_Heloise to Abelard_
_To Abelard her well-beloved in Christ Jesus, from Heloise his
well-beloved in the same Christ Jesus._
I read the letter I received from you with great impatience: in spite
of all my misfortunes I hoped to find nothing in it besides arguments
of comfort. But how ingenious are lovers in tormenting themselves.
Judge of the exquisite sensibility and force of my love by that which
causes the grief of my soul. I was disturbed at the superscription of
your letter; why did you place the name of Heloise before that of
Abelard? What means this cruel and unjust distinction? It was your
name only--the name of a father and a husband--which my eager eyes
sought for. I did not look for my own, which I would if possible
forget, for it is the cause of all your misfortunes. The rules of
decorum, and your position as master and director over me, opposed
that ceremony in addressing me; and love commanded you to banish it:
alas! you know all this but too well!
Did you address me thus before cruel fortune had ruined my happiness?
I see your heart has forsaken me, and you have made greater advances
in the way of devotion than I could wish. Alas! I am too weak to
follow you; condescend at least to stay for me and animate me with
your advice. Can you have the cruelty to abandon me? The fear of this
stabs my heart; the fearful presages you make at the end of your
letter, those terrible images you draw of your death, quite distract
me. Cruel Abelard! you ought to have stopped my tears and you make
them flow. You ought to have quelled the turmoil of my heart and you
throw me into greater disorder.
You desire that after your death I should take care of your ashes and
pay them the last duties. Alas! in what temper did you conceive these
mournful ideas, and how could you describe them to me? Did not the
dread of causing my immediate death make the pen drop from your hand?
You did not reflect, I suppose, upon all those torments to which you
were going to deliver me? Heaven, severe as it has been to me, is not
so insensible as to permit me to live one moment after you. Life
without Abelard were an insupportable punishment, and death a most
exquisite happiness if by that means I could be united to him. If
Heaven but hearken to my continual cry, your days will be prolonged
and you will bury me.
Is it not your part to prepare me by powerful exhortation against
that great crisis which shakes the most resolute and stable minds? Is
it not your part to receive my last sighs, superintend my funeral,
and give an account of my acts and my faith? Who but you can
recommend us worthily to God, and by the fervour and merit of your
prayers conduct those souls to Him which you have joined to His
worship by solemn vows? We expect those pious offices from your
paternal charity. After this you will be free from those disquietudes
which now molest you, and you will quit life with ease whenever it
shall please God to call you away. You may follow us content with
what you have done, and in a full assurance of our happiness. But
till then write me no more such terrible things; for we are already
sufficiently miserable, nor need to have our sorrows aggravated. Our
life here is but a languishing death; would you hasten it? Our
present disgraces are sufficient to employ our thoughts continually,
and shall we seek in the future new reasons for fear? How void of
reason are men, said Seneca, to make distant evils present by
reflections, and to take pains before death to lose all the joys of
life.
When you have finished your course here below, you said that it is
your desire that your body be borne to the House of the Paraclete, to
the intent that being always before my eyes you may be ever present
in my mind. Can you think that the traces you have drawn on my heart
can ever be worn out, or that any length of time can obliterate the
memory we hold here of your benefits? And what time shall I find for
those prayers you speak of? Alas! I shall then be filled with other
cares, for so heavy a misfortune would leave me no moment's quiet.
Can my feeble reason resist such powerful assaults? When I am
distracted and raving (if I dare say it) even against Heaven itself,
I shall not soften it by my cries, but rather provoke it by my
reproaches. How should I pray or how bear up against my grief? I
should be more eager to follow you than to pay you the sad ceremonies
of a funeral. It is for you, for Abelard, that I have resolved to
live, and if you are ravished from me I can make no use of my
miserable days. Alas! what lamentations should I make if Heaven, by a
cruel pity, preserved me for that moment? When I but think of this
last separation I feel all the pangs of death; what should I be then
if I should see this dreadful hour? Forbear therefore to infuse into
my mind such mournful thoughts, if not for love, at least for pity.
