QUESTIONS TO BE FACED
Rufus sat staring into the fire for the best part of an hour, with eyes
full of pain and questioning. Unwittingly Felix Muller had startled him
out of the condition of semi-insensibility into which he had fallen. The
dull apathy, mental and moral, passed from him like a cloud. He was
keenly alive once more, keenly sensitive to every question that touched
his personal honour. He was amazed that he should have failed to see the
moral issue raised by Muller. Amazed that he had never considered the
rights of the company in which he had insured his life.
Was it true, he wondered, that departure from the Christian faith, the
relinquishing of the idea of accountability to a Supreme Being, lowered
a man's moral standard? Would he have lost sight of the moral view if he
had not drifted into the cold and barren regions of materialistic
philosophy? He had prided himself on his personal honour, and yet had he
not been sliding downwards, steadily and unconsciously, ever since he
cast religion definitely aside? The Churches might concern themselves
mainly with questions that were of little account. But, after all, they
did keep alive the sense of God, the idea of accountability, the
importance of right living.
If he had held on, for instance, to the faith of his childhood, would he
have lost sight for a moment of the fact that to cheat a public company
was just as dishonest as to cheat a private individual? Could he under
any circumstances have entered into the compact he had? Would he not
have sighted the moral issue in a moment?
He felt humiliated and ashamed. How could he patch the garment of his
personal honour with stolen material. The conduct of Micawber in paying
Traddles with his I.O.U. was nobility itself in comparison with his
proposal to pay Muller by cheating an insurance company. The only
question that had worried him until now was whether a man had any right
to take his own life. And his materialistic philosophy had led him to
the conclusion that in such a matter he was responsible to himself
alone, that his life was his own to do what he liked with, to end it or
use it, just as seemed good in his own eyes.
That might be true still for all he knew, though he was beginning to
doubt. But on a question of common honesty there was no room for two
opinions. Society was built up and held together by the recognition of
certain fundamental principles. There was practically universal
agreement on certain things. No argument was necessary. No one was asked
to prove that fire was hot or that ice was cold, for instance. So with
honesty and dishonesty. A man who tried to defend cheating would be
ostracised.
But why had he failed to see this clear moral issue? That was the
question that troubled him. He had struck a blow at his own integrity
and was not conscious of it. Just as the worst kind of hell is to be in
hell and not know it, so the most terrible state of depravity is to be
depraved and to be unconscious of the fact.
Rufus felt such a sense of personal loathing as he had never known
before. He saw himself as in a mirror--not darkly, but clearly. He
realised that in casting away the husks he had cast away the grain also,
that in losing the sense of accountability he had obscured his vision of
righteousness.
There were certain excuses to be made for himself he knew. He had been
so certain of the success of his scheme that he had never given himself
time to consider the alternative issue. It was only recently that the
idea of failure had seriously crossed his mind. At the beginning he had
refused to consider it even as a remote contingency. That the company
would ever be called upon to pay the money was too absurd to be thought
of.
In addition to that, there had been a vague idea somewhere at the back
of his mind that a company and an individual were not in the same
category, that they belonged to a different order of things.
A company was something impersonal--something that had neither morals
nor conscience, that had neither a body to be kicked nor a soul to be
saved. Hence the idea of cheating a company was on a par with trying to
cheat a steamship or a railway engine.
He had never said this to himself. He had never really looked at the
matter, but he was vaguely conscious that there had been some such
feeling or idea in his mind. Why such an idea should have possessed his
sub-consciousness he did not know. Now that he had become wide-awake to
the real issue he was amazed.
Then there was another question that went hand in hand with the others.
Why did his moral sense become acutely awake at this particular
juncture? He had been getting back again to the old landmarks. He had
been recovering his lost faith on many points. His visit to Tregannon
and his many conversations with Marshall Brook had helped him to
discern what was vital in religion. He had been separating,
unconsciously, ecclesiasticism from Christianity. He disliked the former
as much as ever, but the philosophy of Jesus seemed the noblest thing
ever given to the world. If he had been asked if he believed in Jesus
Christ and His teachings he would have said yes. Had he been asked if he
believed in the Church and its teachings, his answer would have still
been a negative, or, if an affirmative it would have been conditioned by
so many reservations that he would not have been deemed suitable for
church membership in any communion. Yet he was not far from the kingdom
of God. The kernel of Christianity he accepted. He knew it and felt it.
His quarrel was no longer with Christ, but with those who pretended to
represent Him, with an organisation that in the main had lost His
Spirit.
Was, then, the quickening of his moral sense the outcome of his
recovered faith? If he had never known Madeline Grover, never read the
books she lent him, never listened to the teachings of Marshall Brook,
would he have troubled about the rights of an insurance company?
