AN EVENING AT THE "GOOSE AND GRIDIRON."
Those political debaters who met together weekly at the "Goose and
Gridiron" were certainly open to the insinuation that they copied
the practices of another debating society, which held its sittings
farther west. In some respects they did so, and were perhaps even
servile in their imitation. They divided themselves into parties, of
which each had an ostensible leader. But then there was always some
ambitious but hardly trustworthy member who endeavoured to gather
round him a third party which might become dominant by trimming
between the other two; and he again would find the ground cut from
beneath his feet by new aspirants. The members never called each
other by their own names, but addressed each always as "The worthy
Goose," speaking at such moments with the utmost courtesy. This
would still be done, though the speaker were using all his energy
to show that that other Goose was in every sense unworthy. They had
a perpetual chairman, for whom they affected the most unbounded
respect. He was generally called "The Grand," his full title being
"The Most Worthy Grand Goose;" and members on their legs, when they
wished to address the meeting with special eloquence, and were
about to speak words which they thought peculiarly fit for public
attention, would generally begin by thus invoking him. "Most Worthy
Grand," they would say. But this when done by others than well
accustomed speakers, was considered as a work either of arrogance
or of ignorance. This great officer was much loved among them, and
familiarly he was called "My Grand." Though there was an immensity of
talk at these meetings, men speaking sometimes by the half hour whose
silence the club would have been willing to purchase almost at any
price, there were not above four established orators. There were
four orators, of each of whom it was said that he copied the manner
and tone of some great speaker in that other society. There was our
friend Robinson, who in the elegance of his words, and the brilliancy
of his ideas, far surpassed any other Goose. His words were
irresistible, and his power in that assembly unequalled. But yet, as
many said, it was power working only for evil. The liberal party to
which he had joined himself did not dare to stand without him; but
yet, if the whispers that got abroad were true, they would only too
gladly have dispensed with him. He was terrible as a friend; but then
he could be more terrible as a foe.
Then there was Crowdy,--Crowdy, whose high-flown ideas hardly tallied
with the stern realities of his life. Crowdy was the leader of those
who had once held firmly by Protection. Crowdy had been staunchly
true to his party since he had a party, though it had been said of
him that the adventures of Crowdy in search of a party had been very
long and very various. There had been no Goose with a bitterer tongue
than Crowdy; but now in these days a spirit of quiescence had fallen
on him; and though he spoke as often as ever, he did not wield so
deadly a tomahawk.
Then there was the burly Buggins, than whom no Goose had a more
fluent use of his vernacular. He was not polished as Robinson, nor
had he ever possessed the exquisite keenness of Crowdy. But in
speaking he always hit the nail on the head, and carried his hearers
with him by the energy and perspicuity of his argument. But by
degrees the world of the Goose and Gridiron had learned that Buggins
talked of things which he did not understand, and which he had not
studied. His facts would not bear the light. Words fell from his
mouth sweeter than honey; but sweet as they were they were of no
avail. It was pleasant to hear Buggins talk, but men knew that it was
useless.
But perhaps the most remarkable Goose in that assembly, as decidedly
he was the most popular, was old Pan. He traced his birth to the
mighty blood of the great Pancabinets, whose noble name he still
proudly bore. Every one liked old Pancabinet, and though he did not
now possess, and never had possessed, those grand oratorical powers
which distinguished so highly the worthy Geese above mentioned, no
Goose ever rose upon his legs more sure of respectful attention. The
sway which he bore in that assembly was very wonderful, for he was an
old man, and there were there divers Geese of unruly spirit. Lately
he had associated himself much with our friend Robinson, for which
many blamed him. But old Pancabinet generally knew what he was about,
and having recognized the tremendous power of the young merchant from
Bishopsgate Street, was full sure that he could get on better with
him than he could against him.
It was pleasant to see "My Grand" as he sat in his big arm-chair,
with his beer before him, and his long pipe in his mouth. A benign
smile was ever on his face, and yet he showed himself plainly
conscious that authority lived in his slightest word, and that he had
but to nod to be obeyed. That pipe was constant in his hand, and was
the weapon with which he signified his approbation of the speakers.
When any great orator would arise and address him as Most Worthy
Grand, he would lay his pipe for an instant on the table, and,
crossing his hands on his ample waistcoat, would bow serenely to the
Goose on his legs. Then, not allowing the spark to be extinguished
on his tobacco, he would resume the clay, and spread out over his
head and shoulders a long soft cloud of odorous smoke. But when any
upstart so addressed him,--any Goose not entitled by character to
use the sonorous phrase,--he would still retain his pipe, and simply
wink his eye. It was said that this distinction quite equalled the
difference between big type and little. Perhaps the qualification
which was most valued among The Geese, and most specially valued by
The Worthy Grand, was a knowledge of the Forms of the Room, as it was
called. These rules or formulas, which had probably been gradually
invented for the complication of things which had once been too
simple, were so numerous that no Goose could remember them all who
was not very constant in his attention, and endowed with an accurate
memory. And in this respect they were no doubt useful;--that when
young and unskilled Geese tried to monopolize the attention of the
Room, they would be constantly checked and snubbed, and at last
subdued and silenced, by some reference to a forgotten form. No Goose
could hope to get through a lengthy speech without such interruption
till he had made the Forms of the Room a long and painful study.
