[Mr. RIDER HAGGARD has become the accepted Conservative
candidate for a Norfolk constituency. The following is
understood to be an advance copy of his Address.]
Intelligent electors, may I venture to present
Myself as an aspirant for a seat in Parliament?
The views of those opponents who despise a novelist,
Are but the foggy arguments of People of the Mist!
No writer, I assure you, can produce a better claim,
A greater versatility, a more substantial fame;
My candidature, though opposed by all the yellow gang,
Has won the hearty sympathy of Mr. ANDREW LANG.
And if what my opinions are you'd really like to know,
They're issued at a modest price by LONGMANS, GREEN, & CO.;
The Eight Hours Bill, for instance, I'm prepared to speak upon
From a practical acquaintance with the Mines of Solomon.
Whatever my intentions as to Woman's Rights may be,
I yield to none in honouring the great immortal She;
While, as to foreign policy, though Blue Books make you yawn,
You'll find the subject treated most attractively in _Dawn_.
When I am placed in Parliament, I'll speak with fluent skill,
And show (like Mr. MEESON) I've a most effective will;
And if there is a special point for which I mean to fight,
It is for legislation to protect my copyright.
If chance debate to matters in South Africa should tend,
My anecdotes will cause the Speaker's wig to stand on end;
And if an opportunity occurs, I'll rouse the lot
By perorating finely in impassioned Hottentot!
So, Gentlemen, I beg you, let my arguments prevail,
Shame would it be if such a cause through apathy should fail,
Shame on the false elector who his honest duty shirks!
Believe me, Yours.
The Author of _She_, _Dawn_, and other works.
* * * * *
SUGGESTED REVIVAL OF AN OLD FORM OF PUNISHMENT FOR FUTURE OBSTRUTIONIST
SPECULATORS IN THROGMORTONIAN KAFFIR LAND.--"Put 'em in the Stocks."
* * * * *
"WHEN ARTHUR FIRST AT COURT."
Last week the Court Theatre was advertised as a "Company, Limited." The
cast in the bill was given as Chairman, ARTHUR W. PINERO; First
Director, Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN (with a song?); Second Director, HERBERT
BENNETT (Director also of HARROD'S Stores, Limited, the success of which
establishment has been so great as to now out-HARROD HARROD); and then
ARTHUR CHUDLEIGH (who was jointly lessee at one time with Mrs. JOHN
WOOD), as Director and Acting Manager. The Solicitor is down as ARTHUR
B. CHUBB ("little fish are sweet"), and the Secretary is Mr. A.
(presumably ARTHUR?) S. DUNN. Most appropriate this name to finish with;
"and now my story's DUNN." Fortunate omen, too, that there are two "n's"
in DUNN, which otherwise is a word associated with a Court not quite so
cheerful as the Court Theatre.
But the curious note about it is the preponderance of "ARTHURS." ARTHUR
PINERO, ARTHUR SULLIVAN, ARTHUR CHUDLEIGH, ARTHUR CHUBB, and ARTHUR (?)
DUNN. If they have power to add to their number, why not take in ARTHUR
JONES, ARTHUR LLOYD, and ARTHUR ROBERTS? That would make the Dramatic
ARTHURS and the Musical ARTHURS about equal.
MATILDA CHARLOTTE WOOD is mentioned as having had an agreement with one
of the ARTHURS yclept CHUDLEIGH, and probably also a disagreement too,
as their once highly prosperous joint management came to an end. But now
"she will return," at least, everyone hopes so, as, after her capital
performance of the Sporting Duchess at Drury Lane, she has shown us that
she is as fresh and as great an attraction as ever. Some of the ARTHURS
will write for her, one ARTHUR will compose for her, two ARTHURS will
act and sing with her, and ARTHUR, the managing director, will direct
and manage her. May every success attend the venture! But how about
authors and composers offering their work to so professional a board of
directors? Doesn't _Sir Fretful Plagiary's_ objection to sending his
play in to the manager of Drury Lane, namely, that "he writes himself."
hold good nowadays? Hum. A difficulty, most decidedly; still, not
absolutely insuperable.
* * * * *
Which Settles It.
_Over-enthusiastic Person_ (_speaking confidentially of his absent
Friend to the young Lady to whom absent friend is going to propose_).
Everybody speaks in his praise. He is an exceptionally good man.
_Sharp Young Lady._ Ah, then he is "too good to be true." I shall refuse
him! [_Exit separately._
* * * * *
[Illustration: "MUSIC HATH CHARMS."
H.R.H. THE DUKE, ACCOMPANIED BY DRUMMER-BOY HERBERT GLADSTONE, LEADS THE
SUNDAY PARK BAND.
"The Duke of CAMBRIDGE takes the liveliest personal interest in the
proposal made by Mr. JOHN AIRD, and supported by Mr. HERBERT GLADSTONE,
First Commissioner of Works, that military bands should perform in the
Royal Parks on suitable occasions during the season."--_Daily Telegraph,
March 20._]
* * * * *
[Illustration: QUITE A CATCH.
_Young Splinter_ (_driving Nervous Old Party to Covert_). "YES, I LOVE A
BARGAIN IN HORSEFLESH! NOW, IF YOU BELIEVE ME, I PICKED THIS LITTLE
BEGGAR UP THE OTHER DAY FOR A MERE SONG. BOLTED WITH A TRAP--KICKED
EVERYTHING TO SMASH. BID THE FELLOW A TENNER FOR HER, AND THERE SHE IS!"
[_Old Party begins to feel that "'E don' know where 'e are," or will be
presently._]
* * * * *
"MUSIC HATH CHARMS."