THE AWAKENING
Rufus had not seen Madeline for three whole days, and had begun to
wonder what had happened. On the fourth day, however, she came during
the forenoon.
"It was now or never," she said, by way of explanation; "the house has
been full of people during the last three days, and this afternoon some
others are coming. So I had to pretend!"
"Pretend?" he questioned.
"I'm afraid they're getting suspicious," she replied.
"Suspicious of what?"
"That I'm not so great a student, or so devoted to my books, as I seem
to be. So I had to pretend I was going to write to the Captain!"
"What Captain?"
She laughed. "Oh! there's only one Captain, as far as the Tregonys are
concerned, and that, of course, is Gervase. Do you know him?"
"I've seen him, of course; but I have never spoken to him."
"He's very handsome, isn't he?"
"I really don't know," he answered, bluntly; "it had never occurred to
me."
"I suppose men don't notice such things where men are concerned," she
said, reflectively; "but in his uniform he is just superb."
"Then you think fine feathers make fine birds?"
"Well, in some respects, yes," she answered, slowly, "though Gervase
looks handsome in ordinary evening dress."
Then silence fell for several seconds. The subject was one in which
Rufus was not greatly interested, and as yet not a suspicion of the
truth had dawned upon him. "Do you like Gervase?" she said at length,
speaking abruptly.
The question took him by surprise, and almost threw him off his guard.
As a matter of fact, he did not like him, and was on the point of saying
so, but checked himself in time. "Why do you ask that question?" he
stammered, evasively.
"Well, you see," she answered, quite frankly, "they want me to marry
him."
"To marry him?" he questioned, raising his eyebrows in astonishment.
"You won't think it strange my talking to you about the matter, will
you?" she said, with perfect simplicity. "You see, apart from the
Tregonys, I haven't a friend in all England except--except you."
"It is kind of you to look upon me as your friend," he said, with
heightened colour.
"No, no; it is the other way about," she answered; "all the kindness is
on your part."
Then there was another moment of silence. He felt stunned, bewildered,
and was almost afraid to speak lest he should betray his feelings.
"I ought to have written days and days ago," she went on, at length.
"You see, he expects to be home by the New Year at latest. Sir Charles
hopes that he will be able to eat his Christmas dinner with us.
And--and--Sir Charles, and Gervase also, would like to have the matter
settled before he comes home."
"Yes?"
"Oh, well! I hardly know why I have hesitated. I expect it is that I am
naturally obstinate. When nobody said a word about the matter, and I
thought nobody cared very much--why--why, I looked upon the matter as
good as settled," and she blushed quite frankly and smiled as she did
so.
"And have they become anxious all at once?"
"Oh! I don't know. Sir Charles tells me that it was a wish of my
father's long before he died, and that nothing would please him so much,
and all that. And really it looks as if Gervase and I were meant for
each other."
"Do you believe in fate or destiny?" he questioned, moistening his lips
with the tip of his tongue.
"No, but I believe in Providence," she answered, promptly.
"But how can you be sure what Providence means?" he asked. "If
Providence speaks how do you know you have interpreted the message
aright?"
"Yes, there is something in that," she said, reflectively. "On the other
hand, one must be careful not to fly in the face of Providence."
"Admitting your theory of a Providence," he said, slowly, "is not the
true Providence our heart and judgment? Must we not in the last resort
fall back on what we feel and believe to be right?"
"Yes, go on," she said, eagerly.
"And if one goes against his own heart--his own instincts if you
like--if one ignores his own clear judgment, would not that be flying in
the face of what you call Providence?"
"But is our own heart to be trusted?" she questioned; "and is not our
judgment often blind?"
"Should we be wiser in trusting to somebody else's heart and judgment?"
"We might be. You see, I am only a girl. I have had no experience. I
know very little of the world or its ways. On the other hand, here is
Sir Charles. He is getting old. He knows a good deal more than there is
in the copy-books. Then there was my father; he did not talk to me about
the matter, but from what I know now he talked freely to Sir Charles.
Then there is Gervase, he's over thirty, and has seen a good deal of the
world, and he's quite sure. And then there is myself, and I think
Gervase is one in a thousand. So, you see, all the streams appear to be
flowing in the same direction, and that looks a clear indication of
Providence. Now, doesn't it?"
"If you are convinced I should say nothing else matters," he answered,
with averted eyes.
"Well, there's only one thing that worries me," she said, thoughtfully;
"and that's only worried me lately."
"Yes?"
"I used to think nothing else mattered so long as one could enjoy
himself or herself. That to have a good time was the chief end of life.
Gervase is retiring from the Army, and intends to do nothing for the
rest of his days."
"Well?"
