession

and make a speech, while opposite to his own little dunghill.

First in the procession marched a big fellow with one eye, bearing a

flag, with a red cap on a pike, and the words, in large black

characters--

"TITMOUSE or DEATH!!!

"LET TYRANTS TREMBLE!!!!"

Then came the band, and next to them walked--TITTLEBAT TITMOUSE, Esq.,

dressed exactly as he was when he encountered, in their canvass, the

party of his opponent, as I have already described--only that he wore a

yellow rosette, attached to a button-hole on the left side of his drab

great-coat. His protuberant light blue eyes danced with delight, and his

face was flushed with excitement. His hat was off and on every moment,

in acknowledgment of the universal salutations which greeted him, and

which so occupied him that he even forgot to use his eyeglass. On his

left hand walked, wrapped up in a plain dark-hued great-coat, a somewhat

different person--Mr. Gammon. The expression which his features wore was

one of intense anxiety; and any tolerably close observer might have

detected the mortification and disgust with which his eye occasionally

glanced at, and was as suddenly withdrawn from, the figure of the

grinning idiot beside him. Who do you think, reader, walked on Mr.

Titmouse's right-hand side? Sir Harkaway Rotgut Wildfire, Baronet; whose

keen political feelings, added to a sincere desire to secure a chance of

his daughter's becoming the mistress of Yatton, had long ago obliterated

all unkindly recollection of Mr. Titmouse's gross conduct on a former

occasion, after having received, through the medium of Mr. Bloodsuck,

senior, as a common friend, a satisfactory apology. Next walked Mr.

Titmouse's mover and seconder, the "_Reverend_" Mr. Mudflint, and Going

Gone, "_Esquire_." Then came Mr. Centipede and Mr. Woodlouse, Mr.

Grogram and Mr. Ginblossom; Mr. Gargle Glister, Mr. Barnabas Bloodsuck,

and Mr. Hic Hæc Hoc; and others of the leading friends of Mr. Titmouse,

followed by some two hundred of others, two and two. Thus passed along

the main street of Grilston, in splendid array, what might too truly

have been called the _triumphal_ procession of the popular candidate;

his progress being accompanied by the enlivening music of his band, the

repeated acclamations of the excited and intelligent crowd, the waving

of banners and flags below, and handkerchiefs and scarfs from the ladies

at the windows, and desperate strugglings from time to time, on the part

of the crowd, to catch a glimpse of Mr. Titmouse. Mr. Gammon had the day

before judiciously hired ten pounds' worth of mob--a device alone

sufficient to have made Mr. Titmouse the popular candidate, and it now

told excellently; for the aforesaid ten pounds' worth disposed itself in

truly admirable order, in front of the hustings--and, on Mr. Titmouse's

making his appearance there, set up a sudden and enthusiastic shout,

which rent the air, and was calculated to strike dismay into the heart

of the enemy. Mr. Titmouse, on gaining the hustings, changed color

visibly, and, coming in front, took off his glossy hat, and bowed

repeatedly in all directions. Mr. Delamere's procession was of a vastly

superior description, yet too palpably that of the unpopular

candidate--every member of it from first to last, having made up his

mind to encounter incivility, and even insult, however really anxious to

avoid the slightest occasion for it. The band was numerous, and played

admirably. There was a profusion of gay and handsome flags and banners.

Mr. Delamere walked next to the musicians, with a gallant bearing, a gay

and cheerful smile, yet oft darkened by anxiety as he perceived

indubitable symptoms of a disposition to rough treatment on the part of

the crowd. On his right-hand side walked Mr. St. Aubyn; on his left, Sir

Percival Pickering, the late member for the borough. Following them came

Mr. Gold, the banker, and Mr. Milnthorpe, an extensive and

highly-respectable flour factor--these being Mr. Delamere's mover and

seconder: and they were followed by at least three hundred others, two

and two, all of a substantial and respectable appearance, and most

resolute air, to boot. No amount of mob, that day, in Grilston, would

have ventured an attack, in passing, upon that stout-hearted body of

yeomen. A great many white handkerchiefs were waved from the windows, as

Delamere passed along--waved by the hands of hundreds of fair creatures,

whose hearts throbbed with fond fears lest an unoffending gentleman

should be maltreated by the reckless mob. When Mr. Delamere approached a

certain prominent window, opposite to the town hall, his heart began to

beat quickly. _There_ were four as beautiful and high-born young women

as England could have produced, all gazing down upon him with eager and

anxious looks. It was not they, however, who occasioned Mr. Delamere's

emotion. He knew that in that room was Lady De la Zouch--_his mother_;

and he grew silent and excited as he approached it. One of the loveliest

of the four, as he stopped and with respectful bow looked up for an

instant--Lady Alethea Lorymer--suddenly and quite unexpectedly

stepped aside; and there stood revealed the figure of Lady De la Zouch.

