Angelina Armstrong Abruptly Asked an Advertising Agent About an
Alliterating Advertisement Appearing, Announcing An Astonishing,
Admirable, Attractive, Agreeable, Artistic, And Advanced Australian
Arcade.
Meaning Cole's Book Arcade.
Bridget Bradshaw Bamboozled the Barber's Beautiful Baby By Bouncing
it into Believing a Bandbox to Be a Big Book.
From Coles Book Arcade.
Clarissa Cox Cautiously Crept & Caught with a Candle extinguisher a
Congregation of Catterwauling Cats Conducting a Confounded
Corroboree.
On the roof of Coles Book Arcade.
Dorothy Dwight in the Dark Drew a Decidedly Delightful Drawing,
Depicting a Dictating, Domineering Despot; a Desperate Despoiling
Demogogue; a Disdainful Duchess Dowager; a Dainty, Dressy Dandy,
and a Downright Double-Dealing Dodger.
Which drawing can be inspected at Cole's Book Arcade by anyone who
can see clearly in the Dark.
Eudocia Emul, the Eccentric Epicurian Empress of Ethiopia,
Electrified the East End of Egypt by Eagerly and Easily Eating, as
an Experiment, an Egg, an Eagle, an Emu, and Electrical Eel, and an
Enormous Elephant, larger than the one Exhibited next to Cole's
Book Arcade.
Fanny Fagan's Fine, Flossy, Fashionable Feathers Frequently
Flopped, Flirted, and Flounced Forcibly From Fun.
When she read some of the lively books from Cole's Book Arcade.
Georgina Gubbins Gently, Gracefully, Gravely, Grammatically,
Graphically, and Grandiloquently Grumbled at her Great-Grandmother.
Because she so seldom went to Cole's Book Arcade.
Harriet Hopkins Had an Habitual, Haughty, Harsh, Hasty, Huffy,
Hateful, Hideous, Horrid, Headstrong, Heedless, Hysterical, Habit
of Henpecking Her Husband at Home.
When he would not take her to Cole's Book Arcade, to get a book on
Saturday night.
Isabella Ingram Ironically Inquired of the Illustrious Imperial
Indian If Idleness, Ignorance, Impudence, Intemperance,
Intolerance, Inhumanity, and Infamy.
Were the seven cardinal virtues. She was referred for an answer to
the Instructive books in Cole's Book Arcade.
Jemima Jenkins, the Jerusalem Jewess, Judiciously Jotted Jokes in
her Journal in June on her Journey through Judea to Jericho, beyond
Jordan.
[N.B.--Jericho, beyond Jordan, is about 10,000 miles from Cole's
Book Arcade.]
Kate Kearney Kidnapped a Knave, a Knight, a Khan, a Kaiser and a
King, and Kindly Kept them upon Ketchup, Kale, Kidneys, Kingfishes,
Kittens and Kangaroos.
She did not buy her cookery book at Cole's Book Arcade: he doesn't
sell books showing how to cook Kittens.
Lucy Larkins Lately Let a Lovely, Lonely Lady Look Leisurely at a
Large Live Lobster by the aid of a Lucid Little Lime-Light,
Borrowed from Cole's Book Arcade.
Mary Muggin's Mother Made a Mighty, Monstrous, Mammoth, Monument of
Marmalade jars; Mounted up, and Minutely Minced the Moon into a
Multitude of Magnificent stars.
[N.B.--About 300 bushels of said stars fell on top of Cole's Book
Arcade and may be seen on application.]
[Illustration: Old Woman Cutting the Moon into Stars.]
Nancy Nuttall was a Nonsensical, Noodlesome, Nincompoopish,
Namby-pamby, Numskulled, Needle-woman; Nevertheless, at Ninety-Nine
she Neatly and Nimbly Nabbed in the Nuptial Noose a Notable Noble
Nabob of Nagpoor.
And directly after the marriage Nagged him into sending for books
to Cole's Book Arcade.
Olivia Oliphant, of Omeo, ordered an Obstinate Old Organ-grinding
Ostrich to Overwhelm with Oil an Olive, an Onion, an Orange, an
Onion, an Orange, an Ocean, and an Oat.
And then go to Cole's Book Arcade and get a book.
Papline Potts, a Poor, Penniless Peasant, Prettily, Pleasantly,
Pathetically and Perfectly Played a Piece of music in a Parlour at
a Pleasure-Palace to a Picked, Packed Party of Particular
Personages, consisting of Peers, Peeresses, Princes and Princesses.
