Leper’s mother was a careful industrious wife, but as the bye-word

is, ‘a working mother makes a dally daughter,’ and so it happened

here, for she had two gleakit sluts of daughters, that would do

nothing but lie in their bed in the morning, till, as the saying

is, ‘the sun was like to burn a hole in their backsides.’ The old

woman, who was bleaching some cloth, was very early at work in the

mornings, and Leper’s patience being worn out with the laziness of

his two sisters, he resolved to play a trick on them, for their

reformation, so he goes and gets a mortcloth, and spread it on the

bed above them, and sends the dead bell through the town, inviting

the people next day at four o’clock afternoon to the burial of

his two sisters, for they had died suddenly; this brought all

the neighbouring wives in, who one after another lifted up the

mortcloth, and said, with a sigh, they’ve gone to their rest, a

sudden call indeed! Their aunt hearing of this sudden news, came

running in all haste, and coming where the jades’ mither was at

work, and was ignorant of the story, she cries out, Fye upon ye,

woman, fye upon ye! What’s the matter, sister, says she, what’s

the matter! I think you might let your wark stand for a’e day,

when your daughters are baith lying corpse. My bairns corpse! I

am certain they went to bed hale and fair last night. But I tell

you, says the other, the dead bell has been thro’ warning the

folks to the burial, then the mother cries out, O the villian! O

the villian that he did not send me word.--So they both ran, and

the mother as soon as she entered the house, flies to the bed,

crying, O my bairns, my dear bairns; on which the sluts rose up in

a consternation, to the great surprise of the beholders, and the

great mortification of the girls, who thought shame to set their

noses out of doors, and to the great diversion of the whole town.

Leper and his master went to a gentleman’s house to work, where

there was a saucy house-keeper, who had more ignorance and pride

than good sense and manners; she domineered over her fellow

servants in a tyrannical manner. Leper resolved to mortify her

pride; so he finds an ant’s nest, and takes their white eggs,

grinds them to a powder, and puts them into the dish her supper

sowns was to be put in. After she had taken her supper, as she was

covering the table, the imnock powder began to operate, and she let

a great f--: well done Margaret, said the Laird, your a-- would

take a cautioner. Before she got out of the chamber door she let

fly another crack; then she goes to order her fellow servant to

give the Laird his supper, but before she could give the necessary

directions, she gave fire again, which set them all a laughing; she

runs into a room herself, and there she played away her one gun

battery so fast, that you would have thought she had been besieging

the Havannah. The Laird and Lady came to hear the fun, they were

like to split their sides at proud Maggy. So next morning she left

her place, to the great satisfaction of all her fellow servants.

PART II.

Leper’s landlady became very harsh to his master, and very often

abused him exceedingly sore with her tongue and hands, and always

called upon him for more money, and to have all the money in her

keeping; which Leper was sorry for. It so happened on a day that

the tailor had got a hearty drubbing both with tongue and tongs,

that he pouched his thimble and was going to make a queen of her:

when she saw that, she cried out, O! will you leave a poor tender

dying woman. But Leper knowing the cause of her ill nature better

than his master did, advised him to take her on a fine day, like

a mile out of town, and give her a walk, and he would stay at home

and study a remedy for her disorder.--Away they both go; but as

she was always complaining for want of health, and that she was

very weak, she cried frequently out, O! ’tis a crying sin to take a

woman in my condition out o’er a door. During their absence, Leper

goes and searches the bed, and below the bolster gets a bottle of

rare whisky, of which he takes a hearty pull, and then pisses in

it to make it up; gets a halfpenny worth of snuff, and puts it in

also, shakes all together, and so sets it in its place again.--Home

they came, and she was exceedingly distressed as a woman could be,

and cried out, it was a horrid thing to take her out of the house.

The tailor seeing her so bad, thought she would have died, ran as

fast as he could for a dram, but she in her hypocrisy pretended she

could not take it, and called on him to help her to bed, into which

he lays her; she was not well gone when she fell to her bottle,

taking two or three hearty gluts, then she roars out murder,

I’m poisoned, I’m poisoned. Bocking and purging began, and the

neighbours were called in; she lays her blood upon poor Leper, and

tells how such an honest woman brought her a’e bottle as another

was done, and the murdering loon had stolen it and put in a bottle

of poison instead of it. Leper took to his heels, but was pursued

and carried before a justice of the peace, where he told all he had

done, which made the justice laugh heartily at the joke; and the

tailor’s wife was well purged from her feigned sickness, laziness,

and cursed ill nature; for always when she began to curl her nose

for the future, the tailor had no more to say, but Maggy mind the

bottle.

Leper was working with a master-tailor in Glasgow, who hungered his

men; and one morning, just when breakfast was set on the table, in

comes a gentleman to try on a suit of clothes; the master being

obliged to rise desired the lads to say the grace themselves. Every

one refused it, and put it to his neighbour, till Leper undertook

it, and said with an audible voice, that the stranger gentleman

might overhear him as follows:--‘Och, hoch! we are a parcel of poor

beastly bodies, and we are as beastly minded; if we do not work we

get nothing to eat; yet we are always eating and always fretting;

singing and half starving is like to be our fortune; scartings and

scrapings are the most of our mouthfuls. We would fain thank thee

for our benefactors are not worthy the acknowledging;--hey. Amen.’

The gentleman laughed till his sides were like to burst, and gave

Leper half-a-crown to drink.

Leper was not long done with his apprenticeship till he set up for

himself, and got a journeyman and an apprentice, was coming into

very good business, and had he restrained his roguish tricks, he

might have done very well. He and his lads being employed to work

in a farmer’s house, where the housewife was a great miser, and not

very cleanly in making meat, and sneeveled through her nose greatly

when she spoke.--In the morning, when she went to make the potage,

she made a fashion of washing the pot, which to appearance seemed

to him to have been among the first that had been made; then sets

it before the fire till she went to the well, in which time Leper

looking into it, sees two great holes stapped with clouts, he takes

up his goose, and holds it as high as his head, then lets it drop

into the pot, which knocked out the bottom of it; presently in

comes the wife with the water, and pours it into the pot, which set

the fireside all in a dam, for still as she poured in, it ran out:

the wife being short-sighted, or what they call sand blind, looks

into the pot, holds up both her hands and cries, ‘Losh preserve me,

sirs, for the grip atween the twa holes is broken.’ Says Leper,

the pot was old enough; but do you not ken that tailors potage

is heavier than other mens. Indeed lad I believe it, but they say

ye’re a warlock; its Wednesday all the world o’er, and a waefu’

Wednesday to me indeed, my pot might ha’e served me this fifty

year, a sae wad it e’en.

This sport diverted Leper and his lads through the day; and after

supper, knowing he was to get some dirty bed, as the cows and the

people lived all in one apartment, he choose rather to go home;

and knowing the moon was to rise a little after midnight, he sat

by the fire, told them many a fine story to drive away the time,

and bade the wife make the bed to see how it might be: to save

candle she made it in the dark, directly on the floor behind where

they sat, shaking down two bottles of straw; a calf which chanced

to be lying on that place, and which the wife did not notice was

covered with the straw, and the bed clothes spread over it. The

most of the family being in bed, the wife told them to go to bed

also, but Leper knowing of the calf, said I’ll make my bed come to

me, on which the wife began to pray for herself and all that was in

the house; so up he gets his elwand, and gives a stroke on the bed

which caused the brute to rise, and not seeing where to go, it fell

a crying and turned round, which set the whole house a roaring out

murder in their own tongue. The goodwife ran to the bed above the

goodman, and the whole family cried out, not knowing what it was;

but Leper and his two lads whipt off the blankets, and the brute

ran in among the rest unperceived; then Leper lighted a candle, and

all of them got out of bed, paid Leper for his work, and more if he

pleased, and begged him to go away, and take the devil with him. So

home he went, but never was employed by that wife any more.

Leper had a peal of the best customers both in town and country; so

one time he had occasion to go to the parish of Inchinan, to make a

wedding suit for a gentleman, after they were finished he desired

drink money for his lads, which the gentleman refused: Leper

resolved to be even with him, so he goes to the hay loft where the

groom slept, and takes his stockings, breeches, and jacket, sewed

them together, and stuffs them full of hay; makes a head, puts a

rope about the neck, and hangs it on a tree, opposite to the lairds

window; then goes to the laird and tells him that his groom had

hanged himself, and that if he would open his window he would see

him hanging; the laird was struck with astonishment, and knew not

what to do; Leper advises him to bury him privately. The laird

said he had not a servant he could trust, so begged Leper to do it.

Leper refuses, till the laird promises him a load of meal, then

Leper pulls out all the hay out of the groom’s clothes; goes and

gets his load of meal, and sends it to Glasgow,--then goes to the

groom, and says, lad thy master is wanting thee. So the lad in all

haste runs to see what his master wanted, the laird no sooner saw

him open the door, than he cried out, Avoid thee Satan, avoid thee

Satan! The lad says, what’s the matter? Did not you hang yourself

this morning? Lord forbid! said the lad. The laird says if thou be

an earthly creature, take that tankard and drink: which he did;

then says he to his master, Leper called me up, and said you wanted

me in all haste. Ho, ho, said the laird, I find out the story now,

if I had Leper I would run my sword thro’ him; but Leper before

that was gone for Glasgow with his meal.

