I am, Gentlemen,
Your most obliged
Humble Servant,
The SPECTATOR.
April 7.
Mr. SPECTATOR,
To shew you there are among us of the vain weak Sex, some that have
Honesty and Fortitude enough to dare to be ugly, and willing to be
thought so; I apply my self to you, to beg your Interest and
Recommendation to the Ugly Club. If my own Word will not be taken,
(tho' in this Case a Woman's may) I can bring credible Witness of my
Qualifications for their Company, whether they insist upon Hair,
Forehead, Eyes, Cheeks, or Chin; to which I must add, that I find it
easier to lean to my left Side than my right. I hope I am in all
respects agreeable: And for Humour and Mirth, I'll keep up to the
President himself. All the Favour I'll pretend to is, that as I am the
first Woman has appeared desirous of good Company and agreeable
Conversation, I may take and keep the upper End of the Table. And
indeed I think they want a Carver, which I can be after as ugly a
Manner as they can wish. I desire your Thoughts of my Claim as soon as
you can. Add to my Features the Length of my Face, which is full half
Yard; tho' I never knew the Reason of it till you gave one for the
Shortness of yours. If I knew a Name ugly enough to belong to the
above-described Face, I would feign one; but, to my unspeakable
Misfortune, my Name is the only disagreeable Prettiness about me; so
prithee make one for me that signifies all the Deformity in the World:
You understand Latin, but be sure bring it in with my being in the
Sincerity of my Heart,
_Your most frightful Admirer,
and Servant_,
Hecatissa.
Mr. SPECTATOR,
I Read your Discourse upon Affectation, and from the Remarks made in
it examined my own Heart so strictly, that I thought I had found out
its most secret Avenues, with a Resolution to be aware of you for the
future. But alas! to my Sorrow I now understand, that I have several
Follies which I do not know the Root of. I am an old Fellow, and
extremely troubled with the Gout; but having always a strong Vanity
towards being pleasing in the Eyes of Women, I never have a Moment's
Ease, but I am mounted in high-heel'd Shoes with a glased Wax-leather
Instep. Two Days after a severe Fit I was invited to a Friend's House
in the City, where I believed I should see Ladies; and with my usual
Complaisance crippled my self to wait upon them: A very sumptuous
Table, agreeable Company, and kind Reception, were but so many
importunate Additions to the Torment I was in. A Gentleman of the
Family observed my Condition; and soon after the Queen's Health, he,
in the Presence of the whole Company, with his own Hand degraded me
into an old Pair of his own Shoes. This operation, before fine Ladies,
to me (who am by Nature a Coxcomb) was suffered with the same
Reluctance as they admit the Help of Men in their greatest Extremity.
The Return of Ease made me forgive the rough Obligation laid upon me,
which at that time relieved my Body from a Distemper, and will my Mind
for ever from a Folly. For the Charity received I return my Thanks
this Way.
_Your most humble Servant.
Epping, April 18._
_SIR_,
We have your Papers here the Morning they come out, and we have been
very well entertained with your last, upon the false Ornaments of
Persons who represent Heroes in a Tragedy. What made your Speculation
come very seasonably amongst us is, that we have now at this Place a
Company of Strolers, who are very far from offending in the
impertinent Splendor of the Drama. They are so far from falling into
these false Gallantries, that the Stage is here in its Original
Situation of a Cart. _Alexander_ the Great was acted by a Fellow in a
Paper Cravat. The next Day, the Earl of Essex [1] seemed to have no
Distress but his Poverty: And my Lord Foppington [2] the same Morning
wanted any better means to shew himself a Fop, than by wearing
Stockings of different Colours. In a Word, tho' they have had a full
Barn for many Days together, our Itinerants are still so wretchedly
poor, that without you can prevail to send us the Furniture you forbid
at the Play-house, the Heroes appear only like sturdy Beggars, and the
Heroines Gipsies. We have had but one Part which was performed and
dressed with Propriety, and that was Justice Clodpate: [3] This was so
well done that it offended Mr. Justice Overdo; [4] who, in the midst
of our whole Audience, was (like Quixote in the Puppet-Show) so
highly provok'd, that he told them, If they would move compassion, it
should be in their own Persons, and not in the Characters of
distressed Princes and Potentates: He told them, If they were so good
at finding the way to People's Hearts, they should do it at the End of
Bridges or Church-Porches, in their proper Vocation of Beggars. This,
the Justice says, they must expect, since they could not be contented
to act Heathen Warriors, and such Fellows as _Alexander_, but must
presume to make a Mockery of one of the _Quorum_.
Your Servant.