You desire me to give myself up to my duty, and to be wholly God's,
to whom I am consecrated. How can I do that, when you frighten me
with apprehensions that continually possess my mind both night and
day? When an evil threatens us, and it is impossible to ward it off,
why do we give up ourselves to the unprofitable fear of it, which is
yet even more tormenting than the evil itself? What have I hope for
after the loss of you? What can confine me to earth when death shall
have taken away from me all that was dear on it? I have renounced
without difficulty all the charms of life, preserving only my love,
and the secret pleasure of thinking incessantly of you, and hearing
that you live. And yet, alas! you do not live for me, and dare not
flatter myself even with the hope that I shall ever see you again.
This is the greatest of my afflictions.
Merciless Fortune! hadst thou not persecuted me enough? Thou dost not
give me any respite; thou hast exhausted all thy vengeance upon me,
and reserved thyself nothing whereby thou mayst appear terrible to
others. Thou hast wearied thyself in tormenting me, and others have
nothing to fear from thy anger. But what use to longer arm thyself
against me? The wounds I have already received leave no room for
others, unless thou desirest to kill me. Or dost thou fear amidst the
numerous torments heaped on me, dost thou fear that such a final
stroke would deliver me from all other ills? Therefore thou
preservest me from death in order to make me die daily.
Dear Abelard, pity my despair! Was ever any being so miserable? The
higher you raised me above other women, who envied me your love, the
more sensible am I now of the loss of your heart. I was exalted to
the top of happiness only that I might have the more terrible fall.
Nothing could be compared to my pleasures, and now nothing can equal
my misery. My joys once raised the envy of my rivals, my present
wretchedness calls forth the compassion of all that see me. My
Fortune has been always in extremes; she has loaded me with the
greatest favours and then heaped me with the greatest afflictions;
ingenious in tormenting me, she has made the memory of the joys I
have lost an inexhaustible spring of tears. Love, which being possest
was her most delightful gift, on being taken away is an untold
sorrow. In short, her malice has entirely succeeded, and I find my
present afflictions proportionately bitter as the transports which
charmed me were sweet.
But what aggravates my sufferings yet more is, that we began to be
miserable at a time when we seemed the least to deserve it. While we
gave ourselves up to the enjoyment of a guilty love nothing opposed
our pleasures; but scarcely had we retrenched our passion and taken
refuge in matrimony, than the wrath of Heaven fell on us with all its
weight. And how barbarous was your punishment! Ah! what right had a
cruel Uncle over us? We were joined to each other even before the
altar, and this should have protected us from the rage of our
enemies. Besides, we were separated; you were busy with your lectures
and instructed a learned audience in mysteries which the greatest
geniuses before you could not penetrate; and I, in obedience to you,
retired to a cloister. I there spent whole days in thinking of you,
and sometimes meditating on holy lessons to which I endeavoured to
apply myself. At this very juncture punishment fell upon us, and you
who were least guilty became the object of the whole vengeance of a
barbarous man. But why should I rave at Fulbert? I, wretched I, have
ruined you, and have been the cause of all your misfortunes. How
dangerous it is for a great man to suffer himself to be moved by our
sex! He ought from his infancy to be inured to insensibility of heart
against all our charms. ‘Hearken, my son’ (said formerly the wisest
of men), ‘attend and keep my instructions; if a beautiful woman by
her looks endeavour to entice thee, permit not thyself to be overcome
by a corrupt inclination; reject the poison she offers, and follow
not the paths she directs. Her house is the gate of destruction and
death.’ I have long examined things, and have found that death is
less dangerous than beauty. It is the shipwreck of liberty, a fatal
snare, from which it is impossible ever to get free. It was a woman
who threw down the first man from the glorious position in which
Heaven had placed him; she, who was created to partake of his
happiness, was the sole cause of his ruin. How bright had been the
glory of Samson if his heart had been proof against the charms of
Delilah, as against the weapons of the Philistines. A woman disarmed
and betrayed he who had been a conqueror of armies. He saw himself
delivered into the hands of his enemies; he was deprived of his eyes,
those inlets of love into the soul; distracted and despairing he died
without any consolation save that of including his enemies in his
ruin. Solomon, that he might please women, forsook pleasing God; that
king whose wisdom princes came from all parts to admire, he whom God
had chosen to build the temple, abandoned the worship of the very
altars he had raised, and proceeded to such a pitch of folly as even
