Hard to Pleeas.

"Aa, well! Wonders'll nivver cease! Come thi ways in! Whativver's browt

thee here ov a day like this? It isn't fit to turn a dog aght ot door."

"Noa lass, an' if awd been a dog aw dooant think awst ha turned aght,

but bein' a poor widdy woman my life's war nor a dog's life onny day ith

wick."

"Tak thi bonnet an shawl off an creep up to th' range. Awm sure awm fain

tha's com'd, for aw wor gettin' reight looansum, for my felly an booath

oth lads have gooan to th' taan, an they'll nooan be back afoor neet.

But what is it 'at's made thee turn aght ov a day like this?"

"Tha may weel ax, but aw hardly dar tell thee Nanny, for aw knaw varry

weel 'at them 'at goa a borrowin' goa a sorrowin', an to mak a long

stooary short, awve come to see if tha can leean me ten shillin' wol awr

Harriet Ann's next draw day, for awm behund hand wi mi rent, an tha

knows what sooart ov a chap awr landlord is, for although we've lived i'

yond haase aboon twenty year, he'd think noa moor abaat puttin' th' bums

in, if we were an haar behund wi th' rent, nor he wod o' spittin' aght."

"Why, Jenny, tha knows hah awm fixed, Aw've nooan too mich to stir on,

for yond lads' bellies tak moor fillin' nor onnybody'd believe, an' that

felly o' mine smooks moor bacca nor aw do believe ud fill a seck. He's

nivver th' pipe aght ov his maath nobbut when he's aitin or else asleep,

an not allus then, an as times is it's ommost a wonder to see a shillin'

or two, an' aw've nivver had a new cap sin last Mikelmas, an ther's noa

signs 'at aw see on, for awr Alick's naggin' at me ivvery day for a new

this or a new that, wol mi life's a looad to me; but awl see what aw can

do for thee, but goodness knaws awm poor enuff."

Soa Nanny went to th' little corner cubbord, an after clatterin' th'

cups an plates abaat, shoo managed to find ten shillin', an shoo caanted

'em aght one bi one, an' then wi a sigh 'at wor ommost a sob, shoo sed,

"Thear it is, an aw hooap tha'll net forget to let me have it back as

sooin as tha can. But hah is it tha's managed to run short?"

"A'a, lass! It's th' same old tale. It matters little what yo do for a

child at this day, yo're niver onny better thowt on, and when they've

takken th' bit aght o' yer maath, they'd have yor teeth if they could

mak onny use on 'em. Aw think awr Harriet Ann 'll bring mi grey hairs wi

sorrow to th' grave."

"Why, awm capt to hear thee say soa abaat her, for aw allus thowt 'at

yor Harriet Ann wor one oth nicest lasses awd iver met. But what's th'

matter? Shoo hasn't started o' gooin to th' doncin' classes or owt o'

that sooart, surelee?"

"Nay, nowt o' that sooart; it's war nor that. Shoo's net to be called a

ill en, but shoo's sich a fooil, an if shoo sets her mind o' owt shoo'll

do it if shoo has to wade throo fire and watter. But it maks me fair

poorly to think on it, to say nowt abaat tellin' it."

"Why, tak hold o' that teah pot an sup aght oth spaat, it'll cheer thee

up a bit; for if there is owt 'at's heartsluftin, it is what mothers

have to put up wi throo undutiful bairns."

"A'a, aw want noa teah, lass; awd mi braikfast just afoor aw started

aght."

"Thee taste o' that an tha'll find it'll do thee gooid."

"Eea, an it is gooid too! That warms me reight daan to mi tooas. Ther's

nivver nowt seems to settle my stummock like a drop o' gin an watter.

But whativer maks thee keep it ith teapot?"

"Why, tha sees, it doesn't allus do to have a bottle an a glass oth

table, for yo niver know who may pop in, an aw dooant like to set it

befoor th' childer for fear it mud tempt 'em to tak it befoor they've

getten sense to know hah to use it, an awm sewer aw should nivver think

o' lukkin t'side it wor on throo one year's end to another if it worn't

for theas pains i' mi inside, for it's phisick to me an noa mistak."

"Aw can believe thee weel enuff, for ther's nowt seems to do as weel for

me."

"Well, tha hasn't tell'd me thi trubble yet, an awd like to know, an may

be aw can help thee a bit, for two heeads is better nor one, if one is

nobbut--tha knows what."

"Tha sees, awr Harriet Ann wor as gooid a lass as iver stept till shoo

began o' coortin', an th' furst warnin' aw had wor th' last draw day,

for asteead o' givin' me two paand ten, shoo nobbut gave me thirty

shillin', an when aw axed her hah it wor shoo sed aw mud try an mak it

do, for shoo wanted to buy a two-o'-three bits o' things, for shoo'd

made up her mind to get wed. Tha could ha fell'd me wi a bean when shoo

sed that, for if ther wor owt i' this world 'at aw wor anxious abaat it

wor 'at shoo'd ha moor sense nor to get wed, soa aw axed her who it wor,

but shoo nobbut laft an sed aw should varry likely know him when aw saw

him. Nah, tha knows, Nanny, it wor nivver my way to goa abaat pryin'

into other fowks' consarns, but aw couldn't do but ax one or two ov her

comrades an try to get to know who he wor, but all awve fun aght soa far

is 'at he's a young gooid-fer-nowt, 'at nawther is owt nor nivver will

be, an he wants her for nowt i' this world but to work to keep him, wol

he spends his days drinkin' an dog feightin an pidgeon flyin', an' after

all th' trouble 'at aw've been at to bring her up in a respectable way,

awm sewer it's enuff to braik th' heart ov a stooan. Shove that teah pot

on here agean, for awm reight daan faint."

"Sup lass, for aw can sympathise wi thee, an if it 'ad been a paand

tha'd wanted to borra tha should ha had it. But tha hasn't all th'

trouble to thisen, for aw've getten a share as weel as thee. Awl tak a

drop o' that if tha'll hand th' teah pot this way. But mine's a deeal

war nor thine, for awr Alick (a better lad nivver wor born--aw used to

say when he wor a babby 'at he'd nivver live, for when he wor varry near

doubled up wi th' ballywark he'd ligg in his creddle an hardly mak a

muff) he's gooin to mak a fooil ov hissen an all, for he's pickt up some

idle trolly, an he's savin' up his brass to ware it o' her, an he's aght

two or three neets ith wick, an _if_ aw ax him owt he says, "Yo'll find

it aght in a bit," an if he doesn't find it aght it'll cap me, for his

fayther tell'd me 'at he saw him walkin' abaat last Horton Tide wi a

woman hook'd ov his arm, an what maks it war is aw've heeard at shoo's

nooan to gooid, an he's as simple as a cauf, an shoo can just twist him

raand her little finger. When aw wor puttin' his Sunday clooas away last

wick aw fan a thimmel an a hairpin, an a mintdrop 'at had been hauf

suckt (an aw know awr Alick niver aits spice) in his britches pocket, an

when he coom hooam he wor ommost ranty wol he knew what had come on 'em,

an when aw gave 'em him he lapt 'em up i' paper an lukt as suited as if

he'd fun a fortun."

"Th' teah-pot's empty if it means owt, but aw wor just gooin to say 'at

tha knows we can nivver put old heeads onto young shoolders, an awm

sooary to hear 'at yor Alick's noa moor wit, but still it isn't as bad a

case as mine, for tha sees if a chap gets wed he's th' maister, but a

lass has to do as shoo can."

"Nay, net it! It's th' wimmen 'at's th' maisters oth men, aw know that

mysen. Whear wod that felly o' mine ha been if it hadn't been for me?

Why he'd ha been ith warkus long sin, if he hadn't been in his grave.

Try this, sithee, it's sweeter nor th' last."

"Eea, it's sweeter, but it 'ud do wi a drop moor gin in it if it's all

th' same to thee."

"It is rayther waik, but as aw wor sayin', tha sees awr Alick's allus

lived at hooam, an he's nivver known what it's been to want for owt,

even to his booits bein' blackened for Sunday, an if he gets hold o'

that nasty powse (for shoo's nowt else who shoo is), whativver mun come

on him."

"Eea, an whativer mun come o' awr Harriet Ann? Did ta put owt into th'

teah-pot, Nanny?"

"Aw filled it nobbut a minnit sin, an if it's empty tha must ha supt

it."

"Nay, awve nobbut tasted abaat twice. Happen it runs."

"Awm sure it runs, but it's aght oth spaat. Put it aght oth seet. Ther's

awr Alick comin' up th' gate, an yor Harriet Ann follerin' him. It's

reight fair wearisome. If a body gets set daan for a bit ov a talk

ther's sure somebdy to come. What's browt yo two here at this time aw

should like to know?" "Whear's ta left thi fayther, Alick?"

"He's gooan to luk at some pigs aw believe. He said he'd be hooam i'

gooid time, an yo hadn't to get him onny drinkin' ready, for he'd have

some o' that cold broth."

"Then he's baan drinkin'! Aw know as weel as can be, for he allus taks

some wrang-heeaded noation when he's baan to get a bellyful o' ale. A'a!

It caps me what fowk can see i' gooin an makkin a swill tub o' ther

guts! If aw mud ha my mind ther shouldn't be a drop for onybody unless

they wor poorly! But whear's ta been, Harriet Ann? Aw thowt tha wor at

thi wark?"

"Shoo wod ha been but for me," sed Alick; "but aw chonced to meet her,

an as we'd a bit o' bizness we gate that done, an then we went on to

Jenny's, but th' door wor lockt, soa aw sed varry likely shoo'd be up

here, an it seems aw wor abaat reight, an aw persuaded Harriet Ann to

come up wi me, for it isn't fit weather for noa Christian to be aght

in."

"Come on an sit thee daan, Alick. Awm sooary to hear sich a bad accaant

on thee, but tha art better nor awr Harriet Ann, for shoo knows awm

behund wi mi rent, an shoo couldn't do but waste another day."

"Dooant yo bother yersen, Jenny, we've just com'd to keep yo company a

bit. Aw say, mother! dooant yo think yo've a drop o' summat short, 'at

yo could mak Harriet Ann a sup to keep her throo catchin' cowld?"

"Tha knows ther's nowt 'short' i' this haase nobbut a drop o' gin 'at's

kept o' purpose for thi fayther when he's th' backwark, but as it's

Harriet Ann awl mak her a little drop."

"A'a, aw cannot sup all that, Nanny, aw nobbut want a tooithful," sed

Harriet.

"Ther's happen somdy else wants th' cold keepin' aght as weel as thee,"

sed Jenny.

"Awve been hearin' some sad tales abaat thee Harriet Ann," sed Nanny.

"Awve allus thowt as mich o' thee as if tha wor one o' mi own, an' thi

mother's been tellin' me abaat some sad gooins on; but aw hooap 'at

tha'll allus remember 'at tha's coine ov a daycent stock, an awm sewer

yon gooid-for-nowt 'at's allus hankerin' after thee meeans thee noa

gooid. Bi all aw can hear he's a low-lived offal'd scamp, an' if tha

gets wed to him tha'll have to sup sorrow bi spooinsful."

"Dooant keep that gin all to thisen. Basta noa manners?" sed Jenny.

"Aw dooant know what yo're tawkin abaat," sed Harriet.

"Yi tha does; aw meean that chap 'at's reckonin' to cooart thee! When aw

wor thy age awd moor sense nor to believe ivvery lyin' lumpheead 'at

coom i' mi way, but lasses dooant seem to care who get's 'em nah. If

it's owt ith shape ov a felly it'll do."

"Why, awm sewer yo must be mistakken, Nanny, for ther's nubdy cooartin'

me."

"Nah it's noa gooid denyin' it 'coss awr Alick's here, for yo're both

ith same box! He's as big a fooil as thee! Net 'at awve owt ageean him

gettin' wed, net aw! Aw shall be rare an' glad to be shut on him, but aw

did think he'd have gumshun enuff to luk aght for somdy 'at wodn't

disgrace booath him an' all 'at belangs to him. But he Wor allus a

strackle brain, an' he will be till he's bowt his wit, an' it'll be

varry weel for him if he doesn't buy it too dear. But if he does wed a

trolly like her, he mun keep her, an' aw hooap he'll nivver let me see

her, that's all; for shoo shall nivver enter my door nor have a bite nor

a sup in a haase o' mine! Here, Harriet Ann, lass, taste o' this for awm

Sure tha luks as if tha'd do wi' summat."

"Aw dooant know what yo meean, mother," said Alick, "for awm sewer my

cooartin days is ovver."

"If aw thowt they wor aw should be th' happiest woman under th' sun, but

tha must ha dropt it varry suddenly."

"Well, it's true, an awl promise yo 'at awl nivver start agean till

ther's a death ith family."

"What wor aw tellin' thee, Jenny, before he come in? Isn't he a gooid

lad thinks ta? He'll nivver get wed wol his old mother's alive, he's too

mich sense."

"He's a lad to be praad on, Nanny; aw wish awr Harriet Ann could say

like him."

"Awl promise yo 'at awl nivver cooart agean whether ther's a deeath ith

family or net."

"You've booath turned varry gooid all ov a sudden, aw should like to

know what it all meeans?"

"It means nowt, mother, nobbut this-'at Harriet Ann an me thowt we could

be varry comfortable together, an soa we've getten wed this mornin'."

"Yo desarve to be horsewipt! Awm in a gooid mind to thresh thee Alick as

long as aw can bide to stand ovver thee! Had ta noa more sense nor' to

throw thisen away after a thing like Harriet Ann."

"Does ta meean ta tell me 'at tha'd noa more respect for thisen nor to

wed a haufthick like Alick. A'a, Harriet Ann, what wod thi fayther ha

sed if he'd been here?"

"Awr Alick's noa fooil Jenny I dooant thee say that. Yor Harriet Ann

knew what shoo wor dooin."

"Awr Harriet Ann's as gooid as yor Alick!"

"Well, awr Alick's as gooid as yor Harriet Ann!"

"Noa daat we're one as gooid as t'other, an as we're satisfied aw think

yo owt to be, an' here's yor varry gooid health," sed Alick, seizin hold

oth teah-pot to sup.

"Put that daan! Tha doesn't want onny teah!" sed Nanny.

"It's geoid teah is this; aw've monny a time ta'en a gooid swig aght o'

that teah-pot before to-day."

"O, soa that's where thi fayther's physic go as is it. Tha's allus been

a bad lad Alick, an' awve had to put up wi' thee, but dooant say owt

abaat th' teah-pot to thi fayther."

"It's ommost time mi fayther wor here, isn't it?"

