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[Illustration: The Zankiwank & The Bletherwitch]
The Zankiwank
and
The Bletherwitch
An Original Fantastic Fairy Extravaganza
"_Imagination is always the ruling and divine power,
and the rest of the man is only the instrument which
it sounds, or the tablet on which it writes._"
JOHN RUSKIN.
[Illustration]
THE ZANKIWANK & THE BLETHERWITCH
BY S.J. ADAIR FITZGERALD
WITH PICTURES BY ARTHUR RACKHAM
[Illustration]
LONDON J.M. DENT & Co.
ALDINE HOUSE E.C. 1896
_All Rights Reserved_
To
MY BLANCHE
I AFFECTIONATELY INSCRIBE
THIS LITTLE BOOK
CONTENTS
PART I
A TRIP TO FABLE LAND 1
PART II
THE FAIRIES' FEATHER AND FLOWER LAND 33
PART III
A VISIT TO SHADOW LAND 91
PART IV
THE LAND OF TOPSY TURVEY 119
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
PAGE
EVERYBODY MADE A RUSH FOR THE TRAIN _Frontispiece_
THE ZANKIWANK AND THE BLETHERWITCH _Title Page_
THE JACKARANDAJAM 5
MR SWINGLEBINKS 7
THEY WERE RUN INTO BY A DEMON ON A BICYCLE 17
BIRDS, BEASTS AND FISHES WERE HURRYING BY IN CONFUSING MASSES 19
THE FROGS ... PLAYING "KISS IN THE RING" 24
THEY WERE GLUED TO THE EARTH 27
THE ELFIN ORCHESTRA 37
I HAVE DISPATCHED THE JACKARANDAJAM AND MR SWINGLEBINKS IN A
FOUR-WHEELED CAB 41
A COMPANY OF FAIRIES ... LEAPT FROM THE PETALS OF THE FLOWERS 45
THE SLY JACKDAWS AND THE RAVENS ... EVIDENTLY PLOTTING MISCHIEF 51
ONE OF THE PRETTIEST DANCES YOU EVER SAW 55
TITANIA ARRIVED ... WITH A FULL TRAIN OF FAIRIES AND ELVES 61
WILLIE PINCHED HIS EXCEEDINGLY THIN LEGS, MAKING HIM JUMP
AS HIGH AS AN APRIL RAINBOW 64
PEASEBLOSSOM AND MUSTARD SEED 71
QUEEN TITANIA AND HER COURT OF FAIRIES WERE EATING PUDDINGS
AND PIES 75
THE TWO CHILDREN TUMBLED OFF NOTHING INTO A VACANT SPACE 79
"KEEP THE POT A-BOILING," BAWLED THE ZANKIWANK 83
SO INTO SHADOWLAND THEY TUMBLED 87
A WHOLE SCHOOL OF CHILDREN FOLLOWING MADLY IN THEIR WAKE 95
THE GOBLINS STARTED OFF ON HORSEBACK 101
"THE UNFORTUNATE DOLL" 103
THE WINNY WEG WAS DANCING IN A CORNER ALL BY HERSELF 106
MAUDE AND WILLIE WERE RECLINING PEACEFULLY ON A GOLDEN COUCH
WITH SILVER CUSHIONS 107
A GAME OF LEAP-FROG 108
A GREAT RED CAVERN OPENED AND SWALLOWED UP EVERYTHING 117
"NOW THEN, MOVE ON!" 123
THE WIMBLE AND THE WAMBLE 126
JORUMGANDER THE YOUNGER ... APPROACHED THEM WITH A CASE OF PENS 133
"WHY, HERE HE IS!" 138
THE ZANKIWANK ARGUING WITH THE CLERK OF THE WEATHER AND THE
WEATHER COCK 145
TIME WAS MEANT FOR SLAVES 151
CHILDREN WITH THE ODDEST HEADS AND FACES EVER SEEN 158, 159
IT WAS A SORT OF SKELETON 163
THE GRIFFIN AND THE PHOENIX 170
THEY SPRANG INTO THE HASH 173
DR PAMPLETON 177
NO ONE INDIVIDUAL GOT HIS OWN PROPER LIMBS FASTENED TO HIM 183
THERE WAS JOHN OPENING THE CARRIAGE DOOR FOR THEM TO GET OUT 187
Part I
A Trip to Fable Land
_By the Queen-Moon's mystic light,
By the hush of holy night,
By the woodland deep and green,
By the starlight's silver sheen,
By the zephyr's whispered spell,
Brooding Powers Invisible,
Faerie Court and Elfin Throng,
Unto whom the groves belong,
And by Laws of ancient date,
Found in Scrolls of Faerie Fate,
Stream and fount are dedicate.
