"THE FEAST OF REASON AND THE FLOW OF SOUL"--STAPLETON, ON HUMAN NATURE,
PROVES THE FORMER; THE DOMINIE, IN HIS MELTING MOOD, THE LATTER--SALL'S
SHOE PARTICULARLY NOTED, AND THE TRUE "READING MADE EASY" OF A MIND AT
EASE, BY OLD TOM.
The afternoon of the next day I heard a well-known voice, which carolled
forth, as Mary huddled up her books, and put them out of the way; for at
that time I was, as usual, giving her a lesson:--
"And many strange sights I've seen,
And long I've been a rover,
And everywhere I've been,
But now the wars are over.
I've been across the line,
Where the sun will burn your nose off;
And I've been in northern climes,
Where the frost would bite your toes off.
Fal de ral, fal de ral, fal de ral de liddy."
"Heave a-head, Tom, and let me stump up at my leisure. It's like
warping 'gainst wind and tide with me--and I gets up about as fast as
lawyers go to heaven."
I thought when Tom came up first that he had been at unusual trouble in
setting off his person, and certainly a better-looking, frank, open,
merry countenance was seldom to be seen. In person he was about an inch
taller than I, athletic, and well formed. He made up to Mary, who,
perceiving his impatience, and either to check him before me, or else
from her usual feeling of coquetry, received him rather distantly, and
went up to old Tom, with whom she shook hands warmly.
"Whew! what's in the wind now, Jacob? Why, we parted the best friends
in the world," said Tom, looking at Mary.
"Sheer off yourself, Tom," replied I, laughing; "and you'll see that
she'll come to again."
"Oh, oh! so the wind's in that quarter, is it?" replied Tom. "With all
my heart--I can show false colours as well as she can. But I say,
Jacob, before I begin my manoeuvres, tell me if you wish me to hoist the
neutral flag--for I won't interfere with you."
"Here's my hand upon it, Tom, that the coast is clear as far as I'm
concerned; but take care--she's a clipper, and not unlikely to slip
through your fingers, even when you have her under your lee, within
hail."
"Let me alone, Jacob, for that."
"And more, Tom, when you're in possession of her, she will require a
good man at the helm."
"Then she's just the craft after my fancy. I hate your steady,
slow-sailing craft, that will steer themselves, almost; give me one that
requires to be managed by a man and a seaman."
"If well manned, she will do anything, depend upon it, Tom, for she's as
sound below as possible; and although she is down to her bearings on the
puff of the moment, yet she'd not careen further."
"Well, then, Jacob, all's right; and now you've told me what tack she's
on, see if I don't shape a course to cut her off."
"Well, Jacob, my good boy, so you've been under the water again; I
thought you had enough of it when Fleming gave you such a twist; but,
however, this time you went to sarve a friend, which was all right. My
sarvice to you Mr Stapleton," continued old Tom, as Stapleton made his
appearance. "I was talking to Jacob about his last dive."
"Nothing but human natur'," replied Stapleton.
"Well, now," replied old Tom, "I consider that going plump into the
river, when covered with ice, to be quite contrary to human natur'."
"But not to save a friend, father?"
"No--because, that be Jacob's nature; so you see one nature conquered
the other, and that's the whole long and short of it."
"Well, now, suppose we sit down and make ourselves comfortable,"
observed Stapleton; "but here be somebody else coming up--who can it
be?"
"I say, old codger, considering you be as deaf as a post, you hears
pretty well," said old Tom.
"Yes, I hear very well in the house, provided people don't speak loud."
"Well, that's a queer sort of deafness; I think we are all troubled with
the same complaint," cried Tom, laughing.
During this remark, the Dominie made his appearance. "_Salve Domine_,"
said I upon his entering, taking my worthy pedagogue by the hand.
"_Et tu quoque, fili mi, Jacobe_! But whom have we here? the deaf man,
the maiden, and--ehu!--the old man called old Tom, and likewise the
young Tom;" and the Dominie looked very grave.
