loved; but to a man nothing is so cold as cooled affection.
YOU would fancy a girl were a species of ostrich from the amount of
flattery a man feeds her before marriage and the two-edged cynicisms he
expects her to swallow afterward.
THE average woman goes from the altar into total eclipse from which she
never emerges until she becomes a widow--since husbands never look at
their wives and other men don't dare.
[Illustration]
THE man who is most in love is most apt to get over it, just as the man
who drinks most champagne has the worst headache next morning.
ALL this talk about trial marriages seems so superfluous--considering
that marriage has always been a trial.
A MAN'S sense of honor is so peculiar that it gets out of working
condition the minute he comes near a pretty woman.
MAN--as far as his opinions and emotions go--is the noblest work of
woman.
A KISS and its thrills are soon parted--after the honeymoon.
EVERY woman is born an actress; and actresses are twice as attractive to
men as other women because they are twice women.
[Illustration]
A DARK brown "past" is sometimes a good insurance against a black
future; the man who has "seen life" is not quite so likely to be looking
for it.
HAPPINESS in marriage doesn't depend half so much on whether or not a
man keeps the Ten Commandments and goes to church as on whether or not
he keeps a pretty stenographer and comes home to dinner.
WHEN a man declares that he knows his own mind, his wife may sometimes
wonder why he seems so proud of the acquaintance.
MARRYING a widower is like inheriting an heirloom; marrying a grass
widower is like getting second-hand goods that somebody else has been
anxious to get rid of.
[Illustration]
MATRIMONY is a life job with long hours, small pay, hard work, no
holidays and no chance to "give notice" if you get tired of it.
AFTER all, a wife has her uses--even if its only as a protection against
other ladies' breach of promise suits.
A PRETTY wife in a soiled kimono affects a man like a pate de fois gras
served on an old tin plate; it takes away his appetite--for love.
IT always surprises a woman when the son who has been tied to her apron
strings suddenly gets tangled up in some chorus girl's shoe strings.
A MAN'S idea of a perfectly loyal, devoted woman is one who will deceive
another man for his sake.
[Illustration]
A GIRL'S idea of business is a place where she can meet some man who
will take her out of it.
IN THE "relation of the sexes" a man is so likely to regard his wife as
the "poor relation."
NO MAN refuses to give a good wife all the credit she deserves; but some
of them are rather shy about giving her cash to the same amount.
A WOMAN on her summer vacation soon discovers that a husband is not "a
man of letters," but a man of off-hand notes and telegrams.
A LOVER looks at women through rose-colored spectacles, an old bachelor
through blue glasses, and a married man--through a microscope.
[Illustration]
A MAN always feels deeply injured when his wife refuses to believe the
story that he has worked at all the way up in the cab to make sound
interesting and perfectly plausible.
IT inspires a man with real awe and admiration, after he has spent all
day Sunday and broken half the family tools fussing over a fractious
lock, to see his wife come along and pick it with one hand and a
hairpin.
WHENEVER a man makes up his mind to give up anything, from a woman to a
vice, it suddenly becomes so attractive to him that he begins to take a
new and violent interest in it.
THE hard part of separating from a husband or wife for summer vacation
is trying to look sorry about it when you say good-by at the station.
[Illustration]
TRAIN up a son in the way he should go--and then watch him go some other
woman's way.
MAKING hay while the sun shines is very tame sport beside making love
while the moon shines.
THE dollar sign is the only sign in which the modern man appears to have
any real faith.
IT IS a mistake to propose to a girl with whom you have been mooning all
morning on the beach until you discover whether that pang you feel is
really heart hunger or only the other kind of hunger; the two have such
similar effects.
YOU can lead a husband to the restaurant, but you can't make him order
champagne--unless it's another woman's husband.
[Illustration]
LOVE seldom follows marriage, unless marriage follows love.
WHEN a man says that "circumstances" have forced him to break his
engagement with you, it is pretty safe to conclude that "Circumstances"
wears smarter frocks or has a more fascinating way of doing her hair.
SOME bright day women will learn that it is as impossible to revive a
man's interest in a girl whom he has ceased to love as to make him want
stale champagne with all the fizz gone out of it.
ALL the great tragedies are written about the woman who isn't married to
some man, but ought to be; when as a matter of fact the most tragic
figure on earth is the woman who is married to him and oughtn't to be.
