There are, of course, as many styles of dictating letters as there
are of writing them; but three stand out. One is the Indignant
Confidential; one the Hesitant Tactful; and one the No-Nonsense
Efficient. Bitter experience in three orderly London houses only a day
or so ago chances to have led to such complete examples of each of
these styles that the reader has the felicity of acquiring at the same
time a valuable insight into business methods and a glimpse of what
Nature in the person of Jack Frost can do with even the best regulated
of cities.
We will take first the Hesitant Tactful, where the typist is not
merely considered as a human being but invited to become an ally. The
dictator is Mr. Vernon Crombie.
"Oh, Miss Carruthers, there's a letter I want to dictate and get off
by hand at once, because my house isn't fit to live in through burst
pipes. The plumbers promised to send yesterday, but didn't, and to-day
they can't come, it seems, and really it's most serious. Ceilings
being ruined, you know. The bore is that there aren't any other
plumbers that I know of, and one is so at the mercy of these people
that we must go very delicately. You understand. We mustn't say a word
to set their backs up any higher than they already are. Anger's no
good in this case. Here we must be tactful, and I want you to help me.
I knew you would.
Now we'll begin. _To Messrs. Morrow & Hope. Dear Sirs,--I hate_--no,
that's a little too strong, perhaps--_I much dislike_--that's
better--_I much dislike to bother you at a time when I know you must
be overworked in every direction_--you see the idea, don't you? What
we've got to do is to get on their soft side. It's no use bullyragging
them; understanding their difficulties is much better. You see that,
don't you? Of course; I knew you would. Now then. Where was I?
Oh yes--_overworked in every direction; but if, as you promised
yesterday, but unfortunately were unable_--I think that's good, don't
you? Much better than saying that they had broken their promise--_to
manage, you could spare a man to attend to our pipes without further
delay_--I think you might underline _without further delay_. Would
that be safe, I wonder? Yes, I think so--_I should be more than
grateful._ And now there's a problem. What I have been pondering is if
it would be wise to offer to pay an increased charge. I'd do anything
to get the pipes mended, but, on the other hand, it's not a sound
precedent. A state of society in which everyone bid against everyone
else for the first services of the plumber would be unbearable. Only
the rich would ever be plumbed, and very soon the plumbers would be
the millionaires. Perhaps we had better let the letter go as it is?
You think so and I think so. Very well then, just _Believe me, yours
faithfully_, and I'll sign it."
And now the Indignant and Confidential. Mr. Horace Bristowe is
dictative: "Ah, here you are, Miss Tappit. Now I've got trouble with
the plumbers, and I want to give the blighters--well, I can't say it
to you, but you know what I mean. There's my house dripping at every
pore, or rather pouring at every drip--I say, that's rather good; I
must remember that to tell them this evening. Just put that down on a
separate piece of paper, will you. Well, here's the place all soaked
and not a man can I get. They promised to send on Tuesday, they
promised to send yesterday, and this morning comes a note saying that
they can't now send till to-morrow. What do you think of that? And
they have worked for me for years. Years I've been employing them.
"Let's begin, anyway. _To Messrs. Tarry & Knott. Dear Sirs_--No, I'm
hanged if I'll call them dear. Ridiculous convention! They're not
dear--except in their charges. I say, that's not bad. No, just put
_Gentlemen_. But that's absurd too. They're not gentlemen, the swine!
They're anything but gentlemen, they're blackguards, swindlers, liars.
Seriously, Miss Tappit, I ask you, isn't it monstrous? Here am I, an
old customer, with burst pipes doing endless damage, and they can't
send anyone till to-morrow. Really, you know, it's the limit. I know
about the War and all that. I make every allowance. But I still say
it's the limit. Well, we must put the thing in the third person, I
suppose, if I'm not to call them either 'dear' or 'gentlemen.' _Mr.
Horace Bristowe presents his comp_--Good Heavens! he does nothing of
the kind--_Mr. Horace Bristowe begs to_--Begs! Of course I don't beg.
This really is becoming idiotic. Can't one write a letter like an
honest man, instead of all this flunkey business? Begin again: _To
Messrs. Tarry & Nott. Mr. Horace Bristowe considers that he has been
treated with a lack of consideration_--no, we can't have 'considers'
and 'consideration' so near together. What's another word for
'consideration'?--_treated with a lack of--a lack of_--Well, we'll
keep 'consideration' and alter 'considers.' Begin again: _Mr. Horace
Bristowe thinks_--no, that's not strong enough--_believes_--no. Ah,
I've got it--_Mr. Horace Bristowe holds that he has been treated by
you with a lack of consideration which_--I wonder if 'which' is better
than 'that'--_a lack of consideration that, considering his long_--no,
we can't have 'considering' just after 'consideration'--_that_--no,
_which--which--in view of his long record as_--What I want to say is
that it's an infernal shame that after all these years, in which I've
put business in their way and paid them scores of pounds, they should
treat me in this scurvy fashion, that's what I mean. The swine! I tell
you, Miss Tappit, it's infamous. I--(and so on).
The No-Nonsense Efficient businessman, so clear-headed and capable
that it is his continual surprise that he is not in the Cabinet
without the preliminary of an election, handles his correspondence
very differently. He presses a button for Miss Pether. She is really
Miss Carmichael, but it is a rule in this model office that the typist
takes a dynastic name, and Pether now goes with the typewriter, just
as all office-boys are William. Miss Pether arrives with her pad and
pencil and glides swiftly and noiselessly to her seat and looks up
with a face in which mingle eagerness, intelligence, loyalty and
knowledge of her attainments.
"_To Messrs. Promises & Brake_, says the business man,--_Gentlemen
comma the pipes at my house were not properly mended by your man
yesterday comma and there is still a leakage comma which is causing
both damage and inconvenience full stop Please let me have comma in
reply to this comma an assurance that someone shall be sent round at
once dash in a taxi comma if necessary full stop. If such an assurance
cannot be given comma I shall call in another firm and refuse to
pay your account full stop. Since the new trouble is due to your
employee's own negligence comma I look to you to give this job
priority over all others full stop. My messenger waits full stop. I am
comma yours faithfully comma._ Let me have it at once and tell the boy
to get a taxi."