"Well," said Padna to his friend Micus, as they sat on a donkey cart
on their way to market, "I wonder if you ever heard tell of Shauno
the Rover."
"Wisha, indeed I did not then. Who was he at all?" asked Micus.
"He was a distant relation of my own who lived in the good old
days when women stayed at home and looked after the children and
the household," said Padna. "And he was as contrary a creature as
ever mistook ignorance for knowledge, and like all of his kind he
was as happy as the days are long when he was giving trouble to some
one else. But, bad luck to him and to all like him, he was the most
dissatisfied man that was ever allowed to have all his own way, and
'tis said he could swear in seven languages, and swear all day without
getting tired.
"However, though he was queer and contrary, he was a gentleman
withal. And he was never known to use his rare vocabulary in the
presence of ladies, but would wait until their backs were turned,
like a well-trained married man, and then curse and damn them one
and all to perdition."
"And was it the way he disliked women?" said Micus.
"Not exactly, but because he couldn't find any particular one that
he could like better than another. And that was why he made up his
mind to leave the country altogether, and go to foreign parts to look
for a wife who might be different from any he might find at home,"
said Padna.
"Bedad," said Micus, "Shauno must have been a genius or else a fool,
and at times it takes a wise man to know one from the other."
"Whatever he was, or whatever he wasn't, one thing is certain, and
that is, he was an excellent actor both on and off the stage, and
could play the part of poet or peasant, king or beggar, with equal
grace and naturalness. And so it was one day, when he got heartily
sick of all the tame nonentities he had to deal with, he up and ses
to himself: 'Shauno,' ses he, 'there are enough of mollycoddles and
pious humbugs in the world without adding to their number, and unless
you will do something original now while you are young and foolish,
you are not likely to do anything but what some one else tells you
to do when you are old.'
"And without saying another word, he went straight home, dressed
himself up as Henry the Eighth, and after paying a visit to the mayor
of the town, went on board a warship that was lying in the harbour
beyond. And when the poor captain saw Shauno attired like a mighty
monarch, he got the fright of his life, and never said a word at all
until Shauno up and ses: ''Tis a fine day, Captain,' ses he.
"'I know that myself, already,' ses the Captain, 'but who in the name
of all the corncrakes in Munster are you, and what brings you here,
and what can I do for you besides flinging you overboard to the sharks
and the sea gulls?'
"'Oh,' ses Shauno, 'don't be so eager to do something you may be
sorry for. All that I want you to do is to land me in Sperrispazuka
within five days, and if you will accomplish the feat, I will raise
your wages and promote you to the rank of admiral.'
"'And who the blazes are you to come here without being invited and
give an order like that to myself?' ses the Captain.
"'Who the devil do you think I could be, or want to be, you impudent
varmint, but Henry the Eighth?' ses he. 'By all the people I have
made miserable, I'll have you lashed to the mouth of a cannon, and
blown to smithereens if you don't do what you are told. How dare you
insult the King of England and Scotland, not to mention Ireland and
Australia?' ses he.
"Then the bold Captain ses: 'I beg your Majesty's pardon,' ses he. 'I
thought you were some play actor or other who had lost his wits. So I
hope you will accept my apology for the mistake I have so unfortunately
made, and my stupidity likewise.'
"''Tis hard for me ever to forgive or overlook stupidity because,
like all religious people, I can't stand in another the faults I
have in a large measure myself. But considering that you have been
a faithful servant to the family for a number of years, I will let
you off with a caution this time. But be sure and never make mistakes
again, unless you know what you are doing,' ses Shauno.
"'Thank you for your kind advice,' ses the Captain. 'Is there anything
I can do now to please or oblige your Majesty?'
"'There is,' ses Shauno. 'Hold your tongue, put full steam ahead,
and tell the sailors not to say their prayers aloud, because I am
going to bed this very instant, and don't want to be disturbed. But
call me in the morning at eight o'clock sharp,' ses Shauno. 'And
be sure and have my breakfast ready on time. I will have a busy day
to-morrow. I must shave and read the newspaper.'
"'What will you have for breakfast?' ses the Captain.
"'One fathom and half of drisheen, six fresh eggs, three loaves of
bread, goat's ears, ostrich brains, and two heads of cabbage. And I'd
like a toothful of something to help me to digest the little repast,'
ses Shauno.
"'I suppose a keg or two of rum, or a dozen of stout, will do,'
ses the Captain.
"'As there's luck in odd numbers, you had better make it three dozen of
stout,' ses Shauno. 'And if I feel like any more, I'll let you know.'
