FAREWELL, SMILER
In proof of the critical, exacting, and thankless nature of the noble
Briton, my father used to tell a little story savouring perhaps of the
fable. Three excellent gardeners and botanists, representative of our
"three islands"--as a learned Frenchman calls them--were searching some
torrid mountain slope, as travellers for a great London nursery. When
ready to drop with heat and thirst, for they had missed their supply of
water, they chanced upon a vine in a sheltered spot, bearing three fine
bunches of ripe grapes. Like good men and just, they tossed for choice;
Paddy coming last, as his destiny decrees. His bunch was gone in no
time, skin, stones, and stalk, while John Bull proceeded with a calm and
steady munch. Sandy, however, stood contemplating his,--the finest
cluster of the three,--holding it against the burning sky, with its dewy
purple glistening like amethysts of ice. "Arrah, then, why don't ye ate
it?" cried Pat; "if ye can't, it's meself that knows the bhoy as can."
"Hoot, toots, mon, a' was joost conseederin'," the Scotchman replied, as
he held it out of reach, "what a bonny boonch she wud a' been, gin I had
only had the loock to come along aboot twal' weeks bock wi' my theening
scissors."
Perhaps I was not quite so hard to please as that. But instead of being
grateful for the many strokes of luck vouchsafed in my present strait, I
did nothing but grumble at all that went amiss and growl at the heavy
roll and everlasting lurch of time. However, let every man act according
to his nature, or his own perversion of it; but I was not going to be
beaten thus. It would never do to leave the chance of obtaining some
news from St. Petersburg to a casual traveller, like Strogue's friend. I
must try to learn a little more about that. Therefore, as I would not go
to Lord Fitzragon, it came into my mind that really I owed some amends
to Lord Melladew; not for the peppering of his spats (for I had not even
used a gun that day), but for my tolerance of such a stupid business,
and the absence of wrath in my sorrow for it. The Earl had employed his
lame time in writing a fine poem upon Russia, which had received a
little private circulation; and a cultivated Russian, who had seen the
poem, pronounced it the finest thing in the English language. Without
going to that extent, I knew that his lordship was now a "Persona grata"
(which means properly a welcome mask) at the Court of the Northern
Universe.
When I met him at his club by appointment, for he was still in some
terror of his mother, he showed himself as cordial as any young man who
operates mainly with his intellect can be. "We never have mutton-chops
here," he said, glancing along me, as if I were a hedgerow, with the
side-look that comes from living always in a street; "but the view from
the window is pleasing, George; and I can show you spots quite
historical."
"Much obliged. But history is no good without age; and our own affairs
are no good, when they get it."
He saw that I was going to be a plague, and he sank into a gimcrack
velvet chair, which was handicapped too heavily, even with such weight
as his, and he waved his hand for me to do the like; but I found a thing
like a music-stool having more satisfactory understanding.
"How I have longed to be down your way!" Conversation with him reminded
me always of holding a skein of tissue silk for a lady to wind while you
bob your thumbs. "Any sign of spring, George? Willow catkins?
Elder-leaves?"
"No, nor yet younger leaves," I answered gently. "Lots of frost to come
yet, I daresay. Lovely time for fruit-growers--cut their noses off in
May."
"I hope not. That bugbear must have been exploded. If I come down to see
the budding year, dear George, could you--I mean, could you tell me
where to go? I want to write a paper for the R.H.S. I began one on the
Kentish pear and apple bloom last year, with a County Council lecturer
who came down that he might be certain which was which. But the wind
chopped round suddenly, and we got snowed up, and naturally all the
fruit failed that season. But the year before that, there would have
been a splendid crop, except for that gale on the 1st of September; I
daresay you remember it. When I went to make an estimate of the saving
to the country by growing its own fruit, with my usual luck I could find
no proper specimens. The walks were so strewn with green fruit that my
feet were too tender to get along among the heaps, without two men with
brooms in front of me; and even so I could scarcely get upstairs that
night. But how is our good friend Bandilow?"
"Becoming rather nervous, I am afraid. His family did their best to keep
it from him about that other poor grower towards Godalming, who made
that frightful application of his gooseberry-knife. But poor Bandilow
had a sharpish tiff with his mother-in-law, as he could not see his way
to keep her; and the cruel woman sent him full account of the inquest,
with the lunatic doctor's evidence, and the balance-sheet of several
years' jam-boiling, underlined in crimson ink. He told all the parish at
the Bell-tap on Friday, that the only plantation he should ever make now
must be in a box, and grow up into a stone."
"I hope not, I trust not most heartily," said the Earl, brushing his
eyes, for he was very tender-hearted. "But let us turn to more cheerful
subjects. I feel sadly upset about it. Let us have a glass of port."
After that he appeared a little stronger, and gladly undertook to
forward any letter of mine to a friend of his who was attached to our
embassy in Russia, and he felt no doubt that as soon as Sûr Imar
appeared in that capital, it would be placed in his hands. Without
losing an hour I wrote my letter, and left it in his charge, for there
could be no harm in being too early, whereas it would be fatal to all my
hopes, if I were even an hour too late.
