"What are you doing there?" said Padna Dan to Micus Pat, as he watched
him sifting sand between his fingers as he stood on the shore of
Bantry Bay.
"I'm doing what nobody ever thought of doing before and what no
one may ever think of doing again," said Micus. "I'm counting the
pebbles of Bantry Bay from Dunboy to Glengarriffe. And that's more
than Napoleon thought of doing."
"And why should you be doing the likes of that?" said Padna.
"Well," said Micus, "when they're all counted, I'll know more than
before and be as famous as the King of Spain himself."
"You might as well be trying to count all the blades of grass from
Dunkirk to Belgrade, but you'd be dead and forgotten long before you'd
have as much as the ten thousandth part of half of them counted,"
said Padna.
"What do you know about counting pebbles or the red skeeories that
does be on the white thorn-bushes in the month of August?" said Micus.
"As much as any sensible man wants to know," said Padna. "If you
want to be really foolish, you ought to leave the pebbles alone,
and start counting all the grains of sand in the world."
"I'll count the pebbles first," said Micus.
"'Tis only vanity that makes a man do what every one else is too
sensible to do," said Padna. "But 'tis better to be foolish itself
and get married than to be so vain that you don't know you're foolish."
"And why should I get married?" said Micus.
"Well," said Padna, "a man's wife is always a great comfort to him
when he wants to get fed, when he's sick in bed and requires nursing,
or when he's too well off and suffers from discontent. Besides,
'tis a great thing to have a wife to quarrel with when you're afraid
of quarreling with any one else."
"And why should I quarrel with my wife without reason if I had one?"
"Abuse, you know, is the great safety valve that keeps the world
from exploding, and if you won't abuse your wife, she'll abuse you,"
said Padna, "and isn't it better to be first than last in anything?"
"I don't think so," said Micus. "I'd rather be the last than the
first man to meet a widow looking for a husband."
"And why?" said Padna.
"There's no escape from widows," said Micus, "whatever accidents
might happen with inexperienced young women."
"There's something in what you say," said Padna. "Perseverance,
pugnacity, and stupidity are necessary for success if you aren't
cursed with intelligence and good breeding. And you can get any young
woman without money to marry you against her will, but if you're wise
enough you won't. I need not tell you that lovers are only sensible
when they commence wondering at the foolishness of their own children."
"A man thinking about getting married should have two women to
choose from."
"And why, might I ask?"
"Well, because if he lost one he could have the other, and if he
lost both he would know what it is to be lucky. Marriage, you know,
always makes one master and two slaves."
"'Tis too bad that there should be any slaves."
"It is, but while men will marry for love, and women for money,
we cannot expect a change in our social conditions."
"There will be no change in the world while men suffering from
indigestion will marry cooks."
"That's a wise thing for a sensible man to do. A cranky and delicate
man should marry a nurse, a man always out of employment should marry
a dressmaker, and a man fond of quietness and reading should live
with a married sister, if she has no children."
"Wisha, after all's said and done, there's nothing worse nor better
than being a bachelor, as the case may be. 'Tis better to be a
bachelor, I'm thinking, for you may go to your grave without being
disillusioned. But when a man's dead, it doesn't matter whether he
was married or not, or shot by an ivory-handled revolver or died
from rheumatics."
"A man suffering from rheumatics should be mindful of the westerly
gales, and the frosts of winter, and keep from eating salty beef and
tomatoes. I think a rheumaticky man should get married, but should
not marry a woman with a tendency to gout. And 'tis always well to
marry an orphan because there's nothing worse than mothers-in-law,
except sisters-in-law, and they're the devil entirely."
"To change the subject," said Micus, "I don't think it is fair to
catch lobsters at night. No one wants to be disturbed in their sleep."
"If you look at things like that," said Padna, "you'll never be happy,
and though it isn't easy to please myself, I think 'tis a grand thing
entirely that all caterpillars are vegetarians."
"I don't think we should waste time talking about caterpillars. They
never do anything but eat cabbage and cause gardeners to use bad
language. Of course, the history of a buffalo or a butterfly is a
wonderful thing, but if elephants were to grow wings we wouldn't take
any notice of canaries, bees, or water hens," said Micus.
"I'd give a lot of money to see a flock of elephants flying over the
Rock of Cashel," said Padna.
"That would be a great thing for the newspapers and the moving
pictures, though perhaps a dangerous thing for people of a nervous
disposition," said Micus.
"And 'twould be the devil of a thing entirely if they forgot to fly."
"Nervousness is a curse or a blessing, according to the individual,
of course. The evil that some men do lives after them, and the good
does be interred with their bones."
"That's true, but when men do neither good nor harm they might as
well keep out of politics altogether. No man is as wise or as foolish
as he thinks he is, and if you were to capture all the stray thoughts
that does be floating about in your head and put them down in writing,
you'd be the greatest curiosity that ever was."
"When a man loses a button," said Micus, "he should immediately sew
it on for himself, if he couldn't get any one to do it for him."
"Selfishness is the basis of success," said Padna.
"To give away what you don't want is wisdom without generosity,
and to keep what is of no use to you is the worst kind of folly."
"Fighting is a natural instinct, and to fight for what's yours,
be it honor or property, is a noble thing, but to fight for what
doesn't belong to you is both dangerous and foolish."
"That's so indeed. I saw two crows fighting for a crust of bread that
a child dropped in the street, and they didn't cease until both had
their eyes picked out."
"And who got the crust?"
"A sparrow who came along while they were fighting, and devoured it."
"Then the crows without knowing it became philanthropists."
"Well, 'tis better to make mistakes if some one benefits by them than
to make no mistakes at all. I think I'll go on counting the pebbles
and leave you to find a philosophy for yourself," said Micus.
"Well," said Padna, "when a man can content himself by being foolish,
'tis only a fool that would be a philosopher."