"Well, aw dooant know ha yo can fashion to luk him ith face when he does

come, but it's done nah, so we shall have to mak th' best on it, but

awst niver forgie Harriet Ann for deceivin' me. Here's thi fayther! Nah

for it! Aw wish aw wor a thaasand mile away throo here this minit."

"Hallo! Are yo havin' a teah-drinkin'. What's to do, Jenny?"

"Nay, yo mun ax yor Nanny."

"What's up, Nanny lass?"

"Can't ta see what's up? Tha must be blind aw think or else druffen! Aw

could see what wor to do as sooin as aw dapt mi een on 'em! Awr Alick

an' Harriet Ann's gooan an getten wed, that's what's to do!"

"Why, an' a gradely pair they mak! Aw nivver thowt tha wor hawf sich a

judge ov a lass as tha's proved thisen. Aw allus sed aw thowt Harriet

Ann wor th' bonniest lass i' Yorksher. Awm soa suited wol awd ommost

forgetten awd th' backwark. Is there a drop o' gin i' that bottle,

Nanny?"

"Tha gets a deal more gin than does thee onny gooid, an aw think that

backwark is oft an excuse."

"Dooant lets have onny grumlin' o'th' weddin' day, for Alick's suited me

to nowt, an awm sewer shoo's th' lass awve heeard thee say tha could

like him to have."

"Awve nowt agean th' match 'at aw know on, nobbut they should ha been

content to wait a year or two. They're both on 'em sadly to young."

"Why, thee an' me started when we wor monny a year younger nor them. Awr

Alick wor born before tha wor as old as Harriet Ann. Awve wondered monny

a time if Alick wor iver baan to start.'

"Has ta noa moor sense nor to talk like that afoor bits o' childer. If

shoo's as mich bother wi' him as awve had wi' thee, shoo'l wish shoo'd

nivver set een on him."

"But whear do yo meean to live? Yo'll want a haase somewhear."

"We've takken yond little cottage 'at yo can see o'th' hill-side yonder,

an' we've getten a bit o' furniture into it for a start."

"Why, that's the varry haase aw allus sed aw should like to live in if

ivver awd to flit," sed Jenny.

"Well, yo can come as sooin as yo like an' keep for Harriet Ann company,

an' if yo'll nobbut behave yorsen awl buy yo a teah-pot like that o' mi

mother's, an' yo can have it oth hob end throo morn to neet."

"That's reight enuff Alick, but aw should ha been better satisfied if--

"That's what aw say Jenny, aw should ha been better satisfied if--

"Caar ye daan, an' let th' young ens alooan, for for like all old

wimmen, for hard to pleeas."

Ratcatchin'.

Ther's roguery i' ivvery trade but awrs, awve' heeard fowk say, an

"ivverybody's honest till they're fun aght." That white hen at' nivver

lays away hasn't been hatched yet. It taks all sooarts to mak a world an

aw suppooas if they wornt ratcatchers ther'd be summat short. Sam

Sniffle wor a karacter in his way, he seemed to have a bit ov a

smatterin' o' iverything, but what he professed to know th' mooast abaat

wor dogs an rats. Noa daat he had a bit o' knowledge, but what wor far

more sarviceable to him nor owt else wor a simple luk 'at he could put

on, an' a bit ov a lisp 'at he had, made him seem soa harmless an simple

'at yo wodn't believe it possible for him to do owt wrang. He worn't

varry big, but he wor varry wiry, an as full o' pluck as a gamcock.

Aw remember one neet as he wor gooin hooam (net becoss he thowt it wor

time, but becoss his brass wor done), he happened to hear a bobby comin'

as he turned th' street corner. It wor varry dark, soa he just stept

back an waited for him comin', an as sooin as his heead popt past th'

corner, he gave him what he called a cauf-knock an sent him sprawlin'

his whoal length ith middle oth rooad. He wor hardly daan befoor Sam ran

to help him up. "A'a! whativver's to do mister poleeceman?" he sed. "Are

yo hurt? Do tell me," an he helpt him up an began to wipe th' muck off

his clooas wi' his pocket hankerchy. Th' poleeceman turned his

bull's-eye onto his face, but nubdy could suspect Sam. "Did ta see it

done?" he axd. "Eea, aw saw it as fair as could be. It's a burnin' shame

'at sich like fowk cannot be stransported! it is act'ly. Awm sewer aw

could ommost roar mi een up when aw see onnybody ill used like that."

"Does ta think tha'd know him if tha'd to see him agean?" axd th' bobby.

"Awm sewer aw' could, an' th' furst time he passes me awl bring him up

to th' poleece office if aw have to wheel him in a barro." "Well, here's

a shillin' for helpin' me up, an be sewer an keep thi een oppen." "Nay,

nay, keep yor brass," sed Sam, "awm naoan one a' that sooart 'at wants

payin' for dooin a kindness 'at costs me nowt, but awl tak it, tho' awst

nivver have th' heart to spend it, but awm mich obleeged to yo, an aw

wish yo gooid neet, an hooap yo'll meet wi noa moor misfortunes." "Aw

hooap net, an' if they wor all like thee th' poleece ud have a easy time

on it." "Why, maister, if they wor all like me ther wodn't be onny

poleece, for aw havn't a heart i' mi belly big enuff for sich a job."

Sam left him, an th' furst public haase he coome to he went in an had a

rare spree wi' th' shillin', but when he coom aght, if onnybody'd met

him they'd ha been just as likely to think he'd been to a teetotal

meetin' an' signed th' pledge.

But if yo'd wanted to see him when he put on his varry simple smile, yo

should ha seen him when a lady browt him a pet dog 'at wor poorly. He

wor noated far an wide as a dog doctor, an ladies used to come throo all

pairts wi ther pet's to ax Sam's advice. Hahivver ugly a little brute

chonced to be brawt, Sam had his nomony ready. "A'a, that is a little

beauty, mum, aw havn't seen one like that, mum, aw can't say when, mum.

Aw dooant think yo'd like to pairt wi' it mum?"

"Oh, no! I would not part with it for its weight in gold I It's such a

faithful little dear!"

"Awm sewer on it, mum, yo can see it in it. It's the varry picture o'

faithfulishness. If yo leeav it wi' me it'll be weel takken care on,

mum. An what name might yo call it, mum?"

"We call it Lion."

"That's just th' name for a little pet like this, it is fer sewer."

"What do you think is the matter with the little darling?"

Then Sam ud tak it in his hands, an after strokin' it an smellin' at its

breath, he'd give it a nip 'at ud mak it yelp aght ten thaasand murders,

then he'd shake his heead an say, "Aw thowt what wor th' matter as sooin

as aw saw it, mum; yo see it's soa varry tender it can hardly bide

touchin'. It's sufferin wi' enflimashun ov its liver. It's a strange

thing, but it's a disease 'at's gooin abaat amang dogs just at present.

Ther's monny a scoor dee ivvery wick, for yo see ther's net monny 'at

know hah to doctor 'em for it. It's a pratty little thing. It'll have to

have some castor hoil an a paather, mum. Aw think aw can cure it in a

wick, mum."

"Well, then, I must leave it with you, and be sure to treat the little

thing kindly."

"Kindly! Why, mum, awd give it th' bit aght o' mi maath. It owt to have

some warm milk an a paather th' furst thing, but aw dooant happen to

have onny ith haase, an my lad willn't be hooam befoor dark, an it's

been awr rent day to-day, but as sooin: as ivver he comes wi his wage

awl get it some, tho' it's a pity, poor thing, 'at it connot have it

nah, but yo see aw didn't know 'at it wor comin'."

After this speech he wor sewer to get a shillin', an sometimes

hauf-a-craan, an as he nivver reckoned owt off his doctor's bill, he

called that "extra bunce."

As sooin as shoo'd getten nicely aght oth gate he'd give it a claat oth

side oth heead, to let it know at th' beginnin' what it might expect if

it didn't behave, an then he'd tak it into th' cellar an tee some band

raand it neck an festen it to th' wall, an throw it a bit o' strea to

lig on, an after chuckin' it a crust o' breead an' givin' it some

watter, he'd leeav it tellin' it 'at as sooin as it had browt its

stummack daan to that it ud noa daat feel better. It ud be pratty sewer

to freat a bit but Sam ud tak noa noatice wol th' next day, an when he

went to luk at it, if he fan th' breead an waiter untouched he'd leeav

it agean. Abaht th' third day he says they generally begin to nibble a

bit, an as sooin as he saw that he used to give 'em a bit o' sop or

summat, but he took gooid care net to give 'em too mich. Bi th' end oth

wick they wor cured, an' he used to wesh 'em an cooam 'em, an tee a bit

a blue ribbon raand ther neck, an' tak 'em hooam, an' when ther

mistresses saw 'em jumpin' an' caperin' abaat, an ommost fit to ait th'

fire iron's, they paid him what he charged withaat a word, an gave him

credit for being th' best dog doctor ith country.

He made a gooid deal o' brass i' that way, but that didn't pay him as

weel as ratcatchin'. Ther wor nivver onnybody could equal Sam at catch

in' a rat, for he wor nivver known to fail. At all th' big haases ith

district he wor as weel known! as th' pooastman. He's gien up th' trade

nah, or else aw wodn't let yo into th' saycret. This is th' way he used

to do. Th' cooachman or th' buttler throo Some hall wod come to tell Sam

'at he wor wanted as sooin as ivver he could spare time, to goa up to

th' hall to catch a rat 'at one oth sarvents had seen ith pantry, for

they wor all soa freetened 'at they darn't goa in.

Sam wod promise to be up directly, an he'd put a net into his coit

pocket, an a two-o-three breead crumbs in a bit o' paper, an a rat,

ommost as big as a kittlin, but withaat a tooith in its heead, into his

inside brast pocket, an then he'd set off. When he gate thear all th'

sarvent lasses ud cluther raand him an tell him whear th' rat had been

seen an all particulars. "Well, they're a nasty thing to have abaat a

haase, an a varry dangerous thing; but awl do mi best to catch it if

yo'll give me a sup o' ale if yo have it, an if net, pooarter'll do. Aw

want it to mix up summat to tice it aght." They seldom browt less nor a

quairt, an after takkin abaat a thimbleful to mix up his breead crumbs,

he swallow'd t'other for fear on it bein wasted. Then he'd tak a cannel

an goa to whear th' rat had been last seen, an all th' lasses followin

at a distance. After puttin his bait on th' floor an th' cannel ith far

corner, he'd begin chirpin an huntin under th' barrels an all abaat to

see if ther wor a rat, but as he seldom fan one, when he thowt he'd

carried it on long enuff, he'd set up a gurt shaat, "It's here! it's

here!" an pawse th' cannel ovver with his fooit, an as they couldn't

tell where it might be they all flew off skrikin, leavin' Sam to quietly

pool his "owd forrester," as he called him, aght ov his pocket an lap it

up ith net an come aght holdin' it at arms' length. Then away went th'

haasekeeper to tell th' mistress, an th' mistress to tell th' maister,

an in a varry few minits ivverybody abaat th' place wor ith kitchen,

standin in a ring wi Sam an th' rat ith middle. Sam wor a hero just

then, but to luk at his face yo'd fancy he hadn't sense enuff to know

it. Ov coorse ther wor nowt to gooid for Sam after that, an he'd allus

as mich to ait an drink as he could tuck into him an a hauf-a-craan

beside. Aw dooant know hah monny times he catched that rat, but aw do

know 'at he catched it three times i' one haase, an he tell'd me he made

as mich brass on it as monnya chap could mak wi a horse an cart. He'd a

deeal more queer tricks, but as he gate older he gave it up, for he said

it wor all vanity; an as he wanted to settle daan an leead a quiet life,

he tuk a beershop, an nah he amuses hiss en an his customers wi sittin'

at th' end oth langsettle an tellin' his experience, an if one hawf o'

what he says is true, when he dees he owt to be put under a glass shade

an stuck ith Halifax museum.

Owd Moorcock.

It's monny a long year sin what awm gooin to tell tuk place, but aw

remember it as weel as if it wor yesterday. He wor a queer sooart ov a

chap, wor owd Drake, an although some laft at him, an considered him an

oddity, ther wor a gooid deeal moor 'at believed him to be a born

genius. He wor a cobbler bi trade, an a varry gooid cobbler too, tho'

he'd nivver sarved his time to it; an altho' he'd had two or three gooid

chonces o' startin' business ith' taan, yet he allus shook his heead, an

sed he'd rayther goa on as he wor a bit longer. Th' fact wor he loved

his liberty, an he'd getten a noashun 'at if he left his little hooam i'

th' country, he'd leeav his freedom wi it. An it's hardly to be wondered

at, for his snug cot lukt th' pictur' o' comfort. It wor a one-stooary

buildin' wi a straw thack, an all th' walls wor covered wi honeysuckle

an' jessamine, an th' windows could hardly be seen for th' green leaves

'at hung as a veil i' th' front on 'em. Stooan-crop an haaseleek had

takken up a hooam i' th' gutter, an th' chimley wor ommost hid wi ivy.

It wor a queer-shaped place altogether--all nucks an corners--But it

wor just what suited David. They called him David Drake, tho' he wor

known best as Owd Moorcock. I' th' front wor a nice bit o' garden, allus

kept trim, an seldom withaat a show o' bloom o' one sooart or another;

an away to one side wor what he called his farm--a bit o' land abaat ten

yards wide, an twenty long--whear he grew his cabbages an puttates an

sich like; an all araand for miles wor moorland covered wi heather, an

stockt wi game, except at th' back ov his cot, whear a bluff-lukkin hill

sprang ommost straight up, makkin' a stranger feel afeeard lest it

should tak a fancy to topple over an' bury booath th' cot an all in it.

But if th' aghtside wor curious, th' inside wor a deal moor soa; an it

wornt to be wondered at if a gooid monny fowk paid David a visit when

they'd hauf a day to spare. He'd a wife--geniuses generally manage to

get a wife if they get nowt else, an it isn't allus 'at they mak th'

wisest choice; but David mud ha done war, for Dolly-o'-Dick's-o'-th'-

Dike, as shoo wor called, wor as queer a customer as her husband, an if

we're to believe what shoo says, if it hadn't ha been for her, Dave wod

ha been a poor lost craytur. Shoo didn't appreciate his genius that's

true, but wives as a rule niver do; but shoo let him have his own way,

an sometimes, when her wark wor done, shoo'd even help him wi some of

his fooilery. Aw'd heeard a gooid deal abaat 'em, soa one day aw

detarmined aw'd pay 'em a visit, soa, after gettin' off at th' Copley

Station, aw started to climb a rough, steep loin, moor like th' bed of a

beck nor owt else, but trees o' awther side hung over wol they met at

th' top, an made a cooil shade 'at wor varry welcome, for aw wor ommost

sweltered. After a long scramel aw fan misen o Norland Moor--an it wor a

seet worth tewing for, for th' heather wor i' bloom, an it lukt as if a

purple carpet had been laid for th' buzzards an bees to frolic on; an

ther wor sich a hum raand wol it saanded as if they wor playin' bass to

th' skylarks 'at wor warblin' up aboon. Aw struck aght in as straight a

line as aw could for David's, an havin come to th' garden gate, aw stopt

a minnit to admire th' flaars 'at covered th' graand an th' walls, an

even stretched far onto th' thack. Aw hadn't stood long when a voice

claise to my ear sed--

"Might yo be lukkin' for somdy?"

