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No. 173. Tuesday, September 18, 1711. Addison.
'... Remove fera monstra, tuægue
Saxificos vultus, quæcunque ea, tolle Medusæ.'
Ovid. Met.
In a late Paper I mention'd the Project of an Ingenious Author for the
erecting of several Handicraft Prizes to be contended for by our
_British_ Artizans, and the Influence they might have towards the
Improvement of our several Manufactures. I have since that been very
much surprized by the following Advertisement which I find in the
'Post-Boy' of the 11th Instant, and again repeated in the 'Post-Boy' of
the 15th.
On the 9th of October next will be run for upon Coleshill-Heath in
Warwickshire, a Plate of 6 Guineas Value, 3 Heats, by any Horse, Mare or
Gelding that hath not won above the Value of £5, the winning Horse to be
sold for £10, to carry 10 Stone Weight, if 14 Hands high; if above or
under to carry or be allowed Weight for Inches, and to be entered Friday
the 5th at the Swan in Coleshill, before Six in the Evening. Also a
Plate of less Value to be run for by Asses. The same Day a Gold Ring to
be Grinn'd for by Men.
The first of these Diversions, that is to be exhibited by the £10
Race-Horses, may probably have its Use; but the two last, in which the
Asses and Men are concerned, seem to me altogether extraordinary and
unaccountable. Why they should keep Running Asses at _Coleshill_, or how
making Mouths turns to account in _Warwickshire_, more than in any other
Parts of _England_, I cannot comprehend. I have looked over all the
Olympic Games, and do not find any thing in them like an Ass-Race, or a
Match at Grinning. However it be, I am informed that several Asses are
now kept in Body-Cloaths, and sweated every Morning upon the Heath, and
that all the Country-Fellows within ten Miles of the _Swan_, grinn an
Hour or two in their Glasses every Morning, in order to qualify
themselves for the 9th of _October_. The Prize, which is proposed to be
Grinn'd for, has raised such an Ambition among the Common People of
Out-grinning one another, that many very discerning Persons are afraid
it should spoil most of the Faces in the Country; and that a
_Warwickshire_ Man will be known by his Grinn, as Roman-Catholicks
imagine a _Kentish_ Man is by his Tail. The Gold Ring which is made the
Prize of Deformity, is just the Reverse of the Golden Apple that was
formerly made the Prize of Beauty, and should carry for its Posy the old
Motto inverted.
'Detur tetriori'.
Or to accommodate it to the Capacity of the Combatants,
_The frightfull'st Grinner
Be the Winner_.
In the mean while I would advise a _Dutch_ Painter to be present at this
great Controversy of Faces, in order to make a Collection of the most
remarkable Grinns that shall be there exhibited.
I must not here omit an Account which I lately received of one of these
Grinning Matches from a Gentleman, who, upon reading the above-mentioned
Advertisement, entertained a Coffee-house with the following Narrative.
Upon the taking of _Namur_ [1], amidst other publick Rejoicings made on
that Occasion, there was a Gold Ring given by a Whig Justice of Peace to
be grinn'd for. The first Competitor that entered the Lists, was a black
swarthy _French Man_, who accidentally passed that way, and being a Man
naturally of a wither'd Look, and hard Features, promised himself good
Success. He was placed upon a Table in the great Point of View, and
looking upon the Company like _Milton's_ Death,
_Grinn'd horribly [2]
a Ghastly Smile ..._
His Muscles were so drawn together on each side of his Face, that he
shew'd twenty Teeth at a Grinn, and put the County in some pain, lest a
Foreigner should carry away the Honour of the Day; but upon a farther
Tryal they found he was Master only of the merry Grinn.
The next that mounted the Table was a Malecontent in those Days, and a
great Master in the whole Art of Grinning, but particularly excelled in
the angry Grinn. He did his Part so well, that he is said to have made
half a dozen Women miscarry; but the Justice being apprised by one who
stood near him, that the Fellow who Grinned in his Face was a
_Jacobite_, and being unwilling that a Disaffected Person should win the
Gold Ring, and be looked upon as the best Grinner in the Country, he
ordered the Oaths to be tendered unto him upon his quitting the Table,
which the Grinner refusing, he was set aside as an unqualified Person.
There were several other Grotesque Figures that presented themselves,
which it would be too tedious to describe. I must not however omit a
Ploughman, who lived in the farther Part of the Country, and being very
lucky in a Pair of long Lanthorn-Jaws, wrung his face into such a
hideous Grimace that every Feature of it appeared under a different
Distortion. The whole Company stood astonished at such a complicated
Grinn, and were ready to assign the Prize to him, had it not been proved
by one of his Antagonists, that he had practised with Verjuice for some
Days before, and had a Crab found upon him at the very time of Grinning;
upon which the best Judges of Grinning declared it as their Opinion,
that he was not to be looked upon as a fair Grinner, and therefore
ordered him to be set aside as a Cheat.
The Prize, it seems, fell at length upon a Cobler, _Giles Gorgon_ by
Name, who produced several new Grinns of his own Invention, having been
used to cut Faces for many Years together over his Last. At the very
first Grinn he cast every Human Feature out of his Countenance; at the
second he became the Face of a Spout; at the third a Baboon, at the
fourth the Head of a Base-Viol, and at the fifth a Pair of Nut-Crackers.
The whole Assembly wondered at his Accomplishments, and bestowed the
Ring on him unanimously; but, what he esteemed more than all the rest, a
Country Wench, whom he had wooed in vain for above five Years before,
was so charmed with his Grinns, and the Applauses which he received on
all Sides, that she Married him the Week following, and to this Day
wears the Prize upon her Finger, the Cobler having made use of it as his
Wedding-Ring.
This Paper might perhaps seem very impertinent, if it grew serious in
the Conclusion. I would nevertheless leave it to the Consideration of
those who are the Patrons of this monstrous Tryal of Skill, whether or
no they are not guilty, in some measure, of an Affront to their Species,
in treating after this manner the _Human Face Divine_, and turning that
Part of us, which has so great an Image impressed upon it, into the
Image of a Monkey; whether the raising such silly Competitions among the
Ignorant, proposing Prizes for such useless Accomplishments, filling the
common People's Heads with such Senseless Ambitions, and inspiring them
with such absurd Ideas of Superiority and Preheminence, has not in it
something Immoral as well as Ridiculous. [3]