On the evening in question,--that same evening on which Robinson
had endeavoured to tear out the tongue of Brisket,--the Geese were
assembled before eight o'clock. A motion that had been made elsewhere
for the repeal of the paper duties was to be discussed. It was known
that the minds of many Geese were violently set against a measure
which they presumed to be most deleterious to the country; but old
Pan, under the rigorous instigation of Robinson, had given in his
adhesion, and was prepared to vote for the measure,--and to talk for
it also, should there be absolute necessity. Buggins also was on the
same side,--for Buggins was by trade a radical. But it was felt by
all that the debate would be nothing unless Robinson should be there
to "chaw up" Crowdy, as had been intimated to our friend by that
worthy Goose the young Poppins.
But at eight o'clock and at a quarter past eight Robinson was
not there. Crowdy, not wishing to lacerate his foe till that foe
should be there to feel the wounds, sat silent in his usual seat.
Pancabinet, who understood well the beauty of silence, would not
begin the fray. Buggins was ever ready to talk, but he was cunning
enough to know that a future opportunity might be more valuable than
the present one. Then up jumped Poppins. Now Poppins was no orator,
but he felt that as the friend of Robinson, he was bound to address
the meeting on the present occasion. There were circumstances which
should be explained. "Most worthy Grand,--" he began, starting
suddenly to his legs; whereupon the worthy Grand slightly drew back
his head, still holding his pipe between his lips, and winked at the
unhappy Poppins. "As the friend of the absent Robinson--" he went on;
but he was at once interrupted by loud cries of "order" from every
side of the Room. And, worse than that, the Grand frowned at him.
There was no rule more established than that which forbade the name
of any Goose to be mentioned. "I beg the Grand's pardon," continued
Poppins; "I mean the absent worthy Goose. As his friend I rise to
say a few words. I know he feels the greatest interest about this
measure, which has been brought forward in the House of C--" But
again he was interrupted. "Order, order, order," was shouted at him
by vociferous Geese on every side, and the Grand frowned at him
twice. When the Grand had frowned at a member three times, that
member was silenced for the night. In this matter the assembly at the
"Goose and Gridiron" had not copied their rule from any other Body.
But it is worthy of consideration whether some other Body might not
do well to copy theirs. "I beg the Grand's pardon again," said the
unhappy Poppins; "but I meant in another place." Hereupon a worthy
Goose got up and suggested that their numbers should be counted. Now
there was a rule that no debate could be continued unless a dozen
Geese were present; and a debate once closed, was closed for that
night. When such a hint was given to the Grand, it became the Grand's
duty to count his Geese, and in order to effect this in accordance
with the constitution of the assembly, it was necessary that the
servants should withdraw. Strangers also were sometimes present,
and at such moments they were politely asked to retire. When the
suggestion was made, the suggestor no doubt knew that the requisite
number was not there, but it usually happened on such occasions that
some hangers-on were at hand to replenish the room. A Goose or two
might be eating bread and cheese in the little parlour,--for food
could not be introduced into the debating-room; and a few of the
younger Geese might often be found amusing themselves with the
young lady at the bar. Word would be passed to them that the Grand
was about to count, and indeed they would hear the tap of his
tobacco-stopper on the table. Then there would be a rush among these
hungry and amorous Geese, and so the number would be made up. That
they called making a flock.
When the suggestion was given on the present occasion the Grand put
down his tankard from his hand and proceeded to the performance of
his duty. Turning the mouthpiece of his long pipe-clay out from him,
he pointed it slowly to one after another, counting them as he so
pointed. First he counted up old Pancabinet, and a slight twinkle
might be seen in the eyes of the two old men as he did so. Then,
turning his pipe round the room, he pointed at them all, and it was
found that there were fifteen present. "There is a flock, and the
discreet and worthy Goose is in possession of the room," he said,
bowing to Poppins. And Poppins again began his speech.
It was but a blundering affair, as was too often the case with the
speeches made there; and then when Poppins sat down, the great Crowdy
rose slowly to his legs. We will not attempt to give the speech of
this eloquent Goose at length, for the great Crowdy often made long
speeches. It may suffice to say that having a good cause he made
the best of it, and that he pitched into our poor Robinson most
unmercifully, always declaring as he did so that as his friend
the enterprising and worthy Goose was absent, his own mouth was
effectually closed. It may be noted here that whenever a Goose was
in commerce the epithet "enterprising" was always used when he was
mentioned; and if he held or ever had held a service of trust, as
Poppins did, he was called the "discreet" Goose. And then, just as
Crowdy finished his speech, the swinging door of the room was opened,
and Robinson himself started up to his accustomed place.