"Are yo Mistress Drake?" aw axed.

"Eea, aw believe aw am; but what might yo be wantin'? If yo've owt to

sell yo've comed to th' wrang shop, for brass is varry scarce here?"

"Aw've nobbut comed to see yor maister," aw sed; "is he in?"

"Nay, he isn't, an aw dooant know whear yo'll find him, for aw've niver

met him yet; but if it's awr Dave yo meean, he's inside, soa yo can walk

forrad, an if it's onny shoes yo want mendin', aw can see to that as

weel as him, for he's reckonin' to be thrang this afternoon?"

"Aw've nobbut come to have a bit o' tawk," aw sed.

"Oh, if that's all yo can come in; there's a deeal moor fowk come to

tawk to him nor what brings him any wark; but it's happen as weel, for

if it worn't for me bein' allus naggin' at him, he'd nivver get done th'

bit he does; an as it is, he's hammerin' away when he owt to be i' bed,

an' keepin' ivverybody else wakken; but aw've tried to taich him sense

wol aw'm fair stall'd, soa he mun goa his own gate an tak th'

consequences. Come yor ways; we's find him i' th' far raam makkin marks

an' spoilin' cleean paper."

We went up a narrow passage, an as th' door wor oppen aw'd a gooid luk

at David an his raam befoor he saw me. It wor a varry little place, wi a

varry little winder, an hardly heigh enuff for a chap to stand up in,

and all th' walls wor covered wi picturs, an he wor set cloise to th'

winder hard at wark at another. He wor a short, fat

gooid-tempered-lukkin chap, wi a bald heead an just a bit o' white hair

hingin' daan like a fringe all raand, an his cheeks wor as red as a ripe

apple, an his hands, brooad an braan, show'd they'd had to face booath

wark an weather. As Dolly went in he lukt up an saw me.

"Come in," he sed, "come in do, it's varry whut, sit yo daan. Whativer

browt ye up here to-day? Why, yo'll be ommost melted. Can yo sup some

buttermilk?" An he filled a glass 'at stood o' th' table, an handed it

to me. Aw swollered it, an then aw sed, "Aw thowt as aw'd a bit o' spare

time awd just come up an mak yor acquaintance, for awve heeard a gooid

deeal abaat yo, an happen yo'll nooan think onny war o' me for comin' bi

misel'."

"Tha's done reight to come, lad; aw'm allus glad to see anybody pop in.

Aw wor just thrang makkin marks, as awr Dolly calls it, but, as awd

nivver onybody to taich me, awm feeared aw havn't getten th' reight way

o' gooin abaat it yet. Yo see all theeas picturs? Well, yo'll not think

mich on 'em, but sich as they are, they please me, an they niver ait

owt."

"An what are ta shappin at nah?" sed Dolly.

"This is to be th' erupshun o' Maant Vesuvius."

"Why, what is it eruptin' for?" sed Dolly. "Aw guess it's like thee,

it's nowt better to do? Is that th' reason tha's put so mich brimston'

colour abaat it? Ther's nowt better nor brimston' an traitle for curin'

erupshuns."

"Dolly, aw've tell'd thee for aboon twenty year 'at tha's noa taste

nobbut for summut to ait, an yond lad tak's after thee. Aw'd allus a

fancy for my lad to be an artist," he sed, turnin' to me, "but he seems

to care moor abaat hawkin' bits o' garden stuff; but then we am't all

born alike, an aw made up mi mind nivver to try to foorce him to owt 'at

he'd noa hankerin' after, for if aw'd had two trades to pick aght on, an

one on 'em had been cobblin, awst ha takken t'other whativver it had

been; but aw could ha liked mi lad to ha been summut better, for aw gave

him a gooid name when he wor kursened; but yo cannot order theeas things

as yo wod."

"Noa; an it's a gooid job yo cannot, for aw've quite enuff to put up wi

to have thee messin' abaat as tha does; but aw know varry weel that lad

wod ha been a painter if tha'd had patience to taich him. But whear's

that pictur' he did paint? Tha'rt fond enuff o' shewin' thi own wark;

let's luk at somdy's else."

"He nivver tried his hand but once, an it wor this," he sed, as he'

pooled one aght o' th' corner, "an when he showed it me aw'd to luk at

it for a long time befoor aw could tell what to mak on it, but at last

aw decided it wor a camel; but he wor soa mad 'at he sed he'd nivver

paint another so long as he lived, for it wor a drake. Soa, to prevent

onybody else makkin sich another mistak, aw've written on th' bottom'

This is a drake."

"Tha can say what tha likes, David, but hawf a bad en, an if yo can

nobbut catch leets, aw'm sewer ther's monny a thing less like a drake

nor that. Dooant yo think soa?" shoo sed, turnin' to me.

Aw sed aw thowt soa, too: an then David axed me to goa into his study,

"For yo mun know," he sed, "aw've a study, an a studio, an a museum, an

a wild beast show i, this haase, as little as it is."

He led the way into another raam abaat as big as that we'd left, an

showed me a row o' shelves filled wi books, an a little table covered wi

papers; an aw tell'd him aw thowt he wor quite a literary sooart ov a

chap.

"Why," he sed, "aw've allus been fond o' readin' sin aw wor a bit ov a

lad, an sometimes aw string a line or two together 'at jingles varry

nicely, an two or three times aw've had some printed i'th' papers. Mun,

it's varry nice to be able to sit daan an eease yor mind wi writin' a

bit, even if nubdy reads it. That lad o' mine cares nowt abaat it; aw

wish he did, for aw believe if he'd takken to study he'd ha been a

wonder, for he's a rare heead--it tak's a hat ommost as big as a

coil-skep to fit it. Aw gate him to try one time, an he wor a whole day

i' gettin' theeas four lines, aw allus keep 'em by me, for aw know he'll

nivver write ony moor.":--

'Aw once wor lost on Norland Moor,

An' if aw'd ne'er been fun,

Mooast likely aw'st a been thear yet,

An nah mi tale is done.'

"Tha'rt varry fond o' runnin daan them 'at belangs to thee," sed Dolly,

"an to hear thee tawk fowk ud think he could nivver do owt reight; but

if that isn't poetry, aw should like to know what is, for awm sewer

ther's a deeal more common sense in it nor ther is i' lots o' thine. But

thear he is gooin past th' winder, an he knows ther isn't a drop o'

watter i' th' haase, an aw can't bide to fotch ony. If he's like his

fayther i' nowt else he is i' leavin' ivverything for me to do; but

aw'll let him see different!" an throwing th' winder oppen, shoo yell'd

aght, "Rubensrembrandtvandyke Drake! Tha'll come in this minit, or else

aw'll warm thee!" An away shoo flew aght.

"Whativver made yo call him sich a name as that?" aw axed.

"Why, aw'd a fancy he'd be a cliver chap if he lived, an soa aw gave him

a cliver name; but if aw had it to do nah, aw think summat less wad ha

to fit him. But let's have a luk at th' museum."

"Aw should like to hear one o' yor pieces," aw sed, "if yo'd be soa

gooid as to reead one."

If that'll suit thee, aw'll reead one, an welcome. Ther's one here 'at

aw wor felterin' mi brain wi' last neet:

'Aw'm havin' a smook bi misel',

Net a soul here to spaik a word to,

Aw've noa gossip to hear nor to tell,

An ther's nowt I feel anxious to do.

Aw've noa noashun o' writin' a line,

Tho' aw've jist dipt mi pen into th' ink,

Towards wor kin aw don't mich incline,

An aw'm ommost to lazy to think.

Aw've noa riches to mak me feel vain,

An yet aw've as mich as aw need;

Aw've noa sickness to cause me a pain,

An noa troubles to mak mi heart bleed,

Awr Dolly's crept off to her bed,

An aw hear shoo's beginnin' to snoor;

(That upset me when furst we wor wed,

But nah it disturbs me noa moor.)

Like me, shoo taks things as they come,

Makkin th' best o' what falls to her lot,

Shoo's content wi her own humble hooam,

For her world's i' this snug little cot.

We know 'at we're both growin' old,

But Time's traces we hardly can see;

An tho' fifty years o'er us have roll'd,

Shoo's still th same young Dolly to me.

Her face may be wrinkled an grey,

An her een may be losin' ther shine,

But her heart's just as leetsum to-day

As it wor when aw first made her mine.

Aw've mi hobbies to keep mi i' toit,

Aw've noa whistle nor bell to obey,

Aw've mi wark when aw like to goa to it,

An mi time's all mi own, neet an day.

An tho' some pass mi by wi a sneer,

An some pity mi lowly estate,

Aw think aw've a deealless to fear

Nor them 'at's soa wealthy an great.

When th' sky stretches aght blue an breet,

An th' heather's i' blossom all raand,

Makkin th' mornin's cooi! breezes smell sweet,

As they rustle along ovver th' graand.

When aw listen to th' lark as he sings

Far aboon, ommost lost to mi view,

Aw lang for a pair ov his wings,

To fly wi him, an sing like him, too.

When aw sit under th' shade ov a tree,

Wi mi book, or mi pipe, or mi pen,

Aw think them 'at's sooary for me

Had far better pitty thersen.

When wintry storms howl ovver th' moor,

An snow covers all, far an wide,

Aw carefully festen mi door,

An creep claise up to th' fire inside.

A basin o' porridge may be,

To some a despisable dish,

But it allus comes welcome to me,

If aw've nobbut as mich as aw wish

Mi cloas are old-fashioned, they say,

An aw havn't a daat but it's true;

Yet they answer ther purpose to-day

Just as weel as if th' fashion wor new.

Let them 'at think joys nobbut dwell

Wheear riches are piled up i' stoor,

Try to get a gooid share for thersel',

But leave me mi snug cot up o' th' moor

Mi 'bacca's all done, soa aw'll creep

Off to bed, just as quiet as a maase

For if Dolly's disturbed ov her sleep,

Ther'n be a fine racket i' th' haase.

Aw mun keep th' band i' th' nick if aw can,

For if shoo gets her temper once crost,

All comforts an joys aw may plan

Is just soa mich labour 'at's lost.

"Weel, aw call that a varry nice piece; an if yo're aullus soa

contented, yo must have a happy time on it."

"Awm happy enuff as things goa, an aw dar say aw'm as contented as th'

mooast; but it isn't allus safe to judge ov a chap bi what he writes,

for fowk often pen what they'd like things to be nor what they find 'em

to be."

He led th' way into another raam 'at wor filled wi boxes full o'

butterflies, an buzzards, an twitch clocks, an rare an praad he wor on

'em; an then he showed me what he called his wild beeasts, but they wor

tame enuff, for they wor nowt but catterpillers, but aw believe ther wor

thaasands on 'em, all alive an feedin o' one sooart o' stuff or another;

an he tell'd me they ait a barraload o' greens ivvery day. He said he

kept 'em till they come into butterflies, an then he cured 'em an sent

'em away to London an sometimes to Paris. Th' year befoor he sent 15,000

to one man. "Soa, yo see, awm a butterfly merchant as weel as a

cobbler," he sed.

As we wor lukkin at 'em Dolly coom up to tell us we'd better goa to us

drinkin' if we wanted ony, for, as Rubensrembrantvandyke had started,

ther'd varry sooin be nooan left. We tuk her advice, an awm thankful to

say ther wor plenty for us all, an when we'd finished we went an sat ith

garden, an David filled his pipe an sed if awd noa objections he'd tell

me hah it happened 'at he coom to live oth moor, an th' reason fowk

called him Owd Moorcock. Aw sed nowt could suit me better, soa he began.

"Yo mun know," sed David, "'at befoor aw gate wed an coom to live here,

aw lived in a little haase in a fold cloise to Halifax Parish

Church,--it isn't thear nah, for it's been pool'd daan to mak way for

improvements o' differernt sooarts,--an awd an idea at that time 'at aw

should like to live thear all mi life, an awd noa thowts aw should iver

get wed."

"Its a pity tha ivver altered thi mind," said Dolly.

"Well, happen soa,--but let me tell mi tale i' mi awn way an it'll be

finished soa mich sooiner. One Setterdy aw donn'd misen up i' mi Sundy

clooas an went for a walk throo th' market, an when aw coom to th'

butter-cross aw saw a chap 'at had a cock an two hens in a basket for

sale, an he offered 'em to me for ten shillin'. 'Ten fiddlesticks!' aw

sed, 'awl gie thee five,' an he put on a luk as if awd stab'd him to th'

heart, an begun tellin' me hah mich they'd cost him, an 'at he'd nivver

ha tried to sell 'em but he wor behund wi his rent, an wor foorced to

pairt wi 'em to keep th' bums aght, an he assured me they wor layin'

ivvery day. But th' fact wor, aw didn't want 'em at onny price, for aw'd

noa place to put 'em, an aw tell'd him soa. 'Well,' he sed, 'gie me

three hawf craans an tha shall have 'em, for aw think tha'll luk weel

after 'em an aw wodn't like 'em to be ooined.' 'Nay,' aw sed, 'aw weant

gie aboon five shillin', for awm nooan i' want on 'em.' 'If tha weant,

tha weant,' he sed, soa that settles it, but awd rayther let th' bums

tak away nearly ivvery stick aght o'th' haase nor awd take a farden less

nor seven shillin'; that's th' lowest aw ivver will tak, an if tha

doesn't buy'em at that price tha'll rue, for tha'll niver have sich a

chonce ageean.' 'Well, then, awst be like to rue,' aw sed, 'for aw weant

gie thee a hawpny moor nor five shilin'.' 'Tha'rt a hard un,' he sed,

'but If tha'll promise me tha'll treat 'em weel, an at tha'll nivver

tell anybody what tha's gien for 'em, tha shall have 'em for six

shillin'; nah, tha cannot say noa to that. Two hens an' a cock! Why it's

nobbut two shillin' a-piece, an they're as cheap as muck at hawf a

sovrin' aw think tha doesn't understand th' hen trade. Awm fair sham'd

to offer' em at sich a price, an awm sewer aw hardly dar goa hooam wi

th' brass." 'Nay,' aw sed, 'one word's just as gooid as a thaasand wi

me, an awl stick to what aw sed, an if yo like to tak five shillin' awl

buy' em, an if net yo can keep' em.' 'Tak' em wi thee,' he sed; soa aw

pottered aght five shillin', an he began bawlin' 'Sowld agean' an aw had

'em under mi arms ommost afoor aw knew what aw wor dooin, an as aw wor

walkin' away he pool'd me to one side to luk at another basketful.

