"I wonder," said Padna Dan to his friend Micus Pat, as they strolled
along a country road together, "if you ever heard the story of the
King of Montobewlo."
"Who the blazes is or was the King of Montobewlo?" said Micus.
"The King of Montobewlo was such a man as you only meet once in
a lifetime, and if you will only hold your tongue and keep quiet,
I will tell you all about him," said Padna.
"I'll hold my tongue, of course," said Micus.
"Well," said Padna, "the King of Shonahulu was getting old and cranky,
and the poor devil suffered badly from frost-bite and rheumatics
besides; so he up and ses to Hamando, who was his chief cook and
private secretary: 'Hamando,' ses he, 'I think I must have a change
in my dietary. What have you for dinner to-day?'
"'I have nothing in the way of dainties,' ses Hamando. 'The last
missionary was boiled with the cabbage yesterday.'
"'That's too bad,' ses the King. 'There seems to be a great scarcity
of missionaries in these parts lately. I wonder whatsomever can be
the reason at all.'
"'There must be some reason,' ses Hamando, 'because there is a reason
for everything, even for unreasonable things.'
"'That's a fact, bedad,' ses the King, as he killed a mosquito on
Hamando's nose with a cudgel, and stretched poor Hamando flat on
the ground.
"'Wisha,' ses Hamando, as he picked himself up after the unmerciful
clout he got, 'I suppose it must be the way the English people are
learning sense at last and keeping them at home to look after the
suffragettes, or else that England has as much land as she is able
to control.'
"'I don't think that can be the reason,' ses the King. 'What does it
matter to England whether she can control a place or not, so long as
she owns it. Take Ireland, for instance.'
"'Yes, bedad,' ses Hamando. 'England can blunder magnificently when
dealing with Irish affairs. And her wonderful stupidity has lost her
not only all the Irish in America, but the Irish in other countries
as well. However, the English are a far-seeing and a very polite
class of people, and that's why they send out pious and well-meaning
missionaries to lay the foundation stones, so to speak, of the Empire
beyond the seas.'
"'True,' ses the King. 'And 'tis an ill wind that blows nobody good,
as the Devil said when the forty tinkers of Ballinderry were lost at
sea. Nevertheless, there's no one likes the missionaries better than
ourselves, even though I do say so myself.'
"'Very true, indeed,' ses Hamando.
"'By the way,' ses the King, 'was the last one we had for dinner a
Scotchman or a Welshman?'
"'I don't know,' ses Hamando. 'He spoke like a Yorkshireman, but he
tasted like a Dutchman.'
"'I'm tired of foreigners like the Dutch,' ses the King, 'and I
wouldn't mind having an Irishman for dinner to-day if you could
secure one.'
"'I don't believe there's an Irishman to be had for love, money,
or an argument,' ses Hamando.
"'Nonsense, man,' ses the King. 'Do you think 'tis in Jupiter or Mars
you are? There's only one place where you can't find an Irishman,
and you'd find one there too, only the Devil likes to have his own
way in all matters. But no more old palaver, and search my dominions
at once, and if you can't find an Irishman, I'll make vegetarians of
each and every one of my loyal subjects.'
"'I'll do my best to oblige you,' ses Hamando, and away he went to
the Prince of Massahala, who was also Commander-in-Chief of the Army,
and Secretary for the Colonies, and there and then the Prince gathered
his army of ten hundred thousand men, and searched the mountains,
and the valleys, and the caves and the hills, and the towns and the
villages, but no trace of an Irishman could he find. And when he
returned and told the story of his exploits and adventures to the
King, there was never such ructions on land or sea. The King, who was
never a man of mild disposition, nearly exploded from the sheer dint
of anger, and he up and ses as his eyes bulged out of their sockets:
'Do you mean to tell me that there isn't a single Irishman to be had
in all my dominions?'
"'We've searched high up and low down, but couldn't find a trace of
one anywhere,' ses the Prince.
"'Was it the way you were all blindfolded?' ses the King, and he looked
as though he was about to hand them over to the State Executioner,
and order their skins to be sold for making gloves for the ladies of
Paris, Ballingeary, and the United States.
"'Are there any Jews within the borders of my territory?' ses he.
"'There are two Jews for every fool in the community,' ses the Prince.
"'Well, then,' ses the King, 'there must be an Irishman about
somewhere. And I'm thinking there is a leak in your memory, or else
your education was sorely neglected. You should know at this hour
of your life, if you know anything at all, that the Irish race was
destined by Providence to make things easy for mankind in general,
but the Jews in particular.'
