On the ensuing day, the pacha was sitting at his divan, according to his
custom, Mustapha by his side, lending his ear to the whispers of divers
people who came to him in an attitude of profound respect. Still they
were most graciously received, as the purport of their intrusion was to
induce the vizier to interest himself in their behalves when their cause
came forward to be heard and decided upon by the pacha, who in all cases
was guided by the whispered opinion of Mustapha. Mustapha was a
good-hearted man: he was always grateful, and if any one did him a good
turn, he never forgot it. The consequence was, that an intimation that a
purse of so many sequins would be laid at his feet if the cause to be
heard was decided in favour of the applicant, invariably interested
Mustapha in the favour of that party; and Mustapha's opinion was always
coincided in by the pacha, because he had (or supposed that he had) half
of the sequins so obtained. True, the proverb says, "you should be just
before you are generous;" but Mustapha's arguments when he first
proposed to the pacha this method of filling the royal treasury, were so
excellent, that we shall hand them down to posterity. "In the first
place," said Mustapha, "it is evident that in all these causes the
plaintiffs and defendants are both rascals. In the second place, it is
impossible to believe a word on either side. In the third place,
exercising the best of your judgment, you are just as likely to go wrong
as right. In the fourth place, if a man happens to be wronged by our
decision, he deserves it as a punishment for his other misdeeds. In the
fifth place, as the only respectability existing in either party
consists in their worldly wealth, by deciding for him who gives most,
you decide for the most respectable man. In the sixth place, it is our
duty to be grateful for good done to us, and in so deciding, we exercise
a virtue strongly inculcated by the Koran. In the seventh place, we
benefit both parties by deciding quickly, as a loss is better than a
lawsuit. And in the eighth and last place, we want money."
On this day a cause was being heard, and, although weighty reasons had
already decided the verdict, still, _pro formâ_, the witnesses on both
sides were examined; one of these, upon being asked whether he witnessed
the proceedings, replied, "That he had no doubt, but there was doubt on
the subject, but that he doubted whether the doubts were correct."
"Doubt--no doubt--what is all this? do you laugh at our beards?" said
Mustapha sternly, who always made a show of justice. "Is it the fact or
not?"
"Your highness, I seldom met a fact, as it is called, without having
half a dozen doubts hanging to it," replied the man: "I will not,
therefore, make any assertion without the reservation of a doubt."
"Answer me plainly," replied the vizier, "or the ferashes and bamboo
will be busy with you very shortly. Did you see the money paid?"
"I believe as much as I can believe any thing in this world, that I did
see money paid; but I doubt the sum, and I doubt the metal, and I have
also my other doubts. May it please your highness, I am an unfortunate
man, I have been under the influence of doubts from my birth; and it has
become a disease which I have no doubt will only end with my existence.
I always doubt a fact, unless----"
"What does the ass say? What is all this but Bosh?--nothing. Let him
have a fact."
The pacha gave the sign--the ferashes appeared--the man was thrown, and
received fifty blows of the bastinado. The pacha then commanded them to
desist. "Now, by our beard, is it not a fact that you have received the
bastinado? If you still doubt the fact, we will proceed."
"The fact is beyond a doubt," replied the man, prostrating himself. "But
excuse me, your sublime highness, if I do continue to assert that I
cannot always acknowledge a fact, without such undeniable proofs as your
wisdom has been pleased to bring forward. If your highness were to hear
the history of my life, you would then allow that I have cause to
doubt."
"History of his life! Mustapha, we shall have a story."
"Another fifty blows on his feet would remove all his doubts, your
highness," replied Mustapha.
"Yes; but then he will be beaten out of his story. No, no; let him be
taken away till the evening, and then we shall see how he will make out
his case."
Mustapha gave directions, in obedience to the wish of the pacha. In the
evening, as soon as they had lighted their pipes, the man was ordered
in, and in consideration of his swelled feet, was permitted to sit down,
that he might be more at ease when he narrated his story, which was as
follows.
THE STORY OF HUDUSI.