'Nah,' he sed, 'yo'd better buy theeas, yo can have 'em at th' same

price, an they're better nor them. Wod yo like a two-or-three ducks or a

couple o' pigeons?' 'Aw want noa moor to-day,' aw sed, 'but awst like to

know if all theeas belang to yo?' 'All tha sees i' this row belangs to

me,' he sed, 'an if tha wants onny tha'll finnd me here ivery Setterdy,

an awl sell thee owt aw have at thi own price,' 'Well aw should think

yo'll be able to keep th' bums off if yo sell all them,' aw sed, an aw

started for hooam, but somehah aw didn't feel just as weel suited wi mi

bargain as aw thowt aw should, an aw wor bothered aboon a bit wi

wonderin' whear to put 'em, for awd noa room for 'em nobbut ith cellar,

an that wor as dark as a booit, but, hahivver, aw thowt they'd be a bit

o' company for me, for aw wor oft varry looansome, an aw should be able

to have a fresh egg for mi braikfast whenivver aw liked. As sooin as aw

gate hooam aw lit a cannel an went into th' cellar, takkin care to shut

th' door after me, an then aw unteed ther legs an set 'em at liberty.

They worn't a varry prime lot, but aw didn't care for that, for it wor

th' eggs aw wanted. Th' cock gave hissen a shak, an set up sich a

cock-a-doodle-doo wol aw wor ommost deeafened--aw nivver heeard sich a

voice i' mi life--if he'd been trained he'd ha been a rare leeader for a

rorytory--an wol aw wor wonderin' if it ud be safe to leeav 'em as they

wor wol aw went to fotch 'em some screenins, one oth hens flew onto th'

shelf whear aw kept all mi jock an stuff. 'That'll niver do,' aw thowt,

soa aw went towards it to tak it off, when th' cock tried to foller, an

wafted th' cannel aght wi his wings an let fair at th' top o' my heead,

so aw grabbed at th' shelf to steady misen, when daan it coom wi all th'

plates an pots, an sich a clatter an crash yo'd ha thowt th' haase had

tummeld. Th' milk wor all spilt, an th' breead an cheese wor rollin'

amang th' coils, an a bowl o' broth had emptied itsen onto th' front o'

mi clean shirt, an aw wor sylin weet throo mi neck to mi feet. Th' hens

wor chuckin' i' different corners, an th' cock started crowin' laader bi

th' hawff, an aw tried mi best to groap mi way up th' steps into th'

haase. Aw managed at last, an if yo could ha seen me as' aw lukt just

then, yo'd ha believed aw should niver be able 'to get cleean agean. Mi

heead wor covered wi mail, an mi clooas wor sooaked wi broth an

ornamented wi bits o' chopt carrots, an turnips, an onion skins, an hawf

a pund o' butter wor stickin' to one booit heel an pairt ov a suet

dumplin' to t'other, an as aw wor standin' wonderin' which end to begin

at to set things straight, a young woman 'at lived next door coom in to

ax me if awd been buyin' some hens, for shoo'd heeard th' cock crowin',

an when shoo saw me i' sich a pickle shoo held up her hands an skriked

as if awd getten mi throit cut. 'Whativver has ta been dooin?' shoo sed.

'Tha'rt fair flaysum to luk at.' Shut th' door, Dorothy,' aw sed, 'an

come in an see if yo can help me aght o' this mess;' soa she put th'

door to, an aw tell'd her all hah it had happened. 'Why,' shoo sed, 'tha

mun tak all thi clooase off, for they'll have to goa into th'

tub-ther'll nowt ivver get that greeas off but bailin' watter an weshin

licker; goa upstairs an get 'em all off an fling 'em daan to me, an awl

see if aw can do owt wi 'em.' 'Awl pay yo whativver yo charge,' aw sed,

'an if aw dooant screw yond cock an hens' necks raand it'll be becoss

awve changed mi mind!' 'O tha'll manage weel enuff wi 'em after this,'

shoo sed, 'tha knows th' hen trade is like ivverything else, it wants

sombdy 'at understands it; but that cock's a rare voice; is it a young

un? Sithee, th' childer's standin' ith middle oth yard wonderin' wheal

th' noise comes throo.'

Aw went up stairs an tuk off all mi clooas an threw' em daan to

Dorothy, an a grand lot they lukt, an awd just pool'd on mi warty

britches when shoo called aght, 'David, David! I come this minnit! Th'

childer's oppend th' cellar winder an letten th' cock aght!' Daan stairs

aw flew withaat stoppin' to festen mi gallowses or put mi booits on, an

as sooin as aw went aght th' lads set up a shaat an th' cock flew into a

chamber winder at t'other side o' th' yard. Th' naybors all coom runnin'

aght, an Dorothy foller'd me wi mi clooas tukt under her arm, an a shirt

sleeve an a britches slop trailin' behund her. Aw ran into th' haase

after th' cock, an' withaat spaikin a word to Sam or his dowter, 'at wor

just at ther dinner, aw baanced upstairs and shut th' winder to mak sure

'at it couldn't get aght, an then aw called aght, 'It's nobbut me, Sam,

my new cock's flown into your window, an awve coom'd for it, wi ta help

me to catch it?' 'Why, has ta nobbut just getten aght o' bed? Aw think

it ud seem thee better to put thi clooas on befoor tha cooms runnin'

into a body's haase this fashion, scarin' ivverybbody aght o' ther

wits.'

'Yo mun excuse me this time,' aw sed, 'its noa fault o' mine. Come an

help me to catch this chap.' Soa they booath coom up, but that cock had

made up his mind net to be catched, an he'd peearkt up fair at top oth

bed heead, an he set up another crow wi as mich impudence as if he'd

been on his own middin. Sam made a grab at it, an it flew to th'

winder-bottom, upsettin two plant-pots, an we all made a rush for it,

but it slipt past an swept all th' chany ornaments off th' mantel-shelf

an made a dive at th' chimley, an away it went aght oth seet. Th' lass

skrikt wi all her might, an Sam shaated, an aw made as mich din as aw

could tryin' to keep 'em quiet, an th' cock screamed ith chimley wor nor

a railway whistle. Bi this time ther wor a craad o' thirty or forty fowk

aghtside, an they wor callin aght for th' police, for they seemed to

think ther wor one or two gettin' murdered at least, an things began to

luk serious. 'Tha'll have a bonny penny to pay for this,' sed Sam. 'Ha

can ta feshun? Just luk at all them ornaments brokken to bits, an th'

plants an stuff destroyed! Tak that cock aght oth chimley an get aght o'

here as sharp as tha can, an nivver let me see thee nor owt belangin to

thee agean!' Aw sed nowt, for aw saw he wor riled, an aw didn't wonder

at it, soa aw put mi hand up th' flue, an aw could feel its legs, but it

seemed to be wedged fast. 'It's here,' aw sed, 'but awm feeard aw can't

get it withaat hurtin' it.'

'Ger aght oth gate,' he sed, 'aw care nowt abaat hurtin' it! Awl stir

it, or else awl rive it's legs off!' an he shov'd his arm up, an daan it

coom an browt all th' sooit wi it, an flapt it into us faces wol we wor

ommost smoored.

Aw seized hoid oth burd an made th' best o' my way aghtside, an as

sooin as aw showed mi face ther wor a reglar yell, an they all

squandered to let me pass. Th' chaps had getten pooakers an tangs, an

th' wimmen wor armed wi umbrellas an tooastin forks, an then aw turned

raand an axed 'em whot ther wor to do. Just then Sam an his dowter coom

aght, an when they saw me ommost undrest, wi mi face grimed wi sooit an

mi heead whitened wi mail, an Sam an his lass lukkin varry little

better, it set some oth chaps laffin, an aw went inside an festened th'

door, an puffin' an blowin' like a brokken-winded horse, aw sat daan

convinced 'at that chap wor reight when he sed aw knew nowt abaat th'

hen trade.

But th' noise aghtslde gate laader, an th' wimmen's voices wor raised

to th' screamin' pitch, soa aw ventured to luk aght, an' thear wor poor

Dorothy ith middle ov a duzzen wimmen 'at wor shakkin ther umbrellas an

tooastin forks ovver her heead, wol one on em wor holdin' up mi Sundy

shirt, an other two wor tryin' to divide mi breeches between 'em, an

ther wor sich a hullaballoo as yo nivver heeard. 'Tha's war nor him bi

th' hawf!' sed one. 'What business as shoo wi his dooas under her arm,

aw should like to know. It's a disgrace to ivvery woman ith fold, that's

what it is!' sed another; an aw began to see 'at that cock had been th'

meeans o' gettin' her into trouble as well as me.

Aw thowt th' best thing aw could do wor to leeave 'em to settle it

amang thersen, soa aw went an gate weshed an donned, an it seems bi th'

time aw wor ready to goa aght they'd managed to get hold oth reight end

oth tale, an aw wor met wi a shaat o' laffin throo th' men, an even th'

wimmen smiled, tho' some on 'em shook ther heeads in a mysterious sooart

ov a way, as mich as to gie me to understand 'at they'd let me off that

once, but if awd onny desire to keep ther gooid opinion awd better net

get into another scrape oth same sooart. Aw knew they threw a gooid deal

o' blame onto poor Dorothy, an aw wor varry sooary it wor soa, for shoo

wor a nice quiet young woman, an tewed hard to keep hersen respectable,

an noabdy hed a word to say agean her, nobbut shoo kept a tom-cat 'at

worn't partiklar whooas dish he put his nooas in.

Aw nivver went near them hens agean wol Mundy mornin'. Aw knew they wor

in a land flowing wi broth an breead, but ther wor noa fear on me

forgettin' 'em, for that cock crowed wol he wor hooarse. Ther wornt one

chap i' that fold 'at worn't up i' time for his wark o' Mundy mornin',

an as for misen awd hardly a wink o' sleep all th' neet.

Aw wor foorced to stop in all th' day o' Sundy, becoss o' mi clooas

bein' at Dorothy's, an when Mundy coom aw went daan ith cellar an cut'

em all their heeads off, an detarmined to cook 'em all three an invite

th' wimmen to ther drinkin', an see if aw couldn't mak things pleasant

ageean. Aw saw a nay bar hingin' up some clooas, soa aw tell'd her what

aw intended to do, an awd noa need to mention it to onnybody else, for

th' news hed flown to ivvery haase i' less nor five minnits.

Dorothy browt me mi clooas back o' Tuesdy, an they luk'd ommost as

gooid as new, an aw invited' em all to ther drinkin' for Fridy neet, an

then aw went an bowt two pot dogs an a stag for Sam's dowter, an aw wor

luk'd on as th' king oth fold. It wor a varry little haase for abaat

twenty fowk, but aw cleared all aght, an put tables ith middle an cheers

raand th' sides, an contrived raam for 'em all. Aw dooant think yo ivver

hed onny experience i' cookin' for yorsen, nivver name cookin' for other

fowk, but aw considered misen a varry gooid hand, an aw can assure yo

when aw stewed them hens an rooasted th' cock, an boiled some puttates,

an made a pile o' tooast, an some strong teah flavored wi rum, 'at it

wor a set aght net to be despised.

All wor ready an promised for a success, an aw could see th' wimmen

bobbin' aght o' one door into another wi ther new caps on, an aw saw bi

th' clock 'at it nobbut wanted a quarter ov an haar befoor they'd be all

thear, sea aw tuk a can an went to th' pump for some clean watter, so as

we could keep th' kettle filled up, an aw left th' door oppen. Aw wornt

aboon a minnit away, but as aw wor comin' back, what should aw see but

that tom-cat o' Dorothy's comin' aght oth door wi abaat hawf a hen in

his maath. Away it ran hooam an me after it; net 'at aw cared soa mich

abaat th' loss oth mait, for aw knew we should hey enuff, but aw wor mad

to think 'at after all mi trouble to cook it aw should be served i' sich

a way.

Dorothy wor upstairs, an away it went to her, but aw didn't foller, for

awd net forgetten th' bother awd been in at Sam's; but wimmen's all

alike, they can nivver keep ther maath shut, an noa sooiner did shoo see

it nor shoo set up a screeam an, ov coarse, that wor th' signal for

ivvery woman ith fold to fly aght, for they wor all set waitin' for th'

time for ther drinkin'. 'Ger aght wi thee! Tha nasty thief!' shoo sed,

an aw could hear her chasin' it raand an raand, singin' aght, 'Ha can ta

fashion, tha nasty gooid-fer-nowt? Awl hey thee hung for it befoor

tha'rt a day older!' Daanstairs it coom ageean, an aw oppen'd th' door

an ran it aght, an as aw foller'd it th' wimmen rushed past me in a body

an all cried aght at once, 'What's he been dooin to thee, Dorothy? Shame

on him!' Aw went into mi awn haase, an left Dorothy to mak what

explanation shoo thowt best, for aw felt sewer aw should mak matters war

if aw stopt. Aw dooant know what shoo sed, but they sooin all coom in

laffiin an tawkin, tho' nah an then throwin' aght a sly hint at Dorothy

an me, but aw wor too thrang to tak mich noatice, an' shoo'd moor sense.

As they wor all wed fowk but her an me, it wor agreed 'at shoo should

sarve aght th' teah, an' awd to sarve th' mait an stuff. They made a

gooid deal o' fun, an th' braan creeam helpt th' teah daan famously, th'

tooast seem'd ommost to melt away, an th' stewed hens didn't last long,

but th' cock didn't seem to be in as mich favor. Noabdy wanted helpin'

twice, an as awd taen a deeal a' pains to cook it aw felt rayther

disappointed. 'Nan get on an mak a gooid drinkin',' aw says; 'does

onnybody say a bit moor o' this cock?' But it wor all noa use, aw axd

'em an axd 'em wol aw wor fair stalled, an th moor aw tried to persuade'

em an th' moor they laft.

'Just thee try a bit thisen,' sed one, 'an then tha'll see hah it is we

want noa moor: Soa aw tried a bit, an awl be blest if it wornt like

gutty percha. Awd some varry gooid teeth, but they could do nowt wi it.