My letter was short, and not too cordial; for really, when one came to
reflect upon all the circumstances, my Lesghian friends had scarcely
allowed me fair play, or so much as a chance to right myself. No man can
be sure what he would have done, in a case which has not hit him in the
breast, although we are very fond of talking so. Nevertheless, when I
put a bit of spirit into my own consideration of myself, I could not
help thinking that I would have given any one who fell into a sudden
cloud of dust with me, more opportunity to clear the dirt away, and a
fairer chance of asking from whose chimney it had come.
For weeks and weeks, I kept on waiting, looking out for anything that
might throw light on the whereabouts of my wandering friends, but
obtaining disappointment only. The mildness of the winter continued
here; but a bitter frost prevailed in Eastern Europe, and the Danube was
frozen over at the Iron Gates. Strogue heard from his friend at St.
Petersburg that the ice on the Neva was six feet thick, and they could
scarcely keep the railways open. And Signor Nicolo was compelled to hope
all he could about his nephew Jack, and comfort his daughter Rosa with
tales of a cat who lived three months in a snow-drift, and the horse who
got into a hay-rick near Durham, and ate his way out again when the
thatch began to drip. But he told me in confidence that he never was
more pleased to have a bad leg than when Jack's mother came to see him.
For sweethearts, being young, may shortly take up with another; but a
widow with one child has locked up all her reason in him.
However, there was this advantage in the long suspense and waiting, that
it gave me time to make all preparations leisurely, and get the money
ready for a costly expedition. The cash I could have had from several
quarters; Nickols, Strogue, Tom Erricker, and Stoneman, now beginning to
recover from his troubles, all in the kindest manner offered to advance
me a good round sum. But wonders, when they once set in, are like boys
playing leap-frog. Over each other's back they vault, and then down they
drop with hand on knee for a taller one to top them. And surely now came
the tallest one that ever rolled in at a tithe-barn door, or struck the
lintel of a giraffe-house.
Hitherto I have felt throughout that every word must be believed exactly
as I tell it, not on the faith of my character only, but from internal
evidence. This has made me careless perhaps; but now I mean to be very
strict, confining every vocable to its first intention, and every
numeral to its precise notation. For if any other person had related as
follows, my interjections probably would have made him knock me down!
The days were beginning to pull out a little, and the wind was gone
round to the east--as it always does, when too late to be of service for
skates, or wild ducks, or golden plovers, but in good time to kill all
bloom and foliage--and having had my bit of bacon in my Privy Council
Office (as Grace now called the harness-room), I was dwelling on my bad
luck; than which there is no messuage more insanitary for any man to
inhabit. When in came my brother Harold, with his hands in his pockets,
and his usual slouch, and soft melodious whistle. I had wanted him many
times, when I could not find him, especially to show him to Sûr Imar;
but now I could see little chance of turning him into any value.
"Not fool enough to want a fiver, I suppose," he said without offering
to shake hands, for if ever there was a careless fellow about forms,
here you had him.
"To have one to spare is what you mean to say. If a man is a fool who
wants a fiver, I know a very clever fellow, who is a great fool always.
But he can't get it out of me. _Nulla bona._"
"George," said my brother in that slurring tone, which means that any
care of pronunciation would be wasted on the muff before you; "you can
have some, if you like. But don't let me force it upon you, George.
There are several other fellows after me."
"In that case," I answered, simply for his benefit not my own--for I did
not expect to see anything worth counting; "that old tobacco-jar is
empty; out with it, and let me put the top on. Is it from the sneezers,
and the Local Board?"
"Who ever got a penny from a Local Board? If I could invent a machine
to do that, I should beat the great man in America. My sneezers, as you
call them, will be household words, when reason has a voice in
sanitation. But this new discovery is of a million times the value,
because it is for the destruction of mankind. It will kill a thousand
men, before they can call upon the Lord; and there will be no pieces
left for the Devil. I had scruples at first, because of the wholesale
carnage, and some of the victims might deserve to live; but the
kindest-hearted man alive, and the chairman of five or six humane
societies, ridicules that objection, and has taken shares. At the first
blush it may seem too strong a measure; but when you know that it puts
an end to war, you are reconciled to a few harsh moments."
There is a certain sound, enjoyed more often by bankers and brewers than
by delvers of the earth, a silken harmony of thoughtful notes, silvery
and sensitive, suggestive also of golden tones yet mellower. Seldom,
alas! do we find it thrilling through the music of our spheres. Once
heard, it is never forgotten; and now I heard it murmuring in my
tobacco-jar, as it flowed from the lyre of my brother's fingers.
"Hold hard!" I shouted. "What the deuce are you about? You villain, you
have been forging! I was sure you'd come to that. But I doubt whether
even Free-Trade makes it honest."
"Nice gratitude," he answered, "when it is all for you. One would think
that you alone had the gift of making money. But it would take you a
long time to make that, my boy. Now help yourself. Don't be shy."