"Nay, sir," said young Tom, going up to the Dominie; "I know you are
angry with us, because we both drank too much when we were last in your
company; but we promise--don't we father?--not to do so again."
This judicious reply of young Tom's put the Dominie more at his ease;
what he most feared was raillery and exposure on their parts.
"Very true, old gentleman; Tom and I did bowse our jibs up a little too
taut when we last met--but what then?--there was the grog, and there was
nothing to do."
"All human natur'," observed Stapleton.
"Come, sir, you have not said one word to me," said Mary, going up to
the Dominie. "Now you must sit down by me, and take care of me, and see
that they all behave themselves and keep sober."
The Dominie cast a look at Mary, which was intended for her alone, but
which was not unperceived by young Tom or me. "We shall have some fun,
Jacob," said he, aside, as we all sat down to the table, which just
admitted six, with close stowage. The Dominie on one side of Mary, Tom
on the other, Stapleton next to Tom, then I and old Tom, who closed in
on the other side of the Dominie, putting one of his timber toes on the
old gentleman's corns, which induced him to lift up his leg in a hurry,
and draw his chair still closer to Mary, to avoid a repetition of the
accident; while old Tom was axing pardon, and Stapleton demonstrating
that, on the part of old Tom, not to _feel_ with a wooden leg, and on
the part of the Dominie, to _feel_ with a bad corn, was all nothing but
"_human natur'_." At last we were all seated, and Mary, who had
provided for the evening, produced two or three pots of beer, a bottle
of spirits, pipes, and tobacco.
"Liberty Hall--I smokes," said Stapleton, lighting his pipe, and falling
back on his chair.
"I'll put a bit of clay in my mouth too," followed up old Tom; "it makes
one thirsty, and enjoy one's liquor."
"Well, I malts," said Tom, reaching a pot of porter, and taking a long
pull. "What do you do, Jacob?"
"I shall wait a little, Tom."
"And what do you do, sir?" said Mary to the Dominie. The Dominie shook
his head. "Nay but you must--or I shall think you do not like my
company. Come, let me fill a pipe for you." Mary filled a pipe, and
handed it to the Dominie, who hesitated, looked at her, and was
overcome. He lighted it, and smoked furiously.
"The ice is breaking up--we shall have a change of weather--the moon
quarters to-morrow," observed old Tom, puffing between every
observation; "and then honest men may earn their bread again. Bad times
for you, old codger, heh!" continued he, addressing Stapleton.
Stapleton nodded an assent through the smoke, which was first perceived
by old Tom. "Well, he ar'nt deaf, a'ter all; I thought he was only
shamming a bit. I say, Jacob, this is the weather to blow your fingers,
and make your eyes bright."
"Rather to blow a cloud and make your eyes water," replied Tom, taking
up the pot: "I'm just as thirsty with swallowing smoke, as if I had a
pipe myself--at all events, I pipe my eye. Jacob," continued Tom, to me
apart, "do look how the old gentleman is _funking_ Mary, and casting
sheeps' eyes at her through the smoke."
"He appears as if he were inclined to board her in the smoke," replied
I.
"Yes, and she to make no fight of it, but surrender immediately," said
Tom.
"Don't you believe it, Tom; I know her better; she wants to laugh at
him--nothing more; she winked her eye at me just now, but I would not
laugh, as I did not choose that the old gentleman should be trifled
with. I will tax her severely to-morrow."
During all this time old Tom and Stapleton smoked in silence: the
Dominie made use of his eyes in dumb parlance to Mary, who answered him
with her own bright glances, and Tom and I began to find it rather dull;
when at last old Tom's pipe was exhausted, and he laid it down; "There,
I'll smoke no more--the worst of a pipe is that one can't smoke and talk
at the same time. Mary, my girl, take your eyes off the Dominie's nose,
and hand me that bottle of stuff. What, glass to mix it in; that's more
genteel than we are on board, Tom." Tom filled a rummer of grog, took
half off at a huge sip, and put it down on the table. "Will you do as
we do, sir?" said he, addressing the Dominie.
