"Weel," said he, "ye might do better, but it's guid enough. I am Captain
Alister McAlister of Auchimachie, at your service, that is to say, his
superior half. I fell in one of the attacks on the citadel. Those"--he
employed a strong qualification which need not be reproduced--"those
Johnny Crapauds used chain-shot; and they cut me in half at the
waistbelt, and my legs are in Scotland."
Having somewhat recovered from my astonishment, I was able to take a
further look at him, and could not restrain a laugh. He so much
resembled Humpty Dumpty, who, as I had learned in childhood, did sit on
a wall.
"Is there anything so rideeculous about me?" asked Captain McAlister in
a tone of irritation. "You seem to be in a jocular mood, sir."
"I assure you," I responded, "I was only laughing from joy of heart at
the happy chance of meeting you, Alister McAlister."
"Of Auchimachie, and my title is Captain," he said. "There is only half
of me here--the etceteras are in the family vault in Scotland."
I expressed my genuine surprise at this announcement. "You must
understand, sir," continued he, "that I am but the speeritual
presentment of my buried trunk. The speeritual presentment of my nether
half is not here, and I should scorn to use those of Captain
O'Hooligan."
I pressed my hand to my brow. Was I in my right senses? Had the hot sun
during the day affected my brain, or had the last drain of whisky upset
my reason?
"You may be pleased to know," said the half-captain, "that my father,
the Laird of Auchimachie, and Colonel Graham of Ours, were on terms of
the greatest intimacy. Before I started for the war under Wellington--he
was at the time but Sir Arthur Wellesley--my father took Colonel Graham
apart and confided to him: 'If anything should happen to my son in the
campaign, you'll obleege me greatly if you will forward his remains to
Auchimachie. I am a staunch Presbyterian, and I shouldn't feel happy
that his poor body should lie in the land of idolaters, who worship the
Virgin Mary. And as to the expense, I will manage to meet that; but be
careful not to do the job in an extravagant manner.'"
"And the untoward Fates cut you short?"
"Yes, the chain-shot did, but not in the Peninsula. I passed safely
through that, but it was here. When we were makin' the bridge, the
enemy's ships were up the river, and they fired on us with chain-shot,
which ye ken are mainly used for cutting the rigging of vessels. But
they employed them on us as we were engaged over the pontoons, and I was
just cut in half by a pair of these shot at the junction of the tunic
and the trews."
"I cannot understand how that your legs should be in Scotland and your
trunk here."
"That's just what I'm aboot to tell you. There was a Captain O'Hooligan
and I used to meet; we were in the same detachment. I need not inform
you, if you're a man of understanding, that O'Hooligan is an Irish name,
and Captain Timothy O'Hooligan was a born Irishman and an ignorant
papist to boot. Now, I am by education and conveection a staunch
Presbyterian. I believe in John Calvin, John Knox, and Jeannie Geddes.
That's my creed; and if ye are disposed for an argument----"
"Not in the least."
"Weel, then, it was other with Captain O'Hooligan, and we often had
words; but he hadn't any arguments at all, only assertions, and he lost
his temper accordingly, and I was angry at the unreasonableness of the
man. I had had an ancestor in Derry at the siege and at the Battle of
the Boyne, and he spitted three Irish kerns on his sabre. I glory in it,
and I told O'Hooligan as much, and I drank a glass of toddy to the
memory of William III., and I shouted out Lillibulero! I believe in the
end we would have fought a duel, after the siege was over, unless one of
us had thought better of it. But it was not to be. At the same time that
I was cut in half, so was he also by chain-shot."
"And is he buried here?"
"The half of him--his confounded legs, and the knees that have bowed to
the image of Baal."
"Then, what became of his body?"
"If you'll pay me reasonable attention, and not interrupt, I'll tell you
the whole story. But--sure enough! Here come those legs!"
Instantly the half-man rolled off the wall, on the outside, and heaving
himself along on his hands, scuttled behind a tree-trunk.
Next moment I saw a pair of nimble lower limbs, in white ducks and
straps under the boots, leap the wall, and run about, up and down, much
like a setter after a partridge.