Whereso'er your feet to-day
Far from haunts of men may stray,
We adjure you stay no more
Exiles on an alien shore,
But with spells of magic birth
Once again make glad the earth._
PHILIP DAYRE.
A Trip to Fable Land
"Well," said the Zankiwank as he swallowed another jam tart, "I think we
had better start on our travels at once."
They were all standing under the clock at Charing Cross Station when the
station was closed and everybody else had departed, except the train
which the Zankiwank had himself chartered. It was all so odd and
strange, and the gathering was so very motley, that if it had been
to-morrow morning instead of last night, Willie and Maude would
certainly have said they had both been dreaming. But, of course, they
were not dreaming because they were wide-awake and dressed. Besides,
they remembered Charing Cross Station quite well, having started
therefrom with their father and mother only last summer when they went
to the sea-side for their holidays--and what jolly times they had on the
sands! So Maude said promptly, "It is not Night-mare or Dreams or
Anything. We don't know what it is, but we must not go to sleep, Willie,
in case anything should happen."
Willie replied that he did not want to go to sleep any more. "I believe
it's a show," he added, "and somebody's run away with us. How lovely!
I'm glad we are lost. Let us go and ask that tall gentleman, who looks
like the parlour-tongs in a bathing-suit, to give us some more buns."
For, being a boy, he could always eat buns, or an abundance of them,
only I hope you won't tell the nursery governess I told you.
[Illustration]
It was the Zankiwank, who was doing some conjuring tricks for the
benefit of the Jackarandajam and Mr Swinglebinks, to whom Willie
referred. The Zankiwank was certainly a very curious person to look at.
He had very long legs, very long arms, and a very small body, a long
neck and a head like a peacock. He was not wearing a bathing suit as
Willie imagined, because there were tails to his jacket, hanging down
almost to his heels. He wore a sash round his waist, and his clothes
were all speckled as though he had been peppered with the colours out of
a very large kaleidoscope. The Jackarandajam was also rather tall and
thin, but dressed in the very height of fashion, with a flower in his
coat and a cigarette in his mouth, which he never smoked because he
never lit it. He was believed by all the others--you shall know who all
the others were presently--to know more things than the Man-in-the-Moon,
because he nearly always said something that nobody else ever thought
of. And the Man-in-the-Moon knows more things than the Old Woman of
Mars. You have naturally heard all about Mars--at least, if you have not
heard all about her, you all have heard about her, which is just the
same thing, only reversed.
There was an Old Woman of Mars
Who'd constantly say "Bless my stars,
There's the Sun and the Moon
And the Earth in a swoon,
All dying for par-tic-u-lars-u-lars!
Of this planet of mine called Mars!"
Mr Swinglebinks, unlike his two companions, was short, stout, and
dreadfully important. In Fable Land, where we are going as soon as we
start for that happy place, he kept a grocer's shop once upon a time. As
nobody cared a fig for his sugar and currants, however, he retired from
business and took to dates and the making of new almanacks, and was now
travelling about for the benefit of his figures. He was very strong on
arithmetic, and could read, write, and arith-metise before he went to
school, so he never went at all.
[Illustration]
While the Zankiwank was talking to his friends an unseen porter rang an
unseen bell, and called out in an unknown tongue:--
"Take your seats for Fableland,
Which stands upon a Tableland,
And don't distress the guard.