Aw wor varry soary abaat it, but it couldn't be helpt, an they all sed

they'd nivver had a better drinkin' i' ther life, soa one or two helpt

me to side th' table an straighten up a bit, for ther husbands wor all

ta coom an hey a smook an a drop o' summat short after they'd eoom throo

ther wark.

'What mun aw do wi what's left o' this rooast cock?' aw sed.

'Give it to Dorothy's tom-cat!' sed Sam's dowter.

'If it gets its teeth fast it'll pull its heead off!' sed another.

'An mich matters if it did,' sed owd Sarah; 'for it's a plague i' this

fold, for yo can keep nowt aght ov it's rooad.'

'Aw think th' best plan ud be,' sed Sam, as he popp'd in his heead, 'for

David an Dorothy to mak it up between' em, an then we'll all join an

give' em a weddin' dinner, for awm sewer ther booath looansome, an as

David's hed noa luck wi his poultry, an Dorothy's cat's allus getten her

i' trouble, aw think nah as yo've swallered th' poultry shoo should hang

th' cat, an then they could mak a fair start ith world, an aw believe

ther isn't a nayhor 'at willn't gladly give 'em a lift.'

'This seemed to fall in wi ivverybody's ideas except mine and Dorothy's,

an we sed nowt. Th' chaps coom in a bit, an a reight jolly lot they wor,

an when th' wimmen tell'd 'em what a toff owd customer th' cock hed

turned aght, they sed it ud be a gooid name for me, soa they kursened me

Moorcock, an awve been known bi that name ivver sin. Yo'd hardly think'

at Dorothy wod have agreed to become Dolly Drake, but shoo did, an th'

naybors wor as gooid as ther word, an when we gate wed we sat daan to as

grand a dinner as ivver yo'd wish to see, an monny a little thing we

have nah 'at wor gein to us then towards haasekeepin'.

"But some way or other soa monny fowk gate to know abaat her tom-cat, an

they used to come ta Iuk at it, far shoo wadn't hang it, an they made

sich gam abaat it wol we coom up to this quiet corner, pairtly to get

aght oth gate on 'em, an pairtly becoss aw anlls liked th' country best,

soa here we are, just as yo see us, an here it's varry likely we shall

stop till one on us is fotched away in a black box. Th' owd tom-cat's

deead, an aw stuffed it, an yo can see it at top oth clock, so nah 'Yo

know th' reason awm called 'Owd Moorcock.'"

"Ther's nivver noa end to thy tongue when it gets runnin'," sed Dolly:

"th' supper's been ready for long enuff, an if tha hasn't tawkt him

booath hungry an dry bi this time he's able to stand it better nor me."

We knocked th' ashes aght ov us pipes an went in to supper. It did'nt

last long, an after thankin' 'em for ther hospitality an information aw

shook hands an bid 'em gooid neet, an it'll be a long time befoor aw

forget mi visit to, "Owd Moorcock."

Peace Makkin.

"Honest confession is gooid for th' soul," they say, an aw may as weel

confess at once 'at awve been a fooil. Happen yo'll say "that's nowt

fresh," but beggin' for pardon this is summat fresh. Yo'll happen think

'at awve been bettin' at Donkeystir Races, or 'at awve been bun for a

chap in a money club, or 'at awve bowt a share in a manufacturin'

company, limited, or 'at awve started th' newspaper business, or takken

a hotel, or 'at awve joined th' Mormons, or 'at awve getten into a law

suit. But whichivver yo'd guessed yo'd be sewer to be 'wrang. All awve

been tryin' to do has been to act as a peeace makker, an if awd carried

it on for onny length o' time, aw should ha been made into sich a lot o'

pieces misen 'at it wod ha takken a besom to sweep me up.

Just anent awr haase lives a old cross-grained chap 'at's getten wed to

a varry nice lass, an' as he's a bit o' brass an' shoo's a lump o'

beauty, yo'd think they should live together as happy as two turtle

doves. But awm sooary to say 'at sich isn't th' case, for they generally

get up abaat hawf-past eight an have a feight befoor nine. Awm a varry

tender-hearted sooart ov a customer, an awm sewer it's monny a time made

mi heart bleed to see an hear ther goins on. Somehah or other awd allus

sided wi th' wife, tho' aw nivver knew what th' rows have been abaat, an

ov coorse soa long as they kept 'em i' ther own haase aw couldn't

interfere. But t'other day, abaat a wick sin, they wor gooin it war an

war, an shoo coom runnin' into th' street wi her hair all daan an her

gaon ommost riven off her back, an he rushed aght after her wi a

umbrella in his hand, strikin' at her reight an left, all all shoo had

to protect hersen wi wor th' rollin' pin. Thinks aw to misen, this

sooart o' thing has gooan far enuff, an as awd just been readin' abaat

th' "atrocities," aw fancied misen England an him Turkey an her a poor

Bulgarian, an aw determined awr wodn't see a poor inoffensive young

woman ill-treated bi a brute like that, soa just as he wor gettin' ready

to strike her daan into th' eearth, aw stept behund him an planted mi

naive at th' back ov his ear, an he rolled ovver like a skittle pin.

Just as he fell awd an idea 'at awd been struck wi leetnin or else ther

wor an eearthquake, for a summat dropped onto mi heead wi sich a foorce

'at aw saw some oth grandest fireworks awd ivver seen, an aw sat daan wi

sich a bang 'at awm sewer aw must ha left mi impression pratty deep

somewhear. When aw began to collect mi scattered thowts aw saw her

standin' ovver me quaverin' th' rollin' pin aboon mi heead to prevent

onnybody hittin' me ageean. When aw gate up aw began to reason wi misen

as to what had been to do, an aw couldn't help thinkin' 'at that rollin'

pin hed summat to do wi th' lump o' mi heead. Aw felt sooary then 'at

awd been soa rash as to knock th' old chap daan, an aw went to beg his

pardon an sympathise wi him.

"Shoo's a shocker," he sed, "ther's nubdy knows what aw have to put up

wi. Shoo ill-uses me throo morn to neet, an awm feeard o' mi life." Just

then shoo made a dash at him as if shood made up her mind to knock his

heead cleean off, soa aw catched hold ov her arm an gave her a swing

raand 'at landed her just abaat th' same spot 'at awd left a minit

befoor. Aw dooant know whether ivver yo've been hit at top oth heead wi

a old-fashioned umbrella or net, but if yo have, yo know it's nooan a

varry pleasant thing, for it seems to strike you i' three or four places

at once. Whether th' owd chap hit me in a mistak or he did it o' purpose

awve niver had th' chance to find aght, for things seem'd to get a gooid

deeal mixt just abaat that that time, an all aw know is 'at awve been i'

bed for ommost a wick, an awm soa stiff yet wol aw can hardly stir. One

hawf o' mi heead is covered wi stickin' plaister, an awm covered wi

black an blue marks throo mi neck to mi knees. As aw sit at th' winder

suppin' mi gruel, aw can hear th' rows gooin on across th' street just

as usual, an if they keep at it wol aw interfere agean they willn't have

to drop it just yet, for it's towt me 'at it's best to let fowk feight

ther own battles, for when it's nobbut one to one they've booath a

chonce, but when it's two to one it's vary oft rough for th' one.

Awr Emma--A False Alarm.

"Aw dooan't know what tha thinks abaat it, Isaac, but aw know ther's

summat nooan reight. Aw went to see awr Emma last neet, an' shoo doesn't

luk a bit like hersen: an' if shoo hadn't been rooarin' awl nivver trust

mi een agean. It's some sooart o' bother shoo's havin' wi' yond felly o'

hers, depend on't. Aw warned her enuff befoar shoo gate wed, an' tawk'd

to her wol aw wor fair stall'd, but nowt 'ud do but shoo mud have him,

an' if shoo hasn't getten her hands full aw'm capt."

"Why, lass, aw dooan't know what reason tha has for sayin' soa, for aw'm

sewer they seem varry comfortable together, an' aw've nivver heeard her

say a word agean him, an' he seems as steady as old gold. Shoo wor

happen low spirited last neet, or had a bit o' th' heead wark."

"Tha needn't try to lap it up; aw can guess eggs when aw see shells, an'

aw know as well as if shoo'd tell'd me wi' her own lips 'at ther's

summat at's nooan reight. Shoo's far too gooid for him, an' aw all us

sed soa, an' if shoo'd ha' ta'en my advice shoo'd ha' waited wol shoo'd

met wi' som'dy fitter for her. But shoo's thy temper to nowt, an' if

shoo sets her mind on a thing, it's noa moor use tawkin' to her nor

spittin' aght. Aw'm nooan soa mich up o' theas chaps 'at's as steady as

old gold: they're varry oft moor decaitful bi th' hauf, an' when aw come

to think on it, aw remember he didn't behave just as aw could ha' liked

him if he'd just been wed to me, th' first day they wor wed, for he'd

hardly a word to say to awr Emma at dinner time, but he could gabble

fast enuff to that lass o' Amos's, an' if shoo wor a child o' mine aw'd

awther tak' some o' that consait aght on her or else aw'd tak' th' skin

off her back."

"Tha'rt too perticlar bi hauf. Tha allus luks at th' black side o'

ivverything. Tha may depend on't awr Emma knows what shoo's dooin', an'

tha'd far better leave 'em to feight it aght thersen if ther's owt

wrang, for tha knows it nivver does to interfere between man an' wife,

tha tell'd me that monny a year sin' when mi mother sed a word to thee."

"Eea, but that wor a varry different matter, for thi mother knew tha'd

getten a wife wi' a deeal moor sense nor thee, an' a deeal moor feelin'

too, for aw believe tha cares noa moor for yond lass o' thine nor if

shoo wor nowt related to thi': but aw'm different, an' if that

gooid-fer-nowt 'at shoo's thrown hersen away on, doesn't treat her as he

owt to do, aw'l mak this taan too hot for him, or my' name isn't

Angelina!"

"Why, lass, tha can do as tha likes, but aw think tha'll find it best to

let 'em manage ther own affairs, an' aw dooan't suppooas awr Emma 'll

get throo this life withaat a bit o' trubble nah an' then same as other

fowk. Aw'm sewer aw connot; an' shoo's noa better nor me."

"Isn't shoo? But if aw thowt shoo worn't, aw'd nivver own her as one o'

mine! But aw'd like to know what trubble tha's ivver had except what

tha's browt o' thisen wi' thi own contraryness an' fooilishness? If

ivver ther wor a chap 'at went throo' this world wi' silver slippers

it's thee, for tha's ivverything done to thi hand, an' aw've been a

slave to thee ever sin aw gat thee, an' nivver had ony thanks for it

nawther; but aw dooan't want awr Emma to be trampled into th' earth as

aw've been, an' shoo shalln't be, if aw know on it, for aw'l fotch her

back hooam an' sharply too."

"Aw tell thi tha can do just as tha's a mind, an' aw'm sewer aw didn't

know tha had been trampled on, for tha's been booath maister and

mistress i' this shop ivver sin aw knew thi."

"Eea an' aw meean to be booath maister an' mistress, an' if tha'd a

heart i' thi belly as big as a beean tha wodn't sit daan quietly as tha

does, when tha hears 'at one o' thi own flesh an' blooid is pining

away."

"Aw didn't know shoo wor pining away, for aw'm sewwer shoo's gettin' as

fat as a pig, an' aw think it'll be time enuff to interfere when shoo

grummels hersen."

"Tha tawks like a fooil, Isaac, an' aw've tell'd thi so over an' over

agean. Tha knows shoo isn't like thee, at cries aght befoar tha'rt hurt,

but aw'l waste noa moor wind o' thee for aw'l put on mi bonnet an' shawl

an' goa up to their haase this minit, an' see if aw can't find aght

what's to do, an' try to put things into a reight shap'." Soa shoo put

on her things an' leavin' Isaac to luk after th' stew 'at wor i' th'

oven, shoo sailed off in a famous flurry to have a tawk wi' Emma. It

wor'nt monny minits walk, an' as shoo put th' speed on shoo managed to

get thear befoar her temper cooiled, an' oppenin' th' door shoo stept in

an' sed, "Nah, Emma, lass, aw've come to see ha' tha art this mornin'?"

"Aw'm first rate, mother," sed Emma, "Aw'm rare an' glad to see yo', but

what's browt yo' here this mornin'?"

"Aw know tha artn't furst rate, an' it's noa use thee tellin' me 'at tha

art, for aw've com'd here to know th' truth, an' aw'm detarmined tha

shall tell me, for aw've hardly been able to sleep a wink sin aw wor

here last neet, an' aw've been tawkin' to thi father this mornin', but

one mud just as well whistle jigs to a mile-stoop an' expect it to dance

as tawk to him an' expect to get ony sense aght on him, but aw want to

know what bother tha's been havin' wi' that felly o' thine an' what he'd

been dooin' to thi 'at made thee soa sorrowful last neet? Nah, dooan't

goa raand th' corners, but come straight to th' point. Aw've nooan been

wed all theas years but what aw know what poor wives have to put up wi'.

Has he been drinkin'?"

"Nay, mother, yo' munnot tawk like that, for aw'm sewer ther' wor nivver

a better man tied to a woman nor my Bob, an' yo' know he's a

teetotaller, soa ther's noa fear on him gooin' on th' spree."

"Aw'm nooan soa sewer abaat that, an' if he doesn't drink he varry

likely does war. Mun, aw know what men are, an' tha has it to leearn

yet. Tha'n screen him all tha can, aw know that, just same as aw have to

do thi father, but tha connot deceive me, aw've lived to' long to be

easily chaited."

"Aw dooan't want to chait yo', mother, an' aw've nought to screen Bob

for, for aw dooan't know 'at he's a fault, unless it is his thinkin' soa

mich o' me."

"A'a, poor fooilish 'child! He thinks nooan too mich o' thee, net he

marry! He doesn't think hauf enuff, or else he'd nooan goa on as he

does! Aw tak' noa noatice o' ther coaxin' an' fondlin'; it's all

mak'-believe, an' as long as they can manage to get all they want for a

soft word or two they'll give yo' plenty on 'em, but aw know' em, an'

they can't come ovver me. Ther' isn't a pin to choose amang th' best on

'em, for they're all as full o' decait as an egg's full o' mait. But aw

want to know what wor th' reason tha wor lukkin' soa cut-up and

daan-trodden last neet?"

