The sponge is not, as you suppose,
A funny kind of weed;
He lives below the deep blue sea,
An animal, like you and me,
Though not so good a breed.
And when the sponges go to sleep
The fearless diver dives;
He prongs them with a cruel prong,
And, what I think is rather wrong,
He also prongs their wives.
For I expect they love their wives
And sing them little songs,
And though, of course, they have no heart
It hurts them when they're forced to part--
Especially with prongs.
I know you'd rather not believe
Such dreadful things are done;
Alas, alas, it is the case;
And every time you wash your face
You use a skeleton.
And that round hole in which you put
Your finger and your thumb,
And tear the nice new sponge in two,
As I have told you _not_ to do,
Was once his _osculum_.
So that is why I seldom wash,
However black I am,
But use my flannel if I must,
Though even that, to be quite just,
Was once a little lamb. A. P. H.
* * * * *
=HOW TO MISS THE MISSING LINK.=
We understand that an expedition will shortly leave the United States
for Central Asia in search of the Missing Link. "Aeroplanes, motor
cars, camels, mules and all means of locomotion found suitable will
be used by the anthropologists, archæologists and other scientists"
taking part.
We predict that an enterprise so opposed to all the traditions of
exploration is doomed to failure. We cannot doubt that the Missing
Link possesses a sense of smell keen enough to detect a camel or a
Ford car while yet afar off. His regrettable elusiveness is more
likely to be established than overcome when he beholds mules and
anthropologists, attended by aeroplanes and motor-cars, and possibly
whippet-tanks, motor-scooters and phrenologists. Even if there are
only nine or ten of each variety it will be enough to ensure that the
adventurers miss the Link after all.
Another aspect of the expedition should be borne in mind. The progress
through the jungle of such vehicles and personnel would cause
something like consternation among the larger fauna, whose limited
intelligence might reasonably fail to distinguish the procession from
a travelling menagerie. In these days of unrest is it right, is
it expedient, thus to stir up species hatred? It would be indeed
deplorable if the present quest were to be followed by a search party
got up to trace the missing Missing Link expedition.
Surely the old methods of the explorer are still the best. Simply
equipped with an elephant-rifle and a pith helmet, let him plunge into
the bush and be lost to sight for a few years. Whereas the Missing
Link may be relied on to remain resolutely beneath his rock at the
sight of a sort of a Lord Mayor's Show wandering among the vegetation,
the spectacle of a simple-looking traveller in the midst of the lonely
forest would rather encourage the creature to emerge from its place of
retreat.
Then nothing would remain but for the explorer to advance with
out-stretched hand (preferably the left), and exclaim, "The Missing
Link, I presume?"
* * * * *
[Illustration: A CLOSE CORPORATION.
EX-SERVICE MAN (_unemployed_). "IF YOU'RE SO SHORT OF LABOUR, WHY
DON'T YOU TAKE ME ON?"
TRADE UNION OFFICIAL. "MY GOOD FELLOW, BRICKLAYING REQUIRES YEARS AND
YEARS OF APPRENTICESHIP."
EX-SERVICE MAN. "SO DOES SOLDIERING; BUT THEY WEREN'T SO PARTICULAR
WHEN THERE WAS WORK TO BE DONE AT THE FRONT."]
* * * * *
=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.=
_Monday, October 25th_.--Sir PHILIP LLOYD-GREAME, the newest recruit
on the Treasury Bench, already answers Questions with all the
assurance of the other LLOYD G. His readiness in referring the
inquisitive to other Departments and in declining to go beyond
his brief--witness his modest refusal to discuss in reply to a
Supplementary Question the possibility of imposing a tariff in this
country--suggests that somewhere behind the SPEAKER'S chair there must
be a school for Under-Secretaries where the callow back-bencher is
instructed in the arts and crafts required in the seats of the mighty.
For this purpose I can imagine no better instructor than the
ATTORNEY-GENERAL, who combines scrupulous politeness with an icy
precision of language. Take, for example, his treatment of Mr.
PEMBERTON BILLING'S defiant inquiry if it would now be "compatible
with the dignity of the Government" to say that there had never been
any intention to bring the War-criminals to trial. "No," replied Sir
GORDON HEWART in his most pedagogic manner, "it cannot be compatible
with anyone's dignity to make a statement which is manifestly untrue."
[Illustration: A GOVERNMENT RECRUIT.
Sir PHILIP LLOYD-GREAME.
_Parliamentary Secretary to the Board of Trade._]
This week was to have been devoted, _de die in diem_, to getting on
with the Government of Ireland Bill. But the malignant sprite that has
hitherto foiled every effort to pacify Ireland again intervened, and
the House found itself called upon to discuss the Emergency Powers
Bill. The measure is a peace-time successor to D.O.R.A. (who in the
opinion of the Government is getting a little _passée_) and, perhaps
naturally, met with little approval. Mr. ASQUITH, while admitting
that something of the kind might be required, took exception to the
vagueness of its drafting. "What is 'substantial'?" he inquired.
"Ask them another!" Mr. WILL THORNE joyfully interjected. "What is
'substantial'?" repeated the EX-PREMIER; whereupon the Coalition with
one voice replied, "WILL THORNE."
[Illustration: SOMETHING "SUBSTANTIAL." Mr. WILL THORNE.]
With consummate skill the PRIME MINISTER managed to get the House out
of its hostile mood and to satisfy the majority, at any rate, that
the measure was neither provocative nor inopportune, but a necessary
precaution against the possibility that "direct action" on the part
of extra-Parliamentary bodies might confront the country with the
alternatives of starvation or surrender.
