It hath reached me, O auspicious King, that there was once at Baghdad,
in the Caliphate of Harun al-Rashid, a man and a merchant, who had a son
Abú al-Hasan-al-Khalí’a by name.[2] The merchant died leaving great
store of wealth to his heir who divided it into two equal parts, whereof
he laid up one and spent of the other half; and he fell to companying
with Persians[3] and with the sons of the merchants and he gave himself
up to good drinking and good eating, till all the wealth[4] he had with
him was wasted and wantoned; whereupon he betook himself to his friends
and comrades and cup-companions and expounded to them his case,
discovering to them the failure of that which was in his hand of wealth.
But not one of them took heed of him or even deigned answer him. So he
returned to his mother (and indeed his spirit was broken) and related to
her that which had happened to him and what had befallen him from his
friends, how they had neither shared with him nor requited him with
speech. Quoth she, “O Abu al-Hasan, on this wise are the sons[5] of this
time: an thou have aught, they draw thee near to them,[6] and if thou
have naught, they put thee away from them.” And she went on to condole
with him, what while he bewailed himself and his tears flowed and he
repeated these lines:—
An wane my wealth, no man will succour me, ✿ When my wealth waxeth all
men friendly show:
How many a friend, for wealth showed friendliness ✿ Who, when my wealth
departed, turned to foe!
Then he sprang up and going to the place wherein was the other half of
his good, took it and lived with it well; and he sware that he would
never again consort with a single one of those he had known, but would
company only with the stranger nor entertain even him but one night and
that, when it morrowed, he would never know him more. Accordingly he
fell to sitting every eventide on the bridge over Tigris and looking at
each one who passed by him; and if he saw him to be a stranger, he made
friends with him and carried him to his house, where he conversed and
caroused with him all night till morning. Then he dismissed him and
would never more salute him with the Salam nor ever more drew near unto
him neither invited him again. Thus he continued to do for the space of
a full year, till, one day, while he sat on the bridge, as was his wont,
expecting who should come to him so he might take him and pass the night
with him, behold, up came the Caliph and Masrur, the Sworder of his
vengeance[7] disguised in merchants’ dress, according to their custom.
So Abu al-Hasan looked at them and rising, because he knew them not,
asked them, “What say ye? Will ye go with me to my dwelling-place, so ye
may eat what is ready and drink what is at hand, to wit,
platter-bread[8] and meat cooked and wine strained?” The Caliph refused
this, but he conjured him and said to him, “Allah upon thee, O my lord,
go with me, for thou art my guest this night, and baulk not my hopes of
thee!” And he ceased not to press him till he consented; whereat Abu
al-Hasan rejoiced and walking on before him, gave not over talking with
him till they came to his house and he carried the Caliph into the
saloon. Al-Rashid entered a hall such as an thou sawest it and gazedst
upon its walls, thou hadst beheld marvels; and hadst thou looked
narrowly at its water-conduits thou wouldst have seen a fountain cased
with gold. The Caliph made his man abide at the door; and, as soon as he
was seated, the host brought him somewhat to eat; so he ate, and Abu
al-Hasan ate with him that eating might be grateful to him. Then he
removed the tray and they washed their hands and the Commander of the
Faithful sat down again; whereupon Abu al-Hasan set on the drinking
vessels and seating himself by his side, fell to filling and giving him
to drink[9] and entertaining him with discourse. And when they had drunk
their sufficiency the host called for a slave-girl like a branch of Bán
who took a lute and sang to it these two couplets:—
O thou aye dwelling in my heart, ✿ Whileas thy form is far from sight,
Thou art my sprite by me unseen, ✿ Yet nearest near art thou, my sprite.
His hospitality pleased the Caliph and the goodliness of his manners,
and he said to him, “O youth, who art thou? Make me acquainted with
thyself, so I may requite thee thy kindness.” But Abu al-Hasan smiled
and said, “O my lord, far be it, alas! that what is past should again
come to pass and that I company with thee at other time than this time!”
The Prince of True Believers asked, “Why so? and why wilt thou not
acquaint me with thy case?” and Abu al-Hasan answered, “Know, O my lord,
that my story is strange and that there is a cause for this affair.”
Quoth Al-Rashid, “And what is the cause?” and quoth he, “The cause hath
a tail.” The Caliph[10] laughed at his words and Abu al-Hasan said, “I
will explain to thee this saying by the tale of the Larrikin and the
Cook. So hear thou, O my lord, the
[Illustration]
_STORY OF THE LARRIKIN[11] AND THE COOK_.”
One of the ne’er-do-wells found himself one fine morning without aught
and the world was straitened upon him and patience failed him; so he lay
down to sleep and ceased not slumbering till the sun stang him and the
foam came out upon his mouth, whereupon he arose, and he was penniless
and had not even so much as a single dirham. Presently he arrived at the
shop of a Cook, who had set his pots and pans over the fire and washed
his saucers and wiped his scales and swept his shop and sprinkled it;
and indeed his fats and oils were clear and clarified and his spices
fragrant and he himself stood behind his cooking-pots ready to serve
customers. So the Larrikin, whose wits had been sharpened by hunger,
went in to him and saluting him, said to him, “Weigh me half a dirham’s
worth of meat and a quarter of a dirham’s worth of boiled grain[12] and
the like of bread.” So the Kitchener weighed it out to him and the
good-for-naught entered the shop, whereupon the man set the food before
him and he ate till he had gobbled up the whole and licked the saucers
and sat perplexed, knowing not how he should do with the Cook concerning
the price of that he had eaten, and turning his eyes about upon
everything in the shop; and as he looked, behold, he caught sight of an
earthen pan lying arsy-versy upon its mouth; so he raised it from the
ground and found under it a horse’s tail, freshly cut off and the blood
oozing from it; whereby he knew that the Cook adulterated his meat with
horseflesh. When he discovered this default, he rejoiced therein and
washing his hands, bowed his head and went out; and when the Kitchener
saw that he went and gave him naught, he cried out, saying, “Stay, O
pest, O burglar!” So the Larrikin stopped and said to him, “Dost thou
cry out upon me and call to me with these words, O cornute?” Whereat the
Cook was angry and coming down from the shop, cried, “What meanest thou
by thy speech, O low fellow, thou that devourest meat and millet and
bread and kitchen and goest forth with ‘the Peace[13] be on thee!’ as it
were the thing had not been, and payest down naught for it?” Quoth the
Lackpenny, “Thou liest, O accursed son of a cuckold!” Whereupon the Cook
cried out and laying hold of his debtor’s collar, said, “O Moslems, this
fellow is my first customer[14] this day and he hath eaten my food and
given me naught.” So the folk gathered about them and blamed the
Ne’er-do-well and said to him, “Give him the price of that which thou
hast eaten.” Quoth he, “I gave him a dirham before I entered the shop;”
and quoth the Cook, “Be everything I sell this day forbidden to me, if
he gave me so much as the name of a coin! By Allah, he gave me naught,
but ate my food and went out and would have made off, without aught
said.” Answered the Larrikin, “I gave thee a dirham,” and he reviled the
Kitchener, who returned his abuse; whereupon he dealt him a buffet and
they gripped and grappled and throttled each other. When the folk saw
them fighting, they came up to them and asked them, “What is this strife
between you, and no cause for it?” and the Lackpenny answered, “Ay, by
Allah, but there is a cause for it, and the cause hath a tail!”