Leper was in use to give his lads their Sunday’s supper, which

obliged him to stay from the kirk in the afternoon, he having

neither wife nor servant maid; so one Sunday afternoon as he was

cooking his pot, John Mucklecheek, and James Puff-and-blaw, two

civileers, having more zeal than knowledge, came upon him, and

said--What’s the matter, sir, you go not to the kirk? Leper

replied, I’m reading my book and cooking my pot, which I think is

a work of necessity. Then says the one to the other, don’t answer

that graceless fellow, we’ll make him appear before his betters;

so they took the kail pot, and puts a staff through the bools, and

bears it to the Clerk’s chamber. Leper who was never at a loss for

invention, goes to the Principal of the College’s house, no body

being at home but a lass roasting a leg of mutton; Leper says,

my dear, will you go and bring me a drink of ale, and I’ll turn

the spit till you come back. The lass was no sooner gone, than he

runs away with the leg of mutton, which served his lads and him

for their supper. When the Principal came home, he was neither to

haud nor to bind he was so angry; so on Monday he goes and makes a

complaint to the Lord Provost, who sends two officers for Leper,

who came immediately. My Lord asked him how he dared to take away

the Principal’s mutton? Leper replied, how dared your civileers to

take away my kail pot? I’m sure there is less sin in making a pot

full of kail, than roasting a leg of mutton, law makers should not

be law breakers, so I demand justice on the civileers. The Provost

asked him what justice he would have? says he, make them carry

the pot back again; and to the Principal, a leg of mutton will not

make him and me fall out; so they were forced to carry the pot

back again, and Leper caused the boys to huzza after them to their

disgrace.

There was a barber who always plagued Leper, and called him

prick-the-louse.--Leper resolved to be even with him, so he goes

and buys three sheep heads, and sends for the barber, and told him,

that there were three fine Southland gentlemen just come to his

house, which much wanted to be shaved, and he assured him he would

receive sixpence for each one of them;--this good news made the

shaver send for a dram;--Leper was still praising them for quiet

good natured gentlemen. So Leper takes him to the bed where the

sheep heads lay covered, and desired him to awaken them for they

would not be angry, or say an ill word to him, the barber lifts the

covering and sees the sheep heads, runs out cursing and swearing,

and Leper crying after him, sheep head barber.

The barber resolved to be revenged on Leper, so when he was shaving

Mess John, he tells him that Leper was the drunkenest fellow in

the parish. So Mess John warns him to the session; Leper comes and

says, what do you want with me, Sir? Come away Leper, says Mess

John, I hear a bad report of you; me Sir, I am sure they were not

my friends that told you that.--Indeed, I am informed you are a

drunkard.--I a drunkard you have not a soberer man in your parish:

stop Sir, I will tell you how I lead my life--in the morning I

take a choppin of ale and a bit of bread, that I call my morning;

for breakfast I generally take a herring and a choppin of ale, for

I cannot sup brose like my lads; the herring makes me dry, so at

eleven hours I take a pint, and sometimes three choppins; at supper

I take a bit of bread and cheese and a pint, and so go to bed. Mess

John says, its extravagant Sir, its excessive drinking, I allow

you one half of it for a quarter of a year. Says Leper, I’ll try

it, Sir, and come back and tell you. At the end of the quarter he

draws out his account, and goes to Mess John, who was sitting with

his elders in the Session-house, and says; Sir I have a demand on

you; on me, Sir; Yes, on you, Sir; don’t you remember you allowed

me so much drink for a quarter of a year and I want the money. Am

I to pay your reckoning, Sir. You allowed it, and if you wont pay

it I’ll take you before the Provost. The elders advised him to pay

it or he would be affronted; so Leper got the money. When he was at

the door, he says, Sir, will you stand another quarter: Get away,

says Mess John, and don’t trouble me. Leper says, I am sure you

may, for I am always twopence to your penny.

THE END.

ANECDOTES.

INCONVENIENCE OF A PETITION.

A reverend Gentleman, when visiting his parishioners, was in one

house first saluted with the growling of a dog, and afterwards

by the cheering voice of a female, d--ning the dog for his

ill-breeding. He advanced and enquired for the master of the house.

“What do ye want wi’ that?” said the female. “We are wishing to see

him,” said the Reverend Gentleman, “will ye be so good as bring him

to us?” “I’ll gang nae sic an errand,” said she; “ye may gang doon

to the market yoursel’, an’ ye’ll see him there: they’re thrang

killin’ the day. But what are ye wanting wi’ Pate, if a body micht

speir.” “This is the minister,” said the elder who accompanied him,

“he is wishing to have some conversation with Peter, and to put

up a petition.” “A petition! a petition!” exclaimed the matron,

“ye’ll put up nae petition here; the house is wee eneugh already,

an’ wha do ye think’s gaun to be fashed wi’ masons an’ wrights

an’ a’ thae clamjamfray about their house? Faith no--the devil a

petition will be putten up in this house, as langs am in’t we’re

gaun to flit at Whitsunday, so ye may come then an’ put up as mony

petitions as ye like.”

DUKE OF BUCCLEUGH.

Henry, Duke of Buccleugh was greatly beloved by his numerous

tenantry. One of his small tenants, Jamie Howie by name, had a

son about four years of age, who, having heard much of a great

Duke of Buccleugh, was very anxious to see him. Honest Jamie, in

a few days, was honoured with a visit from the duke, when Jamie,

doffing his bonnet, and making a reverential bow, says “O my Lord!

ye maunna be angry wi’ me, but it’s God’s truth, my Lord, there’s

a daft we callant o’ mine that canna rest, nor let others rest

nicht nor day; he has ta’en in his head sic a notion o’ seeing

what like ye are, Gudesake, my Lord, I dinna think he has ony

yedea ye are a man at a’ but some far awa, outlandish, ower sea

creature.” The Duke mightily tickled with this fancy, desired

Jamie to bring the youngster into his presence forthwith. Out

comes the juvenile inquisitor, with his finger in his mouth, and

cautiously reconnoitres the personage before him. At last quoth the

urchin, “Can ye soom?” “No my little fellow,” replied his grace,

“I canna soom.” “Can ye flee?” “No, I canna flee.” “Weel, man, for

as muckle’s ye’re I wadna gie ane o’ my father’s dukes for ye, for

they can baith soom an’ flee.”

A BANE TO PIKE.

Some boys diverting themselves in one of the streets of Edinburgh,

observed on a door, a brass plate with Al--x--nd--r Guthrie, W. S.

engraved on it. In their diverson, they broke a pane of glass in

one of the windows, upon which Mrs. Guthrie and the maid sallied

forth and seized one of the delinquents. “Ye young rascal, what’s

ye’r name?” says the lady, “Saundy,” replied the boy. “What’s

ye’r ither name?”--“Guthrie.”--“Wha’s ye’r mither?”--“My mither

sells burd’s cages.”--“Whar does she live?”--“I’ the Patter

Raw.”--“Wha’s ye’r father?”--“I dinna ken.”--“Do ye no ken ye’r

father?”--“Na! he ne’er comes but whan it’s dark, an’ naebody kens

bit my mither.” Upon hearing this, the lady in a passion let go her

victim, and running into the room where her husband was sitting,

fell a-scolding him like a fury about his infidelity towards her.

The young rogue laughed heartily at the success of his fraud, and

turning to his companions, said to them, “I think I’ve gi’en her a

bane to pike!”

SEEING ONE DRUNK.

The late Rev. Mr.---- of D---- Aberdeenshire was fond of his friend

and a bottle; he sacrificed so often and so freely to the jolly

god, that the presbytery could no longer overlook such proceedings,

and summoned him before them to answer for his conduct.--One of the

elders, and constant companion in his social hours, was cited as

a witness against him. “Well, John (says one of the presbytery to

the elder) did you ever see the Rev. Mr. C---- the worse of drink?”

“Weel a wyte no: I’ve mony a time seen him the better o’t, but I

ne’er saw him the war o’t.” “But did you never see him drunk?”

“That’s what I’ll ne’er see, for before he be half slockened, I’m

aye blind fu’.”

[Illustration: FINIS.]

JOHN FALKIRK’S

CARICHES,

TO WHICH IS ADDED

TAM MERRILEES;

A CAPITAL STORY.

[Illustration]

GLASGOW;

PRINTED FOR THE BOOKSELLERS.

JOHN FALKIRK’S

CARICHES.

Question, What is the wisest behaviour of ignorant persons?

Answer, To speak of nothing but what they know, and to give their

opinion of nothing but what they thoroughly understand.

Ques. What time is it when a scolding wife is at her best?

Ans. When she is fast asleep.

Q. What time is a scolding wife at the worst?

A. When she is that wicked as to tear the hair out of her head,

when she cannot get at her neighbours, and through perfect spite

bites her own tongue with her own teeth.--My hearty wish is, that

all such wicked vipers may ever do so.

Q. What is the most effectual cure and infallible remedy, for a

scolding wife?

A. The only cure is to get out of the hearing of her; but the

infallible remedy is to nail her tongue to a growing tree, in

the beginning of a cold winter night, and so let it stand till

sun-rising next morning, then she’ll become one of the peaceablest

women that ever lay by a man’s side.