to burn incense to idols. Job had no enemy more cruel than his wife;
what temptations did he not bear? The evil spirit who had declared
himself his persecutor employed a woman as an instrument to shake his
constancy. And the same evil spirit made Heloise an instrument to
ruin Abelard. All the poor comfort I have is that I am not the
voluntary cause of your misfortunes. I have not betrayed you; but my
constancy and love have been destructive to you. If I have committed
a crime in loving you so constantly I cannot repent it. I have
endeavoured to please you even at the expense of my virtue, and
therefore deserve the pains I feel. As soon as I was persuaded of
your love I delayed scarce a moment in yielding to your
protestations; to be beloved by Abelard was in my esteem so great a
glory, and I so impatiently desired it, not to believe in it
immediately. I aimed at nothing but convincing you of my utmost
passion. I made no use of those defences of disdain and honour; those
enemies of pleasure which tyrannise over our sex made in me but a
weak and unprofitable resistance. I sacrificed all to my love, and I
forced my duty to give place to the ambition of making happy the most
famous and learned person of the age. If any consideration had been
able to stop me, it would have been without doubt my love. I feared
lest having nothing further to offer you your passion might become
languid, and you might seek for new pleasures in another conquest.
But it was easy for you to cure me of a suspicion so opposite to my
own inclination. I ought to have foreseen other more certain evils,
and to have considered that the idea of lost enjoyments would be the
trouble of my whole life.
How happy should I be could I wash out with my tears the memory of
those pleasures which I yet think of with delight. At least I will
try by strong endeavour to smother in my heart those desires to which
the frailty of my nature gives birth, and I will exercise on myself
such torments as those you have to suffer from the rage of your
enemies. I will endeavour by this means to satisfy you at least, if I
cannot appease an angry God. For to show you to what a deplorable
condition I am reduced, and how far my repentance is from being
complete, I dare even accuse Heaven at this moment of cruelty for
delivering you over to the snares prepared for you. My repinings can
only kindle divine wrath, when I should be seeking for mercy.
In order to expiate a crime it is not sufficient to bear the
punishment; whatever we suffer is of no avail if the passion still
continues and the heart is filled with the same desire. It is an easy
matter to confess a weakness, and inflict on ourselves some
punishment, but it needs perfect power over our nature to extinguish
the memory of pleasures, which by a loved habitude have gained
possession of our minds. How many persons do we see who make an
outward confession of their faults, yet, far from being in distress
about them, take a new pleasure in relating them. Contrition of the
heart ought to accompany the confession of the mouth, yet this very
rarely happens. I, who have experienced so many pleasures in loving
you, feel, in spite of myself, that I cannot repent them, nor forbear
through memory to enjoy them over again. Whatever efforts I use, on
whatever side I turn, the sweet thought still pursues me, and every
object brings to my mind what it is my duty to forget. During the
quiet night, when my heart ought to be still in that sleep which
suspends the greatest cares, I cannot avoid the illusions of my
heart. I dream I am still with my dear Abelard. I see him, I speak to
him and hear him answer. Charmed with each other we forsake our
studies and give ourselves up to love. Sometimes too I seem to
struggle with your enemies; I oppose their fury, I break into piteous
cries, and in a moment I awake in tears. Even into holy places before
the altar I carry the memory of our love, and far from lamenting for
having been seduced by pleasures, I sigh for having lost them.
I remember (for nothing is forgot by lovers) the time and place in
which you first declared your passion and swore you would love me
till death. Your words, your oaths, are deeply graven in my heart. My
stammering speech betrays to all the disorder of my mind; my sighs
discover me, and your name is ever on my lips. O Lord! when I am thus
afflicted why dost not Thou pity my weakness and strengthen me with
Thy grace? You are happy, Abelard, in that grace is given you, and
your misfortune has been the occasion of your finding rest. The
punishment of your body has cured the deadly wounds of your soul. The
tempest has driven you into the haven. God, who seemed to deal
heavily with you, sought only to help you; He was a Father chastising
and not an Enemy revenging--a wise Physician putting you to some pain
in order to preserve your life. I am a thousand times more to be
pitied than you, for I have still a thousand passions to fight. I
must resist those fires which love kindles in a young heart. Our sex
is nothing but weakness, and I have the greater difficulty in
defending myself because the enemy that attacks me pleases me; I doat
on the danger which threatens; how then can I avoid yielding?