She would have waved her handkerchief, but that she required it to

conceal her emotion. The lips of neither mother nor son moved; but their

_hearts_ uttered reciprocal benedictions--and Delamere passed on. As he

neared the church, I regret to have it to put on record, but at the

bidding of the Reverend Gideon Fleshpot, the bells _tolled as for a

funeral_!!

Could anything have been more lamentable and disgusting? If the sudden

and unexpected sight of his mother had been calculated in any degree to

subdue, for a moment, his feelings, what ensued within a minute or two

afterwards was sufficient to excite his sternest mood; for as soon as

ever the head of his procession became visible to the crowd on the

green, there arose a tremendous storm of yelling, hooting, hissing, and

groaning: and when Mr. Delamere made his appearance in front of the

hustings, you might have imagined that you were witnessing the reception

given to some loathsome miscreant mounting the gallows to expiate with

his life a hideous and revolting crime. He advanced, nevertheless, with

a smile of cheerful resolution and good-humor, though he changed color a

little; and, taking off his hat, bowed in all directions. Gracious

Heaven! what a contrast he presented to his popular rival, Mr. Titmouse,

who stood grinning and winking to the wretches immediately underneath,

evidently with a spiteful gratification at the treatment which his

opponent was experiencing. Any one on the hustings or in the crowd had

but to call out "Three cheers for Mr. Titmouse!" to be instantly obeyed;

then "Three _groans_ for the young boroughmonger!" were responded to

with amazing vehemence and effect. Viewed from a distance sufficient to

prevent your observing the furious faces of the dense mob, and hearing

the opprobrious epithets which were levelled against the unpopular

candidate, the scene appeared both interesting and exciting. On the

outskirts of the crowd were to be seen a great number of carriages, both

close and open, principally occupied by ladies--and I need hardly say

who was the favorite in _those_ quarters. Then the rival bands moved

continually about, playing well-known national airs; while the banners

and flags, blue and yellow, heightened the exhilarating and picturesque

effect of the whole. The hustings were strong and commodious; Mr.

Titmouse and his friends stood on the right, Mr. Delamere and his

friends on the left side. He was dressed in a simple dark blue surtout

and plain black stock. He was tall, elegant, and easy in his person,

appearance, and gestures; his countenance was prepossessing, and bespoke

a little excitement, which did not, however, obscure its good-nature.

And beside him stood his mover and seconder, Mr. Gold and Mr.

Milnthorpe: the two late members; and about twenty or thirty other

gentlemen--the whole party forming such a strong contrast to their

opponents, as must have challenged any one's observation in an instant.

Titmouse stood in the centre, leaning (as he supposed) gracefully,

against the front bar; on his right stood the burly, slovenly figure of

Sir Harkaway Rotgut Wildfire, with his big, bloated, blotchy face: on

Mr. Titmouse's left stood his proposer, the "Reverend" Smirk Mudflint.

His lean, sallow face wore a very disagreeable and bitter expression,

which was aggravated by a sinister cast of one of his eyes. He was

dressed in black, with a white neckerchief and no shirt-collar. Next to

him stood Going Gone, Esq., Mr. Titmouse's seconder, with a ruddy

complexion, light hair, a droll eye, and an expression of coarse but by

no means ill-natured energy. Gammon stood immediately behind Titmouse,

into whose ear he whispered frequently and anxiously. There were also

the Reverend Gideon Fleshpot, (though he evidently did not wish to make

himself conspicuous,) Mr. Glister, Mr. Grogram, Mr. Woodlouse, Mr.