Q. What time of the year is it that there are most holes open?

A. In harvest when there are stubbles.

Q. What time is a cow heaviest?

A. When the bull’s on her back.

Q. Who was the goodman’s muckle cow’s calf’s mother?

A. The muckle cow herself.

Q. What is the likeliest thing to a man on a horse?

A. A Tailor on a mare.

Q. What is the hardest dinner that ever a Tailor laid his teeth to?

A. His own goose, tho’ ever so well boiled or roasted.

Q. How many toads’ tails will it take to reach up to the moon?

A. One, if it be long enough.

Q. How many sticks gangs to the digging of a craw’s nest?

A. None, for they are all carried.

Q. How many whites will a well made pudding-prick need?

A. When well made it will need no more.

Q. Who was the father of Zebedee’s children?

A. Zebedee himself.

Q. Where did Moses go when he was full fifteen years old?

A. Into his sixteenth.

Q. How near related is your aunty’s goodbrother to you?

A. He is my father.

Q. How many holes are there in a hen’s doup?

A. Two.

Q. How prove you that?

A. There is one for the dung and another for the egg.

Q. What is the best method of catching rogues?

A. There is none so fit as a rogue himself.

Q. Where was the usefulest fair in Scotland kept?

A. At Mullgay.

Q. What sort of commodities were there?

A. Nothing but ale and wicked wives.

Q. How was it abolished?

A. Because those that went to it once would go to it no more.

Q. For what reason?

A. Because there was no money to be got for them but fair barter,

wife for wife; and he who put away a wife for one fault, got

another for her with two as bad.

Q. What was the reason, that in those day a man could put away his

wife for pissing the bed, but not for sh----g it?

A. Because he could push it away with his foot and lie down.

Q. What is the reason now a-days, that men court, cast, marry, and

re-marry so many wives, and only but one in public at last?

A. Because private marriage is become as common as smuggling, and

cuckolding no more thought of than for a man to ride a mile or two

upon his neighbour’s mare: men get will and wale of wives; the best

portion and properest person is preferred, the first left the weak

to the worst; and she whom he does not love he puts away, and lies

down with whom he pleases.

Q. How will one know the bairns of our town by all others in the

kingdom?

A. By their ill-breeding and bad manners.

Q. What is their ill-breeding and bad manners?

A. If you ask them a question in civility, if it were but the road

to the next town, they’ll tell you to follow your nose, and if you

go wrong curse the guide.

Q. Are young and old of them alike for ill breeding?

A. All the odds lies in the difference, for if you ask a child

to whom he belongs, or who is his father, he’ll bid you kiss his

father’s arse and then you’ll ken.

Q. What sort of creatures are kindliest when they meet?

A. None can exceed the kindness of dogs when they meet in a market.

Q. And what is collie’s conduct when there?

A. First, they kiss other’s mouths and noses, smell all about, and

last of all, they are so kind as to kiss each other below the tail.

Q. What is the coldest part of a dog?

A. His nose.

Q. What is the coldest part of a man?

A. His knees.

Q. What is the coldest part of a woman?

A. Her backside.

Q. What is the reason that these three parts of men, women, and

dogs are coldest?

A. Fabulous Historians, says, that there were three little holes

in Noah’s Ark; and that the dog stopt his nose in one, and the man

put his knee in another, and into the third and biggest hole, the

woman bang’d her backside: and these parts being exposed to the

cold blast, is the cause which makes them cold ever since.

Q. What remedy does the man take for to warm his cold knees?

A. He holds them towards the fire, and when in bed, draws his

shirt down over them.

Q. What does the women do, to warm their cold part.

A. The married women put their backsides into their husbands’

arms:--Virgins, and those going mad for marriage, their maidenhead

keeps them warm:--old matrons, and whirl’d-o’er maidens, and widows

bewitched, hold their coldest parts to the fire.

Q. And what remedy does the poor dog take for his cold nose?

A. He staps it below his tail, the hotest bit in his body.

Q. What is the reason the dogs are worst on chapmen than on any

other strangers?

A. It is said, the dogs have three accusations against the chapman,

which has been handed down from father to son, or from one

generation of dogs to another: the first is as old as Æsop, the

great wit of Babylon.--The dogs having a lawsuit against the cats,

they gained the plea: one of the dogs coming trudging home with

the Decreet below his tail, a wicked chapman threw his ell-wan at

him, and he let the Decreet fall and so lost their great privileges

thereby. The second is, because in old times the chapmen used to

buy dogs and kill them for their skins. The third reason is, when a

chapman was quartered at a farmer’s house, that night the Dog lost

his right of licking the pot.

Q. What creature resembles most a drunken Piper?

A. A Cat when she sips milk, for then she always sings, and so does

a piper when he drinks good ale.

Q. What is the reason a dog runs twice round before he lies down?

A. Because he does not know the head of his bed from the foot of it.

Q. What creature resembles most a long lean, ill-looking

greasy-faced lady, for pride?

A. None so much as a cat, who is continually spitting in her lufe

and rubing her face, as many such ladies do the brown leather of

their wrinkled chafts.

Q. Amongst what sort of creatures will you observe most of a

natural law, or instinctive knowledge?

A. The Hart and the Hind meet on one certain day in the year; the

Brood Goose, lays her first egg on Eastern’s Even, old stile; the

Crows begin to build their nest about the first of March old

stile; the Swans, observe matrimony, and if a female die, the male

dare not take up with another or the rest will put him to death;

all the Birds in general join in pairs and keep so; but the Dove

resembles the adulterer, when the hen grows old he puts her away

and takes another; the Locusts observe military order, and march in

bands; the Frogs resembles gipsies and pedlers, for the young ones

ride the old ones to death.

Q. Who are the merriest and heartiest people in the world?

A. The Sailors, for they’ll be singing and cursing and daming one

another when the waves (their graves,) are going over their heads.

Q. Which are the disorderliest creatures in battle?

A. Cows and dogs; for they all fall on them that are neathmost.

Q. What are the vainest sort of people in the world?

A. A Barber, a Tailor, a young Soldier, and a poor dominie.

Q. What is the great cause of the barber’s vanity.

A. Because he is admitted to trim Noblemen’s chafts, thake their

sculls, take Kings by the nose, and hold a razor to their very

throats, which no other subject dare presume to do.

Q. What is the great cause of the Tailor’s pride?

A. His making of peoples new clothes, of which every person, young

and old is proud. Then who can walk in a vainer show than a tailor

carrying home a gentleman’s new clothes?

Q. What is the cause of a young soldier’s pride?

A. When he lists, he thinks he is free of his mother’s correction,

the hard usage of a bad master, his liberty to curse, swear, whore,

and do every thing, until he be convinced by four halberts and the

drummer’s whip, that he has now got both a civil and military law

above his head, and, perhaps, far worse masters than ever.

Q. What is the cause of the poor dominie’s pride?

A. As he is the teacher of the young and ignorant, he supposes

no man knows what he knows; and because boys call him master,

therefore he thinks himself a great man.

Q. What song is it that is sung without a tongue, and yet its notes

are understood by people of all nations?

A. It is a fart every one knows the sound of.

Q. What is the reason that young people are vain, giddy-headed and

airy, and not so obedient as the children of former years?

A. Because they are brought up and educated after a more haughty

strain, by reading fables, plays, novels, and romances; gospel

books, such as the Psalm-book, Proverbs, and Catechisms, are like

old almanacks; there is nothing in vogue but fiddle, flute, Troy

and Babylonish tunes; our plain English speech is corrupted with

beauish cants, such as dont, wont, nen, and ken; a jargon worse

than the Yorkshire dialect or the Hottentot gibberish.

Q. Why is swearing become so common among Scotch people?

A. Because so many lofty teachers came from the south amongst us,

where swearing is practised in its true grammatical perfection! Hot

oaths, new struck, hath as bright a lustre as a new quarter guinea

just come from the mint.

Q. How will you know the bones of a mason’s mare at the back of a

dyke, amongst the bones of a hundred dead horses lying in the same

place?

A. Because it is made of wood.

Q. What are the two things not to be spared, but not to be abused?

A. A soldier’s coat and a hired horse.

Q. How is a man in debt like a nobleman?

A. Because he has many to wait on and call for him.

Q. How is swearing like a shabby coat?

A. Because it is a bad habit.

Q. How is a bad pen like a wicked and profligate man?

A. Because it wants mending.

Q. Why is a church bell like a story that is handed about?

A. Because it is often toll’d.

Q. What is a man like that is in the midst of a river and cannot

swim?

A. He is like to be drowned.

Q. Why is a drawn tooth like a thing that is forgot?

A. Because it is out of one’s head.

Q. Why is a book like a tree?

A. Because it is full of leaves.

Q. Why is a good sermon like a plump pudding?

A. Because there is reasons in it.

Q. How is a whorish woman like a charitable person?

A. Because she brings her husband to a piece of bread.

Q. How is a lawyer like a contentious woman?

A. Because he breeds wrangling and jangling.

Q. Who is the greatest fool in the world?

A. A whore; for she hazards soul and body for a miserable

livelihood.