"Well, the old fool of a captain really thought he was Henry the
Eighth, and he did everything that Shauno told him, until they reached
Sperrispazuka.
"And when the mosques and the turrets of the city hove in sight and
the ship once more lay at anchor, Shauno trod the deck with pride and
ses to the Captain: 'Captain,' ses he, 'allow me to compliment you
on this marvellous achievement. I never before made the journey in
such a short space of time, and in honour of the event I will make
you a present of two-and-sixpence and make you a Knight of Columbus
besides. But before I will take my leave of yourself and the ship,
I want a royal salute of twenty-one guns to be fired and burst every
pane of glass in the town beyond with the noise. A shout is better
than a whisper if you want to be heard, and we all get more by asking
for what we want than by remaining silent.'
"'Anyhow,' ses he, 'half the world is living on its wits, or by
bluff, if you will, and the other half enjoys itself, so to speak,
at the expense of inequality, non-fraternity, and suppression of the
people's rights. Yet for all that, most of the well-fed and superfine
humbugs we meet every day seem to be as happy and contented as if
they deserved to be. And all you have got to do to convince yourself
that the wisdom of man has not interfered with the extravagance of
women is to look at the way they dress, or look at your bank book at
the end of the year if you are married. But be all that as it may,
I think that I have said enough, for talk is always cheap, and 'tis
doubtful if anything that's cheap or given away for nothing is ever
appreciated by the discerning or the undiscerning.'
"'And now,' ses he, 'as I have but a few more words to say, I would
advise you, one and all, to be decent to each other while you can,
because a time will come when you can't. And 'tis better to do a
foolish thing now than to be sorry for not doing it later. On the
other hand, 'tis a wise policy to refuse anything you may be offered
for nothing, because a compliment bestowed is always like a millstone
around a man's neck. Independence, of course, is a fine thing, but it
is always purchased at too high a price. And a state of independence
is only acquired by either cheating yourself or some one else.
"'But nevertheless,' ses he, 'the man who always thinks of himself
first is the last to be neglected. And the man who don't hold his
tongue when he has nothing to say is nearly sure to make a fool
of himself. Howsomever, the time is now come for me to make my
departure. So let loose the guns,' ses he, 'and fire the Royal Salute.'
"And lo and behold! the Captain obeyed his orders, and such noise was
never before heard in the harbour of Sperrispazuka. And when silence
was resumed Shauno whispered to the Captain and ses: 'I'm going to
sojourn here for a month or two, and I'll send a telegram to you to
call for me when I am ready to return.' So with that they shook hands
and parted.
"And when the ship sailed away, Shauno went ashore and walked around
the town until he found a menagerie. Then he hired a complement of
one hundred elephants, and numerous pages and attendants, flags,
banners, caravans, and the devil knows what."
"And what did he want the elephants for?" said Micus.
"He was going to visit the Shah," said Padna, "and he wanted to make
a good impression. And when all the elephants were placed one after
another in a line, he took the place of honour himself on the back
of the first and largest of the great brutes. And as the procession
passed on its way through the town to the Shah's country home, the
House of Ten Thousand Windows, everybody--men, women, and children
alike--stopped in the streets and took off their hats, thinking that
Shauno was the King of England, and he was beginning to think so too,
or at least that he was as great an old bla'guard as Henry himself. But
when he arrived at the castle gates and found the Shah sitting on his
tombstone feeding the pigeons, he was sorely disappointed, because
he expected a royal escort to meet him outside the courtyard.
"The Shah was kind of startled when he saw Shauno and his staff, and
nearly lost his temper and ses: 'Who in the name of the few decent
people that a man meets in the course of a lifetime, are you? And
who the devil owns these Irish terriers?' ses he, as he pointed to
the elephants.
"'Wisha, bad luck and a dozen daughters to you,' ses Shauno, 'what do
the likes of you mean by offering insults to a distinguished foreigner
like myself? If you read the newspapers as you should, you would know
that I was Henry the Eighth, and that these quadrupeds are neither
Irish terriers nor mosquitoes, but elephants.'
"'Is that so?' ses the Shah. 'Wait till I will put on my glasses. My
sight is somewhat impaired from reading the names of all my wives and
their pedigrees.' And then he put on his glasses and ses: 'Bedad,
sure enough, they are not Irish terriers at all, but real live
elephants. And 'tis yourself is no one else but Henry the Eighth. I
hope to be excused and forgiven for my mistake.'
"'I'll forgive you this time,' ses Shauno.
"'Very well,' ses the Shah, 'you might as well come inside and sit down
if you are in no hurry, and we will see if we can't enjoy ourselves,
and I will get my servants to look after the terriers, I mean the
elephants, while we'll make merry.'