"When the Prince heard this, he told his men to get ready for the
road, and he marched at the head of his army to where the Jews were
located, and sure enough, there he found the one and only Irishman in
the whole country, and he brought him before the King. And when the
King laid his optics on him, he up and ses: 'Holy smoke and tailors'
trimmings,' ses he, 'where did you bring that red head from?'
"'Oh,' ses the Irishman, 'I never even asked myself that question,
but I dare say I must have brought it from Denmark.'
"'From Denmark?' ses the King with surprise.
"'Yes,' ses the Irishman; ''twas my great-grandfather's
great-grandfather's great-grandfather's father who killed Brian Boru
at the Battle of Clontarf.'
"'Is that a fact?' ses the King.
"''Tis a solid fact,' ses Cormac McDermot, for that was his name.
"'Well, be the seven pipers of Ballymacthomas,' ses the King, 'that
bates Bannagher. The man who killed Brian Boru was no slaumeen, by
all accounts. And I like nothing better, when my day's work is done,
than to read the exploits of Brian, and his compatriots the Knights
of the Red Branch, for herself and the children.'
"'Are you fond of reading?' ses Cormac.
"'There's nothing gives me more pleasure,' ses the King, 'except
teaching my chef to cook a Scotchman, and 'tis as hard to catch as
'tis to cook one.'
"'I have heard of a Scotchman who was caught one time,' ses Cormac.
"'When he was dead, I suppose,' ses the King.
"'Yes,' ses Cormac.
"'The time is flying, and a man gets hungry, and angry likewise,
and there you are gabbing away, and myself waiting for dinner for the
last three hours, and you showing no consideration for me at all. What
way would you like to be cooked?' ses the King. 'You must be killed
first, of course, though sometimes we does the cooking and the killing
together, without as much as wasting a word about it. Howsomever,
I am always lenient to the Irish, for I have an English strain in my
temperament, and that's why I am giving you your choice in the matter
of cooking.'
"'Well, bedad, to tell the truth, I'm not a bit particular about the
cooking, but I am a trifle concerned about the killing. And before
you will send me to my grave, I would like your Majesty to grant me
one request,' ses Cormac.
"'And what's that?' ses the King, as he looked at his watch, for he
was getting hungry and impatient.
"''Tis that I will be allowed to sing my swan song, so to speak,
before I will die.'
"'Sing away to your heart's content,' ses the King. And the words
were no sooner spoken than Cormac commenced to sing 'The Valley Lay
Smiling Before Me,' and when he finished the last verse, there wasn't
a dry handkerchief in the multitude that gathered around.
"'Bedad,' ses the King, 'that was well sung, and we'll have "The Bard
of Armagh," now, if you please. 'Twas my poor mother's favourite song.'
"And when Cormac finished, the King shook hands with him and thanked
him for his singing and in the same breath said 'good-by' as he was in
a hurry to have him cooked for supper. Well, there wasn't much of the
fool about Cormac, so he up and ses to the King: 'If I am causing your
Majesty any inconvenience, I am sorry, but as one good turn deserves
another, I think it is only fair to tell you that whoever eats even
the smallest piece of myself, either raw or cooked, will immediately
be turned into a tombstone like you'd see at Monasterboice. And after
four-and-twenty hours, shamrocks will sprout on them, and then a great
wind will spring up and scatter the leaves of the shamrock all over
your territory, and whenever a leaf will fall on any of your subjects,
they will be instantly turned into Irishmen, and then may the Lord
have mercy on the foreigners.'
"'Is it the truth you are telling, you foxy rascal?' ses the King,
and he looks very uneasy too.
"'If you don't believe me, why don't you kill me and find out?' ses
Cormac. 'I'm nearly tired of living anyway.'
"The King got the fright of his life when he heard what Cormac said,
and never another word did he utter about the killing or the cooking
either, but ses he, when he recovered: 'Give us another song,' ses
he, and then and there Cormac started 'Then You'll Remember Me,'
and the King was so much impressed that he told Hamando to fetch some
tea, biscuits, and missionary sandwiches, for he thought Cormac was
looking fatigued. And when Cormac ate the biscuits, drank the tea,
but refused the sandwiches, because it was Friday, he thanked the King
for his thoughtfulness, and said that he was glad to see His Majesty
upholding the true Christian principles by treating his enemies
with such consideration. 'Anyway,' ses he, ''tis always good policy
to be on friendly terms with your enemies, or those who are likely
to become your enemies. But always beware of diplomats,' ses he,
'because diplomacy is only a wolf in sheep's clothing.'