These were questions he could not answer. He had not found his bearings
yet. He would need more time. Moreover, the question of all others that
hammered at his brain and conscience was, should he pay back the money
he owed Muller by fraud? Should he be dishonest in one direction that he
might be honest in another? Should he pay a debt of honour by an act of
flagrant dishonour? He knew that Muller would answer yes in a moment;
that with him honesty and honour did not belong to the same category. He
would have said that men might be perfectly honourable without being
honest; that honesty, after all, was merely a matter of policy; that
perfectly honourable men cheated every day.
But with his awakened moral sense Rufus could not see things in that
light. What, therefore, was he to do?
He stole off to bed at length, but not to sleep. Hour after hour he lay
wide awake, thinking, thinking. But he could see no way out of the
difficulty. The more he puzzled his brain the more perplexed he became.
He was on the horns of a dilemma from which there seemed no escape.
As a man of honour he was bound to hand back the money to Muller by the
time appointed, and yet to do so he must take his own life and commit at
the same time an act of roguery that would cover his name with infamy if
men got to know. As far as his own life was concerned he was not in the
mood to set much value upon it, and as the days passed away that mood
deepened and intensified. He asked himself the question constantly, What
had he to live for? The things that made life valuable had been taken
from him. What was life without hope and without love? He was so
absolutely stranded that even if he lived it would only be a miserable
dragging out of existence.
Sometimes he gave way to absolute despair, and the very thought of death
was a relief to him. Peace and quietness and rest were to be found only
in the grave. Why not end the struggle at once? Why wait until summer
came? He could gain nothing by waiting, and a few days more or less
could make no difference. The sooner the fatal slip was taken the sooner
would come relief.
And yet in the darkest days of despair his moral sense revolted. The
idea of committing a fraud as the final act of his life seemed to jar
every fibre of his being. It was not dying he shrank from, though death
itself seemed a far more solemn thing than it had done for many years
past. But he was no coward. He did not recoil even from suffering; but
to die a cheat was what he could not bring himself to look upon with
equanimity.
Again and again he would say to himself, "What does it matter? I have
been a cheat in intention if not in act. The proposal was my own. I
entered into the compact with my eyes wide open."
But such reasoning did not satisfy him. Even when he told himself that
he had no character to lose, that even if the fraud were discovered it
would only throw a little darker shadow upon his memory. It did not
lessen his repugnance of the contemplated act.
So one day of misery succeeded another, and he fancied sometimes he
would lose his reason altogether.
Fortunately for him his old place at the mine became vacant, and the
manager, who had never lost faith in him, was only too glad to reinstate
him.
"Don't be downhearted, Sterne," he said. "Our greatest successes are won
through failure. You will win yet if you have only patience to wait and
strength to persevere."
They were the first really friendly words that had been spoken to him,
and the tears came into his eyes in spite of himself.
Captain Tom Hendy turned away his head. He did not like to see tears in
a strong man's eyes, and he guessed that Rufus must have suffered
terribly for a few friendly words to affect him so much.
"It is kind of you, Capt'n Tom, to say so much," Rufus said, at length,
"but I am too hopelessly stranded ever to do very much."
"Oh, that is all my eye," Captain Tom answered, with a brusque laugh.
"You know the old saying, 'Rome was not built in a day.'"
"Yes, I know the old saying, but I fear it won't help me very much.
Still, I shall be glad to forget my disappointment for a while in my old
tasks."
"Disappointment is the seed-ground out of which grow the fairest
flowers," was the cheery answer.
Captain Tom was a Methodist local preacher, and was somewhat given to
coining phrases that had a pleasant sound. Moreover, he had a big,
kindly heart, a fact which was often unsuspected by those who did not
know him.
"Can I begin work soon?" Rufus questioned, after a pause.
"On Monday morning. Jackson finishes on Saturday, so you can just take
up the old threads as though there had been no break."
"You are really awfully kind," Rufus said, impulsively. "You see, I come
back with a damaged reputation."
"Not much, sonny; not much. But, of course, your religious views
predisposed people to believe the worst."
"Yes, I suppose so. It is a curious world."
"Well, it is in some respects; but in the long run people generally get
what they deserve."
"You think so?"
"I am sure of it. There is a moral order that never varies. Don't you
make any mistake, my boy. God is at the head of affairs, though you may
think the world is run without a head."
"I don't know that I have ever said that."
"Well, not in so many words, perhaps. But you've drifted a long way.
I've been awfully sorry. I'm sorry still. But you'll get back. I've
never lost faith in you. You've always been better than your philosophy.
But I'm not going to blame you."
"You need not be afraid that I shall be offended."