Q. Who are the two greatest thieves in Great Britain?

A. Tea and Tobacco, for they pick the pockets of the whole nation.

Q. What is the difference between Ale-drapers and Linen-drapers?

A. Only this, the one cheats you with froth and the other with

cloth.

Q. If Extortioners cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven, where will

Usurers, Tallymen, and Pawn-brokers go?

A. The same road with Extortioners.

Q. What is the consequence of immoderate gaming?

A. By cards and dice, a man is ruin’d in a trice, for gaming and

whoring often hang together.

Q. What employments are likest to one another?

A. Soldiers and Butchers are bloody near relations, for they both

live by slaughtering and killing.

Q. What are the two hardest things to be found, and yet they are

both good in their kind?

A. Good women, and good small beer.

Q. Who is the likest to a Boatman?

A. An hypocrite, who always looks one way and rows another, in all

his transactions.

Q. What are the five greatest rarities to be found in the world?

A. A black Swan, a Phœnix, an Unicorn, the Philosophers’ Stone, and

a maiden at sixteen.

Q. What is the greatest folly that sensible people can be guilty of?

A. To go to law about trifles, for whatever way the plea end, the

lawyers will be the greatest gainers.

Q. Who has the honestest trade in the world?

A. Ballad-singers; for they always deal with ready-money: and it is

as ancient as the Siege of Troy, for Homer was a ballad-singer.

Q. What is the surest method for one to become both rich and

respectable?

A. To be sober and industrious.

Q. What is the best method of overcoming the argument of a positive

person?

A. Either to say with him, or give him no answer.

Q. What is the wisest course to be followed by a man who has a

brawling and scolding wife?

A. To keep silent, and then she’ll bite her own fingers with anger.

Q. What thing is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends?

A. A Ditch.

Q. What is that which was born without a soul, lived and had a

soul, yet died without a soul.

A. The whale that swallowed Jona.

Q. What is the longest and the shortest thing in the world? the

swiftest and the slowest? the most indivisible and the most

extended? the least valued and the most regretted? without which

nothing can be done? which devours all that is small, yet gives

life and spirit to all that is great?

A. Time.

Q. What creatures are those which appear closely connected, yet

upon examination are found to be three distinct bodies, with eight

legs, five on one side, and three on the other; three mouths, two

straight forwards, and the third on one side; six eyes, four on one

side, two on the other; six ears, four on one side, and two on the

other?

A. A Man and Woman on horseback.

Q. Why is a churchyard like an inn?

A. Because it receives weary travellers.

Q. Why is a carrotty lady like a troop of soldiers.

A. Because she bears fire-locks.

Q. What did Adam first set in the garden of Eden?

A. His foot.

Q. How is it that a clergyman’s horse is like a King?

A. Because he is guided by a minister.

Q. What is the difference between a boiled sheep’s, head and a

sheep’s head boiled?

A. In the first the sheep is boiled and in the last the head is

boiled.

Q. What kind of snuff is that, the more that is taken the fuller

the box is?

A. It is the snuff off the candle.

Q. What relation is that child to its own father who is not its

father’s own son?

A. Surely his daughter.

Q. What is that which is often brought to table, always cut, but

never eaten?

A. A pack of cards.

Q. Where was Peter when his candle went out?

A. He was in the dark.

Q. What relation is your uncle’s brother to you who is not your

uncle?

A. He must be your father.

Q. What difference is there between twice five and twenty and twice

twenty five?

A. The former is 30, the later is 50.

Q. Why is a brewer’s horse like a tap-ster?

A. Because they draw drafts of drink.

END OF THE CARICHES.

THE

STRANGE ADVENTURES

OF

TAM MERRILEES

A True Story.

Some years ago there dwelt in the “south side” of the gude town of

Edinburgh a wight of the name of Tam Merrilees, who, saving that he

occasionally took rather more of “strong waters” than he could walk

steadily under, generally got the name of an honest, industrious,

hard-working man. It happened one evening that Tam, in going home,

met with an old crony of his, who vehemently pressed him to adjourn

to a favourite haunt of their’s to wit a well frequented taproom

in the neighbourhood. As Tam had an unfortunate weakness of never

being able to withstand the pressing solicitations of a friend “to

tak a gill wi him,” he was in the present instance constrained to

accept Jock Thomson’s invitation, more especially as Jock declared

that “he would stand the damage himsel”. Whether they exceeded the

original stipulation of “just one gill” or Tam had been previously

refreshing himself I cannot say, certain it was, that when the

friends parted, Tam found it extremely difficult to walk in a

straight line.

It was considerable past the witching hour of night that Tam

Merrilees proceeded towards his house, rather a little in dread of

a curtain lecture. The night was dark; and the wind blowing hard in

his teeth, added to his unsteadiness, caused him several times to

reel against the sides of the houses, as he passed the Chapel of

Ease. One of these unlucky staggers brought his shoulder to bear

full against the door which led into the kirk-yard. To Tam’s great

astonishment it flew open; and having lost his equilibrium, he made

a sort of semicircular movement, and found himself standing in the

midst of tombs and headstones. “Hech,” said he, “the door open at

this hour o’ the night! that’s extraordinar’--its incomprehensible.

What in a’ the warld’s that?” continued he, perceiving something

at his feet. Upon stooping down he discovered that the object of

which had arrested his attention was a wheelbarrow, having upon it

a dead body, thurst neck and heels into a sack. Tam lifted up his

hands in amazement, and stepping forward perceived at the other end

of the ground some men engaged in filling up the grave from which

the corps had been taken. “Resurrectioners, as I’m a living man!”

he exclamed. “Wha wad hae thought it?--but I’ll gi’e the devils

such a fright as they never got the like o’t.” The whiskey had

undoubtedly raised his courage to the highest pitch; for, untying

the sack, he drew the body from it and carrying it on his back to

the opposite side of the church-yard, he reared it upright against

the wall. He then returned to the barrow, and having placed the

sack upon it, he crept in and disposed himself in the same manner

as he found the body.

He had scarcely laid down when the men approached.--They spoke a

few words sufficient for him to discover that one of the party was

the sexton himself. The barrow was wheeled off, and he heard the

gate locked immediately. As the wheelbarrow rattled over the rough

causeway, Tam’s stomach began to feel rather queer--he nevertheless

resolved to lie quiet until they should stop. After a short time,

however, he became aware that, if his jolting was not put an end

to, his stomach would be speedily emptied of the contents.--In

short, he found it almost impossible any longer to refrain from

vomiting. He had therefore no alternative but to raise himself

up in the vehicle; and accordingly, he suddenly started up, and

stretching out his arms with great violence soon disencumbered

the upper part of his body from the sack in which he had been

inveloped. The consternation of the body-lifters may be imagined.

The one who was wheeling the barrow suddenly let go his hold, by

which means it upset, and both taking to their heels, they ran as

if the evil one himself had been in chase of them. By the upsetting

of the barrow, Tam Merrilees was rolled upon the ground: however,

having managed to get entirely free from the sack; and regain his

legs, he found himself at the end of the Cross causeway, near St.

Leonard’s. He scratched his head, and taking a snuff, began to

consider how he was to dispose of the barrow. “It is no sic a bad

wheelbarrow,” said he; “I’ll just tak it hame wi’ me;” so throwing

into it the sack, he made the best of his way home, feeling a

good deal soberer for his adventure.--On his arrival at home he

deposited the barrow in a small yard at the back of the house; and

without facing his expectant spouse, he proceeded straightway to

the dwelling of Maister Peter Mitchell, an old acquaintance, and

moreover an elder of the kirk. On his road thither he indulged in

no very gentle denunciations against the sexton. “A fine fellow to

trust folks’ bodies wi’! I’se warrant all the corpses that’s been

buried thonder for the last twalvemonth hae gaen the same gate as

that yin wad if I had na’ prevented it. It’s an awfu’ thing that

folk canna get leave to rest in their graves now-a-daye for thae

doctors.” Tam’s reflections were interrupted by his arrival at the

elder’s house; the inmates were all gone to bed, with the exception

of the elder himself, who was doubtless rather surprised at so

late, or rather early, a visit from his friend Tam Merrilees. (It

was, now between one and two of the morning.) ‘Mr. Merrilees!’

exclaimed he, ‘what was brought you here at this time of the night?

Nothing serious, I hope.’ ‘Serious enough,’ muttered Tam. ‘I’m

just come, Maister Mitchell, ye see, about an unco queer kind o’ a

circumstance.’ Aye, Mr. Merrilees, what is it? Sit down and lets

hear it.’ ‘I’ll just speer at ye a sma’ question first,’ answered

Tam.--‘What kind o’ a body is that grave-digger o’ yours?’ ‘Is it

Willie Scrymgeour ye mean?’ asked the elder. ‘Aye, man, its just

him; dy’e think he’s an honest man?’ ‘An honest man!’ echoed Mr.

Mitchell ‘what should make you ask that; he’s no been stealing

surely.’ ‘I’m no saying that,’ responded Tam, ‘but div ye think

he wad lift a corpse or any thing o’ that kind?’ ‘Surely not, Mr.

Merrilees,’ said the anxious elder, drawing his chair closer? ‘you

do not mean body-lifting--the man that’s trusted with the keys of

the burial-ground!’ ‘I’m no saying, Mr. Mitchell, that he lifts

bodies. I’ll no say that the noo; but I’ll tell ye what, he disna

mak them bide in their graves. What will ye wager, Mr. Mitchell,

that there’s no a dead woman standing up against the wa’, in the

kirk-yard?’ ‘The man’s daft!’ uttered the astonished Mr. Mitchell.