In the midst of these struggles I try at least to conceal my weakness
from those you have entrusted to my care. All who are about me admire
my virtue, but could their eyes penetrate into my heart what would
they not discover? My passions there are in rebellion; I preside over
others but cannot rule myself. I have a false covering, and this
seeming virtue is a real vice. Men judge me praiseworthy, but I am
guilty before God; from His all-seeing eye nothing is hid, and He
views through all their windings the secrets of the heart. I cannot
escape His discovery. And yet it means great effort to me merely to
maintain this appearance of virtue, so surely this troublesome
hypocrisy is in some sort commendable. I give no scandal to the world
which is so easy to take bad impressions; I do not shake the virtue
of those feeble ones who are under my rule. With my heart full of the
love of man, I teach them at least to love only God. Charmed with the
pomp of worldly pleasures, I endeavor to show them that they are all
vanity and deceit. I have just strength enough to conceal from them
my longings, and I look upon that as a great effect of grace. If it
is not enough to make me embrace virtue, 'tis enough to keep me from
committing sin.
And yet it is in vain to try and separate these two things: they must
be guilty who are not righteous, and they depart from virtue who
delay to approach it. Besides, we ought to have no other motive than
the love of God. Alas! what can I then hope for? I own to my
confusion I fear more to offend a man than to provoke God, and I
study less to please Him than to please you. Yes, it was your command
only, and not a sincere vocation, which sent me into these cloisters;
I sought to give you ease and not to sanctify myself. How unhappy am
I! I tear myself from all that pleases me; I bury myself alive; I
exercise myself with the most rigid fastings and all those severities
the cruel laws impose on us; I feed myself with tears and sorrows;
and notwithstanding this I merit nothing by my penance. My false
piety has long deceived you as well as others; you have thought me at
peace when I was more disturbed than ever. You persuaded yourself I
was wholly devoted to my duty, yet I had no business but love. Under
this mistake you desire my prayers--alas! I need yours! Do not
presume upon my virtue and my care; I am wavering, fix me by your
advice; I am feeble, sustain and guide me by your counsel.
What occasion had you to praise me? Praise is often hurtful for those
on whom it is bestowed: a secret vanity springs up in the heart,
blinds us, and conceals from us the wounds that are half healed. A
seducer flatters us, and at the same time destroys us. A sincere
friend disguises nothing from us, and far from passing a light hand
over the wound, makes us feel it the more intensely by applying
remedies. Why do you not deal after this manner with me? Will you be
esteemed a base, dangerous flatterer? or if you chance to see
anything commendable in me, have you no fear that vanity, which is so
natural to all women, should quite efface it? But let us not judge of
virtue by outward appearances, for then the reprobate as well as the
elect may lay claim to it. An artful impostor may by his address gain
more admiration than is given to the zeal of a saint.
The heart of man is a labyrinth whose windings are very difficult to
discover. The praises you give me are the more dangerous because I
love the person who bestows them. The more I desire to please you the
readier am I to believe the merit you attribute to me. Ah! think
rather how to nerve my weakness by wholesome remonstrances! Be rather
fearful than confident of my salvation; say our virtue is founded
upon weakness, and that they only will be crowned who have fought
with the greatest difficulties. But I seek not the crown which is the
reward of victory--I am content if I can avoid danger. It is easier
to keep out of the way than to win a battle. There are several
degrees in glory, and I am not ambitious of the highest; I leave them
to those of greater courage who have often been victorious. I seek
not to conquer for fear I should be overcome; happiness enough for me
to escape shipwreck and at last reach port. Heaven commands me to
renounce my fatal passion for you, but oh! my heart will never be
able to consent to it. Adieu.