The piece of music was bought Quarter-Price at Cole's Book Arcade.
Quintina Quirk Quarrelled with the Queer, Quaint, Quadroon Queen of
Quito, and Quizzingly Questioned her Quivering, Quaking
Quartermaster.
If he was Quite sure he bought all his pens and pencils at Cole's
Book Arcade.
Ruth Robertson's Rich Rival, Regardless of Right, Rhyme, or Reason,
Recently Ran a Rapid, Rattling Race Round a Regiment of Royal
Russian Red Republicans,
Instead of Running into Cole's Book Arcade.
Seraphina Susanna Selina Sally Snooks, a Sober, Serious, Staid,
Seraphic, and Sentimental Sailoress, Solicited a Situation as
Superior Saloon Stewardess on the Splendid Spanish Steamship
_Salamanca_, and Straightway Stipulated with the Sprightly
Supercargo to Slyly and Suddenly Sail Southward at Sunrise for Six
Shillingsworth of Select Stationery to Cole's Book Arcade.
Theresa Toodles Thatched a Trumpery Tipperary Theatre Three
Thousand and Thirty-Three Times, and Then Took To Table-Turning and
Table-Talking.
But never Turned into nor Talked about Cole's Book Arcade until
afterwards.
Urania Upton was Uncouth, Ungraceful, Unfashionable, Unladylike,
Uninteresting, Unpresentable, and Ugly. She was Unpoetical,
Unmusical, Unlearned, Uncultured, Unimproved, Uninformed,
Unknowing, Unthinking, Unwitty and Unwise. She was Unlively,
Undersized, Unwholesome and Unhealthy. She was Unlovely, Ungentle,
Uncivil, Unsociable, Untameable, and altogether Unendurable. She
was Unkind, Unfeeling, Unloving, Unthankful, Ungrateful, Unwilling,
Unruly, Unreasonable, Unwomanly, Unworthy, Unmotherly, Undutious,
Unmerciful, Untruthful, Unfair, Unjust and Unprincipled. She was
Unpunctual, Unthrifty, Unskilful, Unready, Unsafe, Unfit, and
totally Unprofitable. She was Unknown, Unnoticed, Unheeded,
Unobeyed, Unloved, Unfriended, Unemployed, Unvalued, Unpopular, and
actually Unpitied. She was Unsuccessful, Unfortunate, Unlucky,
Unpaid, Unshod, Unfed, Unquiet, Unsettled, Uncertain, Undecided,
Unhinged, Uneasy, Upset, Unhappy, and Utterly Useless.
Until, by chance, she went to Cole's Book Arcade, and got some good
instructive books, and now she is the very best person in
Australia, and the best but two in the world.
Victoria Vincent Valiantly Vaccinated a Vapouring, Verbose Varmit
of a Vulgar Villainous Vagabond, who Very Verdantly Ventured on a
Versatile, Veteran, Valueless Velocipede to Visit the Viceroy of
Venice, instead of Visiting Cole's Book Arcade.
Wilhelmina Wilkins Was a Worthy, Witty, Widow Washerwoman, Who
Washed Woollen Waistcoats, Worsted Waistbands, and Water-proof
Wrappers With a Washing-Machine, and lived Well upon Water-gruel;
Whereupon William Watson, a Wide-awake Widowed Waterman, Wisely
Walked With her--Whispered, Winked, Wooed, Won, Wedded, and Wafted
her across the Wide Waste of Water Waves, and got her a Weird
Waltz.
Quarter-Price at Cole's Book Arcade.
Xantippe Xman, the eXiled eXqueen of the eXquimaux, eXceedingly
eXcelled in eXerting an eXquisite eXactness in eXpense in general;
but eXhibited the most eXceptional, eXtensive, eXtraordinary,
eXcessive, eXtravagant, but eXcusable eXuberance.
When she visited Cole's Book Arcade, to buy books.
Yellena Yellat, the Yellow Yahoo of Yokohama, Yawned Yesterday at
Yon Yelping Yokel of the Yankee Yeomanry.
And told him that he, being ignorant, should go at once and get
educated at Cole's Book Arcade.