And when you pass the Cableland
Say nothing to the Gableland
Because it hurts the guard."
"We must put that porter back in the bottle," said the Jackarandajam,
"we shall want some bottled porter to drink on the road."
"Well," said Maude, "what a ridiculous thing to say. We don't bottle
railway porters, I am sure."
"I wish the Bletherwitch would come," exclaimed the Zankiwank, "we shall
miss the next train. She is most provoking. She promised to be here
three weeks ago, and we have been waiting ever since."
This astounding statement quite disturbed Willie, who almost swallowed a
bun in his excitement. Had he and Maude been waiting there three weeks
as well? What would they think at home? You see Maude and Willie, who
were brother and sister, had been on a visit to their grandmama; and on
their way home they had fallen asleep in the carriage, after having
repeated to each other all the wonderful fairy tales their grandmama
had related to them. How long they had slept they could not guess, but
when they woke up, instead of finding themselves at home in St George's
Square, they discovered that they were at Charing Cross Station. Mary,
their nurse, had disappeared, so had John the coachman, and it was the
Zankiwank who had opened the door and assisted them to alight, saying at
the same time most politely--
"I assist you to alight, because it is so dark."
Then he gave them buns and chocolates, icecreams, apples, pears, shrimps
and cranberry tarts. So it stands to reason that after such a mixture
they were rather perplexed. However, they did not seem very much
distressed, and as they were both fond of adventures, especially in
books, they were quite content to accept the Zankiwank's offer to take
them for a ride in the midnight-express to Fable Land, over which, as
everybody knows, King Æsop reigns. Maudie was nine and a half and Willie
was eight and a quarter. Very nice ages indeed, unless you happen to be
younger or older, and then your own age is nicer still.
"I think," said the Zankiwank, "that we will start without the
Bletherwitch. She knows the way and can take a balloon."
"If she takes a balloon she will lose it. You had better let the balloon
take her," exclaimed the Jackarandajam severely.
"Take your places! Take your places!" cried the unseen porter. So
everybody made a rush for the train, and they all entered a Pullman Car
and sat down on the seats.
"Dear me! How very incorrectly that porter speaks. He means, of course,
that the seats should take, or receive us."
The Zankiwank only smiled, while Mr Swinglebinks commenced counting up
to a hundred, but as he lost one, he could only count up to
ninety-nine--so, to keep his arithmetic going, he subtracted a
time-piece from his neighbour's pocket, multiplied his foot-warmers, and
divided his attention between the Wimble and the Wamble, who were both
of the party, being left-handed and deaf.
Maudie and Willie took their places in the car with all the other
passengers amid a perfect babel of chattering and laughing and crying,
and then, as the train began to slowly move out of the station, the
Zankiwank solemnly sang the following serious song:--
OFF TO FABLE LAND.
The midnight train departs at three,
To Fable Land we go,
For this express is nothing less
Than a steamer, don't you know!
We're sailing now upon the Thames,
All in a penny boat,
And we soon shall change for a mountain range,
In the atmosphere to float!
So off we go to Fable Land--
(Speak kindly to the guard!)
Which many think a Babel-land,
But this you disregard.
You'll find it is a Stable-land,
With stables in the yard--
A possible, probable, Able-land,
So do not vex the guard!
We've left behind us Charing Cross,
And all the town in bed;
For it is plain, though in this train,
We're standing on our head!
We're riding now in Bedfordshire,
Which is the Land of Nod;
And yet in the sky we are flying high,
Which seems extremely odd!
So off we go to Fable Land--
(Speak kindly to the guard!)
Which many think a Babel-land,
But this you disregard.
You'll find it is a Stable-land,
With stables in the yard--
A possible, probable, Able-land,
So do not vex the guard!
Maudie and Willie found themselves joining lustily in the chorus when
the Zankiwank pulled the cord communicating with the guard, and,
opening the window, climbed out on to the top of the carriage calling
all the time:--
"Guard! Guard! Guard!
Don't go so hard,
Just give the brake a hitch!
To Charing Cross return--
Nay, do not look so stern--
For I would not tell a cram,
I must send a telegram,
To my darling little Bletherwitch."