"Nay, friend Dux, nay--pr'ythee persuade me not--avaunt!" and the
Dominie, with an appearance of horror, turned away from the bottle
handed towards him by old Tom.
"Not drink anything?" said Mary to the Dominie, looking at him with
surprise, "but indeed you must, or I shall think you despise us, and do
not think us fit to be in your company."
"Nay, maiden, entreat me not. Ask anything of me but this," replied the
Dominie.
"Ask anything but this--that's just the way people have of refusing,"
replied Mary; "were I to ask anything else, it would be the same
answer--`ask anything but this.' Now, if you will not drink to please
me, I shall quarrel with you. You shall drink a glass, and I'll mix it
for you." The Dominie shook his head. Mary made a glass of grog, and
then put it to her lips. "Now, if you refuse to drink it, after I have
tasted it, I'll never speak to you again." So saying, she handed the
glass to the Dominie.
"Verily, maiden, I must needs refuse, for I did make a mental vow."
"What vow was that? was it sworn on the Bible?"
"Nay, not on the sacred book, but in my thoughts most solemnly."
"Oh! I make those vows every day, and never keep one of them; so that
won't do. Now, observe, I give you one more chance. I shall drink a
little more, and if you do not immediately put your lips to the same
part of the tumbler, I'll never drink to you again;" Mary put the
tumbler again to her lips, drank a little, with her eyes fixed upon the
Dominie, who watched her with distended nostrils and muscular agitation
of countenance. With her sweetest smile, she handed him the tumbler;
the Dominie half held out his hand, withdrew it, put it down again, and
by degrees took the tumbler. Mary conquered, and I watched the malice
of her look as the liquor trickled down the Dominie's throat. Tom and I
exchanged glances. The Dominie put down the tumbler, and then, looking
round, like a guilty person, coloured up to the eyes; but Mary, who
perceived that her victory was but half achieved, put her hand upon his
shoulder, and asked him to let her taste the grog again. I also, to
make him feel more at ease, helped myself to a glass. Tom did the same,
and old Tom with more regard to the feelings of the Dominie than in his
own bluntness of character I would have given him credit for, said in a
quiet tone, "The old gentleman is afraid of grog, because he seed me
take a drop too much, but that's no reason why grog ar'n't a good thing,
and wholesome in moderation. A glass or two is very well, and better
still when sweetened by the lips of a pretty girl; and, even if the
Dominie does not like it, he's too much of a gentleman not to give up
his dislikes to please a lady. More's the merit; for, if he did like
it, it would be no sacrifice, that's sartain. Don't you think so, my
old boozer?" continued he, addressing Stapleton, who smoked in silence.
"Human natur'," replied Stapleton, taking the pipe out of his mouth, and
spitting under the table.
"Very true, master; and so here's to your health, Mr Dominie, and may
you never want a pretty girl to talk to, or a glass of grog to drink her
health with."
"Oh, but the Dominie don't care about pretty girls, father," replied
Tom; "he's too learned and clever; he thinks about nothing but the moon,
and Latin and Greek, and all that."
"Who can say what's under the skin, Tom? There's no knowing what is,
and what isn't--Sall's shoe for that."
"Never heard of Sall's shoe, father; that's new to me."
"Didn't I ever tell you that, Tom?--Well, then, you shall have it now--
that is, if all the company be agreeable."
"Oh, yes," cried Mary; "pray tell us."
"Would you like to hear it, sir?"
"I never heard of Sall Sue in my life, and would fain hear her history,"
replied the Dominie; "proceed, friend Dux."