Whereupon, cried the Cook, “Yea, by Allah, now thou mindest me of
thyself and thy dirham! Yes, he gave me a dirham and but a quarter of
the coin is spent. Come back and take the rest of the price of thy
dirham.” For he understood what was to do, at the mention of the tail;
“and I, O my brother” (added Abu al-Hasan), “my story hath a cause,
which I will tell thee.” The Caliph laughed at his speech and said, “By
Allah, this is none other than a pleasant tale! Tell me thy story and
the cause.” Replied the host, “With love and goodly gree! Know, O my
lord, that my name is Abu al-Hasan al-Khalí’a and that my father died
and left me abundant wealth, of which I made two parts. One I laid up
and with the other I betook myself to enjoying the pleasures of
friendship and conviviality and consorting with intimates and
boon-companions and with the sons of the merchants, nor did I leave one
but I caroused with him and he with me, and I lavished all my money on
comrades and good cheer, till there remained with me naught;[15]
whereupon I betook myself to the friends and fellow-topers upon whom I
had wasted my wealth, so perhaps they might provide for my case; but,
when I visited them and went round about to them all, I found no vantage
in one of them, nor would any so much as break a bittock of bread in my
face. So I wept for myself and repairing to my mother, complained to her
of my case. Quoth she:—Such are friends; an thou have aught, they
frequent thee and devour thee, but, an thou have naught, they cast thee
off and chase thee away. Then I brought out the other half of my money
and bound myself by an oath that I would never more entertain any save
one single night, after which I would never again salute him nor notice
him; hence my saying to thee:—Far be it, alas! that what is past should
again come to pass, for I will never again company with thee after this
night.” When the Commander of the Faithful heard this, he laughed a loud
laugh and said, “By Allah, O my brother, thou art indeed excused in this
matter, now that I know the cause and that the cause hath a tail.
Nevertheless, Inshallah, I will not sever myself from thee.” Replied Abu
al-Hasan, “O my guest, did I not say to thee, Far be it, alas! that what
is past should again come to pass? For indeed I will never again
foregather with any!” Then the Caliph rose and the host set before him a
dish of roast goose and a bannock of first-bread[16] and sitting down,
fell to cutting off morsels and morselling the Caliph therewith. They
gave not over eating till they were filled, when Abu al-Hasan brought
basin and ewer and potash[17] and they washed their hands. Then he
lighted three wax-candles and three lamps, and spreading the
drinking-cloth, brought strained wine, clear, old and fragrant, whose
scent was as that of virgin musk. He filled the first cup and saying, “O
my boon-companion, be ceremony laid aside between us by thy leave! Thy
slave is by thee; may I not be afflicted with thy loss!” drank it off
and filled a second cup, which he handed to the Caliph with due
reverence. His fashion pleased the Commander of the Faithful, and the
goodliness of his speech and he said to himself, “By Allah, I will
assuredly requite him for this!” Then Abu al-Hasan filled the cup again
and handed it to the Caliph, reciting these two couplets:[18]—
Had we thy coming known, we would for sacrifice ✿ Have poured thee out
heart’s blood or blackness of the eyes;
Ay, and we would have spread our bosoms in thy way, ✿ That so thy feet
might fare on eyelids, carpet-wise.
When the Caliph heard his verses, he took the cup from his hand and
kissed it and drank it off and returned it to Abu al-Hasan, who make him
an obeisance and filled and drank. Then he filled again and kissing the
cup thrice, recited these lines:—
Your presence honoureth the base, ✿ And we confess the deed of grace;
An you absent yourself from us, ✿ No freke we find to fill your place.
Then he gave the cup to the Caliph, saying, “Drink it in health and
soundness! It doeth away malady and bringeth remedy and setteth the
runnels of health to flow free.” So they ceased not carousing and
conversing till middle-night, when the Caliph said to his host, “O my
brother, hast thou in thy heart a concupiscence thou wouldst have
accomplished or a contingency thou wouldst avert?” Said he, “By Allah,
there is no regret in my heart save that I am not empowered with bidding
and forbidding, so I might manage what is in my mind!” Quoth the
Commander of the Faithful, “By Allah, and again by Allah,[19] O my
brother, tell me what is in thy mind!” And quoth Abu al-Hasan, “Would
Heaven I might be Caliph for one day and avenge myself on my neighbours,
for that in my vicinity is a mosque and therein four shaykhs, who hold
it a grievance when there cometh a guest to me, and they trouble me with
talk and worry me in words and menace me that they will complain of me
to the Prince of True Believers, and indeed they oppress me exceedingly,
and I crave of Allah the Most High power for one day, that I may beat
each and every of them with four hundred lashes, as well as the Imám of
the mosque, and parade them round about the city of Baghdad and bid cry
before them:—This is the reward and the least of the reward of whoso
exceedeth in talk and vexeth the folk and turneth their joy to annoy.
This is what I wish, and no more.” Said the Caliph, “Allah grant thee
that thou seekest! Let us crack one last cup and rise ere the dawn draw
near, and to-morrow night I will be with thee again.” Said Abu al-Hasan,
“Far be it!” Then the Caliph crowned a cup, and putting therein a piece
of Cretan Bhang,[20] gave it to his host and said to him, “My life on
thee, O my brother, drink this cup from my hand!” and Abu al-Hasan
answered, “Ay, by thy life, I will drink it from thy hand.” So he took
it and drank it off; but hardly had it settled in his stomach, when his
head forewent his heels and he fell to the ground like one slain;
whereupon the Caliph went out and said to his slave Masrur, “Go in to
yonder young man, the house master, and take him up and bring him to me
at the palace; and when thou goest out, shut the door.” So saying, he
went away, whilst Masrur entered, and taking up Abu al-Hasan, shut the
door behind him, and made after his master, till he reached with him the
palace what while the night drew to an end and the cocks began
crowing,[21] and set him down before the Commander of the Faithful, who
laughed at him.[22] Then he sent for Ja’afar the Barmecide and when he
came before him, said to him, “Note thou yonder young man” (pointing to
Abu al-Hasan), “and when thou shalt see him to-morrow seated in my place
of estate and on the throne[23] of my Caliphate and clad in my royal
clothing, stand thou in attendance upon him and enjoin the Emirs and
Grandees and the folk of my household and the officers of my realm to be
upon their feet, as in his service and obey him in whatso he shall bid
them do; and thou, if he speak to thee of aught, do it and hearken unto
his say and gainsay him not in anything during this coming day.” Ja’afar
acknowledged the order with “Hearkening and obedience” and withdrew,
whilst the Prince of True Believers went in to the palace women, who
came up to him, and he said to them, “When this sleeper shall awake
to-morrow, kiss ye the ground between his hands, and do ye wait upon him
and gather round about him and clothe him in the royal clothing and
serve him with the service of the Caliphate and deny not aught of his
estate, but say to him, Thou art the Caliph.” Then he taught them what
they should say to him and how they should do with him and withdrawing
to a retired room,[24] let down a curtain before himself and slept. Thus
fared it with the Caliph; but as regards Abu al-Hasan, he gave not over
snoring in his sleep till the day brake clear, and the rising of the sun
drew near, when a woman in waiting came up to him and said to him, “O
our lord, the morning prayer!” Hearing these words he laughed and
opening his eyes, turned them about the palace and found himself in an
apartment whose walls were painted with gold and lapis lazuli and its
ceiling dotted and starred with red gold. Around it were sleeping
chambers, with curtains of gold-embroidered silk let down over their
doors, and all about vessels of gold and porcelain and crystal and
furniture and carpets dispread and lamps burning before the niche
wherein men prayed, and slave-girls and eunuchs and Mamelukes and black
slaves and boys and pages and attendants. When he saw this he was
bewildered in his wit and said, “By Allah, either I am dreaming a dream,
or this is Paradise and the Abode of Peace!”[25] And he shut his eyes
and would have slept again. Quoth one of the eunuchs, “O my lord, this
is not of thy wont, O Commander of the Faithful!” Then the rest of the
handmaids of the palace came up to him and lifted him into a sitting
posture, when he found himself upon a mattrass, raised a cubit’s height
from the ground and all stuffed with floss silk. So they seated him upon
it and propped his elbow with a pillow, and he looked at the apartment
and its vastness and saw those eunuchs and slave-girls in attendance
upon him and standing about his head, whereupon he laughed at himself
and said, “By Allah, ’tis not as I were on wake, yet I am not asleep!”
