"MACRORIE, MY BOY, HAVE YOU BEEN TO ANDERSON'S YET?"--"NO."--"WELL,
THEN, I WANT YOU ATTEND TO THAT BUSINESS OF THE STONE TO-MORROW. DON'T
FORGET THE SIZE--FOUR FEET BY EIGHTEEN INCHES; AND NOTHING BUT THE NAME
AND DATE. THE TIME'S COME AT LAST. THERE'S NO PLACE FOR ME BUT THE COLD
GRAVE, WHERE THE PENSIVE PASSER-BY MAY DROP A TEAR OVER THE MOURNFUL
FATE OF JACK RANDOLPH. AMEN. R. I. P."
Such was the remarkable manner in which Jack Randolph accosted me, as
he entered my room on the following day at about midnight. His face was
more rueful than ever, and, what was more striking, his clothes and
hair seemed neglected. This convinced me more than any thing that he
had received some new blow, and that it had struck home.
"You seem hard hit, old man," said I. "Where is it? Who is it?"
Jack groaned.
"Has Miss Phillips come?"
"No."
"Is it the widow?"
"No."
"Number Three?"
Jack shook his head.
"Not duns?"
"No."
"Then I give up."
"It's Louie," said Jack, with an expression of face that was as near an
approximation to what is called sheepishness as any thing I ever saw.
"Louie?" I repeated.
"Yes--"
"What of her? What has she been doing? How is it possible? Good
Heavens! you haven't--" I stopped at the fearful suspicion that came to
me.
"Yes, I have!" said Jack, sulkily. "I know what you mean. I've proposed
to her."
I started up from the sofa on which I was lounging--my pipe dropped to
the ground--a tumbler followed. I struck my clinched fist on the table.
"Randolph!" said I, "this is too much. Confound it, man! Are you mad,
or are you a villain? What the devil do you mean by trifling with the
affections of that little girl? By Heavens! Jack Randolph, if you carry
on this game with her, there's not a man in the regiment that won't
join to crush you."
"Pitch in," said Jack quietly, looking at me at the same time with
something like approval. "That's the right sort of thing. That's just
what I've been saying to myself. I've been swearing like a trooper at
myself all the way here. If there's any one on earth that every fellow
ought to stand up for, it's little Louie. And now you see the reason
why I want you to attend to that little affair of the gravestone."
At Jack's quiet tone, my excitement subsided. I picked up my pipe
again, and thought it over.
"The fact is, Jack," said I, after about ten minutes of profound
smoking, "I think you'll have to carry out that little plan of yours.
Sell out as soon as you can, and take Louie with you to a farm in
Minnesota."
"Easier said than done," said Jack, sententiously.
"Done? why, man, it's easy enough. You can drop the other three, and
retire from the scene. That'll save Louie from coming to grief."
"Yes; but it won't make her come to Minnesota."
"Why not? She's just the girl to go anywhere with a fellow."
"But not with Jack Randolph."
"What humbug are you up to now? I don't understand you."
"So I see," said Jack, dryly. "You take it for granted that because I
proposed, Louie accepted. Whereas, that didn't happen to be the case. I
proposed, but Louie disposed of me pretty effectually."
"Mittened?" cried I.
"Mittened!" said Jack, solemnly. "Hence the gravestone."
"But how, in the name of wonder, did that happen?"
"Easily enough. Louie happens to have brains. That's the shortest way
to account for her refusal of my very valuable devotions. But I'll tell
you all about it, and, after that, we'll decide about the headstone.
"You see, I went up there this evening, and the other girls were off
somewhere, and so Louie and I were alone. The aunt was in the room, but
she soon dozed off. Well, we had great larks, no end of fun--she
chaffing and twitting me about no end of things, and especially the
widow; so, do you know, I told her I had a great mind to tell her how
it happened; and excited her curiosity by saying it all originated in a
mistake. This, of course, made her wild to know all about it, and so I
at last told her the whole thing--the mistake, you know, about the
hand, and all that--and my horror. Well, hang me, if I didn't think
she'd go into fits. I never saw her laugh so much before. As soon as
she could speak, she began to remind me of the approaching advent of
Miss Phillips, and asked me what I was going to do. She didn't appear
to be at all struck by the fact that lay at the bottom of my
disclosures; that it was her own hand that had caused the mischief, but
went on at a wild rate about my approaching 'sentimental seesaw,' as
she called it, when my whole time would have to be divided between my
two _fiancées_. She remarked that the old proverb called man a pendulum
between a smile and a tear, but that I was the first true case of a
human pendulum which she had ever seen.
"Now the little scamp was so perfectly fascinating while she was
teasing me, that I felt myself overcome with a desperate fondness for
her; so, seeing that the old aunt was sound asleep, I blurted out all
my feelings. I swore that she was the only--"
"Oh, omit all that. I know--but what bosh to say to a sensible girl!"
"Well, you know, Louie held her handkerchief to her face, while I was
speaking, and I--ass, dolt, and idiot that I was--felt convinced that
she was crying. Her frame shook with convulsive shivers, that I took
for repressed sobs. I saw the little hand that held the little white
handkerchief to her face--the same slender little hand that was the
cause of my scrape with Mrs. Finnimore--and, still continuing the
confession of my love, I thought I would soothe her grief. I couldn't
help it. I was fairly carried away. I reached forward my hand, and
tried to take hers, all the time saying no end of spooney things.
"But the moment I touched her baud, she rolled her chair back, and
snatched it away--
"And then she threw back her head--
"And then there came such a peal of musical laughter, that I swear it's
ringing in my ears yet.