"Harold, you have worked hard for this." As I spoke, I regarded my elder
brother with respectful sympathy, such as he never had inspired until
now; "and I cannot perceive that I have any right to make a hole in your
hard earnings. Do you think that I would do anything so mean? But how
much do you suppose you have dropped into that jar? If you heartily
desire to make me a little present--"
"Perhaps there may be about two-fifty there. They got up a company, you
see, to work my patent Slaughter-ball. That makes everything
straightforward. The investors throw in, to get other people's money,
and it is their own look-out about keeping their own. But peg away,
George; peg away."
"You are indeed a noble fellow." I spoke heartily and generously; when
the facts come to this, between two brothers, how can there be either
grudge or greed? "But you would only run through every penny, my dear
brother. The wisest thing probably would be for me to secure for you
some five-and-twenty."
"You had better take larger views. But I leave you altogether to your
own devices." He jerked a chair over, and put his heels upon the hob,
and whistled to the modest fire, with his back toward me.
"Fifteen, twenty, twenty-five," I said, "thank you heartily, my dear
fellow, I call it very kind of you." He gave me a nod, without stopping
his whistle, and that made me look into the jar again.
"Well, there does seem to be a jolly lot. I have a great mind to go a
little further down. In all probability, you would only waste it,
Harold." He gave me two nods this time, as if to say--"I will not deny
it, if you take that view."
"Fifty would be quite as well, while one is about it. Forty, forty-five,
fifty. Ah! you may not see me again for months, my dear fellow; even if
I ever come back alive. I am going to the most dangerous part of the
world, where they stick a thing into you they call a kinjal. Harold, we
have always been fond of one another, although we are so different.
Well, fifty then; but only as a loan, mind."
"I tell you what," he said, turning round and looking at me with
resolute authority, "I am your elder brother, George, and know more of
the world than you do. In fact, you are nothing but a farmer; and even
the Government, stupid as it is, can make game of a farmer. Now if you
don't take a hundred pounds, as a gentleman and a brother should, you
may go to the Devil, and how shall I ever see you again, while you are
there? So take your choice, and have done with it."
[Illustration: "_'I tell you what,' he said, turning round and looking
at me with authority._"]
How could I part with him on such terms? And it struck me suddenly,
that if he were going to knock over all the human race, or at least the
non-British branches of it, nothing could stand him in better stead than
to be able to say that the first-fruits of his discovery had been used
to set a true Briton upon his legs. With a grateful heart I left him at
least a hundred and fifty pounds of his money, reminding him at the same
time of that duty towards our parents, which he alone now would have the
privilege of fulfilling. He promised to leave at least fifty pounds for
that; and then he went into particulars about his "astrapebolia," as he
called his discovery for visiting mankind with a human touch from
heaven. This I could not understand, and therefore make no pretence to
remember it; for my brain is not mathematical. Only I know that he
pleased me by a promise that he would always keep behind the guns, when
he sent them into action.
He went away suddenly as he came, being always of the comet order, but
as lovable as the evening-star, whenever you could get hold of him. And
when I had clapped a patent padlock on the first product of his genius,
a dark terror seized me that my only brother, so endeared to small
people like me, by his largeness, might be tempting Providence too far,
and meddle too freely with fulminates, just as they began to pay. I
longed to write to him upon the subject; but no post ever knew where to
find him.
Then I was suddenly called away from vague apprehensions to perils at
arm's-length, and even closer than that--blows eye to eye, and cheek by
jowl, and tooth to tooth, such as a peaceful Englishman would never
face, if he could help it; but must take as the will of the Lord, when
they come. Sith it will no better be; he is sorry for himself, and does
his best to make his enemies share his dejection.
In token I need only say that when I was going on peacefully, sore at
heart with outraged love, but too proud to allow it to be mentioned, and
girding myself for the work of the spring and that duty to the earth
which a farmer must discharge even in despair of recompense--a dirty
yellow envelope was put into my hand, as I came home with two faithful
horses as tired with dragging as I was with guiding, but all of us ready
for the manger. I leaned against _Smiler's_ sweaty chest, which looked
as if lathered for shaving, and read the words which took me away from
all smiling operations, almost forever.
"Sudden news. Fear to be too late. All gone crooked. Tidal train
to-morrow. Meet me at Charing, 12.30, all packed. BAT STROGUE."
Short notice indeed for so long a journey, and not a word said about
passports. But I concluded that the old traveller would see to that
matter for both of us; and having long since prepared my friends, and
arranged home-affairs for a sudden departure, I was almost glad to
exchange suspense for even headlong action. My father was kind enough to
say that he would do the best he could without me; and Stoneman would
even have come with me, if his business could have done without him. My
mother was just what a mother should be, faithful, tearful, hopeful, and
my sister Grace implored me to forgive sayings and doings on her part,
which I had long ago forgotten. Everybody went on as if I had no chance
of being seen alive again, and yet expressed a world of confidence in
the care which Heaven would take of me.