MY DEAR CHARLES,--I was talking to the Editor the other day about this
correspondence of ours which we are conducting in the public Press,
thus saving the twopenny stamps and avoiding the increased cost of
living which is hitting everyone else so hard.
"This ought to be put a stop to," said he.
"That is just what I have been saying since 1918," I replied; "but the
question is what to do about it? When you get down to it, the word
'Bolshevist' is but the Russian for 'advanced Socialist,' and there is
nothing to prevent Socialists, whether they be advanced or retarded.
How then are you going to put a stop to Bolshevism?"
"I was thinking of the correspondence," the Editor replied.
So I stopped talking to him and sat down to write my last letter to
you on the subject.
To resume: In the summer of 1918 the German War Lords began to have
their doubts of a Pax Germanica and saw signs rather of a Wash-out
Germanicum. Things looked ill with them, so they consulted their
doctor, a certain person who called himself "Dr. Help-us" by way of a
jest. He proved more successful as a business man, however, than he
was as a humourist. He advised that the "War of World Conquest" was
not likely to produce a dividend, because its name was against it.
Cut out "Imperialism"; substitute another word, with just as many
syllables and no less an imposing sound, "Proletariat"; call the thing
"Class Warfare"; advertise it thoroughly and attract to it all the
political egoists of disappointed ambition in the various countries of
the enemy, and the German War Lords would find it no longer necessary
to crush all existing nations, since all existing nations would then
set about to crush themselves.
The idea was voted excellent, and the trial run in Russia gave
complete satisfaction.
But not all countries were so immediately susceptible to the idea of
a World Revolution. Victory hath its charms and does not predispose a
people to complain; so where the Masses (invested with a capital "M"
to flatter their vanity and secure their goodwill) were victorious and
content they were to be made to believe by advertisement that with
a little trouble they could become even more victorious and more
content. The KAISER and Imperialism had been disposed of; it only
remained to get rid of Capitalism and Charles. The subterranean
campaign was developed, and that is what our conspirators have since
been so brisk and busy about.
That was the programme; but it is a programme which required money.
And so at last to the Chinese Bonds.
Oh, those Chinese Bonds! How some people abroad have learned to curse
the very mention of them these last many months! I don't know where
that tiresome man, LITVINOFF, first got them from, but my poor
friends, whose business all this is, were running after them at least
ten months ago. Sometimes they were in Russia, sometimes they showed
up in Denmark, sometimes they got scent of them in Germany, and I am
told it is the merest fluke that the Bonds did not come to Switzerland
for the winter sports. And wherever they turned up they were always
just on their way to England; either they had a poor sense of
direction or, being bad sailors, were afraid of the crossing. There
was never any knowing in what corner of the earth they would next be
appearing; in fact the only country which those Chinese Bonds seemed
to have successfully avoided was China.
The first time we heard of them, I will admit that we were thrilled.
They gave a touch of reality to an otherwise over-hairy and
unconvincing narrative of conspiracy. The second time we were told of
them we were pleasurably moved. So it was true, after all, about those
Chinese Bonds?
The third time we heard of them we were satisfied; the fourth time we
heard of them we were indifferent; the fifth time bored, the sixth
time irritated, the seventh time infuriated, and the eighth time
we said to our informant, "Now look you here. We appreciate the
excitement of your mysterious presence and the soothing effects of
your hushed voice, and as long as you care to go on revealing your
secrets we will listen. You may speak of finance and you may even
touch upon British bank-notes forged by the Soviets; you may go so far
as to divulge some new forms of script involved, getting as near as
even, say, Japanese Debentures; but if you so much as mention China or
its Bonds to us again we will wrap you up in a parcel and post you
to Moscow with a personal note of warning to LENIN as to your inner
knowledge and the dangerous publicity you are giving it."
For ourselves we wrote many a learned treatise on the subject and sent
many a thousand memos home to those authorities near to whose hearts
the welfare of those Bonds should be. And after many months of this
correspondence someone in the what-d'you-call-it office suddenly
sat up and took notice and wrote to us as follows: "His Majesty's
Principal Secretary of State for Thingummy has the honour to inform
you that rumours have reached his ears concerning the existence of
certain bonds, alleged to be Chinese, in the hands of Bolshevist
agitators coming or intending to come to this country. You are
requested to ascertain and report what, if anything, is known of these
Chinese Bonds."
I could have made a story for you of the uses to which the Bonds were
put in other countries and newspapers as well as your own. But that
painfully honest journal, _The Daily Herald_, has anticipated me.
And anything more you want to know about the conspiracies or the
conspirators you may now, as I judge from reading your Press,
experience for yourself. So upon that these letters may end. I would
like to have concluded by a protestation that, in making these frank
statements as to the working of, and against, the Conspirators, I
personally draw no pecuniary benefit of any sort, not a sovereign,
not a bob, not a half-penny stamp. It is perhaps better, however, to
anticipate discovery by owning up to the fact that my frankness is
being paid for at so many pence per line.
Yours ever, HENRY.
(_Concluded_.)
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[Illustration: _Nervous Party_. "ARE YOU SURE THAT LOBSTER'S ALL
RIGHT?"
_Fishmonger_ (_on his dignity_). "QUITE RIGHT, SIR. IF IT ISN'T WE
SHALL BE HERE TO-MORROW."
_Nervous Party_. "YES--BUT SHALL _I_ BE HERE TO-MORROW?"]
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