Zenobian Zoziman, the Zouave Zemindaress of Zululand, was no Zany,
but rode on a Zanzibar Zebra, resided in a Zing-Zag Zenana,
Zealously studied Zanyism, Zealotism, Zoology, Zoonomy,
Zoophytology, Zoolatry, Zymology, Zincography
And many other 'isms, 'ologies, 'olatries, 'ographies, etc., out of
the works she bought at Cole's Book Arcade.
[Page 110--Forty Ways Of Travelling]
A Wonderful Search Journey by the 40 principal modes of travelling
in The World, and a Prize of L1000 offered for a Flying Machine.
I have always been a man of one idea at a time, and that one idea I
have followed with unwavering determination until success has
rewarded my efforts. Now listen to my story:--A short time ago, much
desiring to obtain a particular article, I determined to get it if it
was possible to do so in this world, and so started on my search
journey. I ran into Melbourne and asked
[Illustration: Running.]
His Excellency the GOVERNOR of Victoria if he knew where I could get
it, he said he did not but I might ask the RAJAH of Sarawak. I took
ship to Sarawak, asked the Rajah, he said he did not know, but
referred me to the MIKADO of Japan. I jumped into a boat, pulled
[Illustration: Rowing.]
to Jedo, asked His Dual Majesty, Lord Paramount of Japan, and head of
the Sintoo Faith, he said he did not know, but perhaps the TYCOON of
Japan did. I got into a jimriksha and was trotted
[Illustration: In cart pulled by native.]
away to the house of the unfortunate Tycoon, he said he could not
help me, but referred me to the GREAT CHAM of Tartary. I jumped into
a Chinese junk,
[Illustration: Chinese Sail-Boat.]
bore away to Pekin and saw the Great Cham of the Celestials, "Son of
Heaven," "Brother to the Sun, Moon and Stars," "Father of Mankind,"
"Governor of the World" and head of the Confucian Faith. He
condescendingly said he did not know, but maybe the TIANG of Nankin
could inform me; I took a sailing wheelbarrow to the Centre of Wise
Learning, saw the head
[Illustration: In Wheelbarrow with Sail and Pushed by Native.]
of the Taoist Faith, he could not tell me where to get it but perhaps
the GRAND LAMA of Thibet could, I jumped on the back of a Yak, rode
to Lassa,
[Illustration: Riding a Yak.]
interviewed the head of the Buddhist Faith he said he wanted one
himself, but did not know where to get it, go, says he, to the CZAR
of Russia, present my compliments and ask him for one for yourself
and one for me. I took passage in a reindeer sleigh to St.
[Illustration: Reindeer Sleigh.]
Petersburg, saw the CZAR, he referred me to his brother monarch the
KEIZAR of Austria. I jumped on a horse, galloped away to Vienna, saw
the Keizar,
[Illustration: Riding Horse.]
he did not know, but I could try the QUEEN of England, I jumped into
an electric train, made for the metropolis
[Illustration: Riding Small Train.]
of the world, saw Her Royal, Imperial, and Republican Majesty the
"Queen of England," "Empress of India," Sovereign of Canada,
Australia, and forty other countries, the most powerful and beloved
ruler of the finest race of men, and the largest, mightiest, and
grandest Empire the world ever saw. I now said to myself I surely
shall get the article I want from the vast resources of Her Majesty,
but in answer to my query she politely remarked that she did not
think I should get in her dominions, but was almost certain that I
could get it from the CHIEF of the Greenland Esquimeaux, I rose up in
[Illustration: In a Balloon.]
a balloon, flew through the air across the Atlantic, saw the Chief,
he could not say, but referred me to the VICEROY of the Dominion, I
jumped on the back of a reindeer, trotted away to Ottawa, saw
[Illustration: Riding a Reindeer.]
the Viceroy, he was positively ignorant on the subject and referred
me to the Mormon PROPHET. Got into an ice ship,
[Illustration: Ice Ship Sailing over Ice.]
[Page 111--Forty Ways Of Travelling]
slid away over the snow to Utah, saw the Prophet, he had heard of it
but did not know where I should get it, but I might at least ask the
SACHAM of the Flat-Head Indians, I jumped into a dog-sleigh,
scampered away, hailed the
[Illustration: Dog Sleigh.]