Centipede, Mr. Ginblossom, Mr. Hic Hæc Hoc, the Messrs. Bloodsuck,

father and son--and other "leading Liberals." The business of the day

having been opened, with the ordinary formalities, by the returning

officer, he earnestly besought the assembled multitude to remember that

they were Englishmen, and to give both parties fair play, allowing every

one who might address them from the hustings, to be heard without

serious interruption. It had been arranged between the two committees

that Mr. Titmouse should be first proposed; and the moment, therefore,

that the returning officer ceased speaking, the "Reverend" Mr. Mudflint

took off his hat and prepared to address the "electors;" but he had to

wait for at least three minutes, in order that the applause with which

he had been greeted might subside; during which little anxious interval,

he could not help directing towards his opponents a look of bitter

exultation. He spoke with the self-possession, fluency, and precision of

a practised public speaker. If the day's proceedings were to take their

tone from that of the opening speech, 't was a thousand pities that it

had fallen to the lot of the "Reverend" Mr. Mudflint to deliver it. He

had so clear a voice, spoke with such distinctness and deliberation, and

amid such silence, that every word he uttered was audible all over the

crowd; and anything more unchristian, uncourteous, unfair, towards his

opponents, and calculated to excite towards them the hatred of the

crowd, could hardly have been conceived. In what offensive and indecent

terms he spoke of the Established Church and its ministers! of the

aristocracy, ("those natural tyrants," he said,) and indeed of all the

best and time-hallowed institutions of dear glorious old England--which

might, by the way, well blush to own such a creature as he, as one

entitled by birth to call himself one of her sons! How he hailed the

approaching downfall of "_priest-craft_" and "_king-craft_!"--"A new

light," he said, "was diffusing itself over benighted mankind--'t was

the pure and steady light of REASON, and all filthy things were flying

from before it," (immense cheers followed the announcement of this

important and interesting fact.) "The Bible," he said, "was a book of

excellent common sense; and nothing but villanous priestcraft had

attempted to torture and dislocate it into all sorts of fantastic

mysteries, which led to rank idolatry and blasphemy, equally revolting

to God and man." (Perceiving, from the coolness with which it was

received, that this was going a _little_ too rapidly a-head, he dropped

that subject altogether, and soon regained the ear of his audience, by

descanting in very declamatory and inflammatory terms upon the

resplendent victory which the people had recently gained in the glorious

Bill for giving Everybody Everything.) "They had burst their bonds with

a noble effort; but their chains would be quickly re-riveted, unless

they followed up their advantage, and never stopped short of crushing a

heartless, tyrannical, and insolent oligarchy; unless the people were

now true to themselves, and returned to the House of Commons men

resolved to watch over the energies of reviving liberty, lest they

should be strangled in their way--(the remainder of the sentence was

inaudible in the storm of applause which it excited.) Under these

circumstances, Providence itself had pointed out an individual whom he

was proud and happy to propose to their notice--(here he turned and

bowed to Mr. Titmouse, who, plucking off his hat, bobbed in return, amid

the deafening cheers of all before them, to whom also he bowed

repeatedly.) A gentleman who seemed, as it were, made for them; who, in

his own person, might be said to afford a lively illustration of the

regeneration of society--who, to borrow for a moment an absurd word

from his opponents, had by a sort of _miracle_ (with what an infernal

emphasis he pronounced this word!) been placed where he was, in his

present proud position; who had totally and happily changed the whole

aspect of affairs in the neighborhood, which had already become the

scene of his profuse and yet discriminating generosity and hospitality;

who stood in bright and bold relief from out a long gloomy line of

ancestors, all of whom, he lamented to say, had lived and died in enmity

to the people, and had distinguished themselves by nothing except their

bigotry, and hatred of civil and religious liberty. Mr. Titmouse was the

first of his ancient family to claim the proud title of the--Man of the

People. (Here a voice called out, 'three cheers for Mr.

Titmouse!'--which were given spontaneously, and most effectively.) His

'_Address_' was worthy of him--it did equal honor to his head and his

heart, (it is impossible to describe the smile which here just glanced

over the countenance of Mr. Gammon,) touching nothing that it did not

adorn--at once bold, explicit, comprehensive, and uncompromising!--He

had had the felicity of enjoying the acquaintance, he might venture

perhaps to say, the friendship, of Mr. Titmouse, since he had taken up

his abode at the home of his ancestors, and very proud was he--Mr.