‘Gang awa’ hame to your wife, Tam Merrilees, and sleep yourself

sober.’--‘Sober,’ said Tam, very dryly, ‘did ye say sober? Hum!

that’ll be just as muckle as saying that I’m fou’; may be I am,

may be no, but if you think sae, Mr. Mitchell, that’ll no hinder

ye fra taking a bet upon it.’ After a lengthened parley, in which

Tam strenuously supported his assertion, Maister Mitchell, in order

to get rid of his visitor’s company, was fain to accept a bet of

a dozen of ‘strong ale’ that no such thing existed, save in Tam’s

imagination; and it was agreed that the two should call at the

sexton’s house at seven o’ clock, and procure the keys, after which

they were to proceed to the scene of dispute. Who can imagine the

amazement of the horror-struck elder, at perceiving the corps of a

woman standing upright against the wall, in the very identical spot

that Tam had described? It was some time ere he could sufficiently

compose himself to interrogate Tam upon so mysterious an affair.

On his explaining the whole circumstance, the elder’s risibility

was not a little raised at Tam’s description of the jolting he

had suffered, while his indignation was as much roused against

the dishonest Willie Scrymgeour. ‘Well. Mr. Merrilees,’ said he,

‘you have been soberer last night than I thought you were; and as

for that worthless grave digger, he has had these keys too long

already; but he has now seen the last of them.’ The elder was as

good as his word; the sexton was dismissed, and his place filled by

a more trust-worthy individual, while the dozen of ‘strong ale’ was

drank with much glee.

FINIS.

GRINNING

MADE EASY;

OR,

FUNNY DICK’S

UNRIVALLED COLLECTION

OF

JESTS, JOKES, BULLS, EPIGRAMS &c

With many other descriptions of

WIT & HUMOUR.

[Illustration]

GLASGOW:

PRINTED FOR THE BOOKSELLERS.

GRINNING MADE EASY.

Mr. Serjeant Gardner, being lame of one leg, and pleading before

the late Judge Fortescue, who had little or no nose, the judge told

him, he was afraid he had but a lame cause of it. Oh! my lord, said

the serjeant have but a little patience, and I’ll warrant I prove

every thing as plain as the nose on your face!

Hume the historian, passing one day by the back of Edinburgh

Castle, where the ground is very swampy, and the foot path narrow,

inadvertently tumbled into the bog, where he stuck, not being able

to extricate himself. A washer-woman happening to pass at the time,

looked at him, and was travelling on, when he shouted after her

to lend him her assistance. Na, na, (replied the woman) you are

Hume the Deist. Well, well, no matter, replied he--you know, good

woman, your Christian charity commands you to do good even to your

enemies. Na, I winna, said she, unless you will first repeat the

Creed and the Lord’s Prayer. Having no alternative, he was forced

to accede to the pious woman’s terms.

Two English gentlemen, some time ago, visited the field of

Bannockburn, so celebrated for the total defeat of the English

army, by Robert the Bruce, with an army of Scottish heroes, not

one fourth their number. A sensible country man pointed out the

positions of both armies, the stone where the Bruce’s standard

was fixed during the battle, &c.--Highly satisfied with his

attention, the gentlemen, on leaving him, pressed his acceptance of

a crown-piece,--Na, na, said the honest man, returning the money,

keep your crown-piece--the English have paid dear enough already

for seeing the field of Bannockburn.

Judge Toler, afterwards Lord Norbury, whose severity was at one

time proverbial, was at a public dinner with Curran the celebrated

Irish lawyer. Toler observing Curran carving a piece of corned

beef, told him, if it was hung beef he would try it. If you try it,

my Lord, replied Curran, I am sure it will be hung.

A gentleman coming into a coffee-room one stormy night, said. He

never saw such a wind in his life. Saw a wind, says a friend, I

never heard of such a thing as seeing a wind; pray, what was it

like? Like answered the Gentleman, like to have blown my hat off.

A young lady going into a barrack-room at Fort George, saw an

officer toasting a slice of bread on the point of his sword. On

which she exclaimed, I think, Sir, you have got the staff of life

on the point of death.

One day, Socrates, having for a long time endured his wife’s

brawling, went out of his house, and sat down before the door, to

rid himself of her impertinence. The woman, enraged to find all her

scolding unable to disturb his tranquility, flung the contents of

a chamber-pot on his head. Those that happened to see it, laughed

heartily at poor Socrates; but this philosopher observed, smiling,

“I thought, indeed, after so much thunder we should have rain.”

A clergyman chose for his text the following words: “Which of you

will go up with me to Ramoth-Gilead?” Then pausing, he again and

again repeated the words, when a gallant tar started from his

seat, and looking round him with an eye full of indignation, he

exclaimed, Will none of you go up with the worthy gentleman; Then,

d--n me, I will go myself.

An old beggar, pretending to be dumb, was thrown off his guard by

the question, How many years have you been dumb; and answered, Five

years last June, please your honour.

A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding by, one of

them called to him with an insolent air, Well honest fellow, ’tis

your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour. To

which the country man replied, ’Tis very likely you may, for I am

sowing hemp.

One told another, who did not use to be very well clothed, that his

new coat was too short for him: That’s true, answered he but it

will be long enough before I get another.

A proud parson and his man, riding over a common, saw a shepherd

tending his flock, in a new coat. The parson asked, in a haughty

tone, who gave him that coat? The same people, (said the shepherd)

that clothe you--the parish. The parson nettled a little, rode

on murmuring a considerable way, and sent his man back to ask

the shepherd, if he would come and live with him, for he wanted

a fool. The man went to the shepherd accordingly, and delivered

his master’s message, concluding that his master really wanted a

fool. Are you going away then? said the shepherd. No, answered the

other. Then you may tell your master, replied the shepherd, that

his living won’t maintain THREE of us.

An arch prisoner, who had an unfavourable countenance, being

brought to the bar to be tried for horse-stealing, the judge

immediately cried, Oh, here is a noted villain, I am sure! Why, Sir

I can see the rogue in your face. Ah, my Lord, says the fellow, I

wonder at that: I did not know my face was a looking-glass till

now.

Mr Hare, formerly the envoy of Holland, had apartments in the same

house with Mr Fox, and, like his friend Charles, had frequent

dealings with the monied Israelites. One morning, as he was looking

out of his window, he observed several of the tribe assembled at

the door for admittance. Pray, gentlemen, says he, are you Fox

hunting, or Hare hunting this morning?

An Irish officer had the misfortune to be dreadfully wounded at

Waterloo. As he lay on the ground, an unfortunate soldier, who was

near him, and was also severely wounded, made a terrible howling,

when the officer exclaimed, D--n your eyes, what do you make such

a noise for? Do you think there is nobody killed but yourself?

When Mr. Horne Tooke was called before the commissioners to give

an account of the particulars of his income; having answered a

question which was asked, one of the wise men said, peevishly, that

he did not understand his answer--Then, said Tooke, as you have not

half the understanding of another man, you ought at least to have

double the patience.

When the Scotch Court of Justiciary passed sentence of fourteen

years banishment on Mr Muir, some persons in the gallery began to

hiss. The Lord Justice Clerk turned round in a great fury, and

ordered the macer, who stood behind his chair, to take the persons

that were hissing into custody. The macer, with great coolness,

answered, My Lord, they are all hissing.

Sir Boyle Roach, in one of the debates on the question of the

Union, made a speech in favour of it, which he concluded by saying,

that it would change the barren hills into fruitful vallies.

A man walking along after a woman, whose elegant shape excited his

admiration, was not a little disappointed when he got up with her

and saw her ordinary face--If, Madam, said he, you were as handsome

before as you are behind, I would kiss you. You may, replied the

lady, kiss where you think I am handsomest.

When Buchanan was tutor to James I. he found it necessary, one day,

to give his most sacred Majesty a flogging. A lady of the court,

being in the next room, and overhearing what passed, ran in, and

catching the young king in her arms, asked Buchanan how he could

lift his hand against the Lord’s anointed: to which he replied,

with great coolness, Madam, I have whipped his arse, you may kiss

it if you please.

Alphonso, King of Arragon, to whom a Jew wished to sell a picture

of our Saviour for five hundred ducats, said, “You are much more

unconscionable than your ancestors, who sold the original for

thirty pieces.”

A man and his wife, as a proof of their fondness for each other,

made a mutual vow, that, on either of their deaths, the survivor

should remain in a state of celibacy. The husband having died, the

widow kept her vow, religiously, for about a twelvemonth. At the

end of this period, however, she began to repent of it, and being

a Catholic, she applied to the priest, to know whether she could

not be released from it. This having, as might be expected, been

negatived, the good woman thought of appealing to a higher power,

and accordingly she daily paid her devotions to an image of the

Virgin, who she hoped would, by some sign, sanction her second

marriage. On one of those occasions, when, as usual, she fervently

asked the Virgin whether she might not lawfully marry a second

time, a wag, who had concealed himself under the image, answered,

No!--On which the devotee immediately replied. Hold your tongue,

you bastard; I am speaking to your mother.