"Why, mother, you're altogether wrang this time. Aw wor raythur low

spirited last neet, but it's nowt yo' can blame him for, for aw'm sewer

he works hard ivvery day, an' if he doesn't haddle as mich as he did

it's noa fault o' his. An' this last two or three wicks his wage has

been less bi five shillin' nor it used to be, an' at th' price o' mait

an' stuff nah, it's hard wark to mak' ends meet, an' what aw wor

trubbled abaat last neet wor becoss aw'd nowt to set him for his supper

except a basin o' porrige, an' that isn't mich for a chap 'at's been

tewin' all th' day, tho' he nivver says a wrang word what ther' is."

"An' what should he grummel for, aw'st like to know? Bless mi life if he

had to goa withaat for a time or two what bi that? Ther's better fowk

nor him had to goa baaht supper befoor to-day! He gets as gooid stuff as

thee, an' better too, aw'l be bun' for't! But aw should like to know ha'

it is 'at his wage is five shillin' a wick less nor it wor, for aw've

heeard nowt abaat ony on 'em bein' bated, an' aw should ha' done if they

had, for ther's two or three lives i' awr street 'at works at th' same

shop, an' they'd ha' been safe to tell me. But what does he say abaat

it?"

"He's nivver sed nowt, an' aw've nivver ax'd him, for he allus gives me

all he has ov a Friday neet, an' aw mak' it do as weel as aw can."

"Raillee! Emma! aw think tha gets less wit ivvery day! Ha' can ta' tell

what he's dooin' wi that five shillin' a wick if tha nivver axes him?

But tha mun ax him! It's thi duty! Depend on't he's spendin' it i' some

way 'at's nooan too gooid, or else he'd let thee know. But it's thy

affair, net mine; aw've nowt to do wi' it, an' aw've net com'd to

interfere; but aw should like to know if tha's seen Amos's dowter

lately?"

"Shoo wor here this mornin' befoor yo' coom. Shoo luks in for a minit or

two nab an' then."

"Oh! Has ta' noaticed whether shoo's getten owt new latly?"

"Eea, shoo'd a new bonnet on this mornin', an' varry weel shoo luk't in

it!"

"Aw wonder whear shoo gets her new bonnets an' stuff, it's cappin' to

me, but aw've a nooashun shoo doesn't buy 'em wi' her own brass. Let's

see. Bob used to lodge wi' Amos befoor yo' gate wed, didn't he?"

"Eea, they thowt as mich on him as one o' ther own, an aw know nowt

abaat whose brass shoo buys her things wi', but aw nivver heeard 'at

shoo wor i' debt for owt, an' aw can't see' at we've owt to do wi' it."

"N'oa, an' tha can see nowt! But ther' is 'at can see if tha cannot, but

as tha says it's nowt to us; but if aw wor a wife aw should want to know

whear my husband tuk his five shillin' a wick."

"Ther's mi father commin', he's seekin' yo' aw expect."

"Aw'l be bun' for't! If aw stir off th' doorstun he's after me! What's

browt thee here?"

"Th' childer's come hooam to ther dinner an' they're all waitin'."

"Couldn't ta tell' em to get that stew aght o' th' oven?"

"Aw know nowt abaat th' stew."

"Hasn't ta stirred it up an' put some moor watter in as aw tell'd thi?"

"Aw nivver heeard thi say nowt abaat it."

"A'a tha art a lumpheead if ivver ther' wor one i' this world! Why,

it'll be burnt as dry as a chip! Aw mun be off! Gooid mornin', lass, an'

see' at tha taks care o' thisen whativver comes o' other fowk, an' when

aw've a bit moor time aw'l slip up to comfort thee a bit agean. Tha's

noa need to come for ony dinner, Isaac, for ther'll be nooan for thi."

"All reight lass, aw'm nooan langin', for aw gate that bit o' pie 'at

wor i'th' cubbord."

"An' tha'd ha' etten th' cubbord too, if it had been pie! Come stir

thi!"

Chapter II.

A few wicks passed by, an' Angelina couldn't find aght what became ov

her son-i'-law's five shillin's, an' tho' shoo kept een an' ears wide

oppen to catch a whisper agean him, shoo saw, nor heeard newt. But her

mind wor ill at ease, for shoo'd managed to convince hersen 'at ther wor

summat nooan reight, an' becoss shoo couldn't find owt shoo put it daan

to his decait, an' shoo generally finished up wi' sayin' 'at her dowter

wor a fooil an' Bob wor a deep 'en. At last th' mystery had to be

unveiled an' her mind set at rest.

One neet a little lass knock'd at th' door, an' sed 'at Emma had sent

her to tell her an' Isaac to go a to see her as sooin as ivver they

could.

"Nah then! What did aw tell thi? It's come at last, an' aw knew it wad I

But if he's raised a finger o' his to hurt a hair ov her heead aw'l

fotch law on him if aw have to sell up dish an' spooin! put this

stickin' plaister i' thi pocket, an' theas cammomile flaars, an' poppy

heeads, an' let's be off this minit!"

"What's th' stickin' plaister an' all this stuff for?". sed Isaac.

"Tha'll see what it's for sooin enuff! A'a, aw wish sometimes aw'd

flivver been born! It's a bonny come off to bring childer into th' world

an' keep' em an' luk after' em till they grow up to be treated war nor

dogs!"

Isaac shov'd th' stuff into his pockets an' wor off after her as sooin

as he could, for shoo'd stirred him up a bit, an' he gript his walkin'

stick an' pooled his hat ovver his een as mich as to say he thowt it

high time to let fowk know what they wor abaat. As sooin as they gate

i'th' seet o'th' haase he sed, "Ther's noa fowk abaat that's one

blessin'; if ther's been a row they must ha' been varry quite abaat it."

"Shoo'd niver utter a word if shoo wor to be riven i' bits, shoo's too

mich like me for that, A'a, aw little thowt aw should ivver have to come

o' sich o' eearand as this!"

They didn't stop to knock, but oppen'd th' door, an' thear they saw Bob

an' Emma sittin' at th' teah-table lukkin' as cheerful an' as happy as

could be.

"Come in, booath on yo'," sed Emma, "Yo'r just i' time for a cup o'

teah. We didn't expect yo' quite as sooin, but yo'r allus welcome."

"Why yond lass tha sent coom wi' sich a tale wol we wor sewer ther' munt

be summat serious to do, an' we started off withaat wastin' a minit."

"Aw'm glad yo've com'd," sed Bob, "We've getten summat to show yo', but

yo' mun have a cup o' teah furst."

"What have aw to do wi' all this stickin' plaister an' stuff?" sed

Isaac.

"Can't ta keep it i' thi pocket an' say nowt apaat it, softheead! Tha

wants a piece on it across thi macth."

"Whativver made yo' bring stickin' plaister, mother, yo' sewerly didn't

think ther'd been ony feightin'?"

"Does fowk nivver want ony stickin' plaister nobbut when they've been

feightin'? Ha could aw tell but what one o' yo' had tummel'd onto th'

foire, or getten scalded or summat? Thi father browt it, it wor nooan o'

me."

"Eea, aw browt it, but--"

"But--Tha can hold thi noise an' tak' it back, for if ther'd been ony

use for it tha'd ha' been sewer to ha' forgetten it. But let's

see what this thing is 'at tha's sent for us to luk at, for aw can get

noa drinkin' unless aw know what it is."

"Well, come yo're ways into this raam," sed Emma, "Here it is, an' tell

me what yo' think on it."

"Why aw'l be shot if it isn't a sewin' machine! An' a grand en it is;

but ha' mich have yo' to give for it?"

"Ther's nowt to give for it, becoss it's all paid for. Bob's bowt it me

aght o'th' brass he's been savin'."

"Then that's whear his five shillin' a wick has been gooin'?"

"Eea, an' moor nor that, for he'd getten a raise of hauf a craan, an' he

nivver tell'd me, becoss he wanted to buy this for mi birthday."

"What did aw tell thi, Emma? Didn't aw say 'at tha could trust Bob? They

can't deceive me. Aw can tell a straightforrad chap as sooin as aw see

him."

"Nah, tha sees Angelina," sed Isaac, "Things isn't just as black as tha

thowt they wor, an' aw tell'd thi--"

"Tha tell'd me nowt, an' aw dooan't want thi to tell me owt; goa sit thi

daan to thi drinkin' an' let thi mait stop thi maath.'"

Niver Judge by Appearances.

If yo niver heeard tell o' that doo 'at Broddington an Clarkson once

had, aw'll tell yo abaat it; for when aw heeard on it aw lafft wol my

bally wark'd, aw did forshure. Yo mun understand at Broddington kept a

butcher's shop i' Snicket loin an Clarkson kept a puttaty shop ith same

row. Well, it soa happen'd 'at Broddington's shop wor too big for him,

an Clarkson's wor too little for him, soa they had a bit o' tawk

together, an after a deeal o' bargainin, an boath swearin 'at it ud be a

loss o' monny a paand, they agreed to swap. Broddington wor a single

chap an lived bi hissen, but Clarkson had a wife an some bairns, an shoo

wor a wife an noa mistak! for shoo'd tongue enuff for hauf a duzzen.

Ther wor a sign ovver each shop wi th' name painted on, but as one

wodn't fit t' other they agreed to swap signs as weel an to get' em

repainted, each wi thee own name. Well, one day they set abaat flittin,

an a varry hard day they had, but at last all wor comfortably arranged

an nowt moor wanted dooin but names changin.

After a hard job like that, Broddington thowt he'd give hissen a bit ov

a treat, an goa off on a cheap trip to Liverpool, for as it wor varry

hot weather he hadn't mich to do--butchers niver have--but as he lived

bi hissen, an wor a varry hard sleeper, he couldn't tell ha to manage to

get up to be ready for four o'clock, an' he didn't like th' idea o'

sittin up all th' neet, coss he knew if he did 'at he'd be fit for nowt

all th' day. After studdin abaat it a bit an idea struck him, an' off he

set to seek th' policeman 'at wor o' that beat, an get him to wakken

him.

He wornt long afoor he fan him, soa he says, "Jim, aw want thee to do me

a bit ov a faver if tha will." "Well, lad," he sed, "awl do it if aw can

awl promise thi; what is it tha wants me to do?" "Aw want to set off o'

that cheap trip tomorn 'at leaves here at four o'clock, an as awm a

varry saand sleeper, aw want thee to wakken me abaat hauf-past three."

"O, if that's all, awl do that an' welcome." "But tha knows," sed

Broddington, "its nooan sich a easy task as tha seems to fancy, for when

awm i' bed aw sleep like a stooan, an soa if aw dooant get up at once

tha mun pawse th' door wol aw do." "O, awl pawse it niver fear, awl

wakken thi afoor aw leave off, tha may bet thi front teeth o' that."

"Well, aw darsay tha may, an awve made up mi mind to goa, but awm sich a

sleepy-head 'at if aw get up its a thaasand to one aw shall goa to bed

agean as sooin as iver tha turns thi back, so tha mun stop wol aw come

daan stairs, an then tha shall tell me what tha thinks abaat some whisky

'at awve getten." "Leave that to me," sed Jim, "awl bet tha'll come daan

afoor aw stur; if ther's ony whisky inside awl find mi way to it."

"That's all right," sed Broddington, "nah awl goa hooam an' get to bed

an' have a few haars sleep afoor tha comes." Soa off he went hooam, but

unfortunately he'd forgetten to tell th' policeman 'at he'd flitted.

Well, old Clarkson stuck to his puttaty shop wol abaat ten o'clock an

then when he'd getten shut up, he thowt he'd just goa an' spend an' haar

or two wi a friend, so a as th' wife wor aght oth seet he snig'd off,

an' it seems he faand ther company soa varry agreeable wol it wor ommost

three o'clock when he landed hooam. He knew what a blowin up he'd be

sure to get, but as his wife liked a drop o' whisky to goa to bed on, he

bowt a bottle to tak hooam as a bit ov a sweetner. He crept in as quiet

as he could, for he thowt if th' wife wor asleep it wad be a shame to

wakken her. He tuk his booits off an' went ov his tiptooas into th'

bedroom.

"O, soa tha's landed hooam agean has ta? Couldn't ta find ony body 'at

ud have thi ony longer? If awd been thee awd ha done t'other bit aght.

Awm capt 'at a wed chap 'at's a wife an' childer at hooam rakin aght i'

this way! But ther's one thing certain, it's noa daycent place wheer tha

wor wol this time oth' mornin! Niver heed! It willn't last long, aw feel

awm gettin waiker ivery day--waiker ivery day; tha'll nooan ha me soa

long, an' then tha can spree an' drink thi fill. Aw do, aw feel awm

gettin waiker ivery day," shoo sed agean. But old Clarkson made noa

reply, for he'd heeard th' same tale monny a time befoor, an' he knew if

he sed he wor sooary, shoo'd say he wor a liar, an' praich him a sarmon

as long as his leg abaat what he'd do if he wor sooary; an' if he sed he

didn't think shoo wor waiker, shoo'd say, "Noa, aw ail nowt; ther's

nivver any sympathy for me! aw mun slave mi soul aght for owt tha

cares--nasty unfeelin wretch!" Well, Jim didn't spaik for he thowt "the

leeast sed an th' soonest mended." But shoo wornt to be done, shoo at it

ageean in another tone--"Eea, aw feel awm gettin waiker--Waiker ivery

day; does ta hear what aw say?" "Hear thi," he sed, "mi ears are hoof'd

wi harkenin to thi." "Eea, an they shall be hoof'd," shoo sed, "for as

long as awve breath i' my body awl tell thi o' thi faults. Ha can ta

fashion; but if tha doesn't alter awl niver put legs daan i' bed wi'

thee agean I Shame o' thisen! but tha has na shame; tha'rt as brazzen as

brass, that's what tha art!" "Nah, hold thi noise," he sed. "Sithee,

aw've browt thi a bottle o' whisky; mun, awm allus thinkin on thi."

"Dooant tell me sich like tales as them, for aw dooant believe thi,"

shoo says, "tha thinks tha can get ovver me wi a bottle o' whisky aw

daresay, but tha'rt mistakken; an' aw dooant know whear tha's getten

that at this time oth' mornin."

Jim kept a still tongue in his bead an' crept quietly into bed, an' it

worn't long befoor they wor booath asleep.

Nah, it wor varry near time for th' polieeman to come to wakken

Broddington, an' as he knew nowt abaat th' flittin he luck'd up at th'

sign, an' feelin sure at he wor at th' reight shop he gave a varry gooid

rat-a-tat at Clarkson's door.

"What's that?" sed his wife, jumpin up; "go daan and see."

"Net aw," sed Clarkson, "its nobbut some druffen chaps 'at's on for a

spree."

"Eea, an they know whear to come it seems! A'a, if aw wor a man aw

should shame to have sich like followin me."

