You cannot imagine, my dear Louisa, how delighted I was with these few
lines; I enclosed them indeed in the cabinet given me by the author of
them, but laid up their meaning in my heart:--I was quite alert the
whole day, but infinitely more so, when in the evening my admired
Henricus made me a visit introduced by lord H----, who had been one of
my late husband's particular friends, and had ever kept a good
correspondence with me.
Henricus took, not the least notice either of the cabinet or letter
before him; and as I imagined he had his reasons for it, I too was
silent on that head; he took the opportunity, however, while lord H----
was speaking to a young lady who happened to be with me, to ask
permission to wait on me with the hope of being received on his own
score as he was now on that of his friend. I told him that merit, such
as his, was sufficient to recommend him any where; and, besides, I had
an obligation to him which I ought to acknowledge. This was all either
of us had time to say; but it was enough to make me convinced he desired
a more particular conversation, and him, that it would not be
unwelcome to me.
Thus began an acquaintance equally fatal to my peace of mind and
reputation; and having said that, it would be needless to repeat the
circumstances of it, therefore shall only tell you I was so infatuated
with my passion, that I never gave myself the trouble to examine into
the nature of his pretensions, and lull'd with the vows he made of
everlasting love, resented not that he forbore pressing to that ceremony
which could alone ensure it:--yes, my Louisa, I will not wrong him so
far as to say he deceived me in this point; for tho' he protested with
the most solemn imprecations that he would never address any either
woman than myself, yet he never once mentioned marriage to me.--Alass!
he too well saw into my heart, and that all my faculties were too much
his to be able to refuse him any thing:--even so it proved;--he
triumphed over all in my power to yield;--nay, was so far subdued, that
I neither regretted my loss, nor used any endeavours to conceal
it;--vain of being his at any rate, I thought his love more glory to me
than either fame or virtue; and while I was known to enjoy the one,
despised whatever censures I incurred for parting with the other:--in
the mall, the play-house, the ring, at Bath or Tunbridge, he was always
with me; nor would any thing indeed have been a diversion to me had he
been absent.
For upwards of a year I had no reason to complain of his want of
assiduity to me, tho' I have since heard even in that time he had other
amours with women who carried them on with more prudence than I was
mistress of; but I had afterwards a stabbing proof of his insincerity
and inconstancy.
Perceiving a great alteration in his behaviour, that he visited me less
frequently, and when he came, the ardours he was accustomed to treat me
with still more and more languid and enforced, I upbraided him in terms
which, tho' they shewed more love than resentment, and had he retained
any tolerable remains of tenderness for me, must have been rather
obliging than the contrary, he affected to take extremely ill, and told
me plainly, that nothing was so dear to him as his peace,--that he was
not of a temper to endure reproaches, and that, if I desired the
continuance of our amour, I must be satisfied with him as he was. These
cool, and indeed insolent replies made me almost distracted; and
beginning to suspect he had some new engagement, I talked to him in a
manner as if I had been assured of it:--he, perhaps, imagining it was
so, made no efforts to cure my jealousy, but behaved with so cruel an
indifference as confirmed my apprehensions.
Resolving to be convinced whether I really had any rival or not, I
employed spies to observe where-ever he went, and to whom; but alass,
there required little pains to acquire the intelligence I fought.--I
was soon informed that he was every day with the daughter of a little
mechanic;--that he made her very rich presents, procured a commission in
the army for one of her brothers, and in fine, that he was as much
devoted to her as a man of his inconstant temper could be to any woman.
How severe a mortification was this to my pride! but it had this good
attending it, that it very much abated my love:--to be abandoned for so
mean a creature, and who had nothing but youth and a tolerable face to
recommend her, shewed such a want of taste as well as gratitude, as
rendered despicable in my eyes what had lately engrossed all my love and
admiration.--The moment I received the information I sent for him;--and
forcing my countenance to a serenity my heart was a stranger to, told
him it was only to take a last leave of a person whom I had been so far
mistaken in as to think deserving my affection: that I desired to see
him once more, but having now seen my error, desired he would desist his
visits for the future. He asked me with the same calmness he had lately
behaved with, what whim I had got in my head now, I, who had before
determined not to feed my rival's pride by shewing any jealousy of her,
only replied, that as amours, such as ours had been, must have an end
some time or other,--I thought none could be more proper than the
present, because I believed both of us could do it without pain.
