III. Thou shalt never write an unqualified sentence, or risk an
unmodified statement.
IV. Thy style shall be always in the tone of a sweet murmur or soft
whisper; a lullaby of peace for drowsy-headed Bumbledom.
V. Thou shalt write with an air of assured superiority to everybody, and
everything.
VI. Thou shalt ever bear in mind that there is no joy but calm, and that
the supreme moral excellence is good taste, which may be quite
compatible with meanness, servility, and cowardice, but cannot be
compatible with the foolish fervor of zeal.
VII. Thou shalt always mention and allude to as many persons, places,
and luxuries of high life as possible.
VIII. Thou shalt drag into every article three or four literary
citations or allusions, whether relevant or irrelevant, in order to show
to the world thy culture.
IX. Thou shalt carefully avoid mention of all ardent reformers and
unpopular thinkers, and their doings, save to lightly banter or coldly
rebuke them.
X. Thou shalt treat with profound respect and tenderness all the powers
that be, and all popular opinions, social, political and religious,
however thou mayest contemn them in thy heart; for great Bumble is the
sole lord of large circulations, and only through his continued grace
can our circulation continue to increase.
It is by assiduously conforming themselves to this most wise and holy
decalogue, that the members of the staff of the _Daily News_ have become
such rare flowers of sweetness and light; worthy of that serene
Professor of Haughty-culture, Matthew Arnold himself, ere he had
perpetrated “Literature and Dogma.”
But while, in common with all the other worshippers of the _Daily News_,
I exult in its world-wide and ever-increasing circulation, I am haunted
by a horrible fear, which I cannot conceal, but will hint and whisper as
gently as possible. When a stone falls into a pond—but no, pond is
vulgar—when a stone falls into a still lake, the first small rings are
clearly defined, but the circlings as they enlarge grow fainter and
fainter, until at length they can no more be perceived. Now, as all the
world knows, our beloved and revered Daily News, in its ever-increasing
circulation, has hitherto followed precisely the same law; and my dread
is that it will continue to do so unto the utmost extremity, becoming
ever more and more faint and undefined as the circulation increases,
until it shall altogether vanish away. It is getting so refined that I
fear it will soon be fined away to nothing; so delicate and dainty, that
it is already unfit for this rough world, whose slightest shock may kill
it; so ethereal that its complete evaporation seems imminent; so
supernal that it must surely soon disappear, absorbed into the Empyrean.
May that good God, who we have been told “will think twice before
damning a person of quality,” think many, many times before condemning
our fashionable world to such an irreparable loss!