We have received a report of a New Orleans newspaperman who took a big
swig of white mule hootch and then backed up against a bale of cotton and
said: “Come on, big boy, let’s go!”
_Adventures of Sven_
May Dear Uncle Billy: Ay taking may pen in hand with may arm in sling
from getting struck by lightning for $7.50. Ay bane working in gude
moving picture they call “FADED OVERALLS” an Ay bane nature nobleman
running ’round mountain ’bout saxteen mile an’ skol carry bull calf on
may back Ay skol pull out from landslide by hind feets. After while
it skol began to raining when faller turn fire hose on me. I skol be
standing under weeping willow tree somewhere in Montana yust back of
electric lights plant in Hollywood. When faller turn on hose, calf she
getting mad an’ start to kick an’ beller. Director he holler “Hold it,”
an’ By Golly! Ay bat your life Ay hold her lak Dickens so she aint yump
away. They got to getting tree struck by lightning in big storm so Ay
skol die hero after Ay bane cattle thief already so Director holler
“Ready,” an’ feller turn on yuice in wire that bane running from tree to
light plant. Bull calf she bane wet from hose lak me an’ yump round till
she skol getting her tail caught in crotch of weeping willow tree an’
short circuit, so when faller throw in switch juice she run down calf’s
tail an’ hit me in may neck so Ay see stars an’ moons an’ 670000.00
dollars worth moving pictures for two minutes an’ when Ay skol waking up
Ay bane in Mercenary Hospital with blondy nurse girl giving may big shot
home-made alcohol mixed with chile peppers. Ay swallowing quick an bane
be knock out ’gan for sax hour till Ay getting sober up.
Ay meeting faller hyer name Yoe Martin they call Chimpanzy. He looking
lak faller Ay used to know in St. Paul named Murphy. Yoe, he aint talk
much but he looking lak hal. He bane quiet faller an’ never going out an’
get fresh with girls. He bane in Hollywood two year an’ not skol getting
divorce yet.
Ay get introduction to girl name Sweet Patootie working on set in
Universal City. She skol kom from Fon du Lak Wisconsin because she
looking lak Theda Barrels an’ she aint skol making only nine dollar week
in laundry. Ay aint know her only ten minutes before she swiping may
watch an’ saxty cent lunch money so Ay got to walk back to Loose Angels
from Universal City. She making gude allright Ay bat your life.
Ay writing scenario called Viking Carlson, the Snus King from Stockholm.
Ay taking plot from may own life an’ Ay pay Scenario School $75.00 for
book telling how to getting rich writing play. After Ay write play faller
that running school say he skol sell him on commission. There bane more
ways to getting rich in Loose Angels than any other towns in United
States. If faller aint skol sal may play Ay skol beat hims up an’ making
may own picture. Ay play all parts an’ direct picture too. Ay can getting
gude camera from Sears Roebuck so Ay aint worry.
Work in pictures bane pretty slack yust now because most extra fallers
bane washing dishes in downtown restaurant to get fat for summer rush.
Film companies bane talking to cut down wages for actors because room
rent bane so high. Hotel keeper fallers lak to get actors out of town so
they getting more room for Nebraska farmers with money. Small room in
cellar with kitchen sink an’ towel with red fringe cost $185.00 first
month an’ $320.00 second.
Most actor fallers eating in Caffeteriá Lunch Room. Every faller march
round in line lak looking on corpse at funeral an grab yunk off counter
when you go by. After you skol eating you skol sneak out an not wash
dishes but everything else you skol do self. Some fallers name Booze
Brothers got lot of help yourself restaurants hyar an’ one day Ay go in
an’ ask for Booze and cashier girl getting mad an’ call police. She say
this bane decent place an’ we aint skol selling only orange cider made
from lemons.
Ay got offer to yoin Salvation Army hyar but tank Ay skol stay in Moving
picture business yust so long some may money hold out. The woman Ay meet
Ay told you bout in last letter that bane going to star me yust so soon
her husband go to Seattle she bane starring nother faller now so Ay get
stung.
Ay tal you more nax month about how Ay kom out in Scenario writing game.
Ay bat you when Mr. Griffith see may play he skol be surprised.
Yours truly,