This generation, whose taste in humor has naturally changed from that of
Civil War times, is not very familiar with the stories of Artemus Ward. It
will be well for the reader to bear this in mind in the pages that follow.
One of the two stories Lincoln read by way of relaxation, as I have told
in the preceding chapter, concerned the President himself. Here it is:
HOW OLD ABE RECEIVED THE NEWS OF HIS NOMINATION
There are several reports afloat as to how "Honest Old Abe" received the
news of his nomination, none of which are correct. We give the correct
report.
The Official Committee arrived in Springfield at dewy eve, and went to
Honest Old Abe's house. Honest Old Abe was not in. Mrs. Honest Old Abe
said Honest Old Abe was out in the woods splitting rails. So the Official
Committee went out into the woods, where, sure enough, they found Honest
Old Abe splitting rails with his two boys. It was a grand, a magnificent
spectacle. There stood Honest Old Abe in his shirt-sleeves, a pair of
leather home-made suspenders holding up a pair of home-made pantaloons,
the seat of which was neatly patched with substantial cloth of a different
color. "Mr. Lincoln, Sir, you've been nominated, Sir, for the highest
office, Sir--" "Oh, don't bother me," said Honest Old Abe; "I took a
_stent_ this mornin' to split three million rails afore night, and I don't
want to be pestered with no stuff about no Conventions till I get my stent
done. I've only got two hundred thousand rails to split before sundown. I
kin do it if you'll let me alone." And the great man went right on
splitting rails, paying no attention to the Committee whatever. The
Committee were lost in admiration for a few moments, when they recovered,
and asked one of Honest Old Abe's boys whose boy he was? "I'm my parent's
boy," shouted the urchin, which burst of wit so convulsed the Committee
that they came very near "gin'in eout" completely. In a few moments Honest
Ole Abe finished his task, and received the news with perfect
self-possession. He then asked them up to the house, where he received
them cordially. He said he split three million rails every day, although
he was in very poor health. Mr. Lincoln is a jovial man, and has a keen
sense of the ludicrous. During the evening he asked Mr. Evarts, of New
York, "why Chicago was like a hen crossing the street?" Mr. Evarts gave it
up. "Because," said Mr. Lincoln, "Old Grimes is dead, that good old man!"
This exceedingly humorous thing created the most uproarious laughter.
INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN
I hav no politics. Not a one. I'm not in the bizniss. If I was I spose I
should holler versiffrusly in the streets at nite and go home to Betsy
Jane smellin of coal ile and gin, in the mornin. I should go to the Poles
arly. I should stay there all day. I should see to it that my nabers was
thar. I should git carriges to take the kripples, the infirm, and the
indignant thar. I should be on guard agin frauds and sich. I should be on
the look out for the infamus lise of the enemy, got up jest be4 elecshun
for perlitical effeck. When all was over and my candy-date was elected, I
should move heving & erth--so to speak--until I got orfice, which if I
didn't git a orfice I should turn round and abooze the Administration with
all my mite and maine. But I'm not in the bizniss. I'm in a far more
respectful bizniss nor what pollertics is. I wouldn't giv two cents to be
a Congresser. The wuss insult I ever received was when sertin citizens of
Baldinsville axed me to run fur the Legislater. Sez I, "My frends, dostest
think I'd stoop to that there?" They turned as white as a sheet. I spoke
in my most orfullest tones & they knowed I wasn't to be trifled with. They
slunked out of site to onct.
There4, havin no politics, I made bold to visit Old Abe at his humstid in
Springfield. I found the old feller in his parler, surrounded by a perfeck
swarm of orfice seekers. Knowin he had been capting of a flat boat on the
roarin Mississippy I thought I'd address him in sailor lingo, so sez I,
"Old Abe, ahoy! Let out yer main-suls, reef hum the forecastle & throw yer
jib-poop over-board! Shiver my timbers, my harty!" [N. B. This is ginuine
mariner langwidge. I know, becawz I've seen sailor plays acted out by them
New York theater fellers.] Old Abe lookt up quite cross & sez, "Send in
yer petition by & by. I can't possibly look at it now. Indeed, I can't.
It's on-possible, sir!"
"Mr. Linkin, who do you spect I air?" sed I.
"A orfice-seeker, to be sure," sed he.
"Wall, sir," sed I, "you's never more mistaken in your life. You hain't
gut a orfiss I'd take under no circumstances. I'm A. Ward. Wax figgers is
my perfeshun. I'm the father of Twins, and they look like me--_both of
them_. I cum to pay a friendly visit to the President eleck of the United
States. If so be you wants to see me, say so, if not, say so & I'm orf
like a jug handle."
"Mr. Ward, sit down. I am glad to see you, Sir."
"Repose in Abraham's Buzzum!" sed one of the orfice seekers, his idee bein
to git orf a goak at my expense.
"Wall," sez I, "ef all you fellers repose in that there Buzzum thar'll be
mity poor nussin for sum of you!" whereupon Old Abe buttoned his weskit
clear up and blusht like a maidin of sweet 16. Jest at this pint of the
conversation another swarm of orfice-seekers arrove & cum pilin into the
parler. Sum wanted post orfices, sum wanted collectorships, sum wantid
furrin missions, and all wanted sumthin. I thought Old Abe would go crazy.
He hadn't more than had time to shake hands with 'em, before another
tremenjis crowd cum porein onto his premises. His house and dooryard was
now perfeckly overflowed with orfice seekers, all clameruss for a immejit
interview with Old Abe. One man from Ohio, who had about seven inches of
corn whisky into him, mistook me for Old Abe and addrest me as "The
Pra-hayrie Flower of the West!" Thinks I _you_ want a offiss putty bad.