[Illustration]
THERE are two kinds of masculine hearts; the kind like a peach, soft and
impressionable on the outside, but stony at the core; and the kind like
a nut, seemingly impenetrable, but sweet and satisfying once you get
through the shell.
A MAN doesn't object to a girl who smokes cigarettes, wears three-ply
collars and calls him "old chap" because he considers her immoral, but
because he considers her just a bad imitation of himself.
A WOMAN can do nothing wrong, as long as a man is in love with her, and
nothing right after he ceases to be.
THE only way to be happy with a man is to have such blind faith that you
can believe him when he vows he never kissed another woman, even though
the scent of the last girl's sachet still clings to his coat lapel.
[Illustration]
MARRYING a woman, after you have kept her ten years waiting, is like
buying a doll that has stood too long in the showcase.
WHEN a man asks a girl for a kiss, she _has_ to refuse him, but when he
simply takes it, she has to take it, too.
NOBODY scorns a woman for marrying money or a title; what they scorn is
the sort of thing she usually marries along with it.
THE woman whom a man idealizes is the one who keeps him guessing; who
never lets him see how the wheels go round at her toilet table nor in
her heart and head.
SOME men regard home as nothing but a "rest cure."
[Illustration]
TAXING bachelors only encourages them; a man always values anything
more, even freedom, when he has to pay for it.
THERE is a time of the year when a man will pay thirty dollars for a
Panama hat that makes him look like thirty cents, and thirty cents for a
drink that makes him feel like a millionaire.
THE knots in the marriage tie which rub a man the wrong way are the
"shalt nots"; those which chafe a woman are the "ought nots."
THE social swim at present appears to be a whirlpool, wherein a man gets
soaked with either weak tea or cocktails.
IN a man's opinion a kiss is an end that justifies any means.
[Illustration]
WHEN a man makes a woman his wife it's the highest compliment he can pay
her--and usually it's the last.
THE happiest wife is not always the one who marries the best man, but
the one who makes the best of the man she marries.
"WHO findeth a wife findeth a good thing," saith the Scriptures. Well,
that's what most men are looking for nowadays.
IT isn't the big vague vows he makes at the altar which a man finds it
so difficult to keep or to get around, but the little foolish promises
he made before he ever got there.
IT IS as foolish to try to reform a man after he has lost his front hair
as to try to tame a lion after he has gotten his second teeth.
[Illustration]
IT isn't the things a man says that proves he loves you, but the things
he tries to say and can't--the things that choke right up in his throat
and leave him sitting dumb and miserable on your parlor divan.
PHYSICIANS say the heart is an organ; but by the way some men manage to
grind out the same old love songs over and over again it would seem to
be more like a street piano.
ONE whiff of an onion will do more to kill love than the breaking of the
ten commandments.
ALL a man demands of a woman is a knowledge of what she ought not to do,
what she ought not to say and what she ought not to think. All a woman
need know in order to wear a halo in her husband's eyes is how to keep
it on straight.
[Illustration]
MARRIED men should make the most successful fiction writers, because it
takes a highly developed imagination to invent a different story for
one's wife every night.
DON'T marry a man merely because he can write nice long, soul-satisfying
letters; wait until you find out if he can write equally nice long
satisfactory checks.
ONE man's folly is often another man's wife.
THE woman who makes a man perfectly happy is the one who cares just
enough to respond when he is interested and not enough to be interested
when he doesn't respond.
MARRIAGE is like twirling a baton, turning a handspring or eating with
chopsticks; it looks so easy until you try it.
[Illustration]
A MARRIED woman is always impressionable, because she has become so used
to a total abstinence from flattery that a compliment from a man goes to
her head like wine to the head of the teetotaler.
REFINEMENT is what makes a man turn on his heel and go off to the club
instead of staying at home and having a good, old-fashioned row with his
wife.
THE man who keeps his sentiment bottled up and his money lying in the
bank is so narrow that he wouldn't take a broad view of anything, even
if he saw it on a bargain counter at half price.
THE biggest, boldest man that ever lived is built like a barge, and any
little woman who puffs up steam enough can attach him to her and tow him
all the way up the river of life.
[Illustration]
A MAN is always able to restrain his jealousy as long as his wife wears
untrimmed cotton flannel lingerie.