Another rat-a-tat followed, but Clarkson wor detarmined not to get up,

an' th' policeman wor just as detarmined to pail at th' door till he did

get up. Rat-a-tat! rat-a-tat! went his stick time after time, wol at

last old Clarkson baanced aght o' bed an threw up his winder, an' axed

what he wanted; but when he saw a blue coat an' shinin buttons, he

turned raand to his wife an' sed, "It's a bobby."

"Why," shoo says, "ax him what he wants."

"What does ta want?" sed Clarkson.

"Nah, then, is noa gooid tryin' to mak it strange; tha knows aw've come

here for that whisky, an' awmean to have it befoor aw goa."

"O, that's it, is it?" sed his wife. "That's thee 'at's browt me th'

whisky? It's grand to bring a wife whisky an' ax a policeman to come sup

it."

"Aw niver ax'd onybody to come, aw dooant know what he wants."

"That's a varry nice tale, lad, but tha willn't mak me believe it; aw

know better nor a policeman comin toa haase at hauf-past three ith

mornin if he hadn't been sent for."

Rat-a-tat! rat-a-tat-tat! went th' policeman's stick, an old Clarkson

flew to th' winder an shaats aght, "What th' d---- does ta want?"

"Nah, it's noa gooid thee puttin on an' makkin it all strange; tha mud

as weel come daan sooin as lat, for tha'll ha to goa wi me an' th'

whisky an' all, soa on wi them britches an come daan stairs."

"Nah, Clarkson," sed his wife, sittin up i' bed, "tell me th' truth at

once; has ta getten that whisky honestly or net? If tha hasn't say so,

an then awst know what to expect. Aw allus sed 'at tha'd bring me an th'

childer to some end if this rakin aght ov a neet went on. A'a 'at ivver

aw should ha lived to see this day!" An then shoo began rockin hersen

backards an forrads, an moppin up her tears wi th' corner oth sheet.

Yo may guess what a din th' policeman made when it wakkened Broddington

'at lived six or eight doors off, an aght o' ommust ivvery winder ith

row ther wor neetcaps bobbin in an aght, an some on 'em shook ther

heeads an sed, "It's nobbut what aw expected; awve thowt many a time 'at

if Clarkson could afford to dress his wife 'i silks an satins, 'at it

didn't all come aght o' th' puttaty trade," an after that feelin remark

they went back to bed.

Broddington gate up an dressed an went daan stairs to see what wor up.

All at once he bethowt him abaat th' policeman, an th' fact a' th' wrang

sign being ovver th' door, an he saw at once what a mistak had been

made. "Well, it can't be helped," he sed, "but poor Clarkson 'll catch

it aw'll bet." Soa he went daan an oppened th' door just at th' same

time at Clarkson wor comin aght. When th' policeman saw Clarkson come

aght an Broddington abaat twenty yards off, he luk'd a trifle soft, an

after starin furst at one an then at t'other, he gave vent to his

astonishment bi sarin, "Blow me tight!" Just then Mrs. Clarkson's heead

show'd aght o' th' chamber winder, "O, it's all varry fine," shoo sed,

"aw see ha it is; it's a made up doo throo th' beginin to th' endin; but

awl have an alteration as sure as my name's Liddy:" After sayin this

shoo popt back agean an went to bed, noa daat thinkin 'at shoo wor a

varry ill used woman. As matters had getten to this pitch, Broddington

tuk th' policeman an' Clarkson on to his haase, an after a gooid deeal a

explanation, ivery body seem'd to be satisfied, an Broddington browt

aght a bottle an put it i' th' middle o' th' table an invited 'em to

help thersen. They did, an readily too, for th' policeman worn't a

teetotaler, (an ther's summat abaat that 'at aw could nivver understand,

for teetotal lecterers tell us 'at if all th' world wor teetotal 'at we

should have noa murders, noa robberies, noa rows, all wod be peace an

happiness an th' millenium be ushered in, an yet aw nivver met a

teetotal policeman, tho ther may be sich like things, th' same as aw've

heeard on ther bein white blackburds, an we know 'at policemen are th'

varry chaps 'at have to keep th' peace.)

Well, glass followed glass, an Broddington decided net to set off at

all, but to spend a friendly haar wi 'em, as he'd been th' cause ov a

deeal o' bother, an he thowt th' best thing he could do wod be to

apologize like a man an set things straight agean. Soa they all turned

aght together at about a quarter to ten to goa to Clarkson's, but when

they gate aght o' th' door what should they see but a lot o' furniture

aghtside, an all th' appearances ov another flittin. "What's up nah,

Clarkson?" sed Broddington. "Nay, aw dooant know," he sed, "but it seems

to me 'at th' wife's sellin up, an shoo's sed shoo wod do monny a time;

but awl put a stop to that, an sharply too." Away he went in a reglar

tiff, an wanted to know who'd fotch'd his stuff aght o' th' haase, an

sed he'd let' em see who wor th' maister thear. When his wife coom shoo

wor fair maddled, an wanted to know what wor up. "Who's tell'd thee to

sell th' furniture," he sed. "Sell th' furniture! Who is selling th'

furniture, fooil! It's nobbut me 'at had it taen aght to cleean, becoss

aw thowt tha wor off for th' day, an aw thowt awd do it before tha come

back, sea as tha wodn't be put abaat wi th' bustle." "O, that's all

reight," he sed. "Aw see nah; aw hardly thowt tha'd do as ill as that,

though tha wor awful crusty this mornin; but ther's Broddington an th'

policeman aghtside 'at want to come in an explain matters a bit."

"Dooant bring' em here," shoo sed, "tha's been wi them to oft; it's sich

like as them 'at's leeadin thee off."

"Well, we'd better have 'em in aw think, an hear what they've to say,"

he sed. Soa they went in, an when they'd tell'd th' tale shoo laff'd as

hard as any on 'em, for shoo worn't a bad bottom'd woman though she had

a tongue; soa after makkin all things straight shoo ax'd' em to have a

drop o' summat, which they had, an as shoo sed, "Drink o' ony sooart wor

a thing 'at shoo seldom or iver touched, though th' doctors had ordered

it for her, time after time, yet considerin 'at Broddington had missed

his cheap trip, an 'at all matters had been put to reights, shoo made

hersen a drop o' whisky an hot watter, an as they sat tawkin an smookin

they coom to th' conclusion 'at it wor nivver safe to judge bi

appearances. Clarkson wor soa pleased at his wite takkin it i' sich a

philosophical way, wol he bowt her a new gaan, an when th' naybors saw

her turn aght in it th' next Sunday, they nodded an smiled at her as if

they could like to put her into ther pockets, but as sooin as shoo'd

turned her back they curl'd ther nooas an turned up th' whites o' ther

eyes, an sed, in a varry mysterious way, "It'll do woll it lasts."

A'a dear I tak my advice an nivver trust to appearances.

Mi First Testimonial.

Young Gawthorp lived at t'Cat-i-t'well; some on yo may know him, he used

to come to Halifax twice i' th' wick to buy his greens and stuff to

hawk, an' he allus call'd at t'Tabor to get a pint as he went hooam.

Nah Chairley (his mother had kursen'd him Chairley becoss shoo wor

sittin in a chair th' furst time shoo saw him); well, Chairley worn't

like some country hawbucks at fancied' coss he sell'd puttates an

turnips, 'at he needed no mooar knowledge nor to be able to tell th'

difference between a parsnip an' a manglewurzell. Noa, Chairley had an

inquirin' mind, an' if it hadn't been at one leg wor shorter nor

t'other, he'd a been a sowdger, for his heart wor as brave as any

greengrocer's heart cud be expected to be.

One neet he'd been to th' taan, an' wor trudgin hooam beside owd

Testy--that's his donkey's name, an' aw owt to tell yo hah it happen'd

to be call'd Testy; ther's nowt like explainin' things as we goa on.

Chairley used to goa to th' Sunday Skooil, an' he wor allus soa weel

behaved, an' hardly ivver missed a Sunday withaat bringin' his taicher

awther a apple or toffy or summat, wol th' Superintendant took sich a

fancy to him, 'at he determined to get up a testimonial for him; soa one

day he call'd him to one side, an' strokin' his heead as tenderley as if

it wor a whin bush, he sed, "Chairley tha's been a gooid lad, an' we ar

detarmin'd to get up a testimonial for thi. Aw've mentioned it to th'

taichers, an' they've all agreed to subscribe, an aw want thee to say

what shape it shall tak." "Well," said Chairley, "if aw'm to pick, aw

should like it to be as near th' shape o' Tim Hardy's as yo can get."

"What dusta meean?" sed th' Superintendent.

"Aw mean Tim Hardy's donkey."

"Nay Chairley, that'll nivver do for a Sundy skooil to give a donkey for

a testimonial; that wodn't spaik weel for th' skooil--think ageean lad."

"Ther's nowt else at aw'd like, soa if yo cannot gie me that, it matters

little to me what aw get; an' as for net spaikin weel for th' skooil, aw

dooan't see that; Balaam's ass spake varry weel for him, an' aw dooan't

see but what one mud spaik varry weel for th' taichers."

"Well lad, that's soa, an awm glad to see at tha hasn't studied thi

scriptur for nowt, soa a donkey it shall be. But ther's just one thing

awd like to mention, an that is; tha sees aw'm a poor workin' chap

mysen, an aw'm hardly in a position to afford to give owt towards it,

but it wodn't luk weel for me net to put daan mi name for summat, soa

aw'! subscribe five shillings to help to buy it, an' when tha's getten

it tha can pay me back i' puttates, kidney puttates, an' noa demiked

ens. If tha'll agree to that, awl work this thing up for thi sharp."

"Aw'l agree." sed Chairley, soa th' thing wor all settled, an th' next

Wednesday neet after th' special prayer meeting, Chairley wor called up

to th' desk, an' after listenin' to a long speech, th' donkey wor browt

in an presented to him, together wi' a beautiful address, painted an'

illuminated on glass, wi a tollow cannel, soa's to be useful to him when

hawkin' cockles an' mussels i' winter time.

Chairley wor famosly delited wi th' donkey, an when it stretched aght

one hind leg, just to feel whoa it wor at stood behind it, he fairly

shed tears, an' it wor some time befooar he cud get his wind back to

thank' em. He tell'd 'em at that wor th' first testimonial he'd ivver

had gien, an' on that accaant he should name it "Testy"; he thanked 'em

one an' all, an' thowt it wor abaaght time nah for him to goa. Th'

Superintendant sed he thowt soa too, an' he should advise him net to let

Testy have soa many beeans for th' future, as they made his breath smell

soa bad.

Soa Chairley an' Testy went hooam, an t'next morning they started aght

hawkin, but it wor th' warst days bizniss he ivver had. He gate shut a

mooar stuff nor ivver he'd getten shut on afooar in a wick, but his

purse wor varry little heavier at neet nor it wor i'th' morning, for as

t'mooast ov his customers wor connected wi th' Sunday skoal, an' they

all wanted sarvin' that day, he discovered at Testy worn't likely to

prove all profit after all. If a woman wanted a penny stick a ruburb

shoo'd be sure to ax for a cabbage thrown in, an shoo'd say: "Tha knows

tha'd nivver ha getten that donkey but for awr Simon givin' soa mich

to'ards it."

When Chairley reckon'd up at neet he stud lukkin at t'donkey for a

minnit an' then he sed--"Testy owd lad, aw dooant want to hurt thi

feelins, but aw mun say, at if ivvery body's testimonial cost' em as

mich as tha's cost me to-day, ther isn't quite as mich profit in 'em as

some fowk think; an' unless ther's a lot ov Annani-asses amang my

customers, th'aft abaat th' warst bargain i'th' donkey line at aw've

seen for some time, for aw cud a bowt a horse wi' th' brass at wor

subscribed for thee."

After that Chairley had to leeave th' Sunday skooil, for he sed if he

didn't they'd ruin booath him an' Testy. Well, as aw wor sayin' Chairley

an' Testy wor gooin' hooam an' bed just getten to th' Tabor, when they

booath stopt for a drink. He teed up his donkey an' then went into th'

tapraam for a pint a fourpny, (yo can get varry gooid fourpny at

t'Tabor, ther's some body in it an noa sperrit, hah they brew it is a

saycret, an' it's noa use tryin' to see throo it.) Just anent Chairley

sat an owd sowdger tellin' tales abaaght different battles he'd been in,

an' Chairley lizened to ivvery word as if it wor gospel, for ov cooarse

he knew at noa man 'ats been in a battle wad say owt at worn't true, an'

at last he sed, "Captin' aw've oft thowt aw should like to be sowdger,

but yo see mi legs isn't booath just t'same length."

"That'll mak little difference," he sed, "tha'd be all th' better for

that, it wodn't be as easy to put a bullet throo thi heead when it wor

bobbin' up and daan, as it wod a chap at walk'd straight; but aw should

advise thee to join th' artillery, that's th' regiment for thee; horse

artillery, that's the ticket, tha'd just doo for that."

"Dun yo think aw should?"

"To be sewer, tha'rt just made for it."

This set Chairley a thinkin', an after treatin' th' owd sowdger wi' a

pint, he set off hooam.

As he'd noab'dy else to tawk to' he tawk'd to th' donkey.

"Well Testy, what dus ta think abaaght it? Dus ta think aw should doo

for a hartillery chap? They dooant have donkeys i'th' horse hartillery,

or else awd tak thee. What are ta shakin' thi heead at? Well if aw doo

goa, iwl mak a present o' thee to th' Sunday skooil, for aw cudn't tell

what price to put on thi if aw wanted to sell thi. Hahivver, aw think it

ud be a gooid thing for me to practiss a bit, an' awve two owd muskets

at hooam at can be made come in, an' awl get up it' mornin' i' gooid

time an practiss for an haar or soa befooar we start for bizness. It'll

doo us booath gooid."

Chairley gate hooam, an' after stablin' Testy an' makkin him

cumfortable, he gave him a bit o' extra corn to mak him lively next

mornin'. He left t'stable sayin, "Well Testy, aw nivver thowt a makkin a

war-horse aght o' thee, tho' awve seen war horses nor thee; but to morn

tha'll have to be a chairger, an' if tha'rt hauf as gooid a chairger as

t'chap wor at sell'd thi to th' Superintendent, tha'll doo to practiss

on."

T'next mornin' Chairley gate his two muskets, an havin' teed one on th'

top o' each pannier, he maanted Testy, an' rooad him to a croft at back

o' th' haase.