The Captain of one of the British frigates a man of undaunted

bravery, had a natural antipathy to a cat. A sailor, who from

misconduct had been ordered a flogging, saved his back by

presenting to his Captain the following petition:

By your Honour’s command,

A culprit I stand--

An example to all the ship’s crew;

I am pinion’d and stript,

And condemn’d to be whipt;

And, if I am flogg’d ’tis my due

A cat, I am told,

In abhorrence you hold;

Your Honour’s aversion is mine!

If a cat with one tail

Makes your stout heart to fail,

O, save me from one that has NINE!

Two boys, belonging to the chaplains of two different men of war,

entertaining each other with an account of their respective manners

of living--How often, Jack, says the one, do you go to prayers?

Why, answered Jack, we pray when we are afraid of a storm, or going

to fight! Aye, quoth the other, there is some sense in that; but my

master makes us go to prayers when there is no more occasion for it

than for my jumping overboard.

A man having been capitally convicted at the Old Bailey, was, as

usual, asked what he had to say why judgement of death should not

pass against him? Say! replied he, why I think the joke has been

carried far enough already, and the less that is said about it the

better--If you please, Sir, we’ll drop the subject.

Advertisement from a London Paper--Wanted for a wine-merchant’s

house in the city, as a porter, an athletic man, of a serious

countenance, a character, and of the Protestant religion; must

attend prayers twice a day, and divine worship four times on

Sunday; be able to bear confinement, have the fear of God before

his eyes, and be master for two hundred weight. Wages fourteen

shillings a week, and find himself.

A man seeing in the street an old woman who drove some asses, said,

Adieu, mother of asses. Adieu, adieu, my son, answered she.

A Quaker was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting

certain duties; the Commissioners thinking themselves

disrespectfully treated by his thee- and thouing, one of them with

a stern countenance, asked him--Pray, Sir, do you know for what we

sit here? Yea, replied Nathan, I do--some of you for a thousand,

and others for seventeen hundred and fifty pounds a year.

Comparisons of Drunkenness.--A man is said to be as drunk as an

owl, when he cannot see--as drunk as a sow, when he wallows in the

dirt--as drunk as a beggar, when he is very impudent--as drunk as

the devil, when he is inclined to mischief, and--as drunk as a

Lord, when he is every thing that is bad.

Walking Stewart having given an account of his being cast away

on an unknown coast, thus expresses himself: ‘After walking a

considerable way up the country, we saw, to our inexpressible

satisfaction, a man hanging on a gibbet. This delight affored us by

this cheering sight is inconceivable, for it convinced us that we

were in a civilized country.’

When the Earl of Clancartie was Captain of a man of war, he lost

his Chaplain. The First Lieutenant, a Scotchman, announced his

death to his Lordship, adding, he was sorry to inform him that the

chaplain died a Roman Catholic. Well, so much the better, said

his Lordship. Oot awa my Lord, how can you say so of a Breetish

Clergyman? Why, replied his Lordship, because I believe I am the

first Captain that ever could boast of a Chaplain who had any

religion at all.

An attorney being employed to draw the Testament of a rich man, was

requested to word it in such a manner, that no room might be left

for contestation among his heirs. That quoth the man of law, is

imposible. Can I go beyond our Saviour whose Testament has been a

perpetual source of contest for these eighteen hundred years?

The late learned Lord Kames, one day, after coming out of the Court

of Edinburgh, went to make water at a place where the centinel on

duty assumes a power of levying a fine for such transgression. My

Lord said the soldier, you are fined. For what? For pissing at this

place. How much? Threepence, my Lord. There is six-pence for you,

then, Sir; and remember you owe me a piss.

Mr Ogilvy, a Scottish Clergyman, at Lunan, in Forfarshire, had a

great deal of eccentricity in his character and manner.--One Sunday

when he was in the middle of his sermon, an old woman, who kept an

alehouse in the parish, fell asleep. Her neighbour jogged her, in

order to awaken her. The Minister seeing this, said, I’ll waken

her fast enough; and immediately giving a loud whistle, cried out

‘Janet! a bottle of ale and a dram!’ ‘Coming, Sir,’ said the old

lady, starting out of her nap.

The Sexton of a parish-church in Shropshire insisted on a poor

man, who had lost his leg by amputation, paying sixteen pence for

burying it. The man appealed to the Rector, who said that he could

not relieve him in the present case; but he would consider in his

fees when the remainder of his body came to be buried.

Epitaph on a Physician.

Here Docter Fisher lies interr’d,

Who filled the half of this church-yard.

A certain bruising Parson having been examined as a witness in the

Court of King’s Bench, the adverse Counsel attempted to browbeat

him: I think you are the bruising Parson, said he. I am, said the

divine; and if you doubt it, I’ll give it you under my hand.

A gentleman happening to be in the stable belonging to an inn

in London, met a most active fellow officiating as hostler. The

gentleman enquired where he came from? Yorkshire, was the reply.

How long have you been here as ostler? Thirteen years. What! you a

Yorkshireman, and so long a servant: why, I should have supposed

you would have been master ere this time. Ay, Sir, but master is

Yorkshire too.

Hugo Arnot, author of the History of Edinburgh, &c. was a perfect

walking skeleton. One day he was eating a split dried haddock, or,

as it is called in Scotland, a spelding, when Harry Erskine came

in. You see, said Hugo, I am not starving. I must own, replied the

other, that you are very like your meat.

An Irish soldier once returning from battle in the night, marching

a little way behind his companion, called out to him, Hollo, Pat,

I have catch’d a Tartar! Bring him along then! bring him along!

Aye, but he won’t come. Why, then, come away without him. By Saint

Patrick, but he won’t let me.

Lord Somers, when Chancellor, hired a small box near Twickenham

common, in which parish Mr Johnson, secretary of state for

Scotland, built a beautiful villa. The chancellor of England

invited the secretary of Scotland to a convivial dinner; and

Johnson, as the glass was circulating, told a long tale of a

countryman of his own, and wound up his story by saying that

the person was a d--d knave. The chancellor stared at him, and

exclaimed, It is strange for you, Mr Johnson, to call a Scotchman

a knave.--Take no heed to that, said the secretary, for you may

depend on it, that we have more knaves in Scotland that ye have

honest men in England.

A gentleman being asked his opinion of the singing of a lady who

had not the purest breath, said, that the words of the song were

delightful, but he did not much admire the air.

What objection can you have to me (said a wife of Bath to her

husband) it is absolutely impossible for two people to be more of

one mind--you want to be master, and so do I?

Macklin the player, once going to one of the fire offices to insure

some property, was asked by the clerk how he would please to have

his name entered? Entered, replied the veteran, why, I am only

plain Charles Macklin, a vagabond, by act of Parliament; but, in

compliment to the times, you may set me down Charles Macklin, Esq.

as they are now synonymous terms.

A celebrated physician being sent for by a lady who imagined

herself very ill, she slept too sound, and had a very uncommon flow

of spirits. Make yourself perfectly easy Madam, said the doctor,

follow my prescription, and you shall soon have none of these

things to complain of.

Two friends, who had not seen each other a great while, meeting by

chance, one asked the other how he did? He replied, that he was not

very well, and was married since they had last met. That is good

news indeed. Nay, not so very good neither, for I married a shrew.

That is bad, too. Not so bad, neither, for I had two thousand

pounds with her. That is well again. Not so well neither, for I

laid it out in sheep, and they all died of the rot. That was hard,

in truth. Not so hard neither, for I sold the skins for more than

the sheep cost me. Aye that made you amends. Not so much amends

neither, for I laid out my money in a house, and it was burned.

That was a great loss, indeed. Not so great a loss, neither--for my

wife was burned in it!

A religious English gentleman lately advertised for a coachman,

and had a great number of applications. One of them he approved

of, and told him, if his character answered, he would take him on

the terms which they had agreed: But, said he, my good fellow, as

I am rather a particular man, it may be proper to inform you, that

every evening, after the business in the stable is done, I shall

expect you to come to my house for a quarter of an hour, to attend

family prayers--to this I suppose you can have no objection? Why,

as to that, Sir, (replied the fellow) I does not see much to say

against it, but I hope you’ll consider it in my wages.

An English gentleman being taken ill of the yellow fever at

Jamaica, a lady, whom he had married in that island, indirectly

hinted to him, in the presence of an Irish physician, who attended

him, the propriety of making his will, in a country where people

are so apt to die. The physician, thinking his judgement called in

question, tartly replied, Truly, Madam, I wish you would tell me

that country where people do not die, and I will go and end my days

there.

A man being asked by his neighbours, how his wife did? made this

answer: Indeed, neighbour, the case is pitiful, my wife fears

she shall die, and I fear she will not die, which makes a most

disconsolate house.

A great crowd being gathered about a poor cobbler who had just died

in the street, a man asked Alexander Stevens what was to be seen?

Only a Cobler’s End, replied he.

Bayle says that a woman will inevitably divulge every secret with

which she is intrusted, except one, and that is--her own age.

An Irish soldier, who came over with General Moore, being asked if

he met with much hospitality in Holland? O yes, replied he, too

much: I was in the hospital almost all the time I was there.