TAKE a spoonful of violet perfume, a pound or so of lace, a dash of
music, and serve under a summer moon--and almost any man will call it
"love."
A WIFE always feels perfectly safe in going driving with her husband,
because she knows by sad experience that he will devote both hands and
all his attention to the horses.
A MAN whom wild horses cannot drag from the path of duty will sometimes
get so tangled up in a pink ribbon that he will trip and fall right out
of it.
KISSES are love's assets, quarrels its liabilities.
[Illustration]
BEAUTIES of the soul may be very fascinating, but somehow they aren't
the kind a man looks for when he invites a girl out to dinner or for a
spin in his automobile.
AN OLD maid is an unmarried woman who has more wrinkles than money.
There is nothing like a halo of gold dollars to keep a woman attractive
to a green old age.
THE things for which there is "the devil to pay," are the only sort
which most men seem to consider really worth the price.
AS a soul-companion, the main difference between a bulldog and a husband
is that the dog can't talk--and the husband won't.
A MAN loves a woman first tenderly, then madly, then dearly, then
comfortably, and last dutifully.
[Illustration]
SOME men are born for marriage, some achieve marriage; but all of them
live in the deadly fear that marriage is going to be thrust upon them.
DISTANCE lends enchantment; but too much distance between husband and
wife is sure to end by one or the other of them finding another
"enchantment."
IN THE mathematics of matrimony two plus a baby equals a family; two
plus a mother-in-law equals a mob; and two plus an affinity equals--a
divorce.
IT IS something of a shock to the sweet girl graduate who has spent her
youth in digging up the Latin roots, studying the Greek forms and
acquiring a working knowledge of French, German and Hebrew, to discover
that the only language her lover really appreciates is baby talk.
[Illustration]
WHEN a man tells his wife that he is "sorry" about anything he has done
he doesn't mean that he's sorry he did it, but that he's sorry she found
it out.
FLIRTATION is like a pink tea, harmless but not exciting; love is like a
dinner with seven kinds of wine, satisfying and exhilarating but apt to
leave you with an uncomfortable feeling that you ought to have stayed
away from it.
A MAN'S wife is something like his teeth, in that he seems to be aware
of her presence only when it becomes annoying or painful.
ONE advantage in being a married man is that you are not haunted by the
harrowing suspicion that every pretty single woman you meet may have
matrimonial designs upon you.
[Illustration]
A MAN'S sentiment is like cologne; he always offers you the cheap kind
in large quantities.
A FEW years with the "George Washington" type of husband, who goes about
with a hatchet and is too honest to flatter his wife, must make her long
for a nice, comfortable companion like Ananias.
BEING clever at repartee means being able to say at the moment the
brilliant thing which you usually don't think of until ten minutes
later.
ANALYZING your love for a woman is like dissecting a flower; by the time
you have picked it to pieces and found out what it is composed of, its
perfume and beauty are all gone. Sentimental botanists get about as much
satisfaction out of life as dietetics out of a good dinner.
[Illustration]
A SUMMER resort is a place where a man will resort to anything from
croquet to cocktails for amusement and where a girl will resort to
anything from a half-grown boy to an aged paralytic for an escort.
WHEN a man becomes a confirmed old bachelor it is not because he has
never met the one woman he could live with, but because he has never met
the one woman he couldn't live without.
MANY a man who promises before marriage to lift every care off a girl's
shoulders won't even begin by lifting the ice off the dumb-waiter after
marriage.
ONE comfort in being a woman is that you have the right to cry; when a
man sheds tears the poor thing always looks and feels as if he had been
guilty of an immodest exposure of the soul.
[Illustration]
DON'T fancy a man is serious merely because he treats you to French
dinners and talks sentiment; wait until he begins to take you to cheap
tables d'hote and talks economy.
A MAN likes a wife who appeals to his lighter side, but the average man
has so many lighter sides that no one woman could appeal to them all;
and even if she could there is always his darker side and a peroxide
blonde waiting around to appeal to it.
A WOMAN'S idea in marrying a man is that she may save his soul; his idea
in marrying her is that she may save his socks and his digestion.
PEOPLE who marry "for a joke" certainly must be blessed with an awfully
keen sense of humor.