And in his perplexity he bowed his chin upon his bosom and then opened
his eyes, little by little, smiling and saying, “What is this state
wherein I find myself?” Then he arose and sat up, whilst the damsels
laughed at him privily; and he was bewildered in his wit, and bit his
finger; and as the bite pained him, he cried “Oh!” and was vexed; and
the Caliph watched him, whence he saw him not, and laughed. Presently
Abu al-Hasan turned to a damsel and called to her; whereupon she
answered, “At thy service, O Prince of True Believers!” Quoth he, “what
is thy name?” and quoth she, “Shajarat al-Durr.”[26] Then he said to
her, “By the protection of Allah, O damsel, am I Commander of the
Faithful?” She replied, “Yes, indeed, by the protection of Allah thou in
this time art Commander of the Faithful.” Quoth he, “By Allah, thou
liest, O thousandfold whore!”[27] Then he glanced at the Chief Eunuch
and called to him, whereupon he came to him and kissing the ground
before him, said, “Yes, O Commander of the Faithful.” Asked Abu
al-Hasan, “Who is Commander of the Faithful?” and the Eunuch answered
“Thou.” And Abu al-Hasan said, “Thou liest, thousandfold he-whore that
thou art!” Then he turned to another eunuch and said to him, “O my
chief,[28] by the protection of Allah, am I Prince of the True
Believers?” Said he, “Ay, by Allah, O my lord, thou art in this time
Commander of the Faithful and Viceregent of the Lord of the three
Worlds.” Abu al-Hasan laughed at himself and doubted of his reason and
was bewildered at what he beheld, and said, “In one night do I become
Caliph? Yesterday I was Abu al-Hasan the Wag, and to-day I am Commander
of the Faithful.” Then the Chief Eunuch came up to him and said, “O
Prince of True Believers (the name of Allah encompass thee!) thou art
indeed Commander of the Faithful and Viceregent of the Lord of the three
Worlds!” And the slave-girls and eunuchs flocked round about him, till
he arose and abode wondering at his case. Hereupon the Eunuch brought
him a pair of sandals wrought with raw silk and green silk and purfled
with red gold, and he took them and after examining them set them in his
sleeve; whereat the Castrato cried out and said, “Allah! Allah! O my
lord, these are sandals for the treading of thy feet, so thou mayst wend
to the wardrobe.” Abu al-Hasan was confounded, and shaking the sandals
from his sleeve, put them on his feet, whilst the Caliph died[29] of
laughter at him. The slave forewent him to the chapel of ease, where he
entered and doing his job,[30] came out into the chamber, whereupon the
slave-girls brought him a basin of gold and an ewer of silver and poured
water on his hands[31] and he made the Wuzú-ablution. Then they spread
him a prayer-carpet and he prayed. Now he knew not how to pray[32] and
gave not over bowing and prostrating for twenty inclinations,[33]
pondering in himself the while and saying, “By Allah, I am none other
than the Commander of the Faithful in very truth! This is assuredly no
dream, for all these things happen not in a dream.” And he was convinced
and determined in himself that he was Prince of True Believers; so he
pronounced the Salám[34] and finished his prayers; whereupon the
Mamelukes and slave-girls came round about him with bundled suits of
silken and linen stuffs and clad him in the costume of the Caliphate and
gave the royal dagger in his hand. Then the Chief Eunuch came in and
said, “O Prince of True Believers, the Chamberlain is at the door
craving permission to enter.” Said he, “Let him enter!” whereupon he
came in and after kissing ground offered the salutation, “Peace be upon
thee, O Commander of the Faithful!” At this Abu al-Hasan rose and
descended from the couch to the floor; whereupon the official exclaimed
“Allah! Allah! O Prince of True Believers, wottest thou not that all men
are thy lieges and under thy rule and that it is not meet for the Caliph
to rise to any man?” Presently the Eunuch went out before him and the
little white slaves behind him, and they ceased not going till they
raised the curtain and brought him into the hall of judgment and the
throne-room of the Caliphate. There he saw the curtains and the forty
doors and Al-’Ijlí and Al-Rakáshí the poet, and ’Ibdán and Jadím and Abu
Ishák[35] the cup-companion and beheld swords drawn and the lions[36]
compassing the throne as the white of the eye encircleth the black, and
gilded glaives and death-dealing bows and Ajams and Arabs and Turks and
Daylamites and folk and peoples and Emirs and Wazirs and Captains and
Grandees and Lords of the land and men of war in band, and in very sooth
there appeared the might of the house of Abbas[37] and the majesty of
the Prophet’s family. So he sat down upon the throne of the Caliphate
and set the dagger[38] on his lap, whereupon all present came up to kiss
ground between his hands and called down on him length of life and
continuance of weal. Then came forward Ja’afar the Barmecide and kissing
the ground, said, “Be the wide world of Allah the treading of thy feet
and may Paradise be thy dwelling-place and the Fire the home of thy
foes! Never may neighbour defy thee nor the lights of fire die out for
thee,[39] O Caliph of all cities and ruler of all countries!”
Therewithal Abu al-Hasan cried out at him and said, “O dog of the sons
of Barmak, go down forthright, thou and the chief of the city police, to
such a place in such a street and deliver an hundred dinars of gold to
the mother of Abu al-Hasan the Wag and bear her my salutation. Then, go
to such a mosque and take the four Shaykhs and the Imám and scourge each
of them with a thousand[40] lashes and mount them on beasts, face to
tail, and parade them round about all the city and banish them to a
place other than this city; and bid the crier make cry before them,
saying:—This is the reward and the least of the reward of whoso
multiplieth words and molesteth his neighbours and damageth their
delights and stinteth their eating and drinking!” Ja’afar received the
command and answered “With obedience”; after which he went down from
before Abu al-Hasan to the city and did all he had ordered him to do.
