E
HAT, v. i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of
mastication, humectation, and deglutition--in short, to eat. "I was in
the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat-Savarin, beginning
an anecdote. "What!" interrupted Rochebriant; "eating dinner in a
drawing-room?"
"I must beg you to observe, Monsieur," explained the great gastronome,
"that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined
an hour before."
EAVESDROP, v. i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and
vices of another or yourself.
A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free--
The subject engaging them was she.
"I think," said one, "and my husband thinks
That she 's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
"I will not stay," she said, with a pout,
"To hear my character lied about!"
Gopete Sherany.
ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it
to accentuate their incapacity.
ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for
the price of the cow that you cannot afford.
EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad,
a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a
worm.
EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos,
Rhadamanthus and Æacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely
virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues
of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the splintering
lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch
of firecrackers petulantly uttering its mind at the tail of a dog;
then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a
donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. Master of mysteries
and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of thought, his face
suffused with the dim Splendors of the Transfiguration, his legs
intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the editor spills his will along
the paper and cuts it off in lengths to suit. And at intervals from
behind the veil of the temple is heard the voice of the foreman
demanding three inches of wit and six lines of religious meditation, or
bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack up some pathos.
O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought,
A gilded impostor is he.
Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought,
His crown is brass,
Himself is an ass,
And his power is fiddle-dee-dee.
Prankily, crankily prating of naught,
Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought.
Public opinion's camp-follower he,
Thundering, blundering, plundering free.
Affected,
Ungracious,
Detected,
Mendacious,
Respected contemporaree!
J. H. Bumbleshook,
EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the
foolish their lack of understanding.
EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together
in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the
other-- which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has never
seen a dog except in pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause
of the dog.
EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in
me.
Megaceph, chosen to serve the State
In the halls of legislative debate,
One day with all his credentials came
To the capitol's door and announced his name.
The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist
Of the face, at the eminent egotist,
And said: "Go away, for we settle here
All manner of questions, knotty and queer,
And we cannot have, when the speaker demands
To be told how every member stands,
A man who to all things under the sky
Assents by eternally voting 'I'."
EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity. It is also
much used in cases of extreme poverty.
ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man of
another man's choice.
ELECTRICITY, n. The power that causes all natural phenomena not known to
be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, and its
famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque
incidents in that great and good man's career. The memory of Dr.
Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in France,
where a waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition, bearing the
following touching account of his life and services to science:
"Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This illustrious savant,
after having made several voyages around the world, died on the Sandwich
Islands and was devoured by savages, of whom not a single fragment was
ever recovered."
Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the arts and
industries. The question of its economical application to some purposes
is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved that it will
propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more light than a
horse.
ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the
methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind
the dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example begins
somewhat like this:
The cur foretells the knell of parting day;
The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea;
The wise man homeward plods; I only stay
To fiddle-faddle in a minor key.
ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color
that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear
white.
ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients foolishly
believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This ridiculous
and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth by the early
Christians--may their souls be happy in Heaven!
EMANCIPATION, n. A bondsman's change from the tyranny of another to the
despotism of himself.
He was a slave: at word he went and came;
His iron collar cut him to the bone.
Then Liberty erased his owner's name,
Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own.