Draft

Whereas it is treasonable to talk of dethroning a monarch, but there can

be no disloyalty in preventing a person not yet a monarch from becoming

one:

And whereas it is considered by very many, and seems proved by the

experience of the last ---- years that the country can do quite well

without a monarch, and may therefore save the extra expense of monarchy:

And whereas it is calculated that from the accession of George I. of

blessed memory until the decease of the most beloved of Queens,

Victoria, a period of upwards of a century and a half, the Royal Family

of the House of Guelph have received full and fair payment in every

respect for their generous and heroic conduct in coming to occupy the

throne and other high places of this kingdom, and in saving us from the

unconstitutional Stuarts:

And whereas the said Stuarts may now be considered extinct, and thus no

longer dangerous to this realm: And whereas the said Royal Family of the

House of Guelph is so prolific that the nation cannot hope to support

all the members thereof for a long period to come in a royal manner:

And whereas the Dukes of this realm are accounted liberal and courteous

gentlemen:

And whereas the constitution of our country is so far Venetian that it

cannot but be improved in harmony and consistency by being made more

Venetian still:

Be it enacted, etc., That the Throne now vacant through the

ever-to-be-deplored death of her late most gracious Majesty shall remain

vacant. That the mem-ers of what has been hitherto the Royal Family keep

all the property they have accumulated, the nation resuming from them

all grants of sinecures and other salaried appointments. That no member

of the said Family be eligible for any public appointment whatever for

at least one hundred years. That the Dukes in the order of their

seniority shall act as Doges (with whatever title be considered the

best) year and year about, under penalty of large fines in cases of

refusal, save when such refusal is supported by clear proof of poverty

(being revenue under a settled minimum), imbecility, brutality, or other

serious disqualification. That no members of a ducal family within a

certain degree of relationship to the head of the house be eligible for

any public appointment whatever; the head of the house being eligible

for the Dogeship only. That the duties of the Doge be simply to seal and

sign Acts of Parliament, proclamations, etc., when requested to do so by

the Ministry; and to exercise hospitality to royal or ruling and other

representatives of foreign countries, as well as to distinguished

natives. That a fair and even excessive allowance be made to the Doge

for the expenses of his year of office. That the royal palaces be

official residences of the Doge. That the Doge be free from all

political responsibility as from all political power; but be responsible

for performing liberally and courteously the duties of hospitality, so

that Buckingham Palace shall not contrast painfully with the Mansion

House. Etc., etc.

God preserve the Doge!

The Commission of Inquiry having thus triumphantly vindicated our

beloved and gracious Sovereign against the cruel aspersions of people in

general, and having moreover drafted a plan for obviating such

aspersions against any British King or Queen in future, ends its Report,

and dissolves itself, with humble thankfulness to God Almighty whose

grace alone has empowered it to conclude its arduous labors so speedily,

and with results so incalculably beneficial.

P. S.—Since the above report was drawn up, that ardent English patriot

and loyalist, Benjamin Disraeli, being by the grace of God and the late

Earl of Derby Prime Minister of this realm, has proposed that Parliament

shall enable her Most Gracious Majesty to assume the additional title of

Empress of India, and Parliament has so far humbly assented. Being sore

pressed by many cantankerous persons to give valid reasons for this

change, he has given reasons many and weighty; such as the earnest

desire of the princes and people of India, which desire has been so

abundantly expressed that the expressions thereof cannot be produced

lest they should overwhelm Parliament and destroy the balance of the

world in general; then the imposing authority of “Whitaker’s Almanack,”

a dissenting minister and a school-girl aged twelve: and lastly the

necessity of such a title for scaring all the Russias from India. But I

believe that in deference to the well-known modesty of her Most Gracious

Majesty he has not produced the most cogent reason of all, which is that

for her wonderful and continual goodness during the past fourteen years

in abstaining from the active functions of royalty, thus not only doing

no mischief but preparing us for a Republic de jure by habituating us to

a Republic _de facto_, she merits a great reward; and that, as she has

already more money than she knows what to do with, this reward of royal

virtue can most fittingly be rendered by her grateful subjects promoting

her to the rank of Empress. And it should be noted that whereas the old

title of Queen has a certain strength and stability in the habitudes if

not in the affections of the people, the new fangled title of Empress

has no such support, so that in assuming it our beloved monarch is but

working consistently and resolutely toward the great end of her reign,

the speedy abolition of monarchy and establishment of a Republic.