Mudflint--to be able to say so. He could assure the electors, from his

own personal knowledge of Mr. Titmouse, that they would have cause to be

proud of their future representative--of the choice which they were

about to make. (Here the worthy speaker had some sudden misgivings as to

the display likely to be made by Titmouse, when it came to his turn to

address the electors:--so he added in _rather_ a subdued tone)--It was

true that they might not have, in Mr. Titmouse, a magpie in the House,

(_laughter_,) a mere chatterer--much cry and little wool; they had had

enough of mere speechifiers at St. Stephen's--but they would have a good

working member, (_cheers;_) one always at his post in the hour of

danger, (_cheers;_) a good committee-man, and one whose princely fortune

rendered him independent of party and of the blandishments of power. In

the language of the ancient _poet_ (_!_) Mr. Mudflint would exclaim on

such an occasion; '_Facta, non verba quæro_,' (_great cheering._) And

now a word for his opponent, (_groans._) He was a mere puppet, held in

the hands of some one out of sight, (_laughter,_)--it _might_ be of a

base old boroughmonger, (_groans_)--who sought to make Yatton a rotton

borough, (_hisses,_) a stepping-stone to ascendency in the county,

(Cries of 'Will he though, lad, eh?') who would buy and sell them like

slaves, (_hisses,_) and would never rest satisfied till he had restored

the intolerable old vassalage of feudalism, (groans and hisses here

burst forth from that enlightened assemblage, at the bare idea of

anything so frightful.) He meant nothing personally offensive to the

honorable candidate--but _was_ he worthy of a moment's serious notice?

(_great laughter._) Had he an opinion of his own? (_loud laughter._) Had

he not better, to use the language of a book that was much

misunderstood, _tarry at Jerusalem_ (_!!!_) _till his beard was grown_?

Was he not, in fact, a nonentity unworthy of a reasonable man's

attention? Was he not reeking from Oxford, (_groans,_) that hotbed of

pedantic ignorance and venerable bigotry, (_hootings,_) surrounded by a

dismal and lurid halo of superstition?" (_groaning and hooting._)

Finer and finer was Mr. Mudflint becoming every moment as he warmed with

his subject--but unfortunately his audience was beginning very

unequivocally to intimate that they were quite satisfied with what they

had already heard. A cry, for instance, issued from the crowd--"the rest

of my _discoorse_ next Sunday!"--for they knew that they were being

kept all this while from one of their greatest favorites, Mr. Going

Gone, who had also himself been latterly rather frequently and

significantly winking his eye at those before him, and shrugging his

shoulders. Mr. Mudflint, therefore, with feelings of vivid vexation,

pique, and envy, concluded rather abruptly by proposing TITTLEBAT

TITMOUSE, ESQUIRE, of YATTON, as a fit and proper person to represent

them in Parliament. Up went hats into the air, and shouts of the most

joyous and enthusiastic description rent the air for several minutes.

Then took off his hat the jolly Mr. Going Gone--a signal for roars of

laughter, and cries of coarse and droll welcome, in expectancy of fun.