Most sublime pacha, allow me first to observe, that, although I have
latterly adhered to my own opinions, I am not so intolerant as not to
permit the same licence to others: I do not mean to say that there are
not such things as facts in this world, nor to find fault with those who
believe in them. I am told that there are also such things as flying
dragons, griffins, and other wondrous animals, but surely it is quite
sufficient for me, or any one else, to believe that these animals
exist, when it may have been our fortune to see them; in the same
manner, I am willing to believe in a fact, when it is cleared from the
mists of doubt; but up to the present, I can safely say, that I seldom
have fallen in with a fact, unaccompanied by _doubts_, and every year
adds to my belief, that there are few genuine facts in existence. So
interwoven in my frame is doubt, that I sometimes am unwilling to admit,
as a fact, that I exist. I believe it to be the case, but I feel that I
have no right to assert it, until I know what death is, and may from
thence draw an inference, which may lead me to a just conclusion.
My name is Hudusi. Of my parents I can say little. My father asserted
that he was the bravest janissary in the sultan's employ, and had
greatly distinguished himself. He was always talking of Rustam, as being
a fool compared to him; of the number of battles he had fought, and of
the wounds which he had received in leading his corps on all desperate
occasions; but as my father often bathed before me, and the only wound I
could ever perceive was one in his rear, when he spoke of his bravery, I
_very much doubted the fact_.
My mother fondled and made much of me, declared that I was the image of
my father, a sweet pledge of their affections, a blessing sent by Heaven
upon their marriage; but, as my father's nose was aquiline, and mine is
a snub, or aquiline reversed; his mouth large, and mine small; his eyes
red and ferrety, and mine projecting; and, moreover, as she was a very
handsome woman, and used to pay frequent visits to the cave of a sainted
man in high repute, of whom I was the image, when she talked of the
janissary's paternity, I _very much doubted the fact_.
An old mollah taught me to read and write and repeat the verses of the
Koran--and I was as much advanced as any boy under his charge--but he
disliked me very much for reasons which I never could understand, and
was eternally giving me the slipper. He declared that I was a reprobate,
an unbeliever, a son of Jehanum, who would be impaled before I was much
older; but here I am, without a stake through my body at the age of
forty-five; and your highness must acknowledge that when he railed all
this in my ears, I was justified in _very much doubting the fact_.
When I was grown up, my father wanted me to enrol myself in the corps of
janissaries, and become a lion-killer like himself; I remonstrated, but
in vain; he applied, and I was accepted, and received the mark on my
arm, which constituted me a janissary. I put on the dress, swaggered and
bullied with many other young men of my acquaintance, who were all
ready, as they swore, to eat their enemies alive, and who curled their
mustachios to prove the truth of what they said. We were despatched to
quell a rebellious pacha--we bore down upon his troops with a shout,
enough to frighten the devil, but the devil a bit were they frightened,
they stood their ground; and as they would not run, we did, leaving
those who were not so wise, to be cut to pieces. After this, when any of
my companions talked of their bravery, or my father declared that he
should be soon promoted to the rank of a Spahi, and that I was a lion's
whelp, I _very much doubted the fact_.
The pacha held out much longer than was at first anticipated; indeed, so
long as to cause no little degree of anxiety in the capital. More troops
were despatched to subdue him; and success not attending our efforts,
the vizier, according to the custom, was under the disagreeable
necessity of parting with his head, which was demanded because we turned
tail. Indeed, it was to oblige us, that the sultan consented to deprive
himself of the services of a very able man; for we surrounded the
palace, and insisted that it was all his fault, but, considering our
behaviour in the field of battle, your highness must admit that there
was reason to _doubt the fact_.
We were again despatched against this rebellious pacha, who sat upon the
parapets of his stronghold, paying down thirty sequins for the head of
every janissary brought to him by his own troops, and I am afraid a
great deal of money was spent in that way. We fell into an ambuscade,
and one half of the corps to which my father belonged were cut to
pieces, before we could receive any assistance. At last the enemy
retired. I looked for my father, and found him expiring; as before, he
had received a wound on the wrong side, a spear having transfixed him
between the shoulders. "Tell how I died like a brave man," said he, "and
tell your mother that I am gone to Paradise." From an intimate knowledge
of my honoured father's character, in the qualities of thief, liar, and
coward, although I promised to deliver the message, _I very much doubted
these facts_.