Meanwhile, Abu al-Hasan abode in the Caliphate, taking and giving,
bidding and forbidding and carrying out his command till the end of the
day, when he gave leave and permission to withdraw, and the Emirs and
Officers of state departed to their several occupations and he looked
towards the Chamberlain and the rest of the attendants and said,
“Begone!” Then the Eunuchs came to him and calling down on him length of
life and continuance of weal, walked in attendance upon him and raised
the curtain, and he entered the pavilion of the Harem, where he found
candles lighted and lamps burning and singing-women smiting on
instruments, and ten slave-girls, high-bosomed maids. When he saw this,
he was confounded in his wit and said to himself, “By Allah, I am in
truth Commander of the Faithful!” presently adding, “or haply these are
of the Jánn and he who was my guest yesternight was one of their kings
who saw no way to requite my favours save by commanding his Ifrits to
address me as Prince of True Believers. But an these be of the Jann may
Allah deliver me in safety from their mischief!” As soon as he appeared,
the slave-girls rose to him and carrying him up on to the daïs,[41]
brought him a great tray, bespread with the richest viands. So he ate
thereof with all his might and main, till he had gotten his fill, when
he called one of the handmaids and said to her, “What is thy name?”
Replied she, “My name is Miskah,”[42] and he said to another, “What is
thy name?” Quoth she, “My name is Tarkah.”[43] Then he asked a third,
“What is thy name?” who answered, “My name is Tohfah;”[44] and he went
on to question the damsels of their names, one after other, till he had
learned the ten, when he rose from that place and removed to the
wine-chamber. He found it every way complete and saw therein ten great
trays, covered with all fruits and cates and every sort of sweetmeats.
So he sat down and ate thereof after the measure of his competency, and
finding there three troops of singing-girls, was amazed and made the
girls eat. Then he sat and the singers also seated themselves, whilst
the black slaves and the white slaves and the eunuchs and pages and boys
stood, and of the slave-girls some sat and others stood. The damsels
sang and warbled all varieties of melodies and the place rang with the
sweetness of the songs, whilst the pipes cried out and the lutes with
them wailed, till it seemed to Abu al-Hasan that he was in Paradise and
his heart was heartened and his breast broadened. So he sported and
joyance grew on him and he bestowed robes of honour on the damsels and
gave and bestowed, challenging this girl and kissing that and toying
with a third, plying one with wine and morselling another with meat,
till nightfall. All this while the Commander of the Faithful was
diverting himself with watching him and laughing, and when night fell he
bade one of the slave-girls drop a piece of Bhang in the cup and give it
to Abu al-Hasan to drink. So she did his bidding and gave him the cup,
which no sooner had he drunk than his head forewent his feet.[45]
Therewith the Caliph came forth from behind the curtain, laughing, and
calling to the attendant who had brought Abu al-Hasan to the palace,
said to him, “Carry[46] this man to his own place.” So Masrur took him
up, and carrying him to his own house, set him down in the saloon. Then
he went forth from him, and shutting the saloon-door upon him, returned
to the Caliph, who slept till the morrow. As for Abu al-Hasan, he gave
not over slumbering till Almighty Allah brought on the morning, when he
recovered from the drug and awoke, crying out and saying, “Ho, Tuffáhah!
Ho, Ráhat al-Kulúb! Ho, Miskah! Ho, Tohfah!”[47] And he ceased not
calling upon the palace hand-maids till his mother heard him summoning
strange damsels, and rising, came to him and said, “Allah’s name
encompass thee! Up with thee, O my son, O Abu al-Hasan! Thou dreamest.”
So he opened his eyes, and finding an old woman at his head, raised his
eyes and said to her, “Who art thou?” Quoth she, “I am thy mother;” and
quoth he, “Thou liest! I am the Commander of the Faithful, the
Viceregent of Allah.” Whereupon his mother shrieked aloud and said to
him, “Heaven preserve thy reason! Be silent, O my son, and cause not the
loss of our lives and the wasting of thy wealth, which will assuredly
befal us if any hear this talk and carry it to the Caliph.” So he rose
from his sleep, and finding himself in his own saloon and his mother by
him, had doubts of his wit, and said to her, “By Allah, O my mother, I
saw myself in a dream in a palace, with slave-girls and Mamelukes about
me and in attendance upon me, and I sat upon the throne of the Caliphate
and ruled. By Allah, O my mother, this is what I saw, and in very sooth
it was no dream!” Then he bethought himself awhile and said,
“Assuredly,[48] I am Abu al-Hasan al-Khali’a, and this that I saw was
only a dream when I was made Caliph and bade and forbade.” Then he
bethought himself again and said, “Nay, but ’twas not a dream, and I am
none other than the Caliph, and indeed I gave gifts and bestowed
honour-robes.” Quoth his mother to him, “O my son, thou sportest with
thy reason: thou wilt go to the mad-house[49] and become a gazing-stock.