It was easy to see that both the inner man had been disturbed and
the outer. His hair and clothes had been ruffled in the embrace
with Brisket, and his heart had been ruffled in its encounter with
Maryanne. He had come straight from Bishopsgate Street to the "Goose
and Gridiron;" and now when he walked up to his seat, all the Geese
remained silent waiting for him to declare himself.
"Most worthy Grand," he began; and immediately the long pipe was
laid upon the table and the hands of the Grand were crossed upon his
bosom. "A circumstance has occurred to-night, which unfits me for
these debates." "No, no, no," was shouted on one side; and "hear,
hear, hear," on the other; during which the Grand again bowed and
then resumed his pipe.
"If the chamber will allow me to wander away from paper for a moment,
and to open the sores of a bleeding heart--"
"Question, question," was then called by a jealous voice.
"The enterprising and worthy Goose is perfectly in order," said the
burly Buggins. "Many a good heart will bleed before long if this
debate is to be choked and smothered by the cackle of the incapable."
"I submit that the question before the chamber is the repeal of the
paper duties," said the jealous voice, "and not the bleeding heart of
the enterprising and worthy Goose."
"The question before the cabinet is," said My Grand, "that the
chamber considers that two millions a-year will be lost for ever by
the repeal of the paper duties; but if the enterprising and worthy
Goose have any personal remarks to make bearing on that subject, he
will be in order."
"It is a matter of privilege," suggested Poppins.
"A personal explanation is always allowed," said Robinson,
indignantly; "nor did I think that any member of this chamber would
have had the baseness to stop my voice when--"
"Order--order--order!"
"I may have been wrong to say baseness in this chamber, however base
the worthy Goose may be; and, therefore, with permission of our
worthy Grand, I will substitute 'hardihood.'" Whereupon the worthy
Grand again bowed. But still there were cries of question from the
side of the room opposite to that on which Robinson sat.
Then old Pancabinet rose from his seat, and all voices were hushed.
"If I may be allowed to make a suggestion," said he, "I would say
that the enterprising and worthy Goose should be heard on a matter
personal to himself. It may very probably be that the privileges of
this chamber are concerned; and I think I may say that any worthy
Goose speaking on matters affecting privilege in this chamber is
always heard with that attention which the interest of the subject
demands." After that there was no further interruption, and Robinson
was allowed to open his bleeding heart.
"Most worthy Grand," he again began, and again the pipe was laid
down, for Robinson was much honoured. "I come here hot from a scene
of domestic woe, which has robbed me of all political discretion,
and made the paper duty to me an inscrutable mystery. The worthy
Geese here assembled see before them a man who has been terribly
injured; one in whose mangled breast Fate has fixed her sharpest
dagger, and poisoned the blade before she fixed it." "No--no--no."
"Hear--hear--hear." "Yes, my Grand; she poisoned the blade before she
fixed it. On Tuesday next I had hoped--" and here his voice became
inexpressibly soft and tender, "on Tuesday next I had hoped to
become one bone and one flesh with a fair girl whom I have loved for
months;--fair indeed to the outer eye, as flesh and form can make
her; but ah! how hideously foul within. And I had hoped on this day
se'nnight to have received the congratulations of this chamber. I
need not say that it would have been the proudest moment of my life.
But, my Grand, that has all passed away. Her conduct has been the
conduct of a Harpy. She is a Regan. She is false, heartless, and
cruel; and this night I have renounced her."
Hereupon a small Goose, very venomous, but vehemently attached to the
privileges of his chamber, gave notice of a motion that that false
woman should be brought before the Most Worthy Grand, and heard
at the bar of the "Goose and Gridiron." But another worthy Goose
showed that the enterprising and worthy Goose had by his own showing
renounced the lady himself, and that, therefore, there could have
been no breach of the privilege of the chamber. The notice of motion
was then withdrawn.
"O woman!" continued Robinson, "how terrible is thy witchcraft,
and how powerful are thy charms! Thou spakest, and Adam fell. Thou
sangest, and Samson's strength was gone. The head of the last of the
prophets was the reward of thy meretricious feet. 'Twas thy damnable
eloquence that murdered the noble Duncan. 'Twas thy lascivious beauty
that urged the slaughter of the noble Dane. As were Adam and Samson,
so am I. As were Macbeth and the foul king in the play, so is my
rival Brisket. Most worthy Grand, this chamber must hold me excused
if I decline to-night to enter upon the subject of the paper duties."
Then Robinson left the chamber, and the discussion was immediately
adjourned to that day se'nnight.