This desire to develop nursing theory goes back to my years (1959-64) as
a faculty member in a graduate nursing program. I fussed with the idea,
did not know exactly what I was fussing about, and expressed my desire,
interest, and concern poorly. Much, I am sure now, to others' dismay.
Teaching in nursing was an offering of multitudinous theories developed
in and for other disciplines using nursing examples. There were both
similarities and differences in the many nursing examples in which
attempts were made to describe the qualities of the participants'
beings. Emphasis was placed on the observations by the nurse of the
others' responses in the nursing situation. Nursing education was rife
with lengthy repetitive examples utilized to focus on particular
variations. I desired a unifying base applicable to all nursing
situations. This was not a seeking for conformity nor an attempt to
negate individuality. Certainly I did not want such a base to exclude
individual nurses' talents. Rather this base, foundation of nursing
indicative of the nature of nursing, would heuristically promote endless
variations to flow, blossom, cross-pollinate, and evolve. {97}
In these observations and thinkings I was attempting to understand, sort
out, and clarify the questions that underlay my puzzlement. This
puzzlement arose out of my 18 years in nursing practice and education.
In a theory course and a philosophy of science course, while in doctoral
study, I recognized and learned to label my unrest and puzzlement as a
recognition of the need for nursing theory.
In 1966 in discussing my purposes for doctoral study, I expressed this
unrest and puzzlement. I viewed my varied past experiences in nursing as
excellent. I sought time to reflect on the past 24 years of living
nursing to see what it could tell me, and to come to better understand
its meaning to the profession of nursing. The philosophical nature of
these questions and what they express of myself is evident. Such
personal revelation at this time is no risk, and withholding would only
deprive myself and others of the answers that might be brought forth.
As in most school situations initially responding to class assignments
and involvement in new clinical situations consumed my time and thwarted
my personal, professional interests. When I commented on this my
interests were interpreted to me as a desire to live in the past. Living
in the present was recommended and terms like "up-to-date" and
"progressive" were employed. I felt stopped cold. I had never viewed
myself as old fashioned or non-progressive. Many of my past nursing
experiences were still avant-garde as compared with general current
practices.
There was something different though in recalling and reflecting on the
past as opposed to current experiences. One's past would be visible in
view of how one approached and experienced the present.
Self-confrontation moved me beyond confining myself either to the past
or to the present. In my writings one could detect a comparison of what
had been known with what was coming to be known. It was as if a light of
a different hue lit up the whole--past and present--as a different
scene. Similarly I viewed and experienced my clinical experience
differently. I gained awareness of a quality of my being that always had
been there, but which I hid. Now I valued this part, struggled with it,
and expressed it directly with courage, integrity, and pride. The power
with which this self-actualization imbued me has been sculpturing my "I"
into a form of my choosing ever more acceptable to me, and accepting of
others.