Rita stood up abruptly. "You do whatever you want," she said, and
stormed out of the room.
"Why are you coming here for help?" Tom said, ever the voice of reason.
"You seem capable enough."
"I'm going to be taking a lethal injection at the end of the week," Dan
said. "Three days. That's personal, but you asked."
Tom shook his head. _Some friends you've got yourself_, I could see him
thinking it.
"That soon?" Lil asked, a throb in her voice.
Dan nodded.
In a dreamlike buzz, I stood and wandered out into the utilidor, out
through the western castmember parking, and away.
I wandered along the cobbled, disused Walk Around the World, each
flagstone engraved with the name of a family that had visited the Park a
century before. The names whipped past me like epitaphs.
The sun came up noon high as I rounded the bend of deserted beach
between the Grand Floridian and the Polynesian. Lil and I had come here
often, to watch the sunset from a hammock, arms around each other, the
Park spread out before us like a lighted toy village.
Now the beach was deserted, the Wedding Pavilion silent. I felt suddenly
cold though I was sweating freely. So cold.
Dreamlike, I walked into the lake, water filling my shoes, logging my
pants, warm as blood, warm on my chest, on my chin, on my mouth, on my
eyes.
I opened my mouth and inhaled deeply, water filling my lungs, choking
and warm. At first I sputtered, but I was in control now, and I inhaled
again. The water shimmered over my eyes, and then was dark.
#
I woke on Doctor Pete's cot in the Magic Kingdom, restraints around my
wrists and ankles, a tube in my nose. I closed my eyes, for a moment
believing that I'd been restored from a backup, problems solved,
memories behind me.
Sorrow knifed through me as I realized that Dan was probably dead by
now, my memories of him gone forever.
Gradually, I realized that I was thinking nonsensically. The fact that I
remembered Dan meant that I hadn't been refreshed from my backup, that
my broken brain was still there, churning along in unmediated isolation.
I coughed again. My ribs ached and throbbed in counterpoint to my head.
Dan took my hand.
"You're a pain in the ass, you know that?" he said, smiling.
"Sorry," I choked.
"You sure are," he said. "Lucky for you they found you -- another minute
or two and I'd be burying you right now."
_No_, I thought, confused. _They'd have restored me from backup_. Then
it hit me: I'd gone on record refusing restore from backup after having
it recommended by a medical professional. No one would have restored me
after that. I would have been truly and finally dead. I started to
shiver.
"Easy," Dan said. "Easy. It's all right now. Doctor says you've got a
cracked rib or two from the CPR, but there's no brain damage."
"No _additional_ brain damage," Doctor Pete said, swimming into view. He
had on his professionally calm bedside face, and it reassured me despite
myself.
He shooed Dan away and took his seat. Once Dan had left the room, he
shone lights in my eyes and peeked in my ears, then sat back and
considered me. "Well, Julius," he said. "What exactly is the problem? We
can get you a lethal injection if that's what you want, but offing
yourself in the Seven Seas Lagoon just isn't good show. In the meantime,
would you like to talk about it?"
Part of me wanted to spit in his eye. I'd tried to talk about it and
he'd told me to go to hell, and now he changes his mind? But I did want
to talk.
"I didn't want to die," I said.
"Oh no?" he said. "I think the evidence suggests the contrary."
"I wasn't trying to die," I protested. "I was trying to --" What? I was
trying to. . ._abdicate_. Take the refresh without choosing it, without
shutting out the last year of my best friend's life. Rescue myself from
the stinking pit I'd sunk into without flushing Dan away along with it.
That's all, that's all.
"I wasn't thinking -- I was just acting. It was an episode or something.
Does that mean I'm nuts?"
"Oh, probably," Doctor Pete said, offhandedly. "But let's worry about
one thing at a time. You can die if you want to, that's your right. I'd
rather you lived, if you want my opinion, and I doubt that I'm the only
one, Whuffie be damned. If you're going to live, I'd like to record you
saying so, just in case. We have a backup of you on file -- I'd hate to
have to delete it."
"Yes," I said. "Yes, I'd like to be restored if there's no other
option." It was true. I didn't want to die.
"All right then," Doctor Pete said. "It's on file and I'm a happy man.
Now, are you nuts? Probably. A little. Nothing a little counseling and
some R&R wouldn't fix, if you want my opinion. I could find you
somewhere if you want."
"Not yet," I said. "I appreciate the offer, but there's something else I
have to do first."
#
Dan took me back to the room and put me to bed with a transdermal
soporific that knocked me out for the rest of the day. When I woke, the
moon was over the Seven Seas Lagoon and the monorail was silent.
I stood on the patio for a while, thinking about all the things this
place had meant to me for more than a century: happiness, security,
efficiency, fantasy. All of it gone. It was time I left. Maybe back to
space, find Zed and see if I could make her happy again. Anywhere but
here. Once Dan was dead -- God, it was sinking in finally -- I could
catch a ride down to the Cape for a launch.
"What's on your mind?" Dan asked from behind me, startling me. He was in
his boxers, thin and rangy and hairy.
"Thinking about moving on," I said.
He chuckled. "I've been thinking about doing the same," he said.
I smiled. "Not that way," I said. "Just going somewhere else, starting
over. Getting away from this."
"Going to take the refresh?" he asked.