About an hour later, Rama had us watch The Adventures of Buckaroo
Bonzai on the VCR. I sat several feet back from the group.
After the movie Rama announced, "Someone is way off. Can anyone see
who it is?"
The disciples glanced at me.
"Of course, you all know that it's Agni. Now what's the matter, baby?"
I told him that things in my life were not working out.
I told him that I needed to try something new.
"If you wish to leave, please don't bring everyone else down."
"Sorry, Rama."
When I got home, I wrote, "good. i feel much better already.
keep breathing. slow. keep remembering Mark Eliot, is the breather.
Before he met any of these people he was the breather; so too after.
Before he dreamed himself into a don Juan/CC [Carlos Castaneda]
world extravagansa...Fred--he's cool. But he was formatted improperly
by a bad occultist. Simple. He also wanted to be a Guru, told me
so in a UCSD parking lot. But cool guy. Powerful attention level.
Controls every situation impeccably. cares about others what seems
to be an enormous amount. Yet detached. cold. warm. whatever he
was projecting. A master illusionist. Created/s dreams & realities
with the flick of a wrist. This has not been healthy for me.
7 years occult training school has wiped me. Nothing wrong with it--
taught by an impeccable 8th degree Black belt; only, I don't handle
it too well. So, I recognize i tried something, and it didn't work.
I have the humility to realize that it isn't working for me.
And for God sakes, try new things in your life, as FDR says.
But Fred is definitely bent out of shape. 'Let your hate grow,'
devil ref's, paranoia... Not to blame him. Had weak 1st attention
as a kid. Dad...Teacher bent. Important: i believe that
the good side of Fred respects what I am doing & wishes me well.
i have no desire to speak or see anyone with whom I didn't know 7 1/2
years ago...Still coming down, here, from 3 hits of 6-7?th Acid trip.
Good thing. boy does that stuff make me sick! good for changing though.
thrown away much unk stuff!...The journey, Eliot Mark Laxer,
has just begun! Don't turn back! Go! & keep moving.
I have graduated (7 yrs) an EKATEST [Electric Koolaid Acid Test]!
Congrad!"
That night I wrote to Robert, the disciple who had gotten shot,
"...the past 4-5 years have been a bad trip, a bad format.
i was getting sicker, weaker. it is necessary for my well being that i
live off my own power. i have no need to convince you of this.
this my body knows. my body has been telling me for years
to leave Rama. Finally, he stopped convincing me to stay.
Then i couldn't make it on my own. So i left & came back.
Now i'm stronger; off my own steam...unlike past times when i left Rama's
Attention field, i'm not going to waste thoughts & power on the past.
The past, people's thoughts about me, my thoughts about me--
are all like Nately's Whore, in Catch-22; only she misses,
and i jump..."
About a week later, Dana called me with a "Warrior's task."
Rama, she explained, wanted me to get former disciple Tom to call him.
I told her that I was not looking for a Warrior's task--
or any task for that matter. "You know I have left the Centre,"
I said.
"Don't you think you might be following your gut feelings?"
she asked.
"You bet!"
I also followed my gut feelings during the group acid trip earlier
that month when Rama asked the disciples to remain inside.
I had walked outside and watched the small birds fly. "The bottom line
is that he's wrong about me," I thought, my self-confidence germinating
the way pine seeds flourish when their cones are scorched by fire.
"I'm not possessed by demons, mentally ill, or bent on destruction.
I'm okay."