JONAS EXPOUNDS THE SUBJECT.
"I 'lowed I'd ketch you here, my venerable and reliable feller-citizen!"
said Jonas as he entered the lower story of Andrew Anderson's castle and
greeted August, sitting by Andrew's loom. It was the next evening after
Julia's interview with Cynthy Ann. "When do you 'low to leave this
terry-firmy and climb a ash-saplin'? To-night, hey? Goin' to the Queen
City to take to steamboat life in hopes of havin' your sperrits raised
by bein' blowed up? Take my advice and don't make haste in the downward
road to destruction, nor the up-hill one nuther. A game a'n't never
through tell it's played out, an' the American eagle's a chicken with
steel spurs. That air sweet singer of Israel that is so hifalugeon he
has to anchor hisself to his boots, knows all the tricks, and is
intimately acquainted with the kyards, whether it's faro, poker, euchre,
or French monte. But blamed ef Providence a'n't dealed you a better
hand'n you think. Never desperandum, as the Congressmen say, fer while
the lamp holds out to burn you may beat the blackleg all to flinders
and sing and shout forever. Last night I went to bed thinkin' 'Umphreys
had the stakes all in his pocket. This mornin' I found he was in a far
way to be beat outen his boots ef you stood yer ground like a man and a
gineological descendant of Plymouth Rock!"
Andrew stopped his loom, and, looking at August, said: "Our friend Jonas
speaks somewhat periphrastically and euphuistically, and--he'll pardon
me--but he speaks a little ambiguously."
"My love, I gin it up, as the fish-hawk said to the bald eagle one day.
I kin rattle off odd sayings and big words picked up at Fourth-of-Julys
and barbecues and big meetins, but when you begin to fire off your
forty-pound bomb-shell book-words, I climb down as suddent as Davy
Crockett's coon. Maybe I do speak unbiguously, as you say, but I was
givin' you the biggest talkin' I had in the basket. And as fer my good
news, a feller don't like to eat up all his country sugar to wunst, I
'low. But I says to our young and promisin' friend of German extraction,
beloved, says I, hold onto that air limb a little longer and
you're saved."
"But, Jonas," said August, spinning Andrew's winding-blade round and
speaking slowly and bitterly, "a man don't like to be trifled with, if
he is a Dutchman!"
"But sposin' a man hain't been trifled with, Dutchman or no
Dutchman? Sposin' it's all a optical delusion of the yeers?
There's a word fer _you_, Andrew, that a'n't nuther unbiguous
nor peri-what-you-may-call-it."
"But," said August, "Betsey Malcolm--"
"_Betsey Malcolm!_" said Jonas. "Betsey Malcolm to thunder!" and then he
whistled. "Set a dog to mind a basket of meat when his chops is
a-waterin' fer it! Set a kingfisher to take keer of a fish-pond! Set a
cat to raisin' your orphan chickens on the bottle! Set a spider to nuss
a fly sick with dyspepsy from eatin' too much molasses! I'd ruther trust
a hen-hawk with a flock of patridges than to trust Betsey Malcolm with
your affairs. I ha'n't walked behind you from meetin' and seed her head
a bobbin' like a bluebird's and her eyes a blazin an' all that, fer
nothin'. Like as not, Betsey Malcolm's more nor half your trouble in
that quarter."
"But she said--"
"It don't matter three quarters of a rotten rye-straw what she said, my
inexper'enced friend. She don't keer what she says, so long as it's fur
enough away from the truth to sarve her turn. An' she's told pay-tent
double-back-action lies that worked both ways. What do you 'low Jule
Anderson tho't when she hearn tell of your courtin' Betsey, as Betsey
told it, with all her nods an' little crowin'? Now looky here, Gus, I'm
your friend, as the Irishman said to the bar that hugged him, an' I want
to say about all that air that Betsey told you, spit on the slate an'
wipe that all off. They's lie in her soap an.' right smart chance of
saft-soap in her lie, I 'low."
These rough words of Jonas brought a strange intelligence into the mind
of August. He saw so many things in a moment that had lain under his
eyes unnoticed.
"There is much rough wisdom in your speech, Jonas," said Andrew.
"That's a fact. You and me used to go to school to old Benefield
together when I was little and you was growed up. You allers beat
everybody all holler in books and spellin'-matches, Andy. But I 'low I
cut my eye-teeth 'bout as airly as some of you that's got more larnin'
under your skelp. Now, I say to our young friend and feller-citizen,
don't go 'way tell you've spoke a consolin' word to a girl as'll stick
to you tell the hour and article of death, and then remains yours truly
forever, amen."
[Illustration: JONAS.]
"How do you know that, Jonas?" said August, smiling in spite of himself.
"How do I know it? Why, by the testimony of a uncorrupted and
disinterested witness, gentlemen of the jury, if the honorable court
pleases. What did that Jule Anderson do, poor thing, but spend some
time making a most onseasonable visit to Cynthy Ann last night? And I
'low ef there's a ole gal in this sublunary spear as tells the truth in
a bee-line and no nonsense, it's that there same, individooal, identical
Cynthy Ann. She's most afeard to drink cold water or breathe fresh air
fer fear she'll commit a unpard'nable sin. And that persecuted young
pigeon that thought herself forsooken, jest skeeted into Cynthy Ann's
budwoir afore daybreak this mornin' and told her all her sorrows, and
how your letter and your goin' with that Betsey Malcolm"--here August
winced--"had well nigh druv her to run off with the straps and
watch-seals to get rid of you and Betsey and her precious and mighty
affectionate ma."
"But she won't look at me in meeting, and she sent Humphreys to me with
an insulting message."
"Which text divides itself into two parts, my brethren and
feller-travelers to etarnity. To treat the last head first, beloved, I
admonish you not to believe a blackleg, unless it's under sarcumstances
when he's got onusual and airresistible temptations to tell the truth. I
don't advise yer to spit on the slate and rub it out in this case. Break
the slate and throw it away. To come to the second pertikeler, which is
the first in the order of my text, my attentive congregation. She didn't
look at you in meetin'. Now, I 'spose you don't know nothin' of her
mother's heart-disease. Heart-disease is trumps with Abigail Anderson.
She plays that every turn. Just think of a young gal who thinks that ef
she looks at her beau when her mother's by, she might kill her
invalooable parient of heart-disease. Fer my part, I don't take no stock
in Mrs. Abby Anderson's dyin' of heart-disease, no ways. Might as well
talk about a whale dyin' of footrot."
"Well, Jonas, what counsel do you give our young friend? Your sagacity
is to be depended on."
"Why, I advise him to speak face to face with the angel of his life. Let
him climb into my room to-night. Leave meetin' jest afore the
benediction--he kin do without that wunst--and go double-quick acrost
the fields, and git safe into my stoodio. Ferther pertikelers when the
time arrives."