Nor were they disappointed. He kept them in good-humor and fits of

laughter during the whole of his "Address;" and though destitute of any

pretence to refinement, I must at the same time say, that there were to

be detected in it no traces of ill-nature. He concluded by seconding the

nomination of Mr. Titmouse, amid tumultuous cheers; and after waiting

for some few minutes, in order that they might subside, Mr. Gold took

off his hat, and essayed to address the crowd. Now he really was, what

he looked, an old man of unaffected and very great good-humor, and a

benevolence which was extensive, and systematic. He had only the week

before distributed soup, blankets, coals, and potatoes to two hundred

poor families in the borough, even as he had done at that period of the

year, for the preceding quarter of a century. No tale of distress,

indeed, was ever told him in vain, unless palpably fictitious and

fraudulent. The moment that his bare head, scantily covered with gray

hairs, was visible, there arose, at a given signal from Mr. Barnabas

Bloodsuck, a dreadful hissing, hooting, and groaning from all parts of

the crowd. If he appeared disposed to persevere in addressing the two or

three persons immediately around him, that only infuriated the mob

against the poor old man, who bore it all, however, with great

good-humor and fortitude. But it was in vain. After some twenty minutes

spent in useless efforts to make himself audible, he concluded in mere

dumb show, by proposing THE HONORABLE GEOFFREY LOVEL DELAMERE, at the

mention of whose name there again arose a perfect tempest of howling,

hissing, groaning, and hooting. Then Mr. Milnthorpe came forward,

determined not to be "_put down_." He was a very tall and powerfully

built man; bold and determined, with a prodigious power of voice, and

the heart of a lion. "Now, lads, I'm ready to try which can tire the

other out first!" he shouted in a truly stentorian voice, heard over all

their uproar, which it _redoubled_. How vain the attempt! How ridiculous

the challenge! Confident of his lungs, he smiled good-humoredly at the

hissing and bellowing mass before him, and for nearly half an hour

persevered in his attempts to make himself heard. At length, however,

without his having in the slightest degree succeeded, his pertinacity

began to irritate the crowd who, in fact, felt themselves being

_bullied_; and _that_ no crowd, that ever I saw, or heard of, can bear

for one instant; and _what is one against so many_? Hundreds of fists

were held up and shaken at him. A missile of some sort or another was

flung at him, though it missed him; and then the returning officer

advised him to desist from his attempts, lest mischief should ensue; on

which he shouted at the top of his voice, "I second Mr. Delamere!" and,

amid immense groaning and hissing, replaced his hat on his head, thereby

owning himself vanquished; which the mob also perceiving, they burst

into loud and long-continued laughter.

"Now, Mr. Titmouse!" said the returning officer, addressing that

gentleman: who on hearing the words, turned as white as a sheet, and

felt very much disposed to be sick. He pulled out of his coat-pocket a

well-worn little roll of paper, on which was the speech which Mr.

Gammon had prepared for him, as I have already intimated; and with a

shaking hand he unrolled it, casting at its contents a glance--momentary

and despairing. What then would that little fool have given for memory,

voice, and manner enough to "speak the speech that had been set down for

him!" He cast a dismal look over his shoulder at Mr. Gammon, and took

off his hat--Sir Harkaway clapping him on the back, exclaiming, "Now

for't, lad--have at 'em, and away--never fear!" The moment that he stood

bareheaded, and prepared to address the writhing mass of faces before

him, he was greeted with a prodigious shout, while hats were some of

them waved, and others flung into the air. It was, indeed, several

minutes before the uproar abated in the least. With fearful rapidity,

however, every species of noise and interruption ceased--and a deadly

silence prevailed. The sea of eager excited faces--all turned towards

_him_--was a spectacle which might for a moment have shaken the nerves

of even a _man_--had he been "unaccustomed to public speaking." The

speech, which--brief and simple though it was--he had never been able to

make his own, even after copying it out half-a-dozen times, and trying

to learn it off for an hour or two daily during the preceding fortnight,

he had now utterly forgotten; and he would have given a hundred pounds

to retire at once from the contest, or sink unperceived under the floor

of the hustings.

"Begin! begin!" whispered Gammon, earnestly.

"Ya--a--s--but--what shall I say?" stammered Titmouse.

"Your speech"--answered Gammon, impatiently.

"I--I--'pon my--soul--I've--forgot every word of it!"

"Then _read_ it," said Gammon, in a furious whisper--

"Good God, you'll be hissed off the hustings!--Read from the paper, do

you hear!" he added, almost gnashing his teeth.

Matters having come to this fearful issue, "Gentlemen," commenced Mr.

Titmouse, faintly----

"Hear him! Hear, hear!--Hush!--Sh! sh!" cried the impatient and

expectant crowd.

Now, I happen to have a short-hand writer's notes of every word uttered

by Mr. Titmouse, together with an account of the reception it met with:

and I shall here give the reader, first, Mr. Titmouse's _real_, and

secondly, Mr. Titmouse's _supposed_ speech, as it appeared two days

afterwards in the columns of the _Yorkshire Stingo_.

"Look on _this_ picture----and on THIS!"

Mr. Titmouse's ACTUAL Speech.

"GENTLEMEN,--Most uncommon, unaccustomed as I am,

(_cheers_)--happy--memorable,--proudest--high honor--unworthy,

(_cheering_)--day of my life--important crisis, (_cheers_)--day gone

by, and arrived--too late, (_cheering_)--civil and religions liberty

all over the world, (_immense cheering, led off by Mr. Mudflint._)

Yes, gentlemen,--I would observe--it is unnecessary to say--passing

of that truly glorious Bill--charter--no mistake--Britons never

shall be slaves, (_enthusiastic cheers._)--Gentlemen, would be ruin

to go back, while to stand still was impossible, (_cheers;_) and,

therefore, there was nothing for it but to go forward, (_great

cheering_). He looked upon the passing of the Bill for giving

Everybody Everything, as establishing an entirely new order of

things, (_cheers._) in which the people had been roused to a sense

of their being the only legitimate source of power, (_cheering._)