Indeed, that which thou hast seen is only from the foul Fiend, and it
was an imbroglio of dreams, for at times Satan sporteth with men’s wits
in all manner of ways.”[50] Then said she to him, “O my son, was there
any one with thee yesternight?” And he reflected and said, “Yes; one lay
the night with me and I acquainted him with my case and told him my
tale. Doubtless, he was of the Devils, and I, O my mother, even as thou
sayst truly, am Abu al-Hasan al-Khali’a.” She rejoined, “O my son,
rejoice in tidings of all good, for yesterday’s record is that there
came the Wazir Ja’afar the Barmecide and his many, and beat the Shaykhs
of the mosque and the Imam, each a thousand lashes; after which they
paraded them round about the city, making proclamation before them and
saying:—This is the reward and the least of the reward of whoso faileth
in goodwill to his neighbours and troubleth on them their lives! And he
banished them from Baghdad. Moreover, the Caliph sent me an hundred
dinars and sent to salute me.” Whereupon Abu al-Hasan cried out and said
to her, “O ill-omened crone, wilt thou contradict me and tell me that I
am not the Prince of True Believers? ’Twas I who commanded Ja’afar the
Barmecide to beat the Shaykhs and parade them about the city and make
proclamation before them and ’twas I, very I, who sent thee the hundred
dinars and sent to salute thee, and I, O beldam of ill-luck, am in very
deed the Commander of the Faithful, and thou art a liar, who would make
me out an idiot.” So saying, he rose up and fell upon her and beat her
with a staff of almond-wood, till she cried out, “Help, O Moslems!” and
he increased the beating upon her, till the folk heard her cries and
coming to her, found Abu al-Hasan bashing his mother and saying to her,
“O old woman of ill-omen, am I not the Commander of the Faithful? Thou
hast ensorcelled me!” When the folk heard his words, they said, “This
man raveth,” and doubted not of his madness. So they came in upon him,
and seizing him, pinioned his elbows, and bore him to the Bedlam. Quoth
the Superintendant, “What aileth this youth?” and quoth they, “This is a
madman, afflicted of the Jinn.” “By Allah,” cried Abu al-Hasan, “they
lie against me! I am no madman, but the Commander of the Faithful.” And
the Superintendant answered him, saying, “None lieth but thou, O foulest
of the Jinn-maddened!” Then he stripped him of his clothes, and clapping
on his neck a heavy chain,[51] bound him to a high lattice and fell to
beating him two bouts a day and two anights; and he ceased not abiding
on this wise the space of ten days. Then his mother came to him and
said, “O my son, O Abu al-Hasan, return to thy right reason, for this is
the Devil’s doing.” Quoth he, “Thou sayst sooth, O my mother, and bear
thou witness of me that I repent me of that talk and turn me from my
madness. So do thou deliver me, for I am nigh upon death.” Accordingly
his mother went out to the Superintendant[52] and procured his release
and he returned to his own house. Now this was at the beginning of the
month, and when it ended, Abu al-Hasan longed to drink liquor and,
returning to his former habit, furnished his saloon and made ready food
and bade bring wine; then, going forth to the bridge, he sat there,
expecting one whom he should converse and carouse with, according to his
custom. As he sat thus, behold, up came the Caliph and Masrur to him;
but Abu al-Hasan saluted them not and said to Al-Rashid, “No friendly
welcome to thee, O King of the Jánn!” Quoth Al-Rashid, “What have I done
to thee?” and quoth Abu al-Hasan, “What more couldst thou do than what
thou hast done to me, O foulest of the Jánn? I have been beaten and
thrown into Bedlam, where all said I was Jinn-mad and this was caused by
none save thyself. I brought thee to my house and fed thee with my best;
after which thou didst empower thy Satans and Marids to disport
themselves with my wits from morning to evening. So avaunt and aroynt
thee and wend thy ways!” The Caliph smiled and, seating himself by his
side said to him, “O my brother, did I not tell thee that I would return
to thee?” Quoth Abu al-Hasan, “I have no need of thee; and as the byword
sayeth in verse:—
Fro’ my friend, ’twere meeter and wiser to part, ✿ For what eye sees not
born shall ne’er sorrow heart.
And indeed, O my brother, the night thou camest to me and we conversed
and caroused together, I and thou, ’twas as if the Devil came to me and
troubled me that night.” Asked the Caliph, “And who is he, the Devil?”
and answered Abu al-Hasan, “He is none other than thou;” whereat the
Caliph laughed and coaxed him and spake him fair, saying, “O my brother,
when I went out from thee, I forgot the door and left it open and
perhaps Satan came in to thee.”[53] Quoth Abu al-Hasan, “Ask me not of
that which hath betided me. What possessed thee to leave the door open,
so that the Devil came in to me and there befel me with him this and
that?” And he related to him all that had betided him, first and last
(and in repetition is no fruition); what while the Caliph laughed and
hid his laughter. Then said he to Abu al-Hasan, “Praised be Allah who
hath done away from thee whatso irked thee and that I see thee once more
in weal!” And Abu al-Hasan said, “Never again will I take thee to
cup-companion or sitting-comrade; for the proverb saith:—Whoso stumbleth
on a stone and thereto returneth, upon him be blame and reproach. And
thou, O my brother, nevermore will I entertain thee nor company with
thee, for that I have not found thy heel propitious to me.”[54] But the
Caliph coaxed him and said, “I have been the means of thy winning to thy
wish anent the Imam and the Shaykhs.” Abu al-Hasan replied, “Thou hast;”
and Al-Rashid continued, “And haply somewhat may betide which shall
gladden thy heart yet more.” Abu al-Hasan asked, “What dost thou require
of me?” and the Commander of the Faithful answered, “Verily, I am thy
guest; reject not the guest.” Quoth Abu al-Hasan, “On condition that
thou swear to me by the characts on the seal of Solomon David’s son (on
the twain be the Peace!) that thou wilt not suffer thine Ifrits to make
fun of me.” He replied, “To hear is to obey!” Whereupon the Wag took him
and brought him into the saloon and set food before him and entreated
him with friendly speech. Then he told him all that had befallen him,
whilst the Caliph was like to die of stifled laughter; after which Abu
al-Hasan removed the tray of food and bringing the wine-service, filled
a cup and cracked it three times, then gave it to the Caliph, saying, “O
boon-companion mine, I am thy slave and let not that which I am about to
say offend thee, and be thou not vexed, neither do thou vex me.” And he
recited these verses:—
Hear one that wills thee well! Lips none shall bless ✿ Save those who
drink for drunk and all transgress.
Ne’er will I cease to swill while night falls dark ✿ Till lout my
forehead low upon my tasse:
In wine like liquid sun is my delight ✿ Which clears all care and
gladdens allegresse.
When the Caliph heard these his verses and saw how apt he was at
couplets, he was delighted with exceeding delight and taking the cup,
drank it off, and the twain ceased not to converse and carouse till the
wine rose to their heads. Then quoth Abu al-Hasan to the Caliph, “O
boon-companion mine, of a truth I am perplexed concerning my affair, for
meseemed I was Commander of the Faithful and ruled and gave gifts and
largesse, and in very deed, O my brother, it was not a dream.” Quoth the
Caliph, “These were the imbroglios of sleep,” and crumbling a bit of
Bhang into the cup, said to him, “By my life, do thou drink this cup;”
and said Abu al-Hasan, “Surely I will drink it from thy hand.” Then he
took the cup and drank it off, and no sooner had it settled in his
stomach than his head fell to the ground before his feet. Now his
manners and fashions pleased the Caliph and the excellence of his
composition and his frankness, and he said in himself, “I will assuredly
make him my cup-companion and sitting-comrade.” So he rose forthright
and saying to Masrur, “Take him up,” returned to the palace.
Accordingly, the Eunuch took up Abu al-Hasan and carrying him to the
palace of the Caliphate, set him down before Al-Rashid, who bade the
slaves and slave-girls compass him about, whilst he himself hid in a
place where Abu al-Hasan could not see him. Then he commanded one of the
hand-maidens to take the lute and strike it over the Wag’s head, whilst
the rest smote upon their instruments. So they played and sang, till Abu
al-Hasan awoke at the last of the night and heard the symphony of lutes
and tambourines and the sound of the flutes and the singing of the
slave-girls, whereupon he opened his eyes and finding himself in the
palace, with the hand-maids and eunuchs about him, exclaimed, “There is
no Majesty and there is no Might save in Allah, the Glorious, the Great!
Come to my help this night which meseems more unlucky than the former!