"Nah," he says to hissen, "hah can aw pull these triggers when aw'm set

up here? It caan't be done; but if aw lig on my belly on th' top of his

back, aw can raich 'em then, an that'll be a better position to escape

th' enemy." Soa he ligg'd his full length o' Testy's back, an tuk hold

o' booath muskets wi' his fingers on th' triggers. "Nah Testy, see tha

behaves thisen' for this may be a turnin' point i' thy life as weel as

mine. Tha'll ha' to get used to th' smell o' paather, same as me. Nah

for it," he sed, an' he shut his een an' whisper'd, "one, two,

three--off!" He pooled booath triggers, booath muskets went off, an'

Chairley went off at th' same time, an' soa did one o' Testy's ears, an'

when Chairley lukk'd up Testy wor stanin' on his fore legs, sparrin'

away wi' his heels, as lively as yo'd wish to see. Chairley maniged to

sam hissen together, an' findin' at he worn't killed, he went to mak

friends ageean wi' Testy; an' if ivver ther wor two disconsolate lukkin'

jackasses i' this world, it wor them two.

"Well, this is a bonny come off," he sed, "tha'rt a bigger donkey nor aw

tuk thi for. Had ta noa mooar sense nor to put thi ear i'th' front ova

gun. Tha cud a heeard it goa off withaat lizenin' soa clois?

"Well, aw wish tha wor nicely aght o' mi hands. What to do wi thi nah aw

connot tell, unless aw cut off t'other ear to match, an' tee a bunch o'

horsehair to thi tail an' see if aw connot mak a galloway aght on thi;

an' if aw doo that, aw expect tha willn't be able to keep thi maath

shut, an' that voice o' thine 'll let ivvery body know. But hahivver aw

mun try an' bandage that heead o' thine up an' then see what aw can do,

for ther'll be noa hawkin' to-day, an' noa mooar hartillery practiss."

Chairley weshed th' donkey's heead, an' put some sauve on to his ear,

an' teed it up as weel as he cud, an' then turned him inta th' croft an'

sat daan wonderin' hah to spend th' day.

Nah ther wor nowt Chairley wor fonder on nor kite flyin', an' as he had

a kite ommost as big as hissen, he thowt he mud as weel amuse hissen a

bit; soa he fotched it, an' befooar monny minnits it wor sailin' away up

i'th' air. He kept givin' it mooar band wol it wor ommost aght o' seet,

an' beein' a breezy day, it pooled soa hard at he cud hardly hold it.

To mak matters war, Testy wor varry restless, an' kept wanderin abaaght,

an' as ther wor noa gate to th' croft, Chairley had to follow him for

feeard on him gettin' away. In a while it began to be rayther hard wark,

he darn't let t'kite goa, an' ther wor nowt handy to tee it too, soa he

thowt his best plan 'ud be to pull it in, but just then a thowt struck

him, as he saw Testy trottin' off whiskin his tail, an' he went after

him. As sooin as he'd catched him, he teed his kite band to th' donkey's

tail, sayin' as he did soa, "Nah aw can watch yo booath at once." But yo

shud a seen that donkey! At first he ran backards for abaaght a dozzen

yards, then he shot aght his heels wi' twenty donkey paar; but it wor

noa use tryin' to kick that kite, he cud just as easy ha' kicked

t'mooin. He tried to turn raand, but that ommost twisted his tail off,

then he planted his feet firmly i' t'graand, wi his tail stickkin'

straight aght like a brooish stail, an' luk'd at Chairley, as if for

some explanation.

"Well, hah dusta like kite flyin', Testy? tha'd a rooar'd thi 'een up

afooar tha'd thowt a that. It's plain to be seen at tha connot run away

wi' that kite, an' th' kite connot flyaway wi' thee, soa awl leeave yo

an' goa get a bit a dinner."

He worn't long away, but when he coom back, noa kite cud he see, but

theear wor Testy stud just as he'd left him. As Chairley walked to him

he nivver sturd, but, fancy his surprise when he saw at th' donkey's

tail wor missin'. It had dissolved partnership wi' Testy an' gooan to

realms aboon. Maybe it'll fessen it sen on to some little star an' mak a

comet on't.

Chairley an Testy stud lukkin' at one another for a gooid five minnits,

an' at last Chairley sed, "Well Testy, tha caan't blame me; aw dooant

think thi appearance is mich improved, but still, tha must admit at tha

arn't as mich of a donkey nah as tha wor when aw gate tha. It seems to

me we'd better pairt, for we dooan't get on soa weel together; awl sell

mi stock an't panniers, an' thee an ivverything; aw shall ha' to sell'

em wholesale though, for aw cannot re-tail thee. But awl promise tha one

thing, whenivver aw fly a kite ageean, awl remember mi donkey's tail."

Just then, Testy's knees begun to tremmle, his body rock'd from side to

side; he luk'd at Chairley as mich as to say, "assassin," an rowled

ovver brokkenhearted; an', withaght a struggle, he breathed his last

sigh to th' tune of "Good bye, Chairley, when aw'm away, dunnot forget

your Testimonial."

Five Paand Nooat.

Aw remember th' first time at aw iver had a five paand nooat, an' awm

like as if aw can see it yet. It worn't a new en, it wor one 'at had

gooan throo a gooid monny hands,--it wor soft an' silky to th' touch,

an' it wor yeller wi age, an' th' edges wor riven a bit, an it had a

split up th' middle, whear it had been cut i' two at some time an' stuck

together agean wi a bit o' postage stamp paper. Aw remember at that time

aw used to sleep up in a garret, all bi mysen, an' th' walls wor covered

wi bits o' pictures, an' shelves wor stuck up here an' thear, filled wi

bottles o' all maks o' stuff, an' aw'd an old box 'at aw could lock up

whear aw kept some pipes an bacca, an' owt else at aw darn't let awr

fowk know 'at aw had, an' carefully put away under th' bed wor another

little box whear aw kept cannels. Awm just th' same as if aw can see

mysen nah, as aw wor then, sat daan oth edge oth bed an' th' five paand

nooat on th' table anent me, studdyin what to buy. Aw varily believe 'at

aw bowt one hauf oth taan o' Halifax, i' mi mind, before aw went

to sleep; an aw didn't goa to sleep soa easily that neet as usual,

for after aw'd put th' cannel aght, aw bethowt me 'at skyleet mud be

left unfastened, an' soa aw had to get up an see. When aw'd getten to

bed agean aw felt sewer aw could hear summat stir under th' bed, an' aw

listened for a long time an' then aw felt sure ther wor somdy tryin to

breik into th' haase, for aw could hear' em sawin away as if to cut a

pannel aght oth door. At last aw thowt awd wakken up some o' awr fowk an

let 'em know, but as sooin as aw oppened th' door aw heeard it wor mi

father snorin, soa a crept back to bed. Aw wor just droppin off to sleep

when a thowt struck me, 'at maybe some on 'em ud be comin up stairs ith

mornin before aw wakkened, an' they'd be sure to see that five paand

nooat, an' then aw should have to give an' accaant on it, an' mi

father'd be sure to say he'd tak care on it for me, an' aw know what

that meant, soa aw jumped up age an an' put it under th' piller. Aw did

fall asleep in a while, but aw wakkened i' gooid time ith mornin an' th'

furst thing aw luk'd for wor that nooat, an' thear it wor, all reight.

Then aw gate up an walked aght a bit wol th' braikfast wor ready. Aw

hadn't gooan far when aw met a chap smokin a cigar, an' thinks aw, awl

have a cigar. Soa aw went into a shop an' axed far a gaoid cigar. 'Do yo

want it very mild?' he axed. 'Noa,' aw sed, 'let me have it as strong as

owt yo have.' For, thinks aw, aw'l let him see at awm noa new

beginner,--tho to spaik th' truth aw dooant think aw'd iver smok'd hauf

a duzzen i'mi life. 'That's the best and strongest cigar you can buy,'

he sed, holdin one up between his finger an thumb, but keepin a gooid

distance off. 'Weel,' aw sed, 'aw'l tak that.' 'But these cigars are

sixpence each.' Is that all?' aw sed, as aw threw daan mi five

paand nooat. As sooin as he saw that he picked it up an' held it up to

th' leet, an stroked it, and luk'd at me an' smiled; and he seemed to

tak a fancy to me all at once, an' axed m'e whear aw lived, an what they

call'd me, an' a lot o' things beside. Then he gave me a leet for mi

cigar, an' he sed he thowt aw wor a judge ov a cigar as sooin as he saw

me, an' he had just one box 'at he'd like me to give my opinion on.

Weel, aw worn't gooin to say at aw didn't know th' difference between a

penny cigar an' one worth a shillin, soa he showed me a box, an' aw

luk'd at 'em an' smel'd at 'em, an' tried to luk wise, an then aw sed,

they did seem a varry nice cigar. 'You are right, sir,' he sed, 'I see

you understand them,--I wish there were a few more like you.' An then he

sed in a whisper, 'at that wor th' only box he had o' that sooart, in

fact ther'd niver nobbut been that an' another, a'n t'other wor sent as

a present to th' Duke o' Wellington, but th' Duke, he sed wornt hauf as

gooid a judge as aw wor; an' he'd sell me that box for two paand, an' it

wor worth three. Aw wor beginnin to feel a bit sickly wi that aw wor

smokin, an' aw didn't care to tawk mich, an' as he hadn't given me onny

change, aw just nodded mi heead, and he had lapped up th' box in a

crack, and handed it me, an three soverings, an' wished me gooid day an

hoped aw'd call agean, and bowed me aght oth shop i' less time nor it

taks to tell it. As sooin as awd getten a few yards away, aw threw mi

cigar into th' street an' detarmined aw'd niver smook agean befoore

braikfast. Them cigars didn't last long, for ov coarse aw allus carried

a lot i' mi pocket, an' as that used to spoil' em a friend o' mine

persuaded me to buy a cigar case. He sell'd it me varry cheap, nobbut

ten shillin; an' then another gate me to subscribe a guinea to a cricket

club, an' aw wondered ha it wor 'at aw'd niver made friends wi'

some o'th' members befoor, for they wor a nice lot. At th' end of

three days mi cigars wor all done, an' soa wor mi five paand nooat. All

aw had wor a empty cigar box, a pastboard cigar case worth abaat

sixpence, a ticket 'at entitled me to visit all th' cricket matches

free,--but as th' season wor just endin it wor o' noa use,--an' had a

sooart ov an inklin 'at ther wor some truth i'mi father's words 'at aw

worn't old enuff to be trusted wi' brass.

Aw went to bed, an' fell asleep withaat once thinkin abaat thieves; an'

ther's noa daat 'at what yo loise i' brass yo oft tinles gain i'

knowledge, for aw niver forgate th' fate o mi furst five paand nooat.

Silly Billy.

He wor a queer sooart of a chap wor Billy--allus makkin a fooil ov

hissen or else somedy wor makkin a fooil o' him. He wor a very quiet

chap too tho ivery nah an' then he gave hissen a bit ov a leetnin' i'th'

shap ov a rant, or as he used to call it, a 'gooid brust.' It woint oft

he did that sooart o' thing, but when he did he carried it on for a wick

or a fortnit, an' altho' his father had left a nice little farm for him

an' his mother, yet it sooin dwindled to nowt, for what wi' neglectin

his wark, an' spendin a bit o' brass, it wor like a cannel lit at booath

ends, it sooin swealed up. Aw remember one day when he'd been drinkin

till his brass wor done, he coom hooam to ax his mother to give him some

moor, an' coss shoo said shoo wod'nt he declared he'd set th' lathe o'

fire; but sho wodn't give him onny, soa he went into th' lathe, an' in a

bit one o'th' neighbors saw him gaping at tother side o'th' street an'

went up to ax him what he wor starin at?

"It'll tinkle tip in a bit," sed Billy an' in a bit it did 'tinkle up,'

for he'd set th' haymoo o' fire, an' in abaght an haar, booath th' lathe

an' all 'at wor in it wor burned to th' graand. "Aw tell'd her aw'd do

it," he sed, "an' aw'm nooan to be licked when aw start."

Th' poor owd woman wor sadly troubled, but what could shoo do, for what

could ony body expect throo Silly Billy?

Shoo used to have some queer ways did Nancy; an' one system o' her's wor

allus to do iverything like clock wark. When Billy wor having one ov his

bits o' sprees, an' stoped away for two or three days, shoo allus made

him his porrige ivery marnin, an' if he worn't thear to ait 'em shoo

put' em i'th' cupbord, all in a row, an' when he did come, he could'nt

get a bite o' owt else till he'd finished' em all, soa he used to start

at th' oldest furst, an' as th' owd woman kept on makkin moor ivery

mornin, it wor noa easy job to ovettak 'em, an' be able to sit daan to a

warm meal. But like monny a one beside, altho' he wor soa mich put

abaght, it did'nt cure him; but when he'd had a doo, an' been two or

three days at cold poltices; as he call'd em, he used to say, "Niver noa

moor! If aw once get ovver this, yo'll niver catch me at that bat agean!

It's towt me a lesson 'as this." An' noa daat it had, but he varry sooin

forgate it.

Ov coarse, when th' brass wor all done, he had to work a bit, an' aw

recollect when he started business ov his own hook, fowk used to plague

him sadly, an' weel they mud, for he gate a donkey an panniers an'

started to sell puttates an' greehs; but it soa happened, 'at one mornin

he'd nobbut as monny puttates as ud fill one pannier, an' as he put' em

i' one it made it side heavy, soa he gate a lot o' big stooans an' put

'em i'th' tother to balance it a bit, an' then he started off. But he

hadn't gooan far when a chap met him an' sed, "what are ta sellin,

Billy?" "Aw'm hawkin puttates," he sed. "Why, what's all thease stooans

for, has ta started o' leeadin balder?" "Noa," he sed, (an' then gave

him a sly wink as mich as to say aw'l let thee into a secret), "but does

ta see, aw'd nobbut as mich brass as ud buy one pannier full, soa aw wor

foorced to put stooans it th' tother to mak it balance." "Why,

lumphead!" sed th' chap, "couldn't ta put one hauf into one, an' tother

into tother?" Billy scratched his heead for a minit an' then sed, "e'ea!

but aw see a better road nor that--aw'l put hauf o'th' stooans amang th'

puttates, an' hauf o'th' puttates, amang th' stooans, an' then aw'st be

sure to have it." "Why but cannot ta mak 'em balance baght stooans, tup

heead?" sed th' chap. "Ov coorse aw con! aw niver thowt o' that," sed

Billy, an' he started an' squared 'em aght. But he niver made mich aght

o' hawkin, for he could niver leearn th' difference between six dozen

dozens and hauf a dozen dozens, an fowk 'at wor sharper used to chait

him mony a bit.