[Illustration]
THE girl whose hair is a little too gold, whose chin is a little too
pink and whose laugh is a little too gay, apparently doesn't realize
that even a siren couldn't attract a man if she sang too loud.
THE "measure of a man" can usually be taken in half an hour's
acquaintance, but the true measure of a woman is something that is known
only to her husband and her dressmaker.
"THE worst of certainty is better than the best of doubt," says the
proverb; but when it comes to man's love for a woman the worst of
uncertainty is better for it than the best of security.
A MAN'S past is written on a slate which can be washed clean at will,
but a woman's is written in indelible ink in Mrs. Grundy's reference
book.
[Illustration]
MANY a woman who cannot be bought with any amount of gold can be won
with just a little amount of brass.
IF MEN were absolutely certain that angels wear the sort of Mother
Hubbard draperies in which they are usually painted instead of French
corsets and sheath skirts, not one of them would bother about trying to
get to heaven.
THE poet who sang of "woman's infinite variety" must at some time have
been the only young man at a summer hotel.
THE man who lets the tailor pad his shoulders is very contemptuous of
the woman who lets the dressmaker pad her skirts.
NOWADAYS love is a matter of chance, matrimony a matter of money and
divorce a matter of course.
[Illustration]
SOME men are so material that a beautiful sunset would remind them of
nothing but Neapolitan ice cream, and a flock of sheep on a green
hillside would suggest nothing more inspiring than lamb with mint sauce.
IN ancient times one drink of Lethe water made a man lose his memory and
forget even his name. Oh, well, one drink will do that nowadays--but it
isn't Lethe and it isn't water.
"JOY cometh in the morning"--but more often to the widow in second
mourning.
EVERYBODY has adopted modern improvements and new methods nowadays
except the stork, and he goes right along carrying on business in the
same old way. No wonder he has lost so much of his fashionable trade to
the up-to-date dog fancier.
[Illustration]
A PRETTY girl in a peek-a-boo waist and a Merry Widow hat on her way
downtown can sometimes create more excitement in the business district
than a Wall Street panic or a fire.
BEFORE marriage it fills a man with tenderness to have a girl slip her
hand confidingly into his coat pocket; but after marriage somehow it
fills him only with distrust.
IT is one of the mockeries of matrimony that the moment two people begin
to be awfully courteous to one another round the house it is a sign they
are awfully mad.
A MAN'S idea of being perfectly noble and honest with a woman is to be
able to make her think he loves her without indulging in any
incriminating statements to that effect.
[Illustration]
MOST women appear to think that "'tis better to have been loved and
bossed" than never to have been married at all.
DISAGREEABLE habits, like disagreeable husbands and wives, are so much
easier to acquire than the other kind and so much harder to get rid of.
A WIFE'S indignation at the women who flirt with her husband is often
tempered by her pity and astonishment that they should be so hard up as
to waste time on a man like him.
THE average husband has an idea that economy should begin at home--and
end at the corner cafe.
MANY a wife would be glad to exchange places with her cook on that
lady's salary days and her evenings off.
[Illustration]
A MAN'S idea of showing real consideration for his wife is to make sure
that she won't find out what he is doing before he does anything that
she would disapprove of.
THE first child makes a man proud, the second makes him happy, the third
makes him hustle, and the fourth makes him desperate.
WHEN a man declares that making love to a particular woman "wouldn't be
right," he really means that it wouldn't be safe; but he is too polite
to say that.
IN tragic moments we think of trifles; no doubt a girl who is being run
down by an automobile stops to thank heaven that there are no holes in
her stockings and a man that there are no incriminating letters in his
pockets.
[Illustration]
A MONTH of poker parties and summer girls can make a married man as
anxious to get his wife back home again as a diet of champagne and ice
cream would make him for a square meal of roast beef and baked potatoes.
BETWEEN lovers a little confession is a dangerous thing.
CALL a woman weak-minded and a man will wonder if you aren't jealous of
her; but call her strong-minded and he will take your word without
stopping to investigate.
THE wife who insists on being useful instead of concentrating on being
beautiful and amusing will soon find herself relegated to the shelf like
a medicine bottle, instead of being kept near at hand like a wine
bottle.
[Illustration]
THAT sad, patient smile one sees on the face of a married woman may not
come so much from heart-hunger as from a daily effort to listen to her
husband's latest joke at the same time that she pacifies the cook,
soothes the baby and looks for his lost collar button.
