* * * * *
No. 80. Friday, June 1, 1711. Steele.
'Coelum non animum mutant qui trans mare currunt.'
Hor.
In the Year 1688, and on the same Day of that Year, were born in
_Cheapside, London_, two Females of exquisite Feature and Shape; the one
we shall call _Brunetta_, the other _Phillis_. A close Intimacy between
their Parents made each of them the first Acquaintance the other knew in
the World: They played, dressed Babies, acted Visitings, learned to
Dance and make Curtesies, together. They were inseparable Companions in
all the little Entertainments their tender Years were capable of: Which
innocent Happiness continued till the Beginning of their fifteenth Year,
when it happened that Mrs. _Phillis_ had an Head-dress on which became
her so very well, that instead of being beheld any more with Pleasure
for their Amity to each other, the Eyes of the Neighbourhood were turned
to remark them with Comparison of their Beauty. They now no longer
enjoyed the Ease of Mind and pleasing Indolence in which they were
formerly happy, but all their Words and Actions were misinterpreted by
each other, and every Excellence in their Speech and Behaviour was
looked upon as an Act of Emulation to surpass the other. These
Beginnings of Disinclination soon improved into a Formality of
Behaviour; a general Coldness, and by natural Steps into an
irreconcilable Hatred.
These two Rivals for the Reputation of Beauty, were in their Stature,
Countenance and Mien so very much alike, that if you were speaking of
them in their Absence, the Words in which you described the one must
give you an Idea of the other. They were hardly distinguishable, you
would think, when they were apart, tho' extremely different when
together. What made their Enmity the more entertaining to all the rest
of their Sex was, that in Detraction from each other neither could fall
upon Terms which did not hit herself as much as her Adversary. Their
Nights grew restless with Meditation of new Dresses to outvie each
other, and inventing new Devices to recal Admirers, who observed the
Charms of the one rather than those of the other on the last Meeting.
Their Colours failed at each other's Appearance, flushed with Pleasure
at the Report of a Disadvantage, and their Countenances withered upon
Instances of Applause. The Decencies to which Women are obliged, made
these Virgins stifle their Resentment so far as not to break into open
Violences, while they equally suffered the Torments of a regulated
Anger. Their Mothers, as it is usual, engaged in the Quarrel, and
supported the several Pretensions of the Daughters with all that
ill-chosen Sort of Expence which is common with People of plentiful
Fortunes and mean Taste. The Girls preceded their Parents like Queens of
_May_, in all the gaudy Colours imaginable, on every _Sunday_ to Church,
and were exposed to the Examination of the Audience for Superiority of
Beauty.
During this constant Straggle it happened, that _Phillis_ one Day at
publick Prayers smote the Heart of a gay _West-Indian_, who appear'd in
all the Colours which can affect an Eye that could not distinguish
between being fine and tawdry. This _American_ in a Summer-Island Suit
was too shining and too gay to be resisted by _Phillis_, and too intent
upon her Charms to be diverted by any of the laboured Attractions of
_Brunetta_. Soon after, _Brunetta_ had the Mortification to see her
Rival disposed of in a wealthy Marriage, while she was only addressed to
in a Manner that shewed she was the Admiration of all Men, but the
Choice of none. _Phillis_ was carried to the Habitation of her Spouse in
_Barbadoes_: _Brunetta_ had the Ill-nature to inquire for her by every
Opportunity, and had the Misfortune to hear of her being attended by
numerous Slaves, fanned into Slumbers by successive Hands of them, and
carried from Place to Place in all the Pomp of barbarous Magnificence.
_Brunetta_ could not endure these repeated Advices, but employed all her
Arts and Charms in laying Baits for any of Condition of the same Island,
out of a mere Ambition to confront her once more before she died. She at
last succeeded in her Design, and was taken to Wife by a Gentleman whose
Estate was contiguous to that of her Enemy's Husband. It would be
endless to enumerate the many Occasions on which these irreconcileable
Beauties laboured to excel each other; but in process of Time it
happened that a Ship put into the Island consigned to a Friend of
_Phillis_, who had Directions to give her the Refusal of all Goods for
Apparel, before _Brunetta_ could be alarmed of their Arrival. He did so,
and _Phillis_ was dressed in a few Days in a Brocade more gorgeous and
costly than had ever before appeared in that Latitude. _Brunetta_
languished at the Sight, and could by no means come up to the Bravery of
her Antagonist. She communicated her Anguish of Mind to a faithful
Friend, who by an Interest in the Wife of _Phillis's_ Merchant, procured
a Remnant of the same Silk for _Brunetta_. _Phillis_ took pains to
appear in all public Places where she was sure to meet _Brunetta_;
_Brunetta_ was now prepared for the Insult, and came to a public Ball in
a plain black Silk Mantua, attended by a beautiful Negro Girl in a
Petticoat of the same Brocade with which _Phillis_ was attired. This
drew the Attention of the whole Company, upon which the unhappy
_Phillis_ swooned away, and was immediately convey'd to her House. As
soon as she came to herself she fled from her Husband's House, went on
board a Ship in the Road, and is now landed in inconsolable Despair at
_Plymouth_.
_POSTSCRIPT_.
After the above melancholy Narration, it may perhaps be a Relief to the
Reader to peruse the following Expostulation.
_To Mr._ SPECTATOR.
_The just Remonstrance of affronted THAT._
'Tho' I deny not the Petition of Mr. _Who_ and _Which_, yet You should
not suffer them to be rude and call honest People Names: For that
bears very hard on some of those Rules of Decency, which You are
justly famous for establishing. They may find fault, and correct
Speeches in the Senate and at the Bar: But let them try to get
_themselves_ so _often_ and with so much _Eloquence_ repeated in a
Sentence, as a great Orator doth frequently introduce me.
My Lords! (says he) with humble Submission, _That_ that I say is
this; that, _That_ that that Gentleman has advanced, is not _That_,
that he should have proved to your Lordships. Let those two
questionary Petitioners try to do thus with their _Who's_ and their
_Whiches_.
'What great advantage was I of to Mr. _Dryden_ in his _Indian
Emperor_,
_You force me still to answer You in_ That,
to furnish out a Rhyme to _Morat_? And what a poor Figure would Mr.
_Bayes_ have made without his _Egad and all That_? How can a judicious
Man distinguish one thing from another, without saying _This here_, or
_That there_? And how can a sober Man without using the _Expletives_
of Oaths (in which indeed the Rakes and Bullies have a great advantage
over others) make a Discourse of any tolerable Length, without _That
is_; and if he be a very grave Man indeed, without _That is to say_?
And how instructive as well as entertaining are those usual
Expressions in the Mouths of great Men, _Such Things as That_ and _The
like of That_.
I am not against reforming the Corruptions of Speech You mention, and
own there are proper Seasons for the Introduction of other Words
besides _That_; but I scorn as much to supply the Place of a _Who_ or
a _Which_ at every Turn, as they are _unequal_ always to fill mine;
And I expect good Language and civil Treatment, and hope to receive it
for the future: _That_, that I shall only add is, that I am,
_Yours_,