So the guard turned the train round, and they went back to Charing Cross
as quick as lightning.
"It's my fault," moaned the Jackarandajam, "I ought to have reminded
you. Never mind, we will put on another engine."
So the Zankiwank got out and sent a telegram to the Bletherwitch, and
desired her to follow on in a balloon.
Again they started, and everybody settled down until the train reached
the British Channel, when it dived through a tunnel into an uninhabited
country, where the post-office clerk popped his head into the carriage
window and handed in a telegram.
"_From the Bletherwitch,
To the Zankiwank._
Don't wait tea. Gone to the Dentists."
"Extremely thoughtful," exclaimed everybody. But the Zankiwank wept, and
explained to the sympathetic Maude that he was engaged to be married to
the Bletherwitch, and he had been waiting for her for fourteen years.
"Such a charming creature. I will introduce you when she comes. Fancy,
she is only two feet one inch and one third high. Such a suitable height
for a bride."
"What," expostulated Willie and Maude together, "she's no bigger than
our baby! And you are quite----"
"Eight feet and one half of an inch."
"How disproportionate! It seems to me to be a most unequal match,"
answered Maude. "What does her mother say?"
"Oh, she hasn't got any mother, you know. That would not do. She has
been asleep for two thousand years, and has only just woke up to the
fact that I am her destiny."
"She is only joking," declared Maude. "Two thousand years! She _must_ be
joking!"
"No," replied the Zankiwank somewhat sadly, "she is not joking. She
never jokes. She is of Scottish descent," he added reflectively. "I hope
she will keep her appointment. I am afraid she is rather giddy!----"
"Giddy! Well, if she has waited two thousand years before making up her
mind to go to the dentists she must be giddy. I am afraid you are not
speaking the truth."
Before any reply could be given the Guard came to the window and said
they would have to go back to Charing Cross again as he forgot to pay
his rent, and he always paid his rent on Monday.
"But this is _not_ Monday," said Willie. "Yesterday was Monday. To-day
is to-morrow you know, therefore it is Tuesday. Pay your landlady double
next Monday and that will do just as well."
The Guard hesitated.
"Don't vex the Guard," they all said in chorus.
"I am not vexed," said the Guard, touching his hat. "Do you think it
would be right to pay double? You see my landlady is single. She might
not like it."
"Write 'I. O. U.' on a post-card and send it to her. It will do just as
well, if not better," suggested Mr Swinglebinks.
So the Guard sent the post-card; but in his agitation he told the
engineer driver to go straight ahead instead of round the corner. The
consequence was that they were run into by a Demon on a bicycle, and
thrown out of the train down a coal mine. Luckily there were no coals in
the mine so it did not matter, and they went boldly forward--that is to
say, Willie and Maude did, and knocked at the front door of a handsome
house that suddenly appeared before them.
[Illustration]
Nobody opened the door, so they walked in. They looked behind them, but
could not see the Zankiwank or any of the passengers in the train;
therefore, not knowing what else to do, they went upstairs. They
appeared to be walking up stairs for hours without coming to a landing
or meeting with anyone, and the interminable steps began to grow
monotonous. Presently they heard a scuffling and a stamping and a
roaring behind them and something or somebody began to push them most
rudely until at last the wall gave way, the stairs gave way, they gave
way, and tumbled right on to the tips of their noses.
"Out of the way! Out of the way!" screamed a chorus of curious voices,
and Maude and Willie found themselves taken by the hand by a
weird-looking dwarf with a swivel eye and an elevated proboscis, and led
out of danger.
The children could not help gazing upon their preserver, who was so
grotesquely formed, with a humped back, twisted legs, very long arms,
and such a funny little body without any neck. But his eyes atoned for
everything--they sparkled and glinted in their sockets like bright brown
diamonds--only there are no brown diamonds, you know, only white and
pink ones.
[Illustration]
The Dwarf did not appear to mind the wondering looks of the children at
all, but patted them on the cheeks and told them not to be frightened.
