THE FOLLOWING MORNING.--APPEARANCE OF JACK RANDOLPH.--A NEW
COMPLICATION.--THE THREE ORANGES.--DESPERATE EFFORTS Of THE JUGGLER.
--HOW TO MAKE FULL, AMPLE, COMPLETE, AND MOST SATISFACTORY
EXPLANATIONS.--MISS PHILLIPS!--THE WIDOW!!--NUMBER THREE!!!--LOUIE
RAPIDLY RISING INTO GREATER PROMINENCE ON THE MENTAL AND SENTIMENTAL
HORIZON OF JACK RANDOLPH.
"Well, old chap," cried Jack, as he burst into my room on the following
morning, "what the mischief were you doing with yourself all last
night? Come, out with it. No humbug. I was here at twelve, lighted up,
and smoked till--yes--I'll be hanged if it wasn't half-past two. And
you didn't come. What do you mean, my good fellow, by that sort of
thing?"
"Oh," said I, meekly, "I was passing the evening with a friend."
"The evening! The night you mean."
"Well, it was rather late," said I. "The fact is, we got talking, and I
was telling him about my adventure on the ice. We had been at the
concert first, and then I went with him to his quarters. By-the-way,
why weren't you there?"
In this dexterous way I parried Jack's question, for I did not feel
inclined just yet to return his confidence. I am by nature, as the
reader must by this time have seen, uncommonly reticent and reserved,
and I wasn't going to pour out my story and my feelings to Jack, who
would probably go and tell it everywhere before the close of the day.
"The concert!" cried Jack, contemptuously--"the concert! My dear boy,
are you mad? What's a concert to me or I to a concert? A concert? My
dear fellow, what kind of an idea have you formed of me, if you think
that I am capable of taking part in any festive scene when my soul is
crushed under such an accumulated burden of fuss and bother?"
"What, are you bothered still? Haven't you begun to see your way
through the woods?"
"See my way?" cried Jack. "Why, it's getting worse and worse--"
"Worse? I thought you had reached the worst when you were repulsed by
Louie. What worse thing can happen than that? Weren't all your thoughts
on death intent? Didn't you repeat your order for a gravestone?"
"True, old boy; very correct; but then I was just beginning to rally,
you know, and all that, when down comes a new bother, and, if I weren't
so uncommonly fruitful in resource, this day would have seen an end of
Jack Randolph. I see you're rather inclined to chaff me about the
gravestone, but I tell you what it is, Macrorie, if this sort of thing
continues you'll be in for it. I've pulled through this day, but
whether I can pull through to-morrow or not is a very hard thing to
say."
At this Jack struck a match, and solemnly lighted his pipe, which all
this time he had been filling.
"'Pon my word, old chap," said I, "you seem bothered again, and
cornered, and all that. What's up? Any thing new? Out with it, and pour
it info this sympathetic ear."
Jack gave about a dozen solemn puffs. Then he removed his pipe with his
left hand. Then with his right hand he stroked his brow. Then he said,
slowly and impressively:
"_She's here!_"
"She!" I repeated. "What she? Which? When? How?"
"Miss Phillips!" said Jack.
"Miss Phillips!" I cried. "Miss Phillips! Why, haven't you been
expecting her? Didn't she write, and tell you that she was coming, and
all that?"
"Yes; but then you know I had half an idea that something or other
would turn up to prevent her actual arrival. There's many a slip, you
know, 'tween cup and lip. How did I know that she was really coming? It
didn't seem at all probable that any thing so abominably embarrassing
should be added to all my other embarrassments."
"Probable? Why, my dear fellow, it seems to me the most probable thing
in the world. It's always so. Misfortunes never come single. Don't you
know that they always come in clusters? But come, tell me all about it.
In the first place, you've seen her, of course?"
"Oh, of course. I heard of her arrival yesterday morn, and went off at
once to call on her. Her reception of me was not very flattering. She
was, in fact, most confoundedly cool. But you know my way. I felt
awfully cut up, and insisted on knowing the reason of all this. Then it
all came out."
Jack paused.
"Well, what was it?"
"Why, confound it, it seems that she had been here two days, and had
been expecting me to come every moment. Now, I ask you, Macrorie, as a
friend, wasn't that rather hard on a fellow when he's trying to do the
very best he can, and is over head and ears in all kinds of
difficulties? You know," he continued, more earnestly, "the awful
bothers I've had the last few days. Why, man alive, I had only just got
her letter, and hadn't recovered from the shock of that. And now, while
I was still in a state of bewilderment at such unexpected news, here
she comes herself! And then she begins to pitch into me for not calling
on her before."