"'The devil a hurry, or a flurry, am I in,' ses Shauno. And with
that they adjourned to the Shah's drawing-room, and when they were
comfortably seated in two armchairs, the Shah rang for a servant
to fetch the decanter and a pack of cards. And when the cards were
placed on the table, the Shah grabbed them up and ses to Shauno:
'What is it going to be? A game of Forty-Five, or what? There's
nothing like a game of cards to pass a dull hour among dull people.'
"'Forty-Five, of course,' ses Shauno, as he poured out a glass of
whiskey for himself and another for the Shah.
"'Right you are,' ses the Shah. 'There's nothing to beat a game of
Forty-Five, except a good game of bowls on a hard straight road on
a winter's day. Howsomever, I won't give you a demonstration on the
art of bowl-playing now, but I will show you how to deal the cards
in the true Carrigaline fashion, as introduced by the King of Spain
while he was here on a visit many years ago.'
"'Bedad,' ses Shauno, 'I think the Clonakilty, or the Skibbereen
deal is just as good, but as they are all the same, we won't allow
the matter be a subject for discussion.'
"The cards were duly dealt, and the Shah ses to Shauno: 'What will
we play for at all?' ses he.
"'Small stakes for a start, of course,' ses Shauno. 'I'll back every
ship in my navy against every ship in yours, if you don't mind.'
"'Done,' ses the Shah, as he placed the decanter on his head and
finished the whiskey. Then they took off their coats, and after
an exciting game the Shah won. Shauno was very much surprised and
disappointed, and said as he pointed to the decanter to have it filled
again: 'Damn the bit of luck have I had since I met a red-headed widow
two months ago first thing on a Monday morning, and I'm afraid I will
never have any luck again.'
"'I wouldn't worry about that, if I were you. We will be all dead
one day, and then we won't know whether we were lucky or not,' ses
the Shah.
"'That's cold comfort, as the cat said after she jumped into the
freezing water when chased by a mad dog. I have ruined my country by
my extravagance. She is no longer Mistress of the Seas, and though
that may be a consolation to Germany, it will lose for me a good deal
of prestige. Howsomever, I am not dead broke yet, and even if a man
is dead broke inself, there is no reason why he should go whining
about it. A good gambler never cares whose money he spends or how
much he loses. I will now,' ses he, 'back Ireland against what I have
lost and keep up the custom of my country by treating the Irish with
contempt and injustice. So let us play again.'
"'Good,' ses the Shah. 'We'll play again.'
"'I'll give them the tinker's deal for luck this time,' ses Shauno.
"'As you please,' ses the Shah. ''Tis all the same to me, so long as
I win. A good gambler never cares how much he takes from his friends,
or how many people he makes miserable.'
"This time they played a great game, but Shauno lost again, and it
made him more angry than ever.
"'Now,' ses he, 'that I have lost Ireland, it doesn't matter
what happens to the rest of my territory. We'll play one game of
Twenty-Five, and I'll back my boots, my meerschaum pipe, five ounces
of tobacco, and Australia against Ireland and my fleet.'
"'Don't you think you are getting reckless?' ses the Shah.
"'I may be,' ses Shauno. 'But I might as well be hanged for a sheep as
a lamb. And one poor man more or less won't make much difference. On
with the game. Philosophy is only a comfort to a man when he isn't
in a state of desperation.'
"'As you will,' ses the Shah. 'Anything at all to please you.'
"So the cards were dealt once more and they played a game of
Twenty-Five, and the Shah scored.
"Shauno lost his temper and commenced to swear and break up the
furniture, but the Shah only looked on and smiled. Then Shauno flung
a chair at him, and ses: 'You bleddy foreign rascal, sure 'tis myself
that's the fool for having anything to do with the likes of you. I'll
never be able to face home now, after all the misfortune I have had.'
"'Oh,' ses the Shah, 'I wouldn't behave like that if I were you. 'Tis
undignified to appear natural in the presence of strangers. We should
always reserve ingratitude and bad treatment for our friends. You
are a little upset, of course, for losing what didn't belong to you,
but you will feel all right again as soon as you will begin to acquire
what you don't deserve.'
"'If I had my own way,--' ses Shauno.
"'If we all had our own way, the little glimmer of democracy and
decency that we see struggling for existence occasionally would
disappear for ever,' ses the Shah. 'Howsomever, don't be downhearted,
but take a good drop of poteen, and 'twill give you all the false
courage that any man wants.'