"Well, then, you must know when I was a-board of the Terp-sy-chore,
there was a fore-topman, of the name of Bill Harness, a good sort of
chap enough, but rather soft in the upper-works. Now, we'd been on the
Jamaica station for some years, and had come home, and merry enough, and
happy enough we were (those that were left of us), and we were spending
our money like the devil. Bill Harness had a wife, who was very fond of
he, and he was very fond of she, but she was a slatternly sort of a
body, never tidy in her rigging, all adrift at all times, and what's
more, she never had a shoe up at heel, so she went by the name of
Slatternly Sall, and the first lieutenant, who was a 'ticular sort of a
chap, never liked to see her on deck, for you see she put her hair in
paper on New Year's day, and never changed it or took it out till the
year came round again. However, be it as it may be, she loved Bill, and
Bill loved she, and they were very happy together. A'ter all, it ain't
whether a woman's tidy without that makes a man's happiness; it depends
upon whether she be right within; that is, if she be good-tempered, and
obliging, and civil, and 'commodating, and so forth. A'ter the first
day or two, person's nothing--eyes get palled, like the cap-stern when
the anchor's up to the bows; but what a man likes is, not to be
disturbed by vagaries, or gusts of temper. Well, Bill was happy--but
one day he was devilish unhappy, because Sall had lost one of her shoes,
which wasn't to be wondered at, considering as how she was always
slipshod. `Who has seen my wife's shoe?' says he. `Hang your wife's
shoe,' said one, `it warn't worth casting an eye upon;' Still he cried
out, `Who has seen my wife's shoe?' `I seed it,' says another.
`Where?' says Bill. `I seed it down at heel,' says the fellow. But
Bill still hallooed out about his wife's shoe, which it appeared she had
dropped off her foot as she was going up the forecastle ladder to take
the air a bit, just as it was dark. At last Bill made so much fuss
about it that the ship's company laughed, and all called out to each
other, `Who has seen Sall's shoe?--Have you got Sall's shoe?' and they
passed the word fore and aft the whole evening, till they went to their
hammocks. Notwithstanding, as Sall's shoe was not forthcoming, the next
morning Bill goes on the quarter-deck, and complains to the first
lieutenant, as how he had lost Sall's shoe. `Damn Sall's shoe,' said
he, `haven't I enough to look after without your wife's confounded
shoes, which can't be worth twopence?' Well, Bill argues that his wife
had only one shoe left, and that won't keep two feet dry, and begs the
first lieutenant to order a search for it; but the first lieutenant
turns away, and tells him to go to the devil, and all the men grin at
Bill's making such a fuss about nothing. So Bill at last goes up to the
first lieutenant, and whispers something, and the first lieutenant booms
him off with his speaking trumpet, as if he were making too free, in
whispering to his commanding officer, and then sends for the
master-at-arms. `Collier,' says he, `this man has lost his wife's shoe:
let a search be made for it immediately--take all the ship's boys, and
look everywhere for it; if you find it bring it up to me.' So away goes
the master-at-arms with his cane, and collects all the boys to look for
Sall's shoe--and they go peeping about the maindeck, under the guns, and
under the hen-coops, and in the sheep-pen, and everywhere; now and then
getting a smart slap with the cane behind, upon the taut part of their
trowsers, to make them look sharp, until they all wished Sall's shoe at
Old Nick, and her too, and Bill in the bargain. At last one of the boys
picks it out of the manger, where it had lain all the night, poked up
and down by the noses of the pigs, who didn't think it eatable, although
it might have smelt human-like; the fact was, it was the same boy who
had picked up Sall's shoe when she dropped it, and had shied it forward.
It sartainly did not seem to be worth all the trouble, but howsomever
it was taken aft by the master-at-arms, and laid on the capstern head.
Then Bill steps out and takes the shoe before the first lieutenant, and
cuts it open, and from between the lining pulls out four ten pound
notes, which Sall had sewn up there by way of security; and the first
lieutenant tells Bill he was a great fool to trust his money in the shoe
of a woman who always went slipshod, and tells him to go about his
business, and stow his money away in a safer place next time. A'ter, if
any thing was better than it looked to be, the ship's company used
always to say it was like _Sall's shoe_. There you have it all."