"It seems to me a much nobler thing to do something. You told me once
that I should inspire somebody to great deeds. But that would be rather
hard on Gervase after he has roughed it for so many years."
"If you inspire him, it will not be hardship," he answered.
"I am not sure that I could," she said, turning her head, and looking
out of the window. "He is very brave and fearless, and all that. But the
great things that work for human good--well, you see, he is not an
inventor like you."
"Do not mock me," he said, almost fiercely. "My poor scheme may never
see the light."
"Oh, yes it will. You are bound to succeed. You are not the kind of man
to give up in despair."
"Give up what in despair?"
"Anything on which you have set your heart. You're like Gervase in that
respect, and it is a quality I admire immensely in a man."
"But what if two strong men set their hearts on the same thing?"
"What thing?"
"Oh, anything. A woman, for instance," he said, with a forced laugh.
"Ah, then I expect the stronger and the worthier would win."
"Do women admire strength and worth so much? Do they not rather admire
position and name and title? Has the poor man a chance against the rich;
the plain man any chance against gold lace and epaulets?"
"No one can speak in the name of all women. But I must run away now or
Sir Charles may go to my room in search of me."
"Will you write your letter to-day?"
"I don't know. Very likely I shall if I can find time."
"And will you say 'Yes?' Pardon me being so inquisitive."
"Oh, I expect I shall," she said, with a smile. "It seems the proper
thing to do. Gervase and I appear to have been meant for each other."
"I hope you will be happy," he said, holding out his hand to her.
"Good-bye."
Half-an-hour later Mrs. Tuke found him staring fixedly out of the window
as though he had been turned to stone. The trees were still swaying in
the wind, but he did not see them. Through breaks in the clouds bright
gleams of sunshine shot into the room every now and then, but he did not
heed. From over the cliffs came the faint roar of the sea, but he did
not hear. The world had become suddenly dark and silent. The fairy
garden had vanished, leaving a bleak cold desert in its place; his heart
seemed to have stopped beating. For the moment all interest had gone out
of life. He almost wished that he could close his eyes in sleep and
never awake again.
"Are you getting impatient to get out of doors?" Mrs. Tuke questioned.
"It will be a relief to get out again," he answered, absently.
"Well, I'm bound to say you've been wonderfully patient, all things
considered. But then, as I often say, what can't be cured must be
endured."
"Yes; that's sound philosophy."
"And then you've been well looked after."
"Yes; you are an excellent nurse, Mrs. Tuke, and I shall always be
grateful."
"Oh, I was not thinking of myself in particular," Mrs. Tuke said, with
humility. "The doctors have attended to you as if you were Sir Charles
himself. And as for that sweet creature Miss Grover, she's just a
sunbeam."
"Yes; she's delightful company."
"You know, it's my belief," Mrs. Tuke said, mysteriously, "that the
folks at the Hall haven't the ghost of an idea that she's been coming
here to see you."
"What leads you to think that?"
"Oh, well, from little 'ints she's dropped now and then; but of course,
time will tell," and Mrs. Tuke began to make preparations for his midday
meal.
Time did tell, and tell much sooner than anyone anticipated. The next
morning's post brought a letter from Madeline which scattered the last
remnants of fairyland.
"I'm afraid I shall not be able to come and see you again," it
began. "Sir Charles has found out, and he's angrier than I've ever
seen him. He says it's most improper, and that I ought to be
ashamed of myself. Such a lecture he's read to me as I guess you
never listened to. If he hadn't been so grave and serious I should
have fired up and given him a piece of my mind. I suppose,
according to English customs, I've done something real awful.
Anyhow, my heart doesn't condemn me, and if I've lightened your
suffering with my chatter ever so little I'm real glad. As long as
I live I shall be in your debt, and I shall never forget it either.
It seems real stupid that just because I'm a girl I'm not allowed
to play the part of a decent neighbour. England is awfully behind
in some things, and your Mrs. Grundy is a terror.
"However, I've got to obey, I suppose. You see, Sir Charles is my
trustee till I'm twenty-one, and he's angrier than a snake at the
present moment, and as I'm here by his favour, why I can't quite do
what I would like. But I shall think of you every day, and pray for
you, and when you get well and your great invention has astonished
everybody, none of your friends will rejoice more or be prouder of
you than I shall. I don't know if it's a proper thing to say, but
I've said it, and it'll have to stand. One has to be constantly
looking round the corner in this old country of yours. I hope you
will be as well as ever soon, and that you won't think too hardly
of the foolish girl who caused your accident. If you would like to
keep my books for yourself, I shall be real glad. Whittier is
great, don't you think so? Good-bye till we meet again.
Yours very sincerely,
"MADELINE GROVER."