But whether he meant frightened of himself, or of the Birds, Beasts, and
Fishes that were hurrying by in such confusing masses, they could not
tell. One thing, however, that astonished them very much was the
deference with which they greeted their quaint rescuer, as they passed
by. For every creature from the Lion to the Mouse bowed most politely
as they approached him, and then went on their way gaily frisking, for
this was their weekly half-holiday.
"How do you like my Menagerie," enquired the Dwarf. "Rough and ready,
perhaps, but as docile as a flat-iron if you treat them properly."
"It is just like the Zoo," declared Willie. "Or the animals in Æsop's
Fables," suggested Maude.
This delighted the Dwarf very much, for though he looked so serious, he
was full of good humour and skipped about with much agility.
"Good! Good!" he cried. "Æsop and the Zoo! Ha! Ha! He! He! Anybody can
be a Zoo but only one can be Æsop, and I am he!"
"Æsop! Are you really Mr Æsop, the Phrygian Philosopher?" cried Maude.
"_King_ Æsop, I should say," corrected Willie. "I am glad we have met
you, because now, perhaps, you will kindly tell us what a Fable really
is."
"A Fable," said the merry Æsop, with a twinkle in his witty eyes, "is a
fictitious story about nothing that ever happened, related by nobody
that ever lived. And the moral is, that every one is quite innocent,
only they must not do it again!"
"Ah! that is only your fun," said Willie sagely, "because of the moral.
Why do they give you so many morals?"
"I don't know," answered Æsop gravely. "But the Commentators and Editors
do give a lot of applications and morals to the tales of my animals,
don't they?"
"I like a tale with a moral," averred Maude, "it finishes everything up
so satisfactorily, I think. Now, Mr Æsop, as you know so much, please
tell us what a proverb is?"
"Ah!" replied Mr Æsop, "I don't make proverbs. There are too many
already, but a proverb usually seems to me to be something you always
theoretically remember to practically forget."
Neither of the children quite understood this, though Maude thought it
was what her papa would call satire, and satire was such a strange word
that she could never fully comprehend the meaning.
Willie was silent too, like his sister, and seeing them deep in thought,
King Æsop waved a little wand he had in his hand, and all the Birds and
Beasts and Fishes joined hands and paws, and fins and wings, and danced
in a circle singing to the music of a quantity of piping birds in the
trees:--
If you want to be merry and wise,
You must all be as bright as you can,
You never must quarrel,
Or spoil a right moral,
But live on a regular plan.
You must read, write and arith-metise,
Or you'll never grow up to be good;
And you mustn't say "Won't,"
Or "I shan't" and "I don't,"
Or disturb the Indicative Mood.
So round about the Knowledge Tree,
Each boy and girl must go,
To learn in school the golden rule,
And Duty's line to toe!
If you want to be clever and smart,
You must also be ready for play,
And don't be too subtle
When batting your shuttle,
But sport in a frolicsome way.
With bat and with ball take your part,
Or with little doll perched on your knee,
You sing all the time,
To a nursery rhyme,
Before you go in to your tea!
So round about the Sunset Tree
Each boy and girl should go
To play a game of--What's its name?
That is each game--you know!
After merrily joining in this very original song, with dancing
accompaniment, Maude and Willie thanked King Æsop for permitting his
animals to entertain them.
"Always glad to please good little boys and girls, you know," he
replied pleasantly, "even in their play they furnish us with a new fable
and a moral."
"And that is?"
"All play and no work makes the world stand still."
[Illustration]
Before they could ask for an explanation, their attention was once more
drawn to the animals, who had commenced playing all kinds of games just
the same as they themselves played in the play-ground at school. The
Toads were playing Leap-frog; the Elephants and the Bears, Fly the
Garter; the Dromedaries, Hi! Spie! Hi! while the snakes were trundling
their hoops. The Lions and the Lambs were playing at cricket with the
Donkeys as fielders and the Wombat as umpire.
The Frogs were in a corner by themselves playing "Kiss in the Ring," and
crying out:--
"It isn't you! It isn't you!
