_Introductions--Recognition of Affinity, or Love at First Sight--How to
Follow up an Acquaintance--Kindly Offices of Relations and Friends._
Introductions.
There are definite laws of etiquette in the matter of introductions. A
man has seen the lady once, or, it may be, has watched her from a
distance with longing eyes for months past. He may not make himself
known to her without the aid of a third person, who should first
ascertain whether his acquaintance will be agreeable to the object of
his admiration. It may happen that the gods will send him some lucky
chance of rendering her a timely service. He might rescue her dog from
a canine street fray, pick up a trinket she had dropped, or, better
still, like the people in novels, travel with her on a long journey
and prove himself a tactful cavalier. Under any of these circumstances
the ice would be broken, and possibly an informal introduction would
take place. It ought, however, to be supplemented by more regular
proceedings before any recognised intercourse is possible.
A girl is not supposed to ask for an introduction to a man,
but--low be it spoken--she often does; not publicly, of course, but
she simply confides in her married lady friend or favourite brother,
neither of whom would naturally give her away.
A man ought not to haunt a girl whose acquaintance he wishes to make.
There is a wide margin between accepting invitations to houses, or
turning up opportunely at parties where he may expect to meet her, and
walking obtrusively past her house several times a day, or shadowing
her out shopping and at public places of amusement. A very young girl
{22} might think this romantic, though youth is terribly matter-of-fact
nowadays. Her elders would certainly consider it rude, and put him
down as a man to be avoided. An elderly sentimental spinster would be
in a flutter. A level-headed girl would think him a bore, if not a bit
of a fool.
Love at First Sight.
This seems a very large order, for love means so much. That there is
often a wondrous _recognition of affinity_, a sort of flash from soul
to soul kindling the desire for closer union, is undeniable. A man
suddenly sees the one whom he resolves to win for his wife. A woman
realises that she has found the man of all others to whom she would
gladly give herself. This is not love; it is but the herald that goes
before the king.
Opinions on the subject of marrying one's first love are much divided,
and one has rather to beg the question by saying that it is mainly a
matter of temperament. The age at which you begin falling in love has
also to be taken into account. A modern writer gives it as his opinion
that "A wise man will never marry his first love, for he knows that
matrimony demands as much special attention as any of the learned
professions. Unqualified amateurs swell the lists of the divorce
court."
The Man's Case.
It may be taken for granted that the man who has some experience of
women and their ways makes a better lover than one who knows nothing
of them. Love may supply him with essentials, but only practice can
perfect details. A man of five-and-twenty may be supposed to know his
own mind.
The Girl's Case.
The girl in her teens who gives her love and herself may find full
satisfaction in her marriage; but blind self-confidence and impulsive
inexperience may lay up a store of sorrow for the future. No man is
wise to hurry a young girl into marriage.
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How to follow up an Acquaintance.
Once the introduction is over it remains mainly with the man to make
the most of his advantages. He obtains permission to call; and it is
not a bad plan to allow a short interval to elapse before availing
himself of the privilege. He must not seem neglectful, but may wait
just long enough to give the lady time to think about him, to wonder,
to wish, to long for his coming. He will be careful not to transgress
any detail of etiquette in this his first call, but he will not leave
without having made some distinct advance, having found some pretext
for a less formal visit. He will convey to her in a subtle, meaning
manner that the sun will not shine for him till he sees her again.
Her Family.
He will find out what interests her people. He will bring her father
rare cuttings for his garden, or introduce him to a choice brand of
cigars. He will lend her mother books, sing or recite at her pet
charity entertainments, or even make a martyr of himself at
flower-shows and bazaars. He will bring designs for her sister's
wood-carving, or teach small Tommy to ride a bicycle.
As to the lady of his heart, he will begin by sharing her pursuits
only as a means to an end, for when love-making once steps in other
pursuits are neglected, if not totally shelved, for the time being.
This transition stage requires great tact. He must not startle her by
too sudden a development. Some women may like to be taken by storm, to
be married by capture as it were, but the average girl likes to have
time to enjoy being wooed and won. She basks in the gradual unfolding
of his love; she rejoices over each new phase of their courtship; she
lingers longingly on the threshold of her great happiness. She is
intoxicated by the sense of her own power; she is touched by the
deference which curbs his ardour.
Kindly Offices of Relations and Friends.
Outsiders can often make or mar a possible marriage. When the third
person undertakes to introduce two people in a case {24} where even a
one-sided attraction is supposed to exist, no remark should be made
about it. The lady friend who tells a girl that a man "is very much
taken with her," strikes a fatal blow at the unconscious grace with
which the girl would otherwise have received him. The blundering
brother who blurts out: "My sister says that girl's awfully gone on
you, old chap!" probably makes his chum fight shy of the girl, or
indulge in a little fun at her expense. It should be remembered that a
nearer acquaintance does not always confirm impressions formed at a
distance.
A sister who will discreetly play the part of Number Three is
invaluable. A brother who will bring the man home to dinner, or
arrange cycling expeditions, is a treasure. The aunt who gives dances
or river parties just when he has his holiday is inestimable. The
uncle who has a fancy for stage managing, and casts the two for the
lovers' parts in a charmingly unconscious fashion, is a relation worth
having. Married friends on either side can afford many extra and
delightful opportunities of meeting. While thus smoothing the path of
love, all obtrusive allusion to the suspected or recognised state of
things should be carefully avoided. It is an unpardonable breach of
etiquette for any one to draw attention to the movements of a couple
by a laugh, a nod, or a wink which, though not intended to reach them,
gives frequent rise to unpleasant situations. Her friends should guard
against anything savouring of a husband-trap; his friends should avoid
any indication that they look upon her as his lawful prey.
There should be no questionable chaff or talking at the possible
lovers. Older people who have forgotten how tender their own
sensibilities once were are rather fond of cracking jokes, and make
tactless, pointed remarks. The old friend of the family who slaps the
prospective suitor on the back, and in the lady's presence challenges
him to kiss her under the mistletoe, only succeeds in making them both
uncomfortable. The elderly relative who nods her cap, saying: "Oh yes,
we know all about it! We were young ourselves once!" probably has the
best intentions, but has chosen the worst way of showing them.
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