"No, 'tisn't that. I know what it is to doubt, myself. I fancy sometimes
it's only the people who never think who never doubt. The way into the
Kingdom is through tribulation. So long as a man is honest in his
doubts, I don't mind. It is the blatant scepticism of ignorance that one
resents. I am sure you have been anxious to find the truth."
"I am still."
"Light will come in good time, my boy. Only be patient and humble," and
Captain Tom turned away.
"One word more before you go," Rufus said, eagerly.
"Yes, sonny, a dozen if you like."
"I referred just now to my damaged reputation."
"You did. But you'll be able to live that down."
"That is not the point exactly. I was cruelly slandered in that matter.
I was never drunk in my life, never, in the smallest degree, the worse
for drink; and it would be a comfort to me if you could accept my word
of honour on that point."
"Then it was not a momentary weakness--a sudden lapse as it were?"
"It was not. I have never tasted a drop of intoxicants since my leg was
broken, and then it was given to me as a medicine by the doctor."
"But why should three men swear you were drunk?"
"One to damage my character. The other two were bribed."
"Have you proof of that?"
"No."
"Then you had better keep a still tongue."
"I have done so; but you have shown yourself so friendly that I could
not help speaking. Besides, it is hard to keep silent under so great a
wrong."
"But why should any man--especially a man in the young Squire's
position--bribe others to swear your character away?"
"Because he feared I was coming between him and the girl he wanted to
marry."
Captain Tom started and looked incredulous.
"Please don't think me egotistical," Rufus continued, with a painful
blush. "I can assure you I have never aspired so high. But----"
"You saved her life."
"I had that good fortune, and she was grateful, and she showed her
gratitude in many ways. One afternoon back in the winter I met her on
the Downs, and we had a ramble together, and unfortunately the Captain
saw us."
"And you think he was jealous?"
"I do. What led to the quarrel was, he charged me with loitering round
Trewinion so that I might waylay her, and influence her against him."
"But why did you not mention that in court?"
"What would have been the good of it? He would have denied it on oath.
Besides, I'd rather be accused of drunkenness than drag Miss Grover's
name into such a sordid squabble."
"Oh, indeed!" and the Captain's eyebrows went up perceptibly.
"You'll excuse me talking so freely, Capt'n Tom," Rufus went on, "but it
really does me good to open my heart to someone, and I know you'll
respect my confidence."
"I wish you had come to me sooner my boy, though I never thought very
seriously of the matter. I concluded it was a sudden lapse, and in all
probability would never happen again."
"But it was nothing of the sort," Rufus said, with a touch of vehemence
in his tone. "I am as innocent of the charge as you are."
"Then the men who witnessed against you are guilty of perjury?"
"Timothy Polgarrow is, without a doubt. Poor old Micah Martin may have
fancied I was not sober. Besides, he would conceive it to be his bounden
duty to accept his young master's word."
For several seconds Captain Tom remained silent, with his eyes fixed
upon the ground.
"Such villainy ought to be exposed," he said, at length, raising his
eyes suddenly.
"But how is it to be done?"
"I don't know, my boy," he answered, reflectively, "I don't know."
"You said just now that in the long run people got their deserts."
"I did, sonny, and I believe it."
"But where shall I come in? Suppose they do get their deserts, that
won't compensate me."
The Captain's grave face relaxed into a broad smile. "Perhaps young
Tregony's deserts will be in not getting the girl," he said, and he gave
a loud guffaw.
"Well?"
"That may be where you come in. My stars, but if I were in your shoes,
I'd make him jealous for something. By all accounts he hasn't got her
yet."
"I don't know; I've heard nothing."
"Neither have I, for that matter. But if he had got her, it would have
been in all the papers. You may be quite sure of that."
"Whether he has won her or failed can make no difference to me. I have
no dreams in that direction."
Captain Tom lowered his eyebrows and puckered his lips. "Sonny," he
said, "I've no wish to be inquisitive. But I've been a young man myself.
Ah me! I'd like to be young again. Nothing is impossible to youth when
there is a stout heart, a clear brain, and a clean conscience."
"Which only a few possess."
"Look here, sonny," Captain Tom said, after a pause, "you are too young
to let the weeds of pessimism overrun the garden. Look up, that's my
advice. You've had a big disappointment, I admit, and you've been
shamefully slandered; but my belief is God has some big thing in store
for you, if you will only wait patiently and trust in Him."
Rufus dropped his head, but did not reply. However despondent he might
feel, or however tired of life, it would be a fatal policy to show it.
"We'll talk this matter over again some time," Captain Tom said at
length. "Meanwhile, you keep your eyes open. My stars! but she's a girl
worth winning!"
Rufus looked up with a start.
"I mean it," Captain Tom went on, with a laugh. "Besides, you got the
first innings. If I were a sporting man, I know which horse I would
back. My stars! but it would be no end of a joke!" and with another
laugh, he walked away.