"Well," says Stapleton, taking the pipe out of his mouth, "I know a
fact, much of a muchness with that, which happened to me when I was
below the river, tending a ship at Sheerness--for at one time, d'ye see,
I used to ply there. She was an old fifty-gun ship, called the Adamant,
if I recollect right. One day the first lieutenant, who, like yourn,
was a mighty particular sort of chap, was going round the maindeck, and
he sees an old pair of canvas trowsers stowed in under the trunnion of
one of the guns. So says he, `Whose be these?' Now, no man would
answer, because they knowed very well that it would be as good as a
fortnight in the black list. With that, the first lieutenant bundles
them out of the port, and away they floats astern with the tide. It was
about half-an-hour after that, that I comes off with the milk for the
wardroom mess, and a man named Will Heaviside says to me, `Stapleton,'
says he, `the first lieutenant has thrown my canvas trowsers overboard,
and be damned to him; now I must have them back.' `But where be they?'
says I: `I suppose down at the bottom by this time, and the flat-fish
dubbing their noses into them.' `No, no,' says he, `they wo'n't never
sink, but float till eternity; they be gone down with the tide, and they
will come back again; only you keep a sharp look-out for them, and I'll
give you five shillings if you bring them.' Well, I seed little chance
of ever seeing them again, or of my seeing five shillings, but as it so
happened next tide, the very 'denticle pair of trowsers comes up staring
me in the face. I pulls them in, and takes them to Will Heaviside, who
appears to be mightily pleased, and gives me the money. `I wouldn't
have lost them for ten, no, not fur twenty pounds,' says he. `At all
events you've paid me more than they are worth,' says I. `Have I?' says
he; `stop a bit;' and he outs with his knife, and rips open the
waistband, and pulls out a piece of linen, and out of the piece of linen
he pulls out a _child's caul_. `There,' says he, `now you knows why the
trowsers wouldn't sink, and I'll leave you to judge whether they ar'n't
worth five shillings.' That's my story."
"Well, I can't understand how it is, that a caul should keep people up,"
observed old Tom.
"At all events, a _call_ makes people come up fast enough on board a
man-of-war, father."
"That's true enough, but I'm talking of a child's caul, not of a
boatswain's, Tom."
"I'll just tell you how it is," replied Stapleton, who had recommenced
smoking; "it's _human natur'_."
"What is your opinion, sir?" said Mary to the Dominie.
"Maiden," replied the Dominie, taking his pipe out of his mouth, "I
opine that it's a vulgar error. Sir Thomas Brown, I think it is, hath
the same idea; many and strange were the superstitions which have been
handed down by our less enlightened ancestors--all of which mists have
been cleared away by the powerful rays of truth."
"Well, but, master, if a vulgar error saves a man from Davy Jones's
locker, ar'n't it just as well to sew it up in the waistband of your
trowsers?"
"Granted, good Dux; if it would save a man; but how is it possible? it
is contrary to the first elements of science."
"What matter does that make, provided it holds a man up?"
"Friend Dux, thou art obtuse."
"Well, perhaps I am, as I don't know what that is."
"But, father, don't you recollect," interrupted Tom, "what the parson
said last Sunday, that faith saved men? Now, Master Dominie, may it not
be faith that a man has in the _caul_ which may save him?"
"Young Tom, thou art astute."
"Well, perhaps I am, as father said, for I don't know what that is. You
knock us all down with your dictionary."
"Well I do love to hear people make use of such hard words," said Mary,
looking at the Dominie. "How very clever you must be, sir! I wonder
whether I shall ever understand them?"
"Nay, if thou wilt, I will initiate--sweet maiden, wilt steal an hour or
so to impregnate thy mind with the seeds of learning, which, in so fair
a soil, must needs bring forth good fruit!"