"It was rather hard, I must confess," said I, with my never-failing
sympathy; "and how did it all end?"
Jack heaved a heavy--a very heavy--sigh.
"Well," said he, "it ended all right--for the time. I declared that I
had not expected her until the following week; and, when she referred
to certain passages in her letter, I told her that I had misunderstood
her altogether, which was the solemn fact, for I swear, Macrorie, I
really didn't think, even if she did come, that she'd be here two or
three days after her letter came. Two or three days--why, hang it all,
she must have arrived here the very day I got her letter. The letter
must have come through by land, and she came by the way of Portland.
Confound those abominable mails, I say! What business have those
wretched postmasters to send their letters through the woods and snow?
Well, never mind. I made it up all right."
"All right?"
"Oh, yes. I explained it all, you know. I cleared up every thing in the
completest way. In fact, I made a full, ample, intelligible, and
perfectly satisfactory explanation of the whole thing. I showed that it
was all a mistake, you know--that I was humbugged by the mails, and all
that sort of thing, you know. So she relented, and we made it all up,
and I took her out driving, and we had a glorious time, though the
roads were awful--perfect lakes, slush no end, universal thaw, and all
that. But we did the drive, and I promised to go there again to-day."
"And did you call on the widow?"
"Oh, yes; but before I went there I had to write a letter to Number
Three."
"Number Three! You must have had your hands full?"
"Hands full? I should think I had, my boy. You know what agony writing
a letter is to me. It took me two hours to get through it. You see I
had written her before, reproaching her for not running off with me,
and she had answered me. I got her answer yesterday morning. She wrote
back a repetition of her reason for not going, and pleaded her father,
who she said would go mad if she did such a thing. Between you and me,
Macrorie, that's all bosh. The man's as mad as a March hare now. But
this wasn't all. What do you think? She actually undertook to haul me
over the coals about the widow."
"What! has she heard about it?"
"Oh, yes. Didn't I tell you before that she kept the run of me pretty
closely? Well, she's evidently heard all about me and the widow, and
accordingly, after a brief explanation about her father, she proceeded
to walk into me about the widow. Now that was another shock. You see,
the fact is, I pitched into her first for this very reason, and
thought, if I began the attack, she'd have to take up a strictly
defensive attitude. But she was too many guns for me. No go, my boy.
Not with Number Three. She dodged my blow, and then sprang at me
herself, and I found myself thrown on my defence. So you see I had to
write to her at once."
Jack sighed heavily, and quaffed some Bass.
"But how the mischief could you handle such a subject? Two hours! I
should think so. For my part, I don't see how you managed it at all."
"Oh, I got through," said Jack. "I explained it all, you know. I
cleared up every thing in the completest way. In fact, I made a full,
perfect, intelligible, ample, and satisfactory explanation--"
"Oh, that's all downright bosh now, old boy," I interrupted. "How could
you explain it? It can't be explained."
"But I did though," said Jack. "I don't remember how. I only know the
letter struck me as just the thing, and I dropped it into the
post-office when on my way to the widow's."
"The widow's?"
"Yes, as soon as I finished the letter, I hurried off to the widow's."
"By Jove!" I cried, aghast "So that's the style of thing, is it? Look
here, old man, will you allow me to ask you, in the mildest manner in
the world, how long you consider yourself able to keep up this sort of
thing?"
"Allow you? Certainly not. No questions, old chap. I don't question
myself, and I'll be hanged if I'll let anybody else. I'm among the
breakers. I'm whirling down-stream. I have a strong sense of the
aptness of Louie's idea about the juggler and the oranges. But the
worst of it is, I'm beginning to lose confidence in myself."
And Jack leaned his head back, and sent out a long beam of smoke that
flew straight up and hit the ceiling. After which he stared at me in
unutterable solemnity.
"Well," said I, "go on. What about the widow?"
"The widow--oh--when I got there I found another row."
"Another?"
"Yes, another--the worst of all. But by this time I had grown used to
it, and I was as serene as a mountain-lake."
"But--the row--what was it about?"
"Oh, she had heard about my engagement to Miss Phillips, and her
arrival; so she at once began to talk to me like a father. The way she
questioned me--why the Grand Inquisitor is nothing to it. But she
didn't make any thing by it. You see I took up the Fabian tactics and
avoided a direct engagement."
"How's that?"
"Why, I wouldn't answer her."