Verily, I am fearful of the Madhouse and of that which I suffered
therein the first time, and I doubt not but the Devil is come to me
again, as before. O Allah, my Lord, put thou Satan to shame!” Then he
shut his eyes and laid his head in his sleeve, and fell to laughing
softly and raising his head bytimes, but still found the apartment
lighted and the girls singing. Presently, one of the eunuchs sat down at
his head and said to him, “Sit up, O Prince of True Believers, and look
on thy palace and thy slave-girls.” Said Abu al-Hasan, “Under the veil
of Allah, am I in truth Commander of the Faithful, and dost thou not
lie? Yesterday I rode not forth neither ruled, but drank and slept, and
this eunuch cometh to make me rise.” Then he sat up and recalled to
thought that which had betided him with his mother and how he had beaten
her and entered the Bedlam, and he saw the marks of the beating,
wherewith the Superintendant had beaten him, and was perplexed
concerning his affair and pondered in himself, saying, “By Allah, I know
not how my case is nor what is this that betideth me!” Then, gazing at
the scene around him, he said privily, “All these are of the Jann in
human shape, and I commit my case to Allah.” Presently he turned to one
of the damsels and said to her, “Who am I?” Quoth she, “Thou art the
Commander of the Faithful;” and quoth he, “Thou liest, O calamity![55]
If I be indeed the Commander of the Faithful, bite my finger.” So she
came to him and bit it with all her might, and he said to her, “It doth
suffice.” Then he asked the Chief Eunuch, “Who am I?” and he answered,
“Thou art the Commander of the Faithful.” So he left him and returned to
his wonderment: then, turning to a little white slave, said to him,
“Bite my ear;” and he bent his head low down to him and put his ear to
his mouth. Now the Mameluke was young and lacked sense; so he closed his
teeth upon Abu al-Hasan’s ear with all his might, till he came near to
sever it; and he knew not Arabic, so, as often as the Wag said to him,
“It doth suffice,” he concluded that he said, “Bite like a vice,” and
redoubled his bite and made his teeth meet in the ear, whilst the
damsels were diverted from him with hearkening to the singing-girls, and
Abu al-Hasan cried out for succour from the boy and the Caliph lost his
senses for laughter. Then he dealt the boy a cuff, and he let go his
ear, whereupon all present fell down with laughter and said to the
little Mameluke, “Art mad that thou bitest the Caliph’s ear on this
wise?” And Abu al-Hasan cried to them, “Sufficeth ye not, O ye wretched
Jinns, that which hath befallen me? But the fault is not yours: the
fault is of your Chief who transmewed you from Jinn shape to mortal
shape. I seek refuge against you this night by the Throne-verse and the
Chapter of Sincerity[56] and the Two Preventives!”[57] So saying the Wag
put off his clothes till he was naked, with prickle and breech exposed,
and danced among the slave-girls. They bound his hands and he wantoned
among them, while they died of laughing at him and the Caliph swooned
away for excess of laughter. Then he came to himself and going forth the
curtain to Abu al-Hasan, said to him, “Out on thee, O Abu al-Hasan! Thou
slayest me with laughter.” So he turned to him and knowing him, said to
him, “By Allah, ’tis thou slayest me and slayest my mother and slewest
the Shaykhs and the Imam of the Mosque!” After which he kissed ground
before him and prayed for the permanence of his prosperity and the
endurance of his days. The Caliph at once robed him in a rich robe and
gave him a thousand dinars; and presently he took the Wag into especial
favour and married him and bestowed largesse on him and lodged him with
himself in the palace and made him of the chief of his cup-companions,
and indeed he was preferred with him above them and the Caliph advanced
him over them all. Now they were ten in number, to wit, Al-’Ijlí and
Al-Rakáshi and ’Ibdán and Hasan al-Farazdak and Al-Lauz and Al-Sakar and
Omar al-Tartís and Abu Nowas and Abu Ishak al-Nadím and Abu al-Hasan
al-Khali’a, and by each of them hangeth a story which is told in other
than this book.[58] And indeed Abu al-Hasan became high in honour with
the Caliph and favoured above all, so that he sat with him and the Lady
Zubaydah bint al-Kasim, whose treasuress Nuzhat al-Fuád[59] hight, was
given to him in marriage. After this Abu al-Hasan the Wag abode with his
wife in eating and drinking and all delight of life, till whatso was
with them went the way of money, when he said to her, “Harkye, O Nuzhat
al-Fuad!” Said she, “At thy service;” and he continued, “I have it in
mind to play a trick on the Caliph[60] and thou shalt do the like with
the Lady Zubaydah, and we will take of them at once, to begin with, two
hundred dinars and two pieces of silk.” She rejoined, “As thou willest,
but what thinkest thou to do?” And he said, “We will feign ourselves
dead and this is the trick. I will die before thee and lay myself out,
and do thou spread over me a silken napkin and loose my turban over me
and tie my toes and lay on my stomach a knife and a little salt.[61]
Then let down thy hair and betake thyself to thy mistress Zubaydah,
tearing thy dress and slapping thy face and crying out. She will ask
thee, What aileth thee? and do thou answer her, May thy head outlive Abu
al-Hasan the Wag; for he is dead. She will mourn for me and weep and bid
her new treasuress give thee an hundred dinars and a piece of silk[62]
and will say to thee:—Go, lay him out and carry him forth. So do thou
take of her the hundred dinars and the piece of silk and come back, and
when thou returnest to me, I will rise up and thou shalt lie down in my
place, and I will go to the Caliph and say to him, May thy head outlive
Nuzhat al-Fuad, and rend my raiment and pluck out my beard. He will
mourn for thee and say to his treasurer, Give Abu al-Hasan an hundred
dinars and a piece of silk. Then he will say to me, Go; lay her out and
carry her forth; and I will come back to thee.” Therewith Nuzhat al-Fuad
rejoiced and said, “Indeed, this is an excellent device.” Then Abu
al-Hasan stretched himself out forthright and she shut his eyes and tied
his feet and covered him with the napkin and did whatso her lord had
bidden her; after which she tare her gear and bared her head and letting
down her hair, went in to the Lady Zubaydah, crying out and weeping.
When the Princess saw her in this state, she cried, “What plight is
this? What is thy story and what maketh thee weep?” And Nuzhat al-Fuad
answered, weeping and loud-wailing the while, “O my lady, may thy head
live and mayst thou survive Abu al-Hasan al Khali’a; for he is dead!”