The Duchess of York being in want of a laundress, desired the

housekeeper to look out for some person to fill that situation.

A decent looking woman was accordingly recommended; but the

housekeeper objected to her, and, in the Duke’s presence observed,

that she was a soldier’s wife, and that these people were generally

bad characters. What’s that you say, (replied the Duke) a soldier’s

wife! pray what is your mistress?--Engage the woman this instant.

In a great storm at sea, when the ships crew were all at prayers,

a boy burst into a violent fit of laughter; being reproved for his

ill-timed mirth, and asked the reason of it, Why, said he, I was

laughing to think what a hissing the boatswain’s red nose will make

when it comes into the water. This ludicrous remark set the crew

a-laughing, inspired them with new spirits, and by a great exertion

they brought the vessel safe into port.

The following curious paragraph, in honour of the Dutch physicians,

was lately inserted in one of the London Paper:--“The mortality

in Groningen, Delft, and Rotterdam, was at first very great; but

after the death of the three physicians, it is stated to have

abated very considerably.”

Chateauneut, keeper of the seals of Louis XIII. when a boy of only

nine years of age, was asked many questions by a bishop and gave

very prompt answers to them all. At length the prelate said, I will

give you an orange if you will tell me where God is?--My Lord,

replied the boy, I will give you two oranges, if you will tell me

where he is not!

During the great Frederick of Prussia’s last painful illness, that

eminent physician Dr Zimmerman, of Hanover, attended him. One day,

when he waited upon his Majesty, the King said to him, You, Sir, I

suppose, have helped many a man into another world. Not so many,

replied the doctor, as your Majesty, nor with so much honour to

myself.

An apothecary in Durham has the following words written in his

shop-window: “Dying stuffs sold here.”

A stranger, who had acquired the habit of standing long on one

leg, came to Lacedemon to see the city. Exhibiting this trick to

a Spartan, he told him, vauntingly, You could not preserve that

posture so long. I know that, replied the Lacedemonian, but a goose

can.

Mrs Siddons, in performing the character of Jane Shore, having

arrived at the conclusion of that affecting tragedy, where she

says, “Now I die! I die!” falls down, nature being supposed

entirely exhausted.--A sailor, perched on the front of the shilling

gallery, forgetting that the distress of the actress was feigned

roared out to the pit, “Ho! why don’t some of you lubbers in that

there hold hand the poor woman a can of grog, since she is so

badly?”

Dr Franklin, when last in England, used pleasantly to repeat an

observation of his negro-servant, when the Doctor was making the

tour of Derbyshire, Lancashire, &c. “Every thing, Massa, work in

this country; water work; wind work; fire work; smoke work; dog

work; (he had noticed the last at Bath) man work; bullock work;

horse work; ass work; every thing work here but the hog; he eat,

he drink, he sleep, he do nothing all day, he walk about like a

gentleman!”

One of the people called Quakers, equally remarkable for his

gallantry to the fair sex, as for his urbanity of manners, was one

day walking in the streets of Edinburgh with a handsome young lady

who remarked to him, that the heat of the day was oppressive; on

which the Quaker recommended her to throw off a petticoat. The lady

replied, Between you and I, friend G----s, I have but one on. And

between thee and me, replied broad-brim, even that is one too many!

A very young officer, striking an old grenadier of his company for

some supposed fault in performing his evolutions, was unable to

reach any higher than his legs. The grenadier, upon this infantine

assault, gravely took off his cap, and holding it over the officer

by the tip, said, Sir, if you were not my officer, I would

extinguish you.

Francis I, having imposed a new tax it was reported to him, as a

treasonable offence, that the people murmured so much as not even

to spare his sacred person. Poh! answered Francis, why should they

not have amusement for their money?

A citizen dying greatly in debt, it coming to his creditors’ ears,

Farewell, said one there is so much of mine gone with him. And he

carried so much of mine, said another. One hearing them make their

several complaints, said, Well, I see now, that tho’ a man can

carry nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great

deal of other men’s.

A young fellow in the country, after having an affair with a

girl in the neighbourhood, said, What shall I do, Bess, if you

prove with child? Oh! very well, said she for I am to be married

to-morrow.

A Bachelor friend of ours had a fine tortoise, which was allowed

to creep about the kitchen. Some time ago he hired a raw country

girl, who never had seen nor had of a tortoise in her life. One

day he says to her, ‘Marget, what’s become of the tortoise?--I

have not seen it for some days.’ But Marget ‘didna ken ought about

it.’ ‘You had letter light a candle, and see if it has not got into

the coal-hole: poor thing! it will be starving for want of meat.’

A candle was accordingly lighted, and looking over her shoulder,

he observed it, as he had expected, snug among the coals. ‘Ah,

there it is, poor creature!’ said he: ‘take it out, and place it

near the fire.’ ‘Is that what ye ca’ the tortoise?” quoth Marget

in astonishment: ‘Od, Sir, I’ve been breaking the coals wi’t this

fortnight past!’

A few days ago a hawker, while cheapning his haberdashery wares,

was bawling out, ‘Here’s the real good napkins: they’ll neither

tear, wear, ruffle, nor rive; throw in the washing, or go back in

the pressing. All the water between the rocks of Gibraltar and the

Cape of Good Hope will not alter the colour of them. They were

woven seven miles below ground by the light of diamonds; and the

people never saw day light but once in the seven years. They were

not woven by a brosy clumsy apprentice boy, but by a right and

tight good tradesman, who got two eggs, and a cup tea, and a glass

of whisky to his breakfast; and every thread is as long and strong

as would hang a bull, or draw a man-of-war ship into harbour.’

A man in the last stage of destitution, came before the sitting

Magistrate, at Lambeth Street, and stated that having by the

operation of the new Poor Laws, been suddenly deprived of parish

assistance, he was reduced to such extremity, that if not instantly

relieved he must be driven to do a deed that his soul abhorred. The

worthy Magistrate instantly ordered him five shillings from the

poor-box, and after a suitable admonition against giving way to

despair, asked him what dreadful deed he would have been impelled

to do, but for this seasonable relief; ‘To work,’ said the man,

with a deep sigh, as he left the office.

One day, at the table of the late Dr. Pearse, (Dean of Ely,) just

as the cloth was removing, the subject of discourse happened to be

that of an extraordinary mortality amongst the lawyers. ‘We have

lost,’ said a gentleman, ‘not less than six eminent barristers in

as many months.’--The Dean, who was quite deaf, rose as his friend

finished his remark, and gave the company grace--‘For this, and

every other mercy, the Lord’s name be praised!’

In Salem, Massachusets, after the heavy and deep snow fall, a man

was discovered sticking sticks into a huge ‘winter bank of snow.’

On being asked why he amused himself thus? ‘Amuse!’ said he, with a

voice which betrayed the deepest anxiety of mind, ‘fine amusement!

I have lost my shop--it used to stand somewhere near this spot.’

During the last Assizes, in a case of assault and battery, where

a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and

conclusive evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman:--Did you see

the defendant throw the stone?--I saw a stone, and I’ze pretty sure

the defendant throwed it.--Was it a large stone?--I should say it

war a largeish stone.--What was its size?--I should say sizeable

stone.--Can’t you answer definitely how big it was?--I should say

it wur a stone of some bigness.--Can’t you give the jury some idea

of the stone?--Why, as near as I recollect, it wur something of a

stone.--Can’t you compare it to some other object?--Why, if I wur

to compare it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say

it wur as large as a lump of chalk.

FINIS.

THE

SCOTCH HAGGIS;

A SELECTION OF

CHOICE BON MOTS,

IRISH BLUNDERS, REPARTEES, ANECDOTES, &c.

Care to our coffin adds a nail no doubt,

While every laugh so merry draws one out.

[Illustration]

GLASGOW:

PRINTED FOR THE BOOKSELLERS.

ANECDOTES.

ENGLISHMAN AND HIGHLANDMAN.

An English vessel passing up the Clyde fell in with a Highland

Sloop coming down which the captain of the former hailed with the

usual salutation of “Sloop ahoy!” when the following conversation

took place:--

CAPTAIN. What’s your cargo?

HIGHLANDER. Penlomon.

CAP. Where are you bound for?

HIGH. Potatoes.

CAP. What’s your Captain’s name?

HIGH. Proomala.

CAP. Where do you come from?

HIGH. Yes; it’s a fine poat.

CAP. Will you take us on board?

HIGH. Yesterday.

DUKE OF BUCCLEUGH.

Henry, Duke of Buccleugh, was greatly beloved by his numerous

tenantry. One of them yclept Jamie Howie, had a son about four

ears of age, who having heard much of a great Duke of Buccleugh,

was very anxious to see him. Honest Jamie, in a few days, being

honoured with a visit from the Duke, doffed his bonnet, made a

profound, reverential bow, and said, “O, my lord, ye maunna be

angry wi’ me, but it’s a Heeven’s truth, my lord, there’s a daft

wee callant o’ mine that canna rest nor let ithers rest nicht nor

day, he has ta’en in his head sic a notion o’ seein’ what like you

are, gude sake, my lord; I dinna think he has ony yedeea ye are a

man at a’, but some far-awa, outlandish, ower-the-sea creature.”