They had, like Samson, though weakened by the cruelty and torture of

his tyrants, bowed down and broken into pieces the gloomy fabric of

aristocracy. The words 'Civil and Religious Liberty' were now no

longer a by-word and a reproach, (_cheers;_) but, as had been finely

observed by the gentleman who had so eloquently proposed him to

their notice, the glorious truth had gone forth to the ends of the

earth, that no man was under any responsibility for his opinions or

his belief, any more than for the shape of his nose, (_universal

cheering._) A spirit of tolerance, amelioration, and renovation, was

now abroad, actively engaged in repairing our defective and

dilapidated constitution, the relic of a barbarous age--with some

traces of modern duty, but more of Church Establishment to

a--difference between me and my honorable opponent, (_loud cheers

and groans,_) I live among you, (_cheers_)--spend my money in the

borough, (_cheers_)--no business to come here, ('_No, no!_')--right

about, close borough, (_hisses!_)--patient attention, which I will

not further trespass upon, (_'hear! hear!' and loud

cheering,_)--full explanation--rush early to the--base, bloody, and

brutal (_cheers_)--poll triumphant--extinguish forever,

(_cheers._)--Gentlemen, these are my sentiments--wish, you many

happy--re--hem! a-hem--and by early displaying a determination

to--(_cries of 'we will! we will!'_)--eyes of the whole country upon

you--crisis of our national representation--patient

attention--latest day of my life.--Gentlemen, yours truly."

Mr. Titmouse's REPORTED Speech.

"Silence having been restored, Mr. Titmouse said, that he feared it

was but too evident that he was unaccustomed to scenes so exciting

as the present one--that was one source of his embarrassment; but

the greatest was, the enthusiastic reception with which he had been

honored, and of which he owned himself quite unworthy, (_cheers._)

He agreed with the gentleman who had proposed him in so very able

and powerful a speech, (_cheers,_) that we had arrived at a crisis

in our national history, (_cheering_)--a point at which it

unaccustomed as I am to address an assembly of this--ahem! (_'hear!

hear! hear!' and cheers_)--civil and religious liberty all over the

world, (_cheers_)--yet the tongue can feel where the heart cannot

express the (_cheers_)--so help me----! universal suffrage and cheap

and enlightened equality, (_cries of 'that's it, lad!'_)--which can

never fear to see established in this country--(_cheers_)--if only

true to--industrious classes and corn-laws--yes, gentlemen, I say

corn-laws--for I am of op--(_hush! cries of 'ay, lad, what dost say

about_ THEM?') working out the principles which conduce to the

establishment a--a--a--civil and religious liberty of the press!

(_cheers!_) and the working classes, (_hush!_)--Gentlemen,

unaccustomed as I am--well--at any rate--will you--I say--_will_

you? (_vehement cries of 'No! No! Never!'_) unless you are true to

yourselves! Gentlemen, without going into--vote by Ballot (_cheers_)

and quarterly Parliaments, (_loud cheering,_) three polar stars of

my public conduct--(here the great central banner was waved to and

fro, amid enthusiastic cheering)--and reducing the over-grown

ancient ignorance and unsightliness, (_cheers._) The great Bill he

alluded to, had roused the masses into political being, (_immense

cheering,_) and made them sensible of the necessity of keeping down

a rapacious and domineering oligarchy, (_groans._) Was not the

liberty of the press placed now upon an intelligible and

imperishable basis?--Already were its purifying and invigorating

influences perceptible, (_cheering_)--and he trusted that it would

never cease to direct its powerful energies to the demolition of the

many remaining barriers to the improvement of mankind, (_cheers._)

The corn-laws must be repealed, the taxes must be lowered, the army

and navy reduced; vote by ballot and universal suffrage conceded,

the quarterly meeting of Parliament secured, and the revenues of the

church be made applicable to civil purposes. Marriage must be no

longer fenced about by religious ceremonials, (_cheers._) He found

that there were three words on his banner, which were worth a

thousand speeches--_Peace, Retrenchment, Reform_.--which, as had

been happily observed by the gentleman who had so ably proposed

him"----

[And so on for a column more; in the course of which there were really

so many flattering allusions to the opening speech of the proposer of

Titmouse, that it has often occurred to me as probable, that the

"Reverend" Mr. Mudflint had supplied the above report of Mr. Titmouse's

speech.]