The Lady Zubaydah mourned for him and said, “Alas, poor Abu al-Hasan the
Wag!” and she shed tears for him awhile. Then she bade her treasuress
give Nuzhat al-Fuad an hundred dinars and a piece of silk and said to
her, “O Nuzhat al-Fuad, go, lay him out and carry him forth.” So she
took the hundred dinars and the piece of silk and returned to her
dwelling, rejoicing, and went in to her spouse and acquainted him what
had befallen, whereupon he arose and rejoiced and girdled his middle and
danced and took the hundred dinars and the piece of silk and laid them
up. Then he laid out Nuzhat al-Fuad and did with her as she had done
with him; after which he rent his raiment and plucked out his beard and
disordered his turban and ran out nor ceased running till he came in to
the Caliph, who was sitting in the judgment-hall, and he in this plight,
beating his breast. The Caliph asked him, “What aileth thee, O Abu
al-Hasan?” and he wept and answered, “Would heaven thy cup companion had
never been and would his hour had never come!”[63] Quoth the Caliph,
“Tell me thy case:” and quoth Abu al-Hasan, “O my lord, may thy head
outlive Nuzhat al-Fuád!” The Caliph exclaimed, “There is no god but
God;” and smote hand upon hand. Then he comforted Abu al-Hasan and said
to him, “Grieve not, for we will bestow upon thee a bed-fellow other
than she.” And he ordered the treasurer to give him an hundred dinars
and a piece of silk. Accordingly the treasurer did what the Caliph bade
him, and Al-Rashid said to him, “Go, lay her out and carry her forth and
make her a handsome funeral.” So Abu al-Hasan took that which he had
given him and returning to his house, rejoicing, went in to Nuzhat
al-Fuad and said to her, “Arise, for our wish is won.” Hereat she arose
and he laid before her the hundred ducats and the piece of silk, whereat
she rejoiced, and they added the gold to the gold and the silk to the
silk and sat talking and laughing each to other. Meanwhile, when Abu
al-Hasan fared forth the presence of the Caliph and went to lay out
Nuzhat al-Fuad, the Commander of the Faithful mourned for her and
dismissing the divan, arose and betook himself, leaning upon Masrur, the
Sworder of his vengeance, to the Lady Zubaydah, that he might condole
with her for her hand-maid. He found her sitting weeping and awaiting
his coming, so she might condole with him for his boon-companion Abu
al-Hasan the Wag. So he said to her, “May thy head outlive thy
slave-girl Nuzhat al-Fuad!” and said she, “O my lord, Allah preserve my
slave-girl! Mayst thou live and long survive thy boon-companion Abu
al-Hasan al-Khali’a; for he is dead.” The Caliph smiled and said, to his
eunuch, “O Masrur, verily women are little of wit. Allah upon thee, say,
was not Abu al-Hasan with me but now?”[64] Quoth the Lady Zubaydah,
laughing from a heart full of wrath, “Wilt thou not leave thy jesting?
Sufficeth thee not that Abu al-Hasan is dead, but thou must put to death
my slave-girl also and bereave us of the twain, and style me little of
wit?” The Caliph answered, “Indeed, ’tis Nuzhat al-Fuad who is dead.”
And the Lady Zubaydah said, “Indeed he hath not been with thee, nor hast
thou seen him, and none was with me but now save Nuzhat al-Fuad, and she
sorrowful, weeping, with her clothes torn to tatters. I exhorted her to
patience and gave her an hundred dinars and a piece of silk; and indeed
I was awaiting thy coming, so I might console thee for thy cup-companion
Abu al-Hasan al-Khali’a, and was about to send for thee.”[65] The Caliph
laughed and said, “None is dead save Nuzhat al-Fuad;” and she, “No, no,
good my lord; none is dead but Abu al-Hasan the Wag.” With this the
Caliph waxed wroth, and the Háshimí vein[66] started out from between
his eyes and throbbed: and he cried out to Masrur and said to him, “Fare
thee forth to the house of Abu al-Hasan the Wag, and see which of them
is dead.” So Masrur went out, running, and the Caliph said to the Lady
Zubaydah, “Wilt thou lay me a wager?” And said she, “Yes, I will wager,
and I say that Abu al-Hasan is dead.” Rejoined the Caliph, “And I wager
and say that none is dead save Nuzhat al-Fuad; and the stake between me
and thee shall be the Garden of Pleasance[67] against thy palace and the
Pavilion of Pictures.”[68] So they agreed upon this and sat awaiting
Masrur’s return with the news. As for the Eunuch, he ceased not running
till he came to the by-street, wherein was the stead of Abu al-Hasan
al-Khali’a. Now the Wag was comfortably seated and leaning back against
the lattice,[69] and chancing to look round, saw Masrur running along
the street and said to Nuzhat al-Fuad, “Meseemeth the Caliph, when I
went forth from him dismissed the Divan and went in to the Lady
Zubaydah, to condole with her; whereupon she arose and condoled with
him, saying, Allah increase thy recompense for the loss of Abu al-Hasan
al-Khali’a! And he said to her, None is dead save Nuzhat al-Fuad, may
thy head outlive her! Quoth she, ’Tis not she who is dead, but Abu
al-Hasan al-Khali’a, thy boon companion. And quoth he, None is dead save
Nuzhat al-Fuad. And they waxed so obstinate that the Caliph became wroth
and they laid a wager, and he hath sent Masrur the Sworder to see who is
dead. Now, therefore, ’twere best that thou lie down, so he may sight
thee and go and acquaint the Caliph and confirm my saying.”[70] So
Nuzhat al-Fuad stretched herself out and Abu al-Hasan covered her with
her mantilla and sat weeping at her head. Presently, Masrur the eunuch
suddenly came in to him and saluted him, and seeing Nuzhat al-Fuad
stretched out, uncovered her face and said, “There is no god but God!
Our sister Nuzhat al-Fuad is dead indeed. How sudden was the stroke of
Destiny! Allah have ruth on thee and acquit thee of all charge!” Then he
returned and related what had passed before the Caliph and the Lady
Zubaydah, and he laughing as he spoke. “O accursed one,” cried the
Caliph, “this is no time for laughter! Tell us which is dead of them.”
Masrur replied, “By Allah, O my lord, Abu al-Hasan is well, and none is
dead but Nuzhat al-Fuad.” Quoth the Caliph to Zubaydah, “Thou hast lost
thy pavilion in thy play,” and he jeered at her and said, “O Masrur,
tell her what thou sawest.” Quoth the Eunuch, “Verily, O my lady, I ran
without ceasing till I came in to Abu al-Hasan in his house and found
Nuzhat al-Fuad lying dead and Abu al-Hasan sitting tearful at her head.
I saluted him and condoled with him and sat down by his side and
uncovered the face of Nuzhat al-Fuad and saw her dead and her face
swollen.[71] So I said to him:—Carry her out forthwith, so we may pray
over her. He replied:—’Tis well; and I left him to lay her out and came
hither, that I might tell you the news.” The Prince of True Believers
laughed and said, “Tell it again and again to thy lady Little-wits.”