Another man with a gold-heded cane and a red nose told Old Abe he was "a
seckind Washington & the Pride of the Boundliss West."
Sez I, "Square, you wouldn't take a small post-offiss if you could git it,
would you?"
Sez he, "A patrit is abuv them things, sir!"
"There's a putty big crop of patrits this season, ain't there, Squire?"
sez I, when _another_ crowd of offiss seekers pored in. The house,
dooryard, barngs, woodshed was now all full, and when _another_ crowd cum
I told 'em not to go away for want of room as the hog-pen was still empty.
One patrit from a small town in Michygan went up on top the house, got
into the chimney and slid into the parler where Old Abe was endeverin to
keep the hungry pack of orfice-seekers from chawin him up alive without
benefit of clergy. The minit he reached the fireplace he jumpt up, brusht
the soot out of his eyes, and yelled: "Don't make eny pintment at the
Spunkville postoffiss till you've read my papers. All the respectful men
in our town is signers to that there dockyment!"
"Good God!" cried Old Abe, "they cum upon me from the skize--down the
chimneys, and from the bowels of the yerth!" He hadn't more'n got them
words out of his delikit mouth before two fat offiss-seekers from
Winconsin, in endeverin to crawl atween his legs for the purpuss of
applyin for the tollgateship at Milwawky, upsot the President eleck, & he
would hev gone sprawlin into the fireplace if I hadn't caught him in these
arms. But I hadn't more'n stood him up strate before another man cum
crashing down the chimney, his head strikin me viliently again the inards
and prostratin my voluptoous form onto the floor. "Mr. Linkin," shoutid
the infatooated being, "my papers is signed by every clergyman in our
town, and likewise the skoolmaster!"
Sez I, "You egrejis ass," gittin up & brushin the dust from my eyes, "I'll
sign your papers with this bunch of bones, if you don't be a little more
keerful how you make my bread basket a depot in the futur. How do you like
that air perfumery?" sez I, shuving my fist under his nose. "Them's the
kind of papers I'll giv you! Them's the papers _you_ want!"
"But I workt hard for the ticket; I toiled night and day! The patrit
should be rewarded!"
"Virtoo," sed I, holdin' the infatooated man by the coat-collar, "virtoo,
sir, is its own reward. Look at me!" He did look at me, and qualed be4 my
gase. "The fact is," I continued, lookin' round on the hungry crowd,
"there is scacely a offiss for every ile lamp carrid round durin' this
campane. I wish thare was. I wish thare was furrin missions to be filled
on varis lonely Islands where eprydemics rage incessantly, and if I was in
Old Abe's place I'd send every mother's son of you to them. What air you
here for?" I continnered, warmin up considerable, "can't you giv Abe a
minit's peace? Don't you see he's worrid most to death? Go home, you
miserable men, go home & till the sile! Go to peddlin tinware--go to
choppin wood--go to bilin' sope--stuff sassengers--black boots--git a
clerkship on sum respectable manure cart--go round as original Swiss Bell
Ringers--becum 'origenal and only' Campbell Minstrels--go to lecturin at
50 dollars a nite--imbark in the peanut bizniss--_write for the
Ledger_--saw off your legs and go round givin concerts, with tuchin
appeals to a charitable public, printed on your handbills--anything for a
honest living, but don't come round here drivin Old Abe crazy by your
outrajis cuttings up! Go home. Stand not upon the order of your goin', but
go to onct! Ef in five minits from this time," sez I, pullin' out my new
sixteen dollar huntin cased watch and brandishin' it before their eyes,
"Ef in five minits from this time a single sole of you remains on these
here premises, I'll go out to my cage near by, and let my Boy Constructor
loose! & ef he gits amung you, you'll think old Solferino has cum again
and no mistake!" You ought to hev seen them scamper, Mr. Fair. They run of
as tho Satun hisself was arter them with a red hot ten pronged pitchfork.
In five minits the premises was clear.
"How kin I ever repay you, Mr. Ward, for your kindness?" sed Old Abe,
advancin and shakin me warmly by the hand. "How kin I ever repay you,
sir?"
"By givin the whole country a good, sound administration. By poerin' ile
upon the troubled waturs, North and South. By pursooin' a patriotic, firm,
and just course, and then if any State wants to secede, let 'em Sesesh!"
"How 'bout my Cabinit, Mister Ward?" sed Abe.
"Fill it up with Showmen, sir! Showmen, is devoid of politics. They hain't
got any principles. They know how to cater for the public. They know what
the public wants, North & South. Showmen, sir, is honest men. Ef you doubt
their literary ability, look at their posters, and see small bills! Ef you
want a Cabinit as is a Cabinit fill it up with showmen, but don't call on
me. The moral wax figger perfeshun mustn't be permitted to go down while
there's a drop of blood in these vains! A. Linkin, I wish you well! Ef
Powers or Walcutt wus to pick out a model for a beautiful man, I scarcely
think they'd sculp you; but ef you do the fair thing by your country
you'll make as putty a angel as any of us! A. Linkin, use the talents
which Nature has put into you judishusly and firmly, and all will be well!
A. Linkin, adoo!"
He shook me cordyully by the hand--we exchanged picters, so we could gaze
upon each others' liniments, when far away from one another--he at the
hellum of the ship of State, and I at the hellum of the show
bizniss--admittance only 15 cents.