That your highness may understand how it was that I happened to be left
alone, and alive on the field of battle, I must inform you, that I
inherited a considerable portion of my father's courageous temper, and
not much liking the snapping of the pistols in my face, I had thrown
myself down on the ground, and had remained there very quietly,
preferring to be trampled on, rather than interfere with what was going
on above.
* * * * *
"By the sword of the prophet! there is one fact--you were a very great
coward," observed the pacha.
"Among my other doubts, your highness, I certainly have some doubts as
to my bravery."
"By the beard of the pacha, I have no doubts on the subject," observed
Mustapha.
"Without attempting to defend my courage, may I observe to your
highness, that it was a matter of perfect indifference to me whether the
sultan or the pacha was victorious; and I did not much admire hard
blows, without having an opportunity of putting a few sequins in my
pocket. I never knew of any man, however brave he might be, who fought
for love of fighting, or amusement; we all are trying in this world to
get money; and that is, I believe, the secret spring of all our
actions."
"Is that true, Mustapha?" inquired the pacha.
"May it please your sublime highness, if not the truth, it is not very
far from it. Proceed, Hudusi."
* * * * *
The ideas which I have ventured to express before your sublime highness,
were running in my mind, as I sat down among the dead and dying, and I
thought how much better off were the pacha's soldiers than those of our
sublime sultan, who had nothing but hard blows, while the pacha's
soldiers received thirty sequins for the head of everyone of our corps
of janissaries; and one idea breeding another, I reflected that it would
be very prudent, now that the pacha appeared to be gaining the
advantage, to be on the right side. Having made up my mind upon this
point, it then occurred to me, that I might as well get a few sequins by
the exchange, and make my appearance before the pacha, with one or two
of the heads of the janissaries, who were lying close to me. I therefore
divested myself of whatever might give the idea of my belonging to the
corps, took off the heads and rifled the pockets of three janissaries,
and was about to depart, when I thought of my honoured father, and
turned back to take a last farewell. It was cruel to part with a parent,
and I could not make up my mind to part with him altogether, so I added
his head, and the contents of his sash, to those of the other three, and
smearing my face and person with blood, with my scimitar in my hand and
the four heads tied up in a bundle, made my way for the pacha's
stronghold; but the skirmishing was still going on outside of the walls,
and I narrowly escaped a corps of janissaries, who would have recognised
me. As it was, two of them followed me as I made for the gate of the
fortress; and, encumbered as I was, I was forced to turn at bay. No man
fights better than, and even a man who otherwise would not fight at all,
will fight well, when he can't help it. I never was so brave in my life.
I cut down one, and the other ran away, and this in the presence of the
pacha, who was seated on the embrasure at the top of the wall; and thus
I gained my entrance into the fort. I hastened to the pacha's presence,
and laid at his feet the four heads. The pacha was so pleased at my
extraordinary valour, that he threw me a purse of five hundred pieces of
gold, and ordered me to be promoted, asking me to what division of his
troops I belonged. I replied, that I was a volunteer. I was made an
officer, and thus did I find myself a rich man and a man of consequence
by merely changing sides.
* * * * *
"That's not quite so uncommon a method of getting on in the world as you
may imagine," observed Mustapha, drily.
"Mustapha," said the pacha, almost gasping, "all these are words,
wind--bosh. By the fountains that play round the throne of Mahomet, but
my throat feels as hot and as dry with this fellow's doubts, as if it
were paved with live cinders. I doubt whether we shall be able ever to
moisten it again."
"That doubt, your sublimity ought to resolve immediately. Hudusi,
murakhas--my friend, you are dismissed."
Hardly had the doubter gathered up his slippers, and backed out from the
presence, when the pacha and his minister were, with an honest rivalry,
endeavouring to remove at once their doubts and their thirst, and were
so successful in their attempts, that they, in a short time, exchanged
their state of dubiety into a very happy one of ebriety.