Sachem, but he did not know, but perhaps the PRESIDENT of Peru did,
rode on a one-man sedan to the City of Earthquakes,
[Illustration: In a Chair on back of Native.]
saw the President, he did not know, but would I be so good as ask the
EMPEROR of Brazil, I sprang on to the back of a llama, flopped away
to Rio;
[Illustration: Riding a Llama.]
the American Emperor said he did not know himself, but surely the
SHEIKH of Timbuctoo ought to tell. I jumped into a canoe, crossed
the Atlantic,
[Illustration: Rowing Canoe.]
reached the Negro city, asked the Sheikh, he said it was like my
impudence asking him, how should he know such a thing? none of the
traditions of the negro continent mentioned it, but if I thought such
a thing existed I had better ask his Sublime Mightiness the SULTAN of
Zanzibar, I jumped on the back of an ostrich, strode away to the
[Illustration: Riding an Ostrich.]
Isle of Beauty, saw the Sultan, he shook his head and referred me to
the NEGUS of Abyssinia, I was carried rapidly in a head palenkeen on
the heads of four
[Illustration: Lying on platform carried by four Natives.]
negroes to Magdala, spoke to the Negus, he referred me to the KHEDIVE
[Illustration: In a Peddle-Powered Paddle-Boat.]
of Egypt, I got into a water-velocipede, trod away up the Red Sea to
the city of the Pyramids, saw the Khedive, he referred me to the
SHERIF of Mecca, I at once bestrode a donkey, cantered
[Illustration: Riding a Donkey.]
away to the Sacred City, asked the custodian of the Precious Tomb of
the Great Prophet, the query nonplussed him, and he desired me to
wait on the IMAUN of Muscat, I mounted a camel,
[Illustration: Riding a Camel.]
ambled across to the hot city of the Imaun, he could not say but
referred me to the RAO of Cutch, I made for Bhooj on a raft, spoke to
the Rao, he
[Illustration: Punting a Raft.]
had not got one, but referred me to the GUICOWAR of Gujerat and
considerately lent me a pair of ten-feet stilts for the
[Illustration: Walking on Stilts through Swamp.]
journey. I waded from the City of Dismal Swamps and finally reached
Baroda on my stilts, saw the Guicowar, he had never heard of the
article, but referred me to the HIGH PRIEST of the Parsees, I got
into a sedan, was borne
[Illustration: Sitting in Sedan carried by two Locals.]
to Bombay, saw the head of the Parsee Faith, he had not the article,
did not believe that it existed, as it was not mentioned in any of
the sacred books of the Parsees, but finally referred me to the BIBY
of Canonore, I mounted an Elephant
[Illustration: Riding an Elephant.]
stamped down the coast, addressed the Biby, she said it was the first
time she had heard of the article, but the MAHARAJAH of Mysore might
have one. I stepped into a palenkeen
[Page 112--Forty Ways Of Travelling]
[Illustration: Sitting in Sedan carried by four Locals.]
and four men trotted away to Mysore, the Great Rajah said he had not
got one, perhaps the NIZAM of Hyderabad could assist me. I got into a
horse-sedan, went
[Illustration: Sitting in Sedan on back of Horse.]
to Hyderabad, saw the Nizam, he did not know and suggested the GRAND
MAHUNT of Benares. I got into a horse-palenkeen, made straight for
the
[Illustration: Lying in Sedan carried by Two Horses.]
City of the Sacred Shrines, saw the head of the Hindoo Faith, he did
not know where it could be got, but had I asked the THACKOOR of
Bhrownnuggar? No!--or the Swat of Ackoond, or the Mudor of Cassala,
or the Hospodar of Wallachia, or the Aboona of Gondar or the
Patriarch of Constantinople, or the Archbishop of Canterbury? I said
most decidedly not--that I would not waste my time consulting such
insignificant magnates, then, says he, just you ask the GURO of the
Sikhs. I jumped astride of a Bramah Bull, and
[Illustration: Riding a Bull.]
trotted away to Amritsar; saw the head of the Sikh Faith, he had not
got the article, had not heard of it, but advised me to apply to the
AMEER of Afghanistan. I got into an ox dooly and at
[Illustration: Sitting in Sedan on two wheels pulled by Oxen.]
length reached Cabul, saw the Ameer, he had not got it, had not seen
it, nor heard of it, did not believe the article existed, but the
KHAN of Bokhara could speak more positively about it. I got into a
Tocan or Hamockeen and was
[Illustration: Lying in Hammock suspended by pole carried by two
Natives.]
carried by two men to Bokhara, interviewed the Khan, he said it was
absurd for the Ameer to send to him, he knew nothing about it, but
the SHAH of Persia probably did. I got into a mule sleigh,
[Illustration: Lying in a Mule-Drawn Sleigh.]