"That's a fine word, that _impregnate_--will you give us the English of
it, sir?" said young Tom to the Dominie.
"It is English, Tom, only the old gentleman _razeed_ it a little. The
third ship in the lee line of the Channel fleet was a eighty, called the
_Impregnable_, but the old gentleman knows more about books than sea
matters."
"A marvellous misconception," quoth the Dominie.
"There's another," cried Tom, laughing; "that must be a three-decker.
Come, father, here's the bottle, you must take another glass to wash
that down."
"Pray what was the meaning of that last long word, sir," said Mary,
taking the Dominie by the arm, "mis--something."
"The word," replied the Dominie, "is a compound from conception,
borrowed from the Latin tongue implying conceiving; and the _mis_
prefixed, which negatives or reverses the meaning; misconception,
therefore, implies not to conceive. I can make you acquainted with many
others of a similar tendency as _mis_-conception; videlicet, _mis_-
apprehension, _mis_-understanding, _mis_-contriving _mis_-applying,
_mis_--"
"Dear me, what a many _misses_," cried Mary, "and do you know them all?"
"Indeed do I," replied the Dominie, "and many, many more are treasured
in my memory, _quod nunc describere tongum est_."
"I'd no idea that the old gentleman was given to running after the girls
in that way," said old Tom to Stapleton.
"Human natur'," replied the other.
"No more did I," continued Mary; "I shall have nothing to say to him;"
and she drew off her chair a few inches from that of the Dominie.
"Maiden," quoth the Dominie, "thou art under a mistake."
"Another miss, I declare," cried Tom, laughing.
"What an old Turk!" continued Mary, getting further off.
"Nay, then, I will not reply," said the Dominie indignantly, putting
down his pipe, leaning back on his chair, and pulling out his great red
handkerchief, which he applied to his nose, and produced a sound that
made the windows of the little parlour vibrate for some seconds.
"I say, master Tom, don't you make too free with your betters," said old
Tom, when he saw the Dominie affronted.
"Nay," replied the Dominie, "there's an old adage which saith, `As the
old cock crows, so doth the young.' Wherefore didst thou set him the
example?"
"Very true, old gentleman, and I axes your pardon, and here's my hand
upon it."
"And so do I, sir, and here's my hand upon it," said young Tom,
extending his hand on the Dominie's other side.
"Friend Dux, and thou, young Tom, I do willingly accept thy proffered
reconciliation; knowing, as I well do, that there may be much mischief
in thy composition, but naught of malice." The Dominie extended his
hands, and shook both those offered to him warmly.
"There," said old Tom, "now my mind's at ease, as old Pigtown said."
"I know not the author whom thou quotest from, good Dux."
"Author!--I never said he was an author; he was only captain of a
schooner, trading between the islands, that I sailed with a few weeks in
the West Indies."
"Perhaps, then, you will relate to the company present the circumstances
which took place to put old Pegtop's--(I may not be correct in the
name)--but whoever it may be--"
"Pigtown, master."
"Well, then--that put old Pigtown's mind at ease--for I am marvellously
amused with thy narrations, which do pass away the time most agreeably,
good Dux."
"With all my heart, old gentleman; but first let us fill up our
tumblers. I don't know how it is, but it does appear to me that grog
drinks better out of a glass than out of metal and if it wasn't that Tom
is so careless--and the dog has no respect for crockery any more than
persons--I would have one or two on board for particular service; but
I'll think about that, and hear what the old woman has to say on the
subject. Now to my yarn. D'ye see, old Pigtown commanded a little
schooner, which plied between the isles, and he had been in her for a
matter of forty years, and was as well-known as Port Royal Tom."
"Who might Port Royal Tom be?" inquired the Dominie; "a relation of
yours?"
"I hope not, master, for I wanted none of his acquaintance; he was a
shark about twenty feet long who rode guard in the harbour, to prevent
the men-of-war's men from deserting, and was pensioned by government."