"'That's so,' ses the King, as he sharpened a pencil and drew a map of
his dominions. 'Now,' ses he, 'I'm going to make you a little present,'
and there and then he cut off three-fourths of his country and gave
it to Cormac. 'You can plant a hedge of skeeory bushes to divide
our lands, and I will now make you King of Montobewlo, in presence
of Hamando and myself. And I'll appoint you General Inspector of
Cruelty to Animals, Children, and Insects besides. But,' ses he,
'it is absolutely necessary that you should become a real black man
first, so you might as well strip off now, and have yourself washed in
Injun ink, and you can send your old clothes to the King of Portugal,
because he is out of a job at present, and it may be a long time
before he gets one.'
"'I'll be only too pleased to send him my old clothes,' ses Cormac,
'because 'tis only right that kings should help each other, and have
benefit societies like the bricklayers, and the market gardeners.'
"Well, when Cormac was washed in a tub of Injun ink, he was the
purtiest-looking black man that ever was seen. And when his innumerable
subjects saw his bulging muscles and red head, they were so impressed
that some of them died of shock, but Cormac, like the decent man he
was, had them all buried with military honours. His coronation was the
grandest affair that ever was, and when the ceremony was all over,
the King up and ses to him: 'Cormac, King of Montobewlo,' ses he,
'how many wives do you want? Three hundred or three thousand?'
"'Ten thousand thanks for your kind offer,' ses Cormac, 'but for the
good of my nerves, and my people in general, I think I'll remain
a bachelor. Of course,' ses he, 'wives are only women anyway, and
where there are women there is jealousy, and where there's jealousy
there is trouble. Women,' ses he, 'are all right to look at, but they
are best when left alone. It will give me all I can do to look after
the affairs of state, without bothering or trying to find out which
of my wives might be telling the truth. But nevertheless,' ses he,
as he took a scissors and clipped several slips of his red locks,
'you can distribute these among the ladies as a token of my regards
and friendship. And now,' ses he, 'to show I harbour no ill feelings,
if you want any more, I will be only too delighted to give what I
can spare for planting on any of my subjects with bald heads.'
"And so the days and the years slipped away, until he got as fat as
a cow in clover from eating whales, elephants, and cockroaches. Then
great wisdom came upon him, and he up and ses to the King one day,
after they searched the whole country for a Jew, and couldn't find one,
for they all emigrated to the United States to look after the Irish:
'Economy,' ses he, 'is one of the fundamental principles of good
government, and that being so, let us put it into practice. We are
getting old,' ses he, 'and the missionaries come here no longer. And
we have eaten all the produce of the land in the way of live stock,
but nevertheless our subjects must be provided for. Now,' ses he,
'I propose that all over fifty years of age should be killed, boiled
or roasted, as the case may be, according to law, for the maintenance,
sustenance, and nourishment of the others. Anybody over fifty years,
unless he be a policeman or a king, isn't much good constitutionally or
otherwise; and as all our subjects are the property of the government,
there is no reason why we shouldn't do what we like with them.'
"'Of course, we can do what we please with them, and I think you
deserve a raise in your wages for conceiving such a wonderful idea,'
ses the King. 'Not only would we do our people a great justice by
providing them with the very best kind of victuals, but we would save
them funeral expenses besides.'
"'That's so,' ses Cormac, 'and any true philosopher must know that
'tis better that we should eat each other than that the worms should
eat us. Anyway,' ses he, ''twill be all the same in a hundred years,
as the Duke of Argyle said to the Leprechaun.'
"Well, the new law was duly enforced, and the age limit reduced to
suit circumstances, and in less than ten years there wasn't any one
left but Cormac and the King."
"Bedad, that's a strange story," said Micus. "I knew that an Irishman
could become anything from a poet to a policeman, but I never heard
of one becoming a cannibal before."
"Cormac didn't become a cannibal at all," said Padna.
"And how did he escape?" said Micus.
"He escaped by becoming a vegetarian the very day the law came into
force," said Padna. "He just wanted to go home to Ireland, and he
was afraid he'd have an uneasy conscience, if any of his subjects
were left exposed to the dangers of a foreign country, and that was
how he secured peace of mind before shaking the dust of Montobewlo
off his heels."
"And what happened to the King?" asked Micus.
"As he was seeing Cormac off by the good ship Ennisferric that was
bound for Cork's fair city, he slipped off the gangway, and when they
went to look for him, they could only find a crocodile in the throes
of indigestion," said Padna.