When the Lady Zubaydah heard Masrur’s words and those of the Caliph she
was wroth and said, “None is little of wit save he who believeth a black
slave.” And she abused Masrur, whilst the Commander of the Faithful
laughed: and the Eunuch, vexed at this, said to the Caliph, “He spake
sooth who said:—Women are little of wits and lack religion.”[72] Then
said the Lady Zubaydah to the Caliph, “O Commander of the Faithful, thou
sportest and jestest with me, and this slave hoodwinketh me, the better
to please thee; but I will send and see which of them be dead.” And he
answered, saying, “Send one who shall see which of them is dead.” So the
Lady Zubaydah cried out to an old duenna, and said to her, “Hie thee to
the house of Nuzhat al-Fuad in haste and see who is dead and loiter
not.” And she used hard words to her.[73] So the old woman went out
running, whilst the Prince of True Believers and Masrur laughed, and she
ceased not running till she came into the street. Abu al-Hasan saw her,
and knowing her, said to his wife, “O Nuzhat al-Fuad, meseemeth the Lady
Zubaydah hath sent to us to see who is dead and hath not given credit to
Masrur’s report of thy death: accordingly, she hath despatched the old
crone, her duenna, to discover the truth. So it behoveth me to be dead
in my turn for the sake of thy credit with the Lady Zubaydah.” Hereat he
lay down and stretched himself out, and she covered him and bound his
eyes and feet and sat in tears at his head. Presently the old woman came
in to her and saw her sitting at Abu al-Hasan’s head, weeping and
recounting his fine qualities; and when she saw the old trot, she cried
out and said to her, “See what hath befallen me! Indeed Abu al-Hasan is
dead and hath left me lone and lorn!” Then she shrieked out and rent her
raiment and said to the crone, “O my mother, how very good he was to
me!”[74] Quoth the other, “Indeed thou art excused, for thou wast used
to him and he to thee.” Then she considered what Masrur had reported to
the Caliph and the Lady Zubaydah and said to her, “Indeed, Masrur goeth
about to cast discord between the Caliph and the Lady Zubaydah.” Asked
Nuzhat al-Fuad, “And what is the cause of discord, O my mother?” and the
other replied, “O my daughter, Masrur came to the Caliph and the Lady
Zubaydah and gave them news of thee that thou wast dead and that Abu
al-Hasan was well.” Nuzhat al-Fuad said to her, “O naunty mine,[75] I
was with my lady just now and she gave me an hundred dinars and a piece
of silk; and now see my case and that which hath befallen me! Indeed, I
am bewildered, and how shall I do, and I lone, and lorn? Would heaven I
had died and he had lived!” Then she wept and with her wept the old
woman, who, going up to Abu al-Hasan and uncovering his face, saw his
eyes bound and swollen for the swathing. So she covered him again and
said, “Indeed, O Nuzhat al-Fuad, thou art afflicted in Abu al-Hasan!”
Then she condoled with her and going out from her, ran along the street
till she came into the Lady Zubaydah and related to her the story; and
the Princess said to her, laughing, “Tell it over again to the Caliph,
who maketh me out little of wit, and lacking of religion, and who made
this ill-omened liar of a slave presume to contradict me.” Quoth Masrur,
“This old woman lieth; for I saw Abu al-Hasan well and Nuzhat al-Fuad it
was who lay dead.” Quoth the duenna “’Tis thou that liest, and wouldst
fain cast discord between the Caliph and the Lady Zubaydah.” And Masrur
cried, “None lieth but thou, O old woman of ill-omen and thy lady
believeth thee and she must be in her dotage.” Whereupon the Lady
Zubaydah cried out at him, and in very sooth she was enraged with him
and with his speech and shed tears. Then said the Caliph to her, “I lie
and my eunuch lieth, and thou liest and thy waiting-woman lieth; so ’tis
my rede we go, all four of us together, that we may see which of us
telleth the truth.” Masrur said, “Come, let us go, that I may do to this
ill-omened old woman evil deeds[76] and deal her a sound drubbing for
her lying.” And the duenna answered him, “O dotard, is thy wit like unto
my wit? Indeed, thy wit is as the hen’s wit.” Masrur was incensed at her
words and would have laid violent hands on her, but the Lady Zubaydah
pushed him away from her and said to him, “Her truth-speaking will
presently be distinguished from thy truth-speaking and her leasing from
thy leasing.” Then they all four arose, laying wagers one with other,
and went forth afoot from the palace-gate and hied on till they came in
at the gate of the street where Abu al-Hasan al-Khali’a dwelt. He saw
them and said to his wife Nuzhat al-Fuad, “Verily, all that is sticky is
not a pancake[77] they cook nor every time shall the crock escape the
shock. It seemeth the old woman hath gone and told her lady and
acquainted her with our case and she hath disputed with Masrur the
Eunuch and they have laid wagers each with other about our death and are
come to us, all four, the Caliph and the Eunuch and the Lady Zubaydah
and the old trot.” When Nuzhat al-Fuad heard this, she started up from
her outstretched posture and asked, “How shall we do?” whereto he
answered, “We will both feign ourselves dead together and stretch
ourselves out and hold our breath.” So she hearkened unto him and they
both lay down on the place where they usually slept the siesta[78] and
bound their feet and shut their eyes and covered themselves with the
veil and held their breath. Presently, up came the Caliph, Zubaydah,
Masrur and the old woman and entering, found Abu al-Hasan the Wag and
wife both stretched out as dead; which when the Lady saw, she wept and
said, “They ceased not to bring ill-news of my slave-girl till she
died,[79] methinketh Abu al-Hasan’s death was grievous to her and that
she died after him.”[80] Quoth the Caliph, “Thou shalt not prevent me
with thy prattle and prate. She certainly died before Abu al-Hasan, for
he came to me with his raiment rent and his beard plucked out, beating
his breast with two bits of sunbaked brick,[81] and I gave him an
hundred dinars and a piece of silk and said to him, Go, bear her forth
and I will give thee a bed-fellow other than she and handsomer, and she
shall be in stead of her. But it would appear that her death was no
light matter to him and he died after her;[82] so it is I who have
beaten thee and gotten thy stake.” The Lady Zubaydah answered him in
words galore and the dispute between them waxed sore. At last the Caliph
sat down at the heads of the pair and said, “By the tomb of the Apostle
of Allah (whom may He save and assain!) and the sepulchres of my fathers
and forefathers, whoso will tell me which of them died before the other,
I will willingly give him a thousand dinars!” When Abual-Hasan heard the
Caliph’s words, he sprang up in haste and said, “I died first, O
Commander of the Faithful! Here with the thousand dinars and acquit thee
of thine oath and the swear thou sworest.” Nuzhat al-Fuad rose also and
stood up before the Caliph and the Lady Zubaydah, who both rejoiced in
this and in their safety, and the Princess chid her slave-girl. Then the
Caliph and Zubaydah gave them joy of their well-being and knew that this
death was a trick to get the gold; and the Lady said to Nuzhat al-Fuad,
“Thou shouldst have sought of me that which thou neededst, without this
fashion, and not have burned[83] my heart for thee.” And she, “Verily, I
was ashamed, O my lady.” As for the Caliph, he swooned away for laughing
and said, “O Abu al-Hasan, thou wilt never cease to be a wag and do
peregrine things and prodigious!” Quoth he, “O Commander of the
Faithful, this trick I played off for that the money which thou gavest
me was exhausted, and I was ashamed to ask of thee again. When I was
single, I could never keep money in hand; but since thou marriedst me to
this damsel, if I possessed even thy wealth, I should lay it waste.
Wherefore when all that was in my hand was spent, I wrought this
sleight, so I might get of thee the hundred dinars and the piece of
silk; and all this is an alms from our lord. But now make haste to give
me the thousand dinars and acquit thee of thine oath.” The Caliph and
the Lady Zubaydah laughed and returned to the palace; and he gave Abu
al-Hasan the thousand dinars saying, “Take them as a _douceur_[84] for
thy preservation from death,” whilst her mistress did the like with
Nuzhat al-Fuad, honouring her with the same words. Moreover, the Caliph
increased the Wag in his solde and supplies, and he and his wife ceased
not to live in joy and contentment, till there came to them the
Destroyer of delights and Severer of societies, the Plunderer of
palaces, and the Garnerer of graves.