Rufus read the letter with very mingled feelings. There were touches in
it that almost brought the tears to his eyes. The assurance that she
would think of him every day and pray for him moved him strangely. He
would have told Mrs. Tuke, or the vicar, or anyone else that he had no
faith in prayer; that the whole network of religious belief was an
ingenious superstition. Yet, with curious inconsistency, the thought of
Madeline praying for him was undoubtedly comforting. The general effect
of the letter, however, was like that produced by a heavy blow. Coming
after her own simple and naive confession of the previous day it seemed
almost to paralyse him. He scarcely realised how much her visits had
been to him till now, and the knowledge that she would not come again,
that her face and smile would no more brighten that little room, was
like the sudden falling of night without the promise of rest and sleep.
As the day passed away and he was able to think over the matter a little
more calmly, he tried to persuade himself that Sir Charles's
interposition was the best thing that could have happened. That since
any vague hope he might have cherished of winning her love was now at an
end, it was desirable from every point of view that he should not meet
her or even see her.
"The awakening was bound to come," he said to himself, trying hard to be
resigned. "I knew, of course, from the beginning that she was not for
me, I would have kept myself from loving her if I could; but it was just
beyond me. She won my heart before I knew."
And yet the bitterest drop in the cup was not that she was beyond his
reach, but that Gervase Tregony, would possess the prize. He had no wish
to be censorious, and it might be quite true that Gervase would compare
favourably with most young men in his own walk of life. He had not been
brought up on puritanic lines. Moreover, as the only son of the Squire
and heir to the title and estates it was generally conceded in an
off-hand way that some latitude ought to be allowed. The rich claimed a
larger liberty or a larger licence than the poor, and however much the
poor resented it in their hearts, usually they said nothing. Protests
did no good, and to get into the black books of the Squire was not a
matter to be regarded with indifference.
If people with grown-up families looked a little anxious when it was
known that Gervase was to be in residence at the Hall, and raised the
domestic fence a few inches higher than usual--there was reason in the
past annals of St. Gaved's history.
Rufus, with his innate chivalry, and his romantic reverence for women as
a whole, recoiled with a feeling almost of loathing at the thought of
Gervase Tregony taking so sweet and pure a soul to his heart as Madeline
Grover. Was it true, he wondered, that women did not care what a man's
past had been; that they accepted without demur a social order that
condoned any and every offence so long as no public scandal was
produced? Or, was it that young women were deliberately kept in
ignorance of what was common knowledge?
He spent several more or less wakeful nights in striving against his own
heart, and in trying to cultivate a philosophic attitude which should
give the impression of a supreme unconcern. Fortunately, the broken
bone was so far knit that his doctors allowed him to hobble about on a
pair of crutches, and though he was not able yet to do any work, he
could contemplate some of the things he had done, and shape in his mind
what yet remained to be accomplished.
He got out of doors as much as possible, but he was still weak, while
his crutches were such unwieldy things that he quickly got tired. His
favourite resting-place was by the garden gate, he could see the people
as they passed up and down the street, and often have a few minutes'
chat with his neighbours. He scarcely dared to admit the truth to
himself, but there was always a lingering hope in his heart that
Madeline might come into the village for some purpose, perhaps to do a
little shopping, and that his heart might be cheered by a sight of her
face.
Mrs. Tuke's cottage stood at a point where the "town" ended and the
country began. Toward the Quay the houses were generally close together,
and abutted on to the side walk, but in the other direction, there were
more trees and fences than houses, and nearly all the cottages had
gardens in front of them. Hence, when Rufus stood or sat at the garden
gate, he looked down "the street" in one direction, and up "the lane" in
the other.
The lane led away in the direction of Trewinion Hall, and if Madeline
came into the town she would more likely than not pass Mrs. Tuke's
cottage. In any case, she would come very near to it.
Rufus looked up the lane fifty times a day, and sometimes his heart
would flutter for a moment as some girlish figure came into sight. But
Madeline never came.
Then, one evening, while chatting with Dr. Chester, the doctor mentioned
incidentally that the Squire had left the Hall and had taken up his
residence in London till the middle of December.
Rufus heaved a little sigh, but he did not pursue the topic. It seemed
to him like the last nail in the coffin wherein lay hidden all the wild
dreams and unexpressed longings and hopes of his heart. Madeline was to
be strictly guarded until the return of Gervase from India, and then,
perhaps, before she had fully realised what she was doing, or before she
had an opportunity of getting a true estimate of his character, she
would be tied to him for life.
"It is no business of mine," he said to himself; "she is entirely out of
my sphere, and even if she were not, it would be foolish of me, under
present circumstances, to think of any woman."
But his heart protested all the same. For Madeline to marry Gervase
Tregony seemed to him an offence against all that was sacred in human
life.