We none of us know what to do,"
in a very serio-comic manner. Then the Storks and the Cranes and the
Geese and the Ganders were standing in a circle singing:--
Sally, Sally Waters,
Sitting in the Moon,
With the camel's daughters,
All through the afternoon!
Oh Sally! Bo Sally!
Where's your dusting pan;
My Sally! Fie Sally!
Here is your young man!
In another part the Crabs, the Sheep, and the Fox, were vowing that
London Bridge was Broken Down, because they had not half-a-crown, which
seemed a curious reason. Then all the rest of the wild creatures, Birds,
Beasts, and Fishes, commenced an extraordinary dance, singing, croaking,
flapping their fins and spreading their wings, to these words:--
We are a crowd of jolly boys,
All romping on the lea;
We always make this merry noise,
When we return from sea.
So we go round and round and round,
Because we've come ashore;
For Topsy Turvey we are bound,
So round again once more.
Go in and out of the coppice,
Go in and out at the door;
And do not wake the poppies,
Who want to have a snore.
It was too ridiculous; they could recognise every animal they had read
about in Æsop, and they were all behaving in a manner they little
dreamed could be possible, out of a Night-mare. But it certainly was not
a Night-mare, though they could distinguish several horses and ponies.
[Illustration]
They never seemed to stop in their games, and even the Ants and the
Gnats were playing--and above all a game of football,--though as some
played according to Association and some to Rugby rules, of course it
was rather perplexing to the on-lookers. When they grew tired of
watching the Animal World enjoying their holiday, they turned to consult
King Æsop, but to their astonishment, he was not near them--he had
vanished! And when they turned round the other way the Animals had
vanished too, and they were quite alone. Indeed everything seemed to
disappear, even the light that had been their guide so long, and they
began to tremble with fear and apprehension.
Not a sound was to be heard, and darkness gradually fell around them.
They held each other by the hand, and determined to go forward, but to
their dismay they could not move! They were glued to the earth. They
tried to speak, but their tongues stuck to the roofs of their mouths,
and they were in great distress. "Where, Oh where was the Zankiwank?"
they wondered in their thoughts. And a buzzing in their ears took up the
refrain:--
The Zankiwank, the Zankiwank,
Oh where, Oh where is the Zankiwank?
He brought us here, and much we fear
His conduct's far from Franky-wank!
The Zankiwank, the Zankiwank,
He has gone to seek the Bletherwitch,
Oh the Zankiwank, 'tis a panky prank
To leave us here to die in a ditch.
"A telegram, did you say? For me, of course, what an age you have been.
How is my blushing bride? Let me see--
'_From the Bletherwitch, Nonsuch Street,
To the Zankiwank, Nodland._
Forgot my new shoes, and the housemaid's killed the parrot. Put the
kettle on.'"
Then the children heard some sobbing sound soughing through the silence
and they knew that they were saved. Also that the Zankiwank was weeping.
So with a strong effort Maude managed to call out consolingly,
"Zankiwanky, dear! don't cry, come and let me comfort you."
But the Zankiwank refused to be comforted. However, he came forward
muttering an incantation of some sort, and Maude and Willie finding
themselves free, rushed forward and greeted him.
"Hush, my dears, the Nargalnannacus is afloat on the wild, wild main. We
must be careful and depart, or he will turn us into something
unpleasant--the last century or may be the next, as it is close at hand,
and inexpensive. Follow me to the ship that is waiting in the Bay
Window, and we will go and get some Floranges."
Carefully Maudie and Willie followed the Zankiwank, each holding on by
the tails of his coat, glad enough to go anywhere out of the Blackness
of the Dark.
Soon they found themselves in Window Bay, and climbing up the sides of a
mighty ship with five funnels and a red-haired captain.
"Quick," called the Captain, "the Nargalnannacus is on the lee scuppers
just off the jibboom brace. Make all sail for the Straights of
Ballambangjan, and mind the garden gate."
Then the Zankiwank became the man at the wheel, and the vessel scudded
before the wind as the two children went off into a trance.
[Illustration]