_Tuesday, October 26th_.--In these troublous times the House gladly
seizes the smallest occasion for merriment. There was great laughter
when Colonel YATE, the politest of men, inadvertently referred to Sir
ARCHIBALD WILLIAMSON as "the right honourable gent," and it broke
forth again when, in his anxiety to make no further slip, he addressed
him _tout court_ as "the right honourable."
There are some fifty thousand British soldiers in Ireland, costing
over a million pounds a month. But Mr. CHURCHILL took the cheery view
that after all they had to be somewhere, and would cost nearly as much
even in Great Britain.
They would cost a good deal more in Mesopotamia, where we have a
hundred thousand troops (British and Indian), and the cost is two
and a half millions a month. Sir WILLIAM JOYNSON-HICKS could not
understand why we should spend all this money "merely to hand the
country back to the rebels." Mr. CHURCHILL said he had heard nothing
about handing the country back to the rebels; from which it may be
inferred either that he is not admitted into all the secrets of the
Cabinet or that he draws a distinction between "rebels" and "persons
who object to British rule."
The Press campaign in favour of a nickel three-halfpenny coin has not
succeeded. In Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S opinion it would not be a coin of
vantage. Among his objections to it may be the extreme probability
that the present Administration would promptly be nicknamed (I will
not say nickel-named) "the Three-half-penny Government."
Owing to a number of concessions announced by the HOME SECRETARY the
Emergency Powers Bill had a fairly smooth passage through Committee.
Objections were still raised to making an Emergency Act permanent--it
_does_ sound rather like a contradiction in terms--but the
ATTORNEY-GENERAL skilfully countered them by pointing out that it was
only the framework of the machinery, not the regulations, that would
be permanent. One can imagine the bold bad baron who set up a gallows
to overawe his villeins comforting objectors with the remark that
after all it was merely a framework--quite useless without a rope.
[Illustration: THE BOLD BAD BARON.
_Sir Gordon Hewart_. "MERELY A FRAMEWORK--QUITE USELESS WITHOUT A
ROPE."]
_Wednesday, October 27th_.--Much pother in the Lords because the FIRST
COMMISSIONER OF WORKS had set up a Committee to advise him with regard
to the preservation of ancient monuments, including cathedrals and
churches, without first consulting the ecclesiastical authorities.
Lord PARMOOR moved a condemnatory resolution, and His Grace of
CANTERBURY, after renouncing Sir ALFRED MOND and all his works,
declared that, so far as religious edifices were concerned, the
proposed Committee was a superfluity of naughtiness with which he
personally would have nothing to do. Lord LYTTON, with that delightful
free-and-easiness which characterises the attitude of our present
Ministers towards their colleagues, observed that he could have
sympathised with the objectors if it were really intended to place
cathedrals under Sir ALFRED'S care; but it wasn't;--so why all this
fuss? Lord CRAWFORD, while sharing the Opposition's dislike of
restorers, from VIOLLET-LE-DUC to the late Lord GRIMTHORPE, could
not admit that in this matter the Office of Works had been guilty of
anything worse than a want of tact. Lord PARMOOR insisted on going
to a division, and carried his motion by 27 to 17. Despite this
shattering blow the Government is said to be going on as well as can
be expected.
[Illustration: A PILLAR OF THE CHURCH.]
What happened at Jutland? After four years' cogitation the Admiralty
does not appear to have emerged from the state of uncertainty into
which it was plunged by the first news of the battle. In February
last Mr. LONG announced that the official report would be published
"shortly," but then the German sailors began to publish _their_
stories, and these not very unnaturally differed from the British
accounts. So now My Lords have decided to leave Sir JULIAN CORBETT'S
_Naval History of the War_ to unravel the tangle and inform Lords
JELLICOE and BEATTY (who, according to Sir JAMES CRAIG, are quite
agreeable to the proposal) exactly what they and their gallant seamen
really did on that famous occasion.
_Thursday, October 28th_.--There being no Labour Party in the House
of Lords the Emergency Powers Bill passed through all its stages in
a single sitting. Even Lord CREWE did not challenge its necessity in
these troublous times, but Lord ASKWITH was a little alarmed at the
possibility that "an unreasoning Home Secretary"--as if there could
ever be such a monster!--might be over-hasty to issue Orders in
Council, and so exacerbate an industrial dispute.
A long list of "reprisal" Questions--mercifully curtailed by the
time-limit--was chiefly remarkable for Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD'S emphatic
declaration that he was not going to accept the statements even of
English newspaper correspondents against the reports of officials "for
whom I am responsible and in whom I have confidence."
Assuming that the House of Commons is, as it ought to be, a microcosm
of the population, it will be some time before this country goes
"dry." Members of all parties pressed upon the PRIME MINISTER the
necessity of relaxing the regulations of the Liquor Control Board.
His suggestion that an informal Committee should be set up to make
recommendations to the Government was received with cheers, and there
was much amusement when Mr. BOTTOMLEY and Lady ASTOR, who do not,
I gather, quite see eye to eye on this subject, promptly nominated
themselves for membership.
As the PRIME MINISTER is popularly supposed to be not averse from
appearing in the limelight, especially when there is good news to
impart, it is pleasant to record that he left to Sir ROBERT HORNE the
congenial task of announcing that an agreement had been reached with
the Miners' Federation, and that the coal-strike was on the high road
to settlement. The terms, as stated, seemed to be satisfactory to
all parties, and the only mystery is why the negotiators should have
required the stimulus of a strike before they could arrive at them.
* * * * *