"What made it worse was, not merely what she considered the fun of my
proposal, but the additional thought that suddenly flashed upon her,
that I had just now so absurdly mistaken her emotion. For, confound it
all! as I reached out my hand, I said a lot of rubbish, and, among
other things, implored her to let me wipe her tears. This was
altogether too much. Wipe her tears! And, Heavens and earth, she was
shaking to pieces all the time with nothing but laughter. Wipe her
tears! Oh, Macrorie! Did you _ever_ hear of such an ass?
"Well, you know she couldn't get over it for ever so long, but laughed
no end, while I sat utterly amazed at the extent to which I had made an
ass of myself. However, she got over it at last.
"'Well,' said I, 'I hope you feel better.'
"'Thanks, yea; but don't get into a temper. Will you promise to answer
me one question?'
"'Certainly; most happy. If you think it worth while to do any thing
else but laugh at me, I ought to feel flattered.'
"'Now, that's what I call temper, and you must be above such a thing.
After all, I'm only a simple little girl, and you--that is, _it_ was so
awfully absurd.'
"And here she seemed about to burst forth afresh. But she didn't.
"'What I was going to ask,' she began, in a very grave way, 'what I was
going to ask is this, If it is a fair question, how many of these
little entanglements do you happen to have just now?'
"'Oh, Louie!' I began, in mournful and reproachful tones.
"'Oh don't, don't,' she cried, covering her face, 'don't begin; I can't
stand it. If you only knew how absurd you look when you are
sentimental. You are always so funny, you know; and, when you try to be
solemn, it looks so awfully ridiculous! Now, don't--I really cannot
stand it. Please-ple-e-e-e-e-ease don't, like a good Captain Randolph.'
"At this she clasped her hands and looked at me with such a grotesque
expression of mock entreaty, that I knocked under, and burst out
laughing.
"She at once settled herself comfortably in her easy-chair.
"'Now that's what I call,' said she, placidly, 'a nice, good, sensible,
old-fashioned Captain Randolph, that everybody loves, and in whose
affairs all his innumerable friends take a deep interest. And now let
me ask my question again: How many?'
"'How many what?' said I.
"'Oh, you know very well.'
"'How can I know, when you won't say what you mean?'
"'How many entanglements?'
"'Entanglements?'
"'Yes. Engagements, if you wish me to be so very explicit.'
"'What nonsense! Why you know all about it, and the cause--'
"'Ah, now, that is not frank; it isn't friendly or honest,' said the
little witch. 'Come, now. Are there as many as--as--fifty?'
"'Nonsense!'
"'Twenty, then?'
"'How absurd!'
"'Ten?'
"'Of course not.'
"'Five?'
"'No.'
"'Four?'
"'Why, haven't I told you all?'
"'Four,' she persisted.
"'No--'
"'Three, then--'
"'It isn't fair,' said I,' to press a fellow this way.'
"'Three?' she repeated.
"I was silent. I'm not very quick, and was trying, in a dazed way, to
turn it off.
"'Three!' she cried. 'Three! I knew it. Oh, tell me all about it. Oh,
do tell me! Oh, do--please tell me all. Oh, do, ple-e-e-ease tell me.'
"And then she began, and she teased and she coaxed, and coaxed and
teased, until at last--"
Jack hesitated.
"Well," said I.
"Well," said he.
"You didn't really tell her," said I.
"Yes, but I did," said he.
"You didn't--you couldn't."
"I'll be hanged if I didn't!"
"Not about Number Three?"
"Yes, Number Three," said Jack, looking at me with a fixed and slightly
stony stare.
Words were useless, and I sought expression for my feelings in the more
emphatic whistle, which now was largely protracted.
"And how did she take it?" I asked, at length, as soon as I found voice
to speak.
"As usual. Teased me, no end. Alluded to my recent proposal. Asked me
if I had intended her to be Number Four, and declared her belief that I
had thirty rather than three. Finally, the aunt waked up, and wanted to
know what we were laughing at. Whereupon Louie said that she was
laughing at a ridiculous story of mine, about an Indian juggler who
could jeep three oranges in the air at the same time.
"'Captain Randolph,' said she 'you know all about Frederick the Great,
of course?'
"'Of course," I said, 'and Alexander the Great also, and Julius Caesar,
and Nebuchadnezzar, as the poet says.'
'"Perhaps you remember,' said Louie, in a grave tone, for her aunt was
wide awake now, 'that the peculiar excellence of the genius of that
great monarch consisted in his successful efforts to encounter the
coalition raised against him. Though subject to the attacks of the
three united powers of France, Austria, and Russia, he was still able
to repel them, and finally rescued himself from destruction. Three
assailants could not overpower him, and surely others may take courage
from his example.'
"And after that little speech I came away, and here I am."
For some time we sat in silence. Jack did not seem to expect any
remarks from me, but appeared to be rapt in his own thoughts. For my
part, I had nothing whatever to say, and soon became equally rapt in my
meditations.
And what were they about?
What? Why, the usual subject which had filled my mind for the past few
days--my adventure on the river, and my mysterious companion.
Mysterious though she was, she was evidently a lady, and, though I
could not be sure about her face, I yet could feel sure that she was
beautiful. So very romantic an adventure had an unusual charm, and this
charm was heightened to a wonderful degree by the mystery of her sudden
and utter disappearance.
And now, since Jack had been so very confidential with me, I determined
to return that confidence, and impart my secret to him. Perhaps he
could help me. At any rate, he was the only person to whom I could
think of telling it. So you see--