"And then he produced a small keg of the best poteen, and they drank
glass after glass, and sang all the songs they could remember, from
'The Croppy Boy' to the 'Bard of Armagh,' until they fell on the
floor and had to be taken to bed.
"And there they slept for two days and three nights, and on the
morning of the third day, Shauno woke up with a bursting headache,
and asked the Shah if he was still alive and in the land of the
living. And the Shah was surprised that a real aristocrat should be
so upset and affected by a night's innocent amusement. Well, they had
breakfast together, and after the repast, the Shah took Shauno to see
the sights, and when they arrived at the Royal Harem, Shauno fainted
when he saw all the wives the poor Shah had to look after. It took him
two weeks to count them all, and at the end of that time the Shah ses:
'Well,' ses he, 'how many would you like to take for a present? You
can have all you want, because I am expecting another shipload next
week as a Christmas box.'
"'Thanks for your kind offer,' ses Shauno. 'But I am cured now. I have
made up my mind to go home and live in peace, and remain a bachelor
for the remainder of my days.'
"'Oh,' ses the Shah, 'I think you should at least take one, and she
will help to remind you of your visit to the Shah of Sperrispazuka.'
"''Tis only too well that I know that, but I have seen all I ever
want to see of women,' ses Shauno. 'But I'll tell you what you can
do without offending me, or hurting my tender feeling in any way.'
"'What may that be?' ses the Shah.
"'You can loan me a million sovereigns to show there is no ill feeling
between us, and send me home in one of your first-class battleships. Of
course, I must travel as a private gentleman, and when I will arrive
home, I will get my poet laureate to write an ode to your generosity.'
"'I'll loan you all you want,' ses the Shah.
"So there and then he took out his bank book and gave him a cheque for
the full amount, and on the morrow Shauno sailed away for England in
one of the swiftest ships that ever went to sea, and the Shah never
heard of him from that day to this."
"That's the devil's own queer yarn," said Micus. "What did the Shah
do when he found out that he had been fooled?"
"Oh, he was as cross as a bag of cats, of course, and retired to
the banquet hall of his castle, sent for all his wives, and made
this speech:
"'Ladies of all shapes and sizes,' ses he, 'I have good news for you
this blessed day. I'm going to make widows of every one here present,
and all those who couldn't gain admittance to this large and spacious
hall as well.'
"And when they heard what he said, they all burst forth into uproarious
applause, and began to fling chairs, benches, stools, ink-bottles,
and hairpins at each other. In short, they created the devil of a
hullaballoo entirely, and they might have set fire to the place,
only he threatened to send for the police. Well, when silence and
order was restored, he continued and ses:
"'Ladies,' ses he, 'you will be all glad to hear that I have been
fooled and cheated by an impostor, and as I have proved conclusively to
my own satisfaction that I am too foolish to live, I have made up my
mind to die. Yes, ladies, and to die by my own hand too. But as many
of you as possible must have something to remind you of married life
and a devoted husband who is about to begin his troubles in the other
world by ending his troubles in this. Now,' ses he, 'come forward,
one and all, and let each of you pluck a hair from my leonine head,
and keep it in a locket as a souvenir until you will go home to the
devil, or wherever else you may be destined for.'
"And as the last few words were spoken, he bent down his head, and
his wives came along in single file to comply with his request, and
before an hour was at an end, the Shah of Sperrispazuka was as bald
as a snowball."
"And wouldn't it be easier for him to get a scissors and cut his
hair and then distribute the locks, than to do anything so foolish,"
said Micus.
"Wisha, I suppose it would," said Padna. "But we all do foolish things
when we are upset or excited. Well, when that part of the ceremony was
all over, he ses, as the tears came to his eyes: 'Ladies,' ses he,
'I have no more to say. My hour is come and I am ready to die. I
have here with me on this table a cocktail which is a concoction of
ground green bottles, prussic acid, and black beetles mixed with some
cheese that was refused by the soldiers at the fall of Rome, and if
that won't send me to glory or perdition, may I never again drown
one of you in the Canal for losing your beauty. However,' ses he,
'as a last request I would ask you to control your emotion. Let there
be no singing of the National Anthem, no dancing of jigs, drinking
or carousing, breaking of windows or skulls, or any other patriotic
manifestation of public grief, until I am cold in my grave.'
"And then he lifted the fatal glass to his lips and drained its
contents to the dregs, and so passed away the Shah of Sperrispazuka."
"I feel like having a drink of something, myself," said Micus.
"So do I," said Padna. "I think we'll stop when we'll come to the
Thrush and Magpie."
"As you please," said Micus.