HOPE springs eternal in the feminine breast as long as a woman has
ambition enough to continue to curl her hair, and in the masculine
breast as long as a man has self-respect enough to keep on shaving his
chin.
THE things a man wants in a sweetheart are no more like those he wants
in a wife than the things he wants for breakfast are like those he wants
for dinner; yet he never seems to despair of warming over the light menu
and making it do for a regular diet.
[Illustration]
WHY is a woman always so jealous of her husband's stenographer when his
real affinity is just as likely to be somebody else's stenographer?
IT IS not a man's morals but the manners that make him comfortable or
otherwise to live with. A burglar or an embezzler can make his wife
fairly happy if he will be prompt to dinner, agreeable at breakfast and
will put up the portieres with a pleasant smile.
NOTHING makes a woman so green with envy and mortification as her
husband's ability to turn over and snore five minutes after they have
had an exciting quarrel.
OLD love, like old lamps, is apt to burn low and fitfully; it takes a
new heart interest now and then to keep up the glow of life.
[Illustration]
THE balance of power in the family usually goes to the husband or wife
who has the largest balance in the bank.
AMONG a man's sweethearts the first shall never be last, and the last
can always be sure that she isn't the first.
THE larger a man's girth the more expensive his flirtations; nothing but
orchids and grand opera tickets can make a girl forget real embonpoint
long enough to be sentimental.
MEN don't talk about one another as women do--perhaps because they find
it so much more interesting to talk about themselves.
A FRANK husband and a kodak fiend teach a woman that truth is indeed
stranger and more terrible than fiction.
[Illustration]
ONE touch of highball makes the whole world spin.
A MAN'S sense of honor is so peculiar that it gets out of working
condition the minute he comes near a pretty woman.
THE man who kisses a woman at the first opportunity is either a fool or
a cad; the man who waits for the second opportunity is a philosopher;
the man who waits for the third opportunity is a speculator; and the man
who waits any longer is--a freak.
THE girl who has entertained her fiance every evening for a three years'
engagement may console herself with the hope that she won't be liable to
see so much of him after marriage.
'TIS best for a man to be square, but a woman is more lucky to be round.
[Illustration]
WHEN a man has waked up the whole family and half the neighborhood
flinging empty beer bottles at a cat on the back fence he feels so
refreshed that he can go right back to sleep and snore straight through
a fire or a thunderstorm.
IN the face of a man's childlike vanity it is so difficult for a girl to
decide to be ready when he arrives and thereby look as though she had
been waiting for him, or to keep him waiting and look as though she had
been primping for him.
A MAN will tell his troubles first to his God, next to his lawyer, then
to his valet, and lastly--to his wife.
A LITTLE "absent treatment" now and then is the best tonic for conjugal
love; an ounce of summer vacation is worth a pound of divorce.
[Illustration]
IT may cause a man sincere regret to get into a foolish flirtation, but
the only thing that causes him real downright repentance is not to be
able to get out of it.
TO fascinate an intelligent man pretend to be silly; to attract a good
man pretend to be naughty; to win a fool pretend to be clever; and to
charm the devil pretend to be a saint.
A GIRL loves to spell her soul out on paper, but a man can't see the use
of writing a love-letter when he can compress his whole passion into one
paragraph on a post card.
IT is a sad fact that two people who go into matrimony with the noble
idea of sharing one another's joys and ambitions so often end by sharing
nothing but one another's towels and brushes and grouches.
[Illustration]
A MODERN love affair is something like English plum pudding: it contains
very little spice and sweetness and is mostly a matter of "dough."
A FLIRT and his conscience are soon parted.
A MAN'S idea of constancy is being perfectly devoted to some woman who
is either dead or too indifferent to demand anything of him.
THE whole art of winning at either cards or love consists in keeping a
level head and not taking the game seriously; but, alas--when a man is
playing for money and a woman for matrimony they are bound to take it
seriously.
WHEN mothers-in-law come in at the door love flies out at the window.
[Illustration]
A CLEVER woman can sometimes make a fool of a man, but it takes a fluffy
little thing with a baby face and no brains or morals to speak of to
make him make a fool of himself.
FAINT praise ne'er won fair lady.