"Pensioned by government! nay, but that soundeth strangely. I have
heard that pensions have been most lavishly bestowed, but not that it
extended so far. Truly it must have been a _sinecure_."
"I don't know what that last may be," replied old Tom, "but I heard our
boatswain, in the _Minerve_, who talked politics a bit, say, `as how
half the pensions were held by a pack of damned sharks;' but in this
here shark's case, it wasn't in money, master; but he'd regular rations
of bullock's liver to persuade him to remain in the harbour, and no one
dare swim on shore when he was cruising round and round the ships.
Well, old Pigtown, with his white trousers and straw hat, red nose and
big belly, was as well-known as could be, and was a capital old fellow
for remembering and executing commissions, provided you gave him the
money first; if not, he always took care to forget them. Old Pigtown
had a son, a little dark or so, which proved that his mother wasn't
quite as fair as a lily, and this son was employed in a drogher, that
is, a small craft which goes round to the bays of the island, and takes
off the sugars to the West India traders. One fine day the drogher was
driven out to sea, and never heard of a'terwards. Now, old Pigtown was
very anxious about what had come of his son, and day after day expected
he would come back again; but he never did, for very good reasons, as
you shall hear by-and-by; and every one knowing old Pigtown, and he
knowing everybody, it was at least fifty times a day that the question
was put to him, `Well, Pigtown, have you heard anything of your son?'
And fifty times a day he would reply, `No; and _my mind's but ill at
ease_.' Well, it was two or three months afterwards, that when I was in
the schooner with him, as we lay becalmed between the islands, with the
sun frizzing our wigs, and the planks so hot that you couldn't walk
without your shoes, that we hooked a large shark which came bowling
under our counter, got him on board and cut him up. When we opened his
inside, what should I see but something shining. I took it out, and
sure enough it was a silver watch. So I hands it to old Pigtown. He
looks at it very 'tentively, opens the outside case, reads the maker's
name, and then shuts it up again. `This here watch,' says he, `belonged
to my son Jack. I bought it of a chap in a South whaler for three
dollars and a roll of pigtail, and a very good watch it was, though I
perceive it to be stopped now. Now, d'ye see, it's all clear--the
drogher must have gone down in a squall--the shark must have picked up
my son Jack, and must have _digested_ his body, but has not been able to
_digest_ his watch. Now I knows what's become of him, and so--_my
mind's at ease_.'"
"Well," observed old Stapleton, "I agrees with old Poptown, or whatever
his name might be, that it were better to know the worst at once than to
be kept on the worry all your days; I consider it's nothing but human
natur'. Why, if one has a bad tooth, which is the best plan, to have it
out with one good wrench, or to be eternally tormented, night and day."
"Thou speakest wisely, friend Stapleton, and like a man of resolve--the
anticipation is often, if not always, more painful than the reality.
Thou knowest, Jacob, how often I have allowed a boy to remain unbuttoned
in the centre of the room for an hour previous to the application of the
birch--and it was with the consideration that the impression would be
greater upon his mind than even upon his nether parts. All of the
feelings in the human breast, that of suspense is--"
"Worse than _hanging_," interrupted young Tom.
"Even so, boy [_cluck, cluck_], an apt comparison, seeing that in
suspense you are hanging, as it were, in the very region of doubt,
without being able to obtain a footing even upon conjecture. Nay, we
may further add another simile, although not so well borne out, which
is, that the agony of suspense doth stop the breath of a man for the
time, as hanging doth stop it altogether, so that it may be truly said,
that suspense is put an end to by suspending." [_cluck, cluck_.]
"And now that you've got rid of all that, master, suppose you fill up
your pipe," observed old Tom.
"And I will fill up your tumbler, sir," said Mary; "for you must be dry
with talking such hard words."
The Dominie this time made no objection, and again enveloped Mary and
himself in a cloud of smoke, through which his nose loomed like an
Indiaman in a Channel fog.