JOB AND POLLIE BUMPUS
“I never have told a downright falsehood,” said Lina. “Mother taught
me how wicked it is to tell stories. Did you ever tell a fib to your
mother, Frances?”
“'Tain't no use to try to 'ceive my mama,” was the reply of the other
little girl; “she's got such gimlet eyes and ears she can tell with 'em
shut if you're fibbing. I gave up hope long ago, so I just go 'long and
tell her the plain gospel truth when she asks me, 'cause I know those
gimlet eyes and ears of hers 're going to worm it out o' me somehow.”
“Grown folks pin you down so close sometimes,” said Jimmy, “you bound to
'varicate a little; and I always tell God I'm sorry. I tell my mama the
truth 'most all time 'cepting when she asks questions 'bout things ain't
none of her business a tall, and she all time want to know 'Who done
it?' and if I let on it's me, I know she'll wear out all the slippers
and hair-brushes they is paddling my canoe, 'sides switches, so I jus'
say 'I do' know, 'm'--which all time ain't perzactly the truth. You ever
tell Miss Minerva stories, Billy?”
“Aunt Cindy always say, 't wa'n't no harm 't all to beat 'bout the bush
an' try to th'ow folks offer the track 'long as you can, but if it come
to the point where you got to tell a out-an'-out fib, she say for me
always to tell the truth, an' I jest nachelly do like she say ever sence
I's born,” replied Billy.
The children swung awhile in silence. Presently Jimmy broke the quiet by
remarking,
“Don't you all feel sorry for old Miss Pollie Bumpus? She live all by
herself, and she 'bout a million years old, and Doctor Sanford ain't
never brung her no chillens 'cause she ain't got 'er no husban' to be
their papa, and she got a octopus in her head, and she poor as a post
and deaf as job's old turkey-hen.”
“Job's old turkey-hen wasn't deaf,” retorted Lina primly; “she was very,
very poor and thin.”
“She was deaf, too,” insisted Jimmy, “'cause it's in the Bible. I know
all 'bout job,” bragged he.
“I know all 'bout job, too,” chirped Frances.
“Job, nothing!” said Jimmy, with a sneer; “you all time talking 'bout
you know all 'bout job; you 'bout the womanishest little girl they is.
Now I know job 'cause Miss Cecilia 'splained all 'bout him to me. He's
in the Bible and he sold his birthmark for a mess of potatoes and--”
“You never can get anything right, Jimmy,” interrupted Lina; “that was
Esau and it was not his birthmark, it was his birthstone; and he sold
his birthstone for a mess of potash.”
“Yas,” agreed Frances; “he saw Esau kissing Kate and Esau had to sell
him his birthstone to keep his mouth shut.”
“Mother read me all about job,” continued Lina; “he was afflicted with
boils and his wife knit him a job's comforter to wrap around him, and
he--”
“And he sat under a 'tato vine;” put in Frances eagerly, “what God grew
to keep the sun off o' his boils and--”
“That was Jonah,” said Lina, “and it wasn't a potato vine; it was--”
“No, 't wasn't Jonah neither; Jonah is inside of a whale's bel--”
“Frances!”
“Stommick,” Frances corrected herself, “and a whale swallow him, and
how's he going to sit under a pumpkin vine when he's inside of a whale?”
“It was not a pumpkin vine, it--”
“And I 'd jus' like to see a man inside of a whale a-setting under a
morning-glory vine.”
“The whale vomicked him up,” said Jimmy.
“What sorter thing is a octopus like what y' all say is in Miss Pollie
Bumpus's head?” asked Billy.
“'Tain't a octopus, it's a polypus,” explained Frances, “'cause she's
named Miss Pollie. It's a someping that grows in your nose and has to
be named what you's named. She's named Miss Pollie and she's got a
polypus.”
“I'm mighty glad my mama ain't got no Eva-pus in her head,” was Jimmy's
comment. “Ain't you glad, Billy, your Aunt Minerva ain't got no Miss
Minervapus?”
“I sho' is,” fervently replied Miss Minerva's nephew; “she's hard 'nough
to manage now like she is.”
“I'm awful good to Miss Pollie,” said Frances. “I take her someping good
to eat 'most every day. I took her two pieces of pie this morning; I ate
up one piece on the way and she gimme the other piece when I got there.
I jus' don't believe she could get 'long at all 'thout me to carry her
the good things to eat that my mama sends her; I takes her pies all the
time, she says they're the best smelling pies ever she smelt.”
“You 'bout the piggiest girl they is,” said Jimmy, “all time got to eat
up a poor old woman's pies. You'll have a Frances-pus in your stomach
first thing you know.”
“She's got a horn that you talk th'oo,” continued the little girl,
serenely contemptuous of Jimmy's adverse criticism, “and 'fore I knew
how you talk into it, she says to me one day, 'How's your ma?' and stuck
that old horn at me; so I put it to my ear, too, and there we set; she
got one end of the horn to her ear and I got the other end to my ear; so
when I saw this wasn't going to work I took it and blew into it; you-all
'd died a-laughing to see the way I did. But now I can talk th'oo it 's
good's anybody.”
“That is an ear trumpet, Frances,” said Lina, “it is not a horn.”
“Le's play 'Hide the Switch,'” suggested Billy.
“I'm going to hide it first,” cried Frances.
“Naw, you ain't,” objected Jimmy, “you all time got to hide the switch
first. I'm going to hide it first myself.”
“No, I'm going to say 'William Com Trimbleton,'” said Frances, “and see
who's going to hide it first. Now you-all spraddle out your fingers.”