(_By "Hansom Jack."_)
No. VI.--FARES AND FINDS.
_The Mistery of a Hansom Cab?_ Oh yes, _I_'ve read it; or leastways
dipped into it.
Rayther perlice-newsy sort of a story; strong flaviour of murder and
unsweetened gin to it.
"Less cab than _license_," young MULBERRY sniggers. Young MULBERRY
fancies 'imself as a joker.
Still, we do 'ave some rum finds in our cabs, from a set o' false teeth
to a red-ended poker.
Give me a shiver the latter thing did, I 'ad just dropped one fare and
'ad took up a foller.
First was a gloomyish kind of a cove with a oystery heye and cheeks
saller and oller;
Second as smart a young minx as you'd meet. I 'ad 'ardly whipped up when
I 'eard such a squeaking,
And sharp through the trap shoved a scarlet-hued _summat_. It give me a
turn, in a manner o' speaking.
Parties are wonderful partial to prodding with brolly or walking-stick,
ah yes, _and_ rifles.
Fares when they want you to pull up 'ave got little thought for your
eyes and they don't stick at trifles.
But this was a rayther unusual prodder! "'Old 'ard, Miss," I says.
"Wot's this 'ere little caper?"
"Oh, Cabby!" she squeals, "put me down! It's a 'orror--I found in the
corner 'ere--wropped in brown paper!"
Out she would git; when, a puffin' and wheezin', up came the old buffer
who'd left it behind 'im.
"That's _mine!_" 'e gulps, and 'e grabs it like winking. "Ah, my poor
JOEY! I wish I could find _'im_
One 'arf as easy. The cleverest clown, Miss, in England; and this was
'is favrit hot poker.
All 'e 'as left to remember 'im by!"--an' 'e 'ugged it. I pitied the
saller old joker.
But Miss, she turned rusty, and cut up 'er didos. "You ought to know
better," she sniffed. "It's just ojus
To leave 'orrid objecks like that in a cab; though I own it's well
fitted, and 'ighly commojus;
But lor', _'ow_ it scared me!" "Well, lydy," I says, being roughed up a
bit by 'er stuckuppy manner,
"It wouldn't 'a' bit you, or burnt you, if you 'adn't _opened_ it, I'll
bet a quid to a tanner."
Whereon she flounced off without paying no fare. "Humph!" snorts the old
gent, and forks over a shilling.
Talk about 'onesty! Give the respectables charnce of a _safe_ bite, and
ain't they just willing?
'Onesty's scarcer than millions, I reckon. You just leave a purse or a
pencil-case 'andy
For fares to lay 'old on, and see if there's much of a choice 'twixt
poor Cabby and polished-up dandy.
But t'other evening, a 'igh-nosed old dowager tipped me bare fare, and
away she was sailing
When I twigged a smart seal-skin bag in 'er 'and as I _knew_ my last
fare--who seemed toddly and ailing--
Had carried before, and it chinked as she shook. "Excuse _me_," I says,
"but that bag, mum--I'll trouble you!"
Lord, if you'd seen 'er flush up and go fluttery! 'Taint only snobs
as'll dodge you and double you.
Nobs very often are spry on the nick. Klepto-something or other they
call it in _their_ case.
Old BILLY BOGER 'as told me that once 'e was landing a 'eavyish trunk up
a staircase,
And 'eard the young lady fare whisper 'er Ma, "Oh, _see_ wot I've found
in the cab!"--"_'Ush_, my darling!"
The old dutch garsps out. And old BILL did'nt get it--the
bracelet--without lots o' sniffing and snarling.
Yah! They are dreadfully down on poor Cabbies who don't toe the mark in
the matter o' pickings,
But what with the Burlington bilks, and the toffs as you can't trust too
fur when there's prospeck of nickings,
And all the mean fakes that a cabby is fly to, in fares who're well-off
and did ought to know better,
The rank doesn't think much of hupper-class 'onesty, give you _my_ word.
Now I'm off for a wetter!
* * * * *
GOOD REASON FOR NOT QUARRELLING LAST WEEK.--"It was too
hot for 'words'!"
Transcriber Notes:
Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_.
Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS.
Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe".
Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of the
speakers. Those words were retained as-is.
The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up
paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate.
Errors in punctuation and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected
unless otherwise noted.
On page 160, "calving heifers £12 12_s_ 6_d._" was replaced with
"calving heifers £12 12_s._ 6_d._".
On page 160, "heviots, 38_s._ 9_d._ to 41_s._ 9d." was replaced with
"heviots, 38_s._ 9_d._ to 41_s._ 9_d._".
On page 161, "cacoèthes" was replaced with "cacoethes".
On page 161, "Ulyssess" was replaced with "Ulysses".
On page 161, "oderous" was replaced with "odorous".
On page 162, the quotation mark after "a whisky-and-soda, says BILL,
brutally." was moved to after "a whisky-and-soda,".