Dear Sir--Many years ago it was my misfortune to be jilted in love
by a cruel-hearted woman. I pined away, and fell into a bad state of
health, and was advised by my friends to take some physic. I never
took a single dose except somebody told me that it was exactly what
I wanted to make me well--but it all did me no good. I only got
worse until I came across the right thing, which I will presently
describe. I find, in looking over my paid bills, the following are
the kinds and quantities of physic I have used during my illness:--
Holloway's Pills, 227 boxes; Cockle's Pills, 121 boxes, Beecham's
Pills, 80 boxes; Parr's Life Pills, 76 boxes, Blue Pills, 849 boxes.
One friend advised me to give up Pills and take some good
old-fashioned physic. I took of Jalap, 37 pounds; Caster Oil; 180
bottles, Salts and Senna, 800 doses; Rhubarb and Magnesia, 300 doses;
Brimstone and Treacle, 800 doses--but this did me no good. Another
friend advised me to take some world-fames patent medicines, so I
took of Eno's Fruit Salt 190 bottles, Warner's Safe Cure, 200
bottles; Townsend's Sarsaparilla, 120 bottles; Hop Bitters, 180
bottles; Dandelion Ale, two hogsheads. I took Hayter's Nerve Tonic,
Hayter's Blood purifier, Hayter's Invigorator, and Hayter's
Pick-Me-Up, of each 100 bottles; and Wolfe's Schnapps, 630 bottles--
but I felt no better. Another friend came along, and said for my
complaint it was no use taking medicines internally, and I must use
the "Rub On Remedies," so I rubbed on Holloway's Ointment, 241 boxes;
Davis's Pain Killer, 70 bottles; Moulton's Pain Paint, 60 bottles;
St. Jacob's oil, Weston's Wizard Oil, and Croton Oil, of each 100
bottles: and of Eucalyptus Oil, 900 quart bottles--but I felt no
better. Another friend advised the Herb Cure, so I took strong
decoctions of Chamomile, Pennyroyal, Peppermint, Rue, Tansy, Quassia,
Horehound, Wormwood, Aconite, Belladonna, Hemlock, Nux Vomica,
Lungwort, Liverwort, Moonwort, Sneezewort, and Snakeweed--altogether
I took about 1700 quarts of these horrid decoctions--but I felt no
better. Another friend told me my stomach was out of order, and
required cleansing, so I took of Ipecacuanha Wine 139 quarts--but
this did not cure me. Another friend said all diseases come from
insects, and I had insects in me, and must take special medicine for
them, so I took of Keating's insecticide 730 packets--but got no
better. Another friend advised me to try Homoeopathy. I took 111
tubes of pilules and 80 bottles of tinctures--but they did me no
good. Another friend advised me to try the water cure. I took cold
baths, warm baths, tepid baths, and Turkish baths in hundreds, and
drank about twenty hogsheads of mineral waters--but it did me no
good. Another friend advised the Acid Cure, so I took Acetic Acid,
Muriatic Acid, Nitric Acid, Sulphuric Acid, Oxalic Acid, and Prussic
Acid, of each about twenty quarts--but got no better. Another friend
advised Soothing Medicines, so I took over 400 of Steedman's Soothing
powders, and 130 bottles of Mother Winslow's Soothing Syrup--but I
was still irritable and nervous. My last course of medicine consisted
of Steel Drops, Balm of Gilead, Turpentine, Chloroform, Cod Liver
Oil, Assafoetida, Spanish Flies, and Cayenne Pepper--about fifteen
pounds of each--but it all did me no good. I simply got worse and
worse, and was reduced to a mere shadow of skin and bone, but, as
luck would have it, another friend came along--a true friend this
time--and suggested Cole's FUN DOCTOR. I got it, and was well and
stout in a Week, at a cost of 1s 6d.
Sworn at Temple Court, and Signed in Everlasting Gratitude,
Government House, Melbourne
JOHN SMITH
[Illustration: Bachelor, Before and After.]
[Page 193--Comic Advertiser]
[Illustration: Vocal Solo.]
A man on a train was heard to groan so frightfully that the
passengers took pity on him, and one of them gave him a drink out of
a whisky flask. "Do you feel better?" asked the giver. "I do," said
he who had groaned. "What ailed you anyway?" "Ailed me?" "Yes; what
made you groan so?" "Groan! Great Land o'Goshen! I was singing!" The
generous man will never quite cease to regret the loss of that drink
of whisky.
[Illustration: Instrumental Solo.]
[Illustration: Trio.]
[Illustration: Duet.]
[Illustration: Quartette.]
Cole's Book Arcade. Cole's Book Arcade,
it is in Melbourne town,
Of all the book stores in this land,
it has the most renown.
[Illustration: Full Band and Choir.]
TUNE: All the Tunes there are mixed.
[Page 194--Comic Advertiser]