Answer for yourself, madam, cried he with some emotion, for I could
perceive my behaviour had a little flung his vanity; and resolute to
give him in my turn all the mortification in my power, nay, said I with
a disdainful toss of my head, I do not enquire into your sentiments,--it
is sufficient mine are to break entirely off with you;--neither is it
any concern to me how you may resent this alteration in my conduct, or
dispose of yourself hereafter; but I once more assure you, with my usual
frankness, that I now can see none of those perfections my foolish fancy
formerly found in you, and cannot be complaisant enough to counterfeit a
tenderness I neither feel nor think you worthy of.
The surprize he was in kept him silent for some moments; but recovering
himself as well as he could, he told me, that if the levity of my nature
had made me cease to love him, he could not have expected endearments
should be converted into affronts; that if I was determined to see him
no more he must submit, and should endeavour to make himself as easy as
he could under the misfortune.
These last words were uttered with a kind of sneer, which was very
provoking, however, I restrained my passion during the little time he
stayed; but as soon as I found myself alone gave it vent in tears and
exclamations,--since which I have been mere at peace within myself; for
tho' I cannot say I hate him, I am now far from loving him, and hope
that time and absence may bring me to a perfect indifference.
Thus, Louisa, continued she, you see the beginning and end of an
adventure which has made some noise in town, to be out of which I have
taken a resolution to travel till the whole shall be forgotten, and I
have entirely rooted out of my heart all manner of consideration for
this ungrateful man.
Louisa thanked her for the condescension me had made her in entrusting
her with so important a secret, and said every thing she could in praise
of the resolution she had taken to leave England for a time, not only
because it was exactly conformable to her own desires, but also that she
thought it so laudable in itself. Melanthe then assured her that she was
not capable of changing her mind in this particular, and that her
equipage was getting ready at London for that purpose, so that she
believed they should embark in a few days. Louisa, on hearing this,
said, that she must then provide herself with some things it would be
necessary for her to have in order to appear in the station her ladyship
was pleased to place her; but the other, who, as may be seen by her
history, never preserved a medium in any thing, would not suffer her to
be at the least expence on that account, but took the care of furnishing
her with every thing on herself; and accordingly sent a man and horse to
town directly to her mercer's, draper's, milliner's, and other
tradesmen, with orders to send down silks, laces, hollands, and whatever
else was requisite; which being brought, were put to be made fit for
wearing by workwomen at Windsor; so that now our Louisa made as good a
figure, and had as great a variety of habits as when under the
guardianship of Dorilaus, and, to complete her happiness, this new
benefactress grew every day more, and more delighted with her company.
All being now prepared, they came to London, where they lay but one
night before they took shipping for Helvoetsluys in Holland, where,
being safely landed, they proceeded to Utrecht, and so to
Aix-la-chappelle; there they stayed some weeks for the sake of the
waters, air, and good company; and Louisa thought it so pleasant, that
she would have been glad not to have removed for some time longer; but
Melanthe was yet restless in her mind, and required frequent change of
place. Here it was, however, that Louisa thought she might venture to
write to Dorilaus, to ease him of that kind concern she doubted not but
he was in for her welfare, by the advertisement already mentioned in the
Gazette. The purport of her letter was as follows:
_Ever Honoured Sir_,
'Child of your bounty as I am, I flatter myself
that, in spight of my enforc'd disobedience,
it would be a trouble to you to hear I should
do any thing unworthy of that education you were
pleased to bestow on me: I therefore take the liberty
of acquainting you, that heaven has raised
me a protectress in a lady of quality with whom
I now am, as you will see by the date of this, at
Aix-la-chappelle. As all the favours I receive
from her, or all the good that shall happen during
my whole life is, and will be entirely owing
to you as the fountain-head, it will be always my
inclination, as well as duty, to pay you the tribute
of grateful thanks.--Poor recompence,
alas, for all you have done for me! yet those,
with my incessant prayers to heaven, are all in
the power of
_Your most dutiful_