"How could you avoid it?"
"Pooh I--easy enough--I sat and chaffed her, and laughed at her, and
called her jealous, and twitted her, no end. Well, you know, at last
she got laughing herself, and we made it all up, and all that sort of
thing, you know; still, she's very pertinacious, and even after we made
up she teased and teased, till she got an explanation out of me."
"An explanation! What, another?"
"Oh, yes--easy enough--I explained it all, you know, I cleared up every
thing perfectly. I made an ample, intelligible, full, frank, and
thoroughly satisfactory explanation of the whole thing, and--"
"What, again? Hang it, Jack, don't repeat yourself. This is the third
time that you've repeated those words _verbatim_."
"Is it? Did I? Odd, too. Fact is, I believe I made up that sentence for
my letter to Number Three, and I suppose I've got it by heart. At any
rate, it's all right You see I had three explanations to make, and they
all had to be full, frank, ample, satisfactory, and all the rest of
those words, you know. But it's awfully hard work. It's wearing on the
constitution. It destroys the nervous system. I tell you what it is,
old chap--I'm serious--if this sort of thing is to go on, hang it, I'll
die of exhaustion."
"So that was the end of your troubles for that day?"
"Well--yes--but not the end of my day. I got away from the widow by
eight o'clock, and then trotted over to Louie."
"Louie?"
"Yes, Louie. Why, man--why not?"
"What, after the late mitten?"
"Mitten? of course. What do you suppose I care for that? Isn't Louie
the best friend I have? Isn't she my only comfort? Doesn't she give
magnificent advice to a fellow, and all that? Louie? Why, man alive,
it's the only thing I have to look forward to! Of course. Well, you
see, Louie was luckily disengaged. The other girls were at whist with
their father and the aunt. So I had Louie to myself."
"I hope you didn't do the sentimental again."
"Sentimental? Good Lord! hadn't I been overwhelmed and choked with
sentiment all day long? Sentiment? Of all the bosh--but, never mind.
Louie at least didn't bother me in that way. Yes, it's a fact,
Macrorie, she's got an awful knack of giving comfort to a fellow."
"Comfort?"
"Well, I can't exactly explain it."
"I suppose she was very sad, and sympathetic, and all that. At any
rate, she didn't know the real trouble that you'd been having?"
"Didn't she, though?"
"No, of course not; how could she?"
"Why, she began questioning me, you know."
"Questioning you?"
"Yes--about--the three oranges, you know."
"Well, and how did you manage to fight her off?"
"Fight her off?"
"Yes."
"Why, I couldn't."
"Couldn't?"
"No."
"Nonsense! A fellow that could baffle the widow, wouldn't have any
trouble in baffling Louie."
"Oh, that's all very well; but you don't know the peculiar way she goes
to work. She's such an awful tease. And she keeps at it too, like a
good fellow."
"Still you were safe from her by reason of the very fact that your
daily adventures were things that you _could_ not tell her."
"Couldn't I, though?"
"Of course not."
"I don't see why not."
"Impossible."
"But I _did_."
"You did?"
"I did."
"To Louie?"
"Yes, to Louie."
Again my thoughts and feelings found expression in a whistle.
"You see," resumed Jack, "she badgered and questioned, and teased and
teased, till at last she got it all out of me. And the way she took it!
Laughing all the time, the provoking little witch, her eyes dancing
with fun, and her soul in a perfect ecstasy over my sorrows. I was
quiet at first, but at length got huffy. You see if she cared for a
fellow she ought to pity him instead of laughing at him."
"But she doesn't pretend to care for you--and lucky for her too."
"That's true," said Jack, dolefully.
"But what did she say about it?"
"Say? Oh, she teased and teased, and then when she had pumped me dry
she burst out into one of her fits-and then I got huffy-and she at once
pretended to be very demure, the little sinner, though I saw her eyes
twinkling with fun all the time. And at last she burst out:
"'Oh, Captain Randolph! You're so awfully absurd. I can't help it, I
must laugh. Now ain't you awfully funny? Confess. Please confess,
Captain Randolph. Ple-e-e-ease do, like a good Captain Randolph.
Ple-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ease!'
"So my grim features relaxed, and I looked benignly at her, whereupon
she burst out laughing again in my face.
"'Well, I can't help it, I'm sure,' she said. 'You do look so droll.
You try to make me laugh, and I laugh, and can't help it, and then you
blame me for doing the very thing you make me do, and I think it's a
shame--there, now."
