"You let me. . ." I groped for the words. "You let me turn into. . ."
They wouldn't come.
"I did," he said.
All this time. Lil and he, standing on _my_ porch, telling me I needed
help. Doctor Pete, telling me I needed refresh from backup, me saying
no, no, no, not wanting to lose my last year with Dan.
"I've done some pretty shitty things in my day," he said. "This is the
absolute worst. You helped me and I betrayed you. I'm sure glad I don't
believe in God -- that'd make what I'm going to do even scarier."
Dan was going to kill himself in two days' time. My friend and my
murderer. "Dan," I croaked. I couldn't make any sense of my mind. Dan,
taking care of me, helping me, sticking up for me, carrying this
horrible shame with him all along. Ready to die, wanting to go with a
clean conscience.
"You're forgiven," I said. And it was true.
He stood.
"Where are you going" I asked.
"To find Jeanine, the one who pulled the trigger. I'll meet you at the
Hall of Presidents at nine a.m.."
#
I went in through the Main Gate, not a castmember any longer, a Guest
with barely enough Whuffie to scrape in, use the water fountains and
stand in line. If I were lucky, a castmember might spare me a chocolate
banana. Probably not, though.
I stood in the line for the Hall of Presidents. Other guests checked my
Whuffie, then averted their eyes. Even the children. A year before,
they'd have been striking up conversations, asking me about my job here
at the Magic Kingdom.
I sat in my seat at the Hall of Presidents, watching the short film with
the rest, sitting patiently while they rocked in their seats under the
blast of the flash-bake. A castmember picked up the stageside mic and
thanked everyone for coming; the doors swung open and the Hall was
empty, except for me. The castmember narrowed her eyes at me, then
recognizing me, turned her back and went to show in the next group.
No group came. Instead, Dan and the girl I'd seen on the replay entered.
"We've closed it down for the morning," he said.
I was staring at the girl, seeing her smirk as she pulled the trigger on
me, seeing her now with a contrite, scared expression. She was terrified
of me.
"You must be Jeanine," I said. I stood and shook her hand. "I'm Julius."
Her hand was cold, and she took it back and wiped it on her pants.
My castmember instincts took over. "Please, have a seat. Don't worry,
it'll all be fine. Really. No hard feelings." I stopped short of
offering to get her a glass of water.
_Put her at her ease_, said a snotty voice in my head. _She'll make a
better witness. Or make her nervous, pathetic -- that'll work, too; make
Debra look even worse_.