The Duke, mightily tickled with this fancy, desired Jamie to

bring the youngster into his presence forthwith. Out comes the

juvenile inquisiter with his finger in his mouth, and cautiously

reconnoitres the personage before him. At last quoth the urchin,

“Can ye soom?” “No, my little fellow,” replied his Grace, “I canna

soom.” “Can ye flee?” “No, I canna flee.” “Well, man, for as

muckle’s ye’re, I wadna gi’e ane o’ ma fayther’s dukes for ye; for

they can baith soom an’ flee!”

PARAGRAPH ON PARRITCH.

Once upon a time, a worthy tradesman who had his “wonn” in

a certain populous city “i’ the wast,” was in the habbit of

nightly indulging a predilection for a comfortable lounge in an

auction-room, where he managed to procure a fund of ease and

amusement sufficient to dissipate the effects of the dry details

of the day. On one occasion, while paying a tribute of more than

ordinary attention to a string of elaborate eulogia on the merits

of some article of sale, delivered by the eloquent lips of him of

the hammer, his ears were suddenly assailed by the well known voice

of his son, a boy of five years of age, who had been charged with a

message of special importance from the guidwife, to the frequenter

of the nocturnal howff. “Fayther!” vociferated the unceremonious

rascal, “yer parritch is ready!” Honest Thomas looked certain

“unutterable things,” as the eyes of a hundred individuals were

simultaneously directed first to the quarter whence the salute

proceeded, and then to the subject of the address. He cleared

the mob in one step--bolted from the threshold in another, and

finished a third with a smart application of a weighty tacketted

shoe to the astonished retreater’s seat of honour, while he

grinned out, “Ye deevil’s Jawcobeet! the next time ye come wi’ sic

an eerand, say a Gentleman’s waitin on me.” An opportunity soon

occurred for a display of the urchin’s new-acquired politesse;--two

evenings afterwards he was observed popping in his antiquated

phiz, and magnanimously bawling the intelligence regarding the

gentleman in waiting. He was answered with a complaisant “Vera

weel,” and a promise of immediate attendance. A new turn in

the business of the lounge, banished the circumstance from the

father’s recollection--the boy returned in breathless haste to

repeat the requisition, which he did in a clearer, louder, and

more anxious tone than ever--true, withal, to the late hint on

etiquette--Fayther! If ye dinna come quick, the Gentleman’ll be

quite cauld!

A GOOD WIFE

Should be like three things; which three things she should not be

like.

FIRST.--She should be like a snail, always keep within her

house:--but she should not be like a snail, to carry all she has

upon her back.

SECONDLY.--She should be like an echo, speak when she is spoken

to:--but she should not be like an echo, always to have the last

word.

THIRDLY.--She should be like a town-clock, always keep time and

regularity:--but she should not be like a town-clock, to speak so

loud that all the town may hear her.

A WEATHER-MASTER.

An Irish pastor, when applied to by one of his flock for a shower

of rain, said he should be happy to oblige him, but he had

several previous applications for dry weather; and as it would be

impossible for him to disoblige any of his congregation, he was

under the necessity of declining to interfere.

EPITAPH ON GABRIEL JOHN.

Here lies the body of Gabriel John

Who died in the year 1001.

Pray for the soul of Gabriel John;

You may, if you please,

Or let it alone;

For it’s all one

To Gabriel John,

Who died in the year 1001.

A POWERFUL PREACHER.

“Ah, Sir!” exclaimed the elder in the tone of pathetic

recollection,--“our late minister was the man! He was a poorfu’

preacher; for i’ the short time he delivered the word amang us,

he knock’d three pupits to pieces, and dang the guts out o’ five

Bibles.”

EPITAPH.

I, Sir John Trollop,

Made these stones roll up;

When God shall take my soul up,

My body shall fill this hole up.

ENTRIES OF THE NAMES OF CUSTOMERS.

The following entries of the names of customers were found

in the books of a grocer, in a neighbouring city, on his

insolvency:--“Woman on the Key. Jew Woman. Coal Woman. Old Coal

Woman. Fat Coal Woman. Market Woman. Pale Woman. A Man. Old Woman.

Little Milk Girl. Candle Man. Stable Man. Coachman. Big Woman. Lame

Woman. Quiet Woman. (!!!) Egg Man. Little Black Girl. Old Watchman.

Shoemaker. Little Shoemaker. Short Shoemaker. Old Shoemaker.

Little Girl. Jew Man. Mrs in the Cart. Old Irishwoman. Woman in

Corn-street. A Lad. Man in the Country. Long Sal. Woman with

Long Sal. Mrs Irishwoman. Mrs Featherbonnet. Blue Bonnet. Green

bonnet. Green Coat. Blue Breeches. Big Breeches. The Woman that was

married. The Woman that told me of the man.”

THE MINISTER AND HIS THREE SONS.

Jolly dame who kept the principal carvansary at Greenlaw, in

Berwickshire, had the honour to receive under her roof a very

worthy clergyman, with three sons of the same profession, each

having a cure of souls; be it said, in passing, none of the

reverend laity were reckoned powerful in the pulpit. After

dinner, the worthy senior, in the pride of his heart, asked Mrs

Buchan whether she ever had such a party in her house before.

“Here sit I,” said he, “a placed minister of the kirk of Scotland,

and here sit my three sons, each a placed minister of the same

kirk.--Confess, Luckie Buchan, you never had such a party in your

house before.” The question was not premised by any invitation to

sit down and take a glass of wine or the like, so Mrs B. answered

dryly, “Indeed sir, I cannot just say that ever I had such a party

in my house before, except once in the forty-five, when I had a

Highland piper here, with his three sons, all Highland pipers; and

de’il a spring they could play amang them.”

MATRIMONY.

One of the towns’ officers of Ayr, was struck severly by accident

on the head by his wife.--After the fray was adjusted, the wife

said to her husband, H----, had I killed you, and I been hanged for

it, would you marry Kate M’Lauchlan.

ARABIAN PROVERB.

Let him that would be safe avoid seven things:--wasps, spiders,

hyænas, crocodiles, effs, adders, and fine women!

THE WICKEDEST MAN.

A clergyman, who wished to know whether the children of the

parishioners understood their bibles, asked a lad that he one day

found reading the Old Testament, who was the wickedest man? Moses,

to be sure, said the boy.--Moses, exclaimed the parson, how can

that be? Why, said the lad, because he broke all the commandments

at once!

NOT LOST BUT DROWNED.

A Leith merchant being on his usual ride to the south, came to the

ford of a dark river, at the side of which a boy was diverting

himself. The traveller addressed him as follows;--“Is this water

deep?” “Ay, gaen deep,” answered the boy. “Is there ever any person

lost here?” “No,” replied the boy, “there was never any lost; there

has been some drowned, but we aye get them again.”

THE RED NOSE.

A West Indian, who had a remarkably fiery nose, having fallen

asleep in his chair, a negro boy who was in waiting, observed a

musquitto hovering round his face. Quasi eyed the insect very

attentively, at last he saw him alight on his master’s nose, and

immediately fly off. ‘Ah! d----n your heart,’ exclaimed the negro,

‘me d----n glad see you burn your foot.’

THE DEVIL DEFINED.

The Reverend Mr Shirra, burger minister in Kirkcaldy, once gave

the following curious defination of the Devil:--“The Devil, my

brethern, is ill ony way ye’ll tak him. Tak the D from his name,

he’s evil; tak the E from his name, he’s vil; tak the V from his

name he’s il.” Then, shrugging up his shoulders, and lengthening

his sanctified snout, he said, with peculiar emphasis, “he’s

naething but an il, vil, evil, Devil, ony way ye’ll tak him!”

MARK ME WELL.

A gentleman having missed his way, fortunately overtook a boy

going with a pot of tar to mark his master’s sheep, asked the road

to Banff, but was directed by so many turnings, right and left,

that he agreed to take the boy behind him on the horse, as he was

going near to the same place. Finding the boy pert and docile, he

gave him some wholesome advice relative to his future conduct,

adding occasionally, “Mark me well, my boy.”--“Yes, Sir, I do.” He

repeated the injunction so often, that the boy at last cried out,

“Sir, I have no more tar!”

SCOTTISH ATMOSPHERE.

An English Gentleman on a tour through Scotland, was unfortunately

accompanied by wet weather most of the time. When he set out from

Glasgow to Greenock, the morning was very fine; however, before he

had proceeded half way, he was overtaken by a heavy shower. “Boy,”

(says he to a little fellow herding near the road side) “does it

always rain in this country!” “Na,” replied the boy, “it sometimes

snaws.”

LIBERTY OF THE PRESS.

A master tailor in Glasgow, lately reading the News-papers to his

family, and when expressing the title, Liberty of the Press in

France, one of his daughters interrupted him, by asking what the

Liberty of the Press meaned? “I’ll soon answer that question,” said

he; “you know when your mother goes but, and leaves the key in the

cupboard door, where the bread, butter, and sugar lies, then you

have access:--That’s the Liberty o’ the Press.”

RESTLESS HAGGIS.

Daft Will Callender, lived with his sister Babie, in Port-Glasgow:

Babie kept lodging house for Sailors. On Saturday night Babie was

making a Haggis, for Sunday’s dinner, when one of her lodgers put

four ounce of quicksilver into the Haggis, unknown to Babie