"Whereupon she began to pout, and look hurt, and so, you know, I had to
go to work and explain to her."
"What! not another explanation, I hope. A 'full, frank, free, fresh,
ample,' and all that sort of thing, I suppose."
"Oh, bother, chaff! I'm in earnest. I merely explained that I didn't
take any offence from her laughter, but that I thought that if she
cared for a fellow she wouldn't laugh at him.
"'But, I never said I cared for you,' said she.
"'Oh, well--you know what I mean--you're my friend, you know, and my
only comfort,' said I.
"At this she went off again.
"'Well, then,' said I, 'what are you?'
"She sat and thought.
"'Well,' said she, 'I won't be your friend, for that's too cold; I
won't be your sister, for that's too familiar. Let me see--what ought I
to be? I can't be your guardian, for I'm too volatile--what, then, can
I be? Oh, I see! I'll tell you, Captain Randolph, what I'll be. I'll
pretend that I'm your aunt. There, sir.'
"'Well, then,' said I, 'my own dear aunt.'
"'No. That won't do--you are always absurd when you grow affectionate
or sentimental. You may call me aunt--but no sentiment.'
"'Well, Aunt Louie.'
"She demurred a little, but finally, I gained my point. After this she
gave me some good advice, and I left and came straight to you, to find
your room empty."
"Advice? You said she gave you advice? What was it?"
"Well, the advised me to get immediate leave of absence, and go home
for a time. I could then have a breathing-space to decide on my
future."
"Capital! Why, what a perfect little trump Louie is! Jack, my boy,
that's the very thing you'll have to do."
Jack shook his head.
"Why not?"
He shook his head again.
"Well, what did you say to Louie?"
"Why, I told her that it was impossible. She insisted that it was the
very thing I ought to do, and wanted to know why I wouldn't. I refused
to tell, whereupon she began to coax and tease, and tease and coax, and
so the end of it was, I told her."
"What was it?"
"Why, I told her I couldn't think of going away where I couldn't see
her; that I would hare blown my brains out by this time if it weren't
for her; and that I'd blow my brains out when I went home, if it
weren't for the hope of fleeing her to-morrow."
"The devil you did!" said I, dryly. "What! after being mittened?"
"Yes," said Jack. "It was on my mind to say it, and I said it."
"And how did Louie take it?"
"Not well. She looked coolly at me, and said:
"'Captain Randolph, I happened to be speaking sensibly. You seemed to
be in earnest when you asked for my opinion, and I gave it.'
"'And I was in earnest,' I said.
"'How very absurd!' said she. 'The fable of the shepherd-boy who cried
wolf, is nothing to you. It seems to be a fixed habit of yours to go
about to all the young ladies of your acquaintance threatening to blow
your brains out. Now, in getting up a sentiment for my benefit, you
ought at least to have been original, and not give to me the same
second-hand one which you had already sent to Number Three.'
"She looked so cold, that I felt frightened.
"'You're--you're--not offended?' said I. 'I'm sure--'
"'Oh, no,' said she, interrupting me; 'I'm not offended. I'm only
disappointed in you. Don't apologize, for you'll only make it worse.'
"'Well,' said I, 'I'm very much obliged to you for your advice--but
circumstances over which I have no control prevent me from taking it.
There--is that satisfactory?'
"'Quite, 'said Louie, and her old smile returned.
"'Do you wish me to tell you what the circumstances are?'
"'Oh, no--oh, don't--' she cried, with an absurd affectation of
consternation. 'Oh, Captain Randolph--please. Ple-e-e-aase, Captain
Randolph--don't.'
"So I didn't."
"Well, Jack," said I, "how in the world did you manage to carry on such
conversations when the rest of the family were there? Wouldn't they
overhear you?"
"Oh, no. You see they were in one room at their whist, and we were in
the other. Besides, we didn't speak loud enough for them to hear--
except occasionally."
"So Louie didn't take offence."
"Oh, no, we made it up again at once. She gave me a beaming smile as I
left. I'll see her again this evening."
"And the others through the day?"
"Oh, yes," said Jack, with a sigh.
"Miss Phillips?"
"Of course--and then I get a note from Number Three, requiring an
immediate answer--and then off I go to the widow, who will have a new
grievance; and then, after being used up by all these, I fly to Louie
for comfort and consolation."
I shook my head.
"You're in for it, old chap," I said, solemnly, "and all that I can say
is this: Take Louie's advice, and flit."
"Not just yet, at any rate," said Jack, rising; and with these words he
took his departure.