'I Send you the inclosed, to be inserted (if you think them worthy of
it) in your SPECTATORS; in which so surprizing a Genius appears, that
it is no Wonder if all Mankind endeavours to get somewhat into a Paper
which will always live.
As to the _Cambridge_ Affair, the Humour was really carried on in the
Way I described it. However, you have a full Commission to put out or
in, and to do whatever you think fit with it. I have already had the
Satisfaction of seeing you take that Liberty with some things I have
before sent you. [1]
'Go on, Sir, and prosper. You have the best Wishes of
_SIR, Your very Affectionate,
and Obliged Humble Servant._'
_Cambridge_.
_Mr, SPECTATOR_,
'You well know it is of great Consequence to clear Titles, and it is
of Importance that it be done in the proper Season; On which Account
this is to assure you, that the CLUB OF UGLY FACES was instituted
originally at _CAMBRIDGE_ in the merry Reign of King _Charles_ II. As
in great Bodies of Men it is not difficult to find Members enough for
such a Club, so (I remember) it was then feared, upon their Intention
of dining together, that the Hall belonging to _CLAREHALL_, (the
ugliest _then_ in the Town, tho' _now_ the neatest) would not be large
enough HANDSOMELY to hold the Company. Invitations were made to great
Numbers, but very few accepted them without much Difficulty. ONE
pleaded that being at _London_ in a Bookseller's Shop, a Lady going by
with a great Belly longed to kiss him. HE had certainly been excused,
but that Evidence appeared, That indeed one in _London_ did pretend
she longed to kiss him, but that it was only a _Pickpocket_, who
during his kissing her stole away all his Money. ANOTHER would have
got off by a Dimple in his Chin; but it was proved upon _him_, that he
had, by coming into a Room, made a Woman miscarry, and frightened two
Children into Fits. A THIRD alledged, That he was taken by a Lady for
another Gentleman, who was one of the handsomest in the University;
But upon Enquiry it was found that the Lady had actually lost one Eye,
and the other was very much upon the Decline. A FOURTH produced
Letters out of the Country in his Vindication, in which a Gentleman
offered him his Daughter, who had lately fallen in Love with him, with
a good Fortune: But it was made appear that the young Lady was
amorous, and had like to have run away with her Father's Coachman, so
that it was supposed, that her Pretence of falling in Love with him
was only in order to be well married. It was pleasant to hear the
several Excuses which were made, insomuch that some made as much
Interest to be excused as they would from serving Sheriff; however at
last the Society was formed, and proper Officers were appointed; and
the Day was fix'd for the Entertainment, which was in _Venison
Season_. A pleasant _Fellow of King's College_ (commonly called CRAB
from his sour Look, and the only Man who did not pretend to get off)
was nominated for Chaplain; and nothing was wanting but some one to
sit in the Elbow-Chair, by way of PRESIDENT, at the upper end of the
Table; and there the Business stuck, for there was no Contention for
Superiority _there_. This Affair made so great a Noise, that the King,
who was then at _Newmarket_, heard of it, and was pleased merrily and
graciously to say, HE COULD NOT BE THERE HIMSELF, BUT HE WOULD SEND
THEM A BRACE OF BUCKS.
I would desire you, Sir, to set this Affair in a true Light, that
Posterity may not be misled in so important a Point: For when _the
wise Man who shall write your true History_ shall acquaint the World,
That you had a DIPLOMA sent from the _Ugly Club at OXFORD_, and that
by vertue of it you were admitted into it, what a learned Work will
there be among _future Criticks_ about the Original of that Club,
which both Universities will contend so warmly for? And perhaps some
hardy _Cantabrigian_ Author may then boldly affirm, that the Word
_OXFORD_ was an interpolation of some _Oxonian_ instead of
_CAMBRIDGE_. This Affair will be best adjusted in your Life-time; but
I hope your Affection to your MOTHER will not make you partial to your
AUNT.
To tell you, Sir, my own Opinion: Tho' I cannot find any ancient
Records of any Acts of the SOCIETY OF THE UGLY FACES, considered in a
_publick_ Capacity; yet in a _private_ one they have certainly
Antiquity on their Side. I am perswaded they will hardly give Place to
the LOWNGERS, and the LOWNGERS are of the same Standing with the
University itself.
Tho' we well know, Sir, you want no Motives to do Justice, yet I am
commission'd to tell you, that you are invited to be admitted _ad
eundem_ at _CAMBRIDGE_; and I believe I may venture safely to deliver
this as the Wish of our Whole University.'
_To Mr_. SPECTATOR.
_The humble Petition of WHO and WHICH_.
Sheweth,
'THAT your Petitioners being in a forlorn and destitute Condition,
know not to whom we should apply ourselves for Relief, because there
is hardly any Man alive who hath not injured us. Nay, we speak it with
Sorrow, even You your self, whom we should suspect of such a Practice
the last of all Mankind, can hardly acquit your self of having given
us some Cause of Complaint. We are descended of ancient Families, and
kept up our Dignity and Honour many Years, till the Jack-sprat THAT
supplanted us. How often have we found ourselves slighted by the
Clergy in their Pulpits, and the Lawyers at the Bar? Nay, how often
have we heard in one of the most polite and august Assemblies in the
Universe, to our great Mortification, these Words, _That THAT that
noble Lord urged_; which if one of us had had Justice done, would have
sounded nobler thus, _That WHICH that noble Lord urged_. Senates
themselves, the Guardians of _British_ Liberty, have degraded us, and
preferred THAT to us; and yet no Decree was ever given against us. In
the very Acts of Parliament, in which the utmost Right should be done
to every _Body_, _WORD_ and _Thing_, we find our selves often either
not used, or used one instead of another. In the first and best Prayer
Children are taught, they learn to misuse us: _Our_ _Father WHICH art
in Heaven_, should be, _Our Father WHO_ _art in Heaven_; and even a
CONVOCATION after long Debates, refused to consent to an Alteration of
it. In our _general Confession_ we say,--_Spare thou them, O God,
WHICH confess their Faults_, which ought to be, _WHO confess their
Faults_. What Hopes then have we of having Justice done so, when the
Makers of our very Prayers and Laws, and the most learned in all
Faculties, seem to be in a Confederacy against us, and our Enemies
themselves must be our Judges.'
The _Spanish_ Proverb says, _Il sabio muda consejo, il necio no_; i.
e. _A wise Man changes his Mind, a Fool never will_. So that we think
You, Sir, a very proper Person to address to, since we know you to be
capable of being convinced, and changing your Judgment. You are well
able to settle this Affair, and to you we submit our Cause. We desire
you to assign the Butts and Bounds of each of us; and that for the
future we may both enjoy our own. We would desire to be heard by our
Counsel, but that we fear in their very Pleadings they would betray
our Cause: Besides, we have been oppressed so many Years, that we can
appear no other way, but _in forma pauperis_. All which considered, we
hope you will be pleased to do that which to Right and Justice shall
appertain.
_And your Petitioners, &c_.