glided away to Teheran, enquired of the Shah, could get no
satisfaction, he never heard of it, was I sure there was such an
article in existence? I told him that I wanted to find out, but I
thought there must be somewhere. Oh, then, said he, try the CHIEF
RABBI of Jerusalem. I got into a coach, tore away to
[Illustration: Riding a Coach drawn by Two Horses.]
the Holy City of the Jews, asked the head of the Jewish Faith, he had
not one, I had better ask the PASHA of Damascus. I jumped astride of
a bicycle,
[Illustration: Riding a Penny-Farthing Bicycle.]
trundled away to the oldest city in the world; asked the Pasha, he
could not say, I had better ask the EMIR of the Druses. I creeped up
the Lebanon in a bullock-waggon, saw and asked the
[Illustration: Riding a Wagon drawn by Bullock-Team.]
head of the Druse Faith, he referred me to the BEY of Tunis. I got on
to a tricycle, rode to Tunis, saw the Bey,
[Illustration: Riding a Penny-Farthing style Tricycle.]
he could not tell, perhaps the POPE of Rome could. I jumped into a
ship,
[Illustration: Sailing Ship With Three Masts.]
made for the Eternal City, asked the head of the Christian Church,
His Holiness could not tell, perhaps the GRAND SEIGNEUR of Turkey
might. I stepped into a railway steam carriage, swept
[Illustration: Steam Train and Carriage.]
around to the Golden Horn; saw His Sublime Mightiness the PADISHAW,
he
[Page 113--Forty Ways Of Travelling]
said that he had not got one and never heard of it; but when I
described to him, in clear, concise and glowing terms, the real value
of the article to the whole human race, he said that every person
black or white, or brown, or yellow, or red, or any other colour
whatever, in the world, should have one and that it was the duty of
all Kings and Queens and Emperors, and Sultans, and Czars, and
Keizars, and Khedives and Khans, and Shahs, and Ameers, and Deys, and
Beys, and Great Chams, and Grand Lamas, to see that every one of
their subjects obtained one without delay. I said those were exactly
my sentiments; but where was it to be got. He again graciously
assured me that he did not know, bit I might ask the GRAND MUFTI of
Turkey, the fountain of all human knowledge, and custodian of the
sacred Koran. I tore along in a goat-carriage, interviewed the head
of
[Illustration: Riding a Goat-Drawn Carriage.]
the Mahometan Faith; but in answer to my query this Mighty Spiritual
Magnate seemed taken aback; he affirmed that the Koran did not
mention the article, and, therefore, he believed that it could not
exist, but had I made a thorough search for it; had I tried the Dey
of Algiers. I answered no! Had I tried the Doge of Venice--the
Elector of Saxony--the Begum of Oude--the Stadholder of Holland--
the Peishwa of Poona--the Nabob of Bengal--the Caliph of Bagdad--
the Inca of Peru, or the great Mogul. I looked at the Grand Mufti in
speechless astonishment; he might as well have asked me if I had
enquired of Pharaoh or Nebuchadnezzer. I shook my head and rushed
from his presence, completely nonplussed, bewildered, frantic. Where
on earth was I to get the article? I had asked, and asked, and asked
again, and was tired of asking. I had travelled fifty thousand miles
by forty different modes of conveyance; consulted in their own
capitals with thirty secular monarchs, governing three-fourths of the
world; and I had with earnest, respectful enquiry approached the
sacerdotal thrones of the spiritual monarchs of the eleven principal
religions of mankind, and yet I could get no tidings of it. What was
I to do? I was now standing in front of the great Mosque at
Constantinople almost frantic with perplexity; some one approached
and handed me a printed announcement. I read it! It sent an
inexpressible thrill through me. I immediately took a steamer
[Illustration: Large Steam-Powered Paddle-Boat.]
for Melbourne, landed there, jumped into a cab, went straight to
Cole's Book
[Illustration: Carriage drawn by One Horse.]
Arcade, and saw a drawing of the very article I had ransacked the
world over to obtain, and what do you think it was? It was a FLYING
MACHINE! I wanted a flying machine, Mr. Cole informed me that he had
not got his machine to fly yet, and that in all the world a machine
was not yet invented that would fly, but that, through the active and
progressive ingenuity of the human intellect, such a machine was
certain to be invented in the future, and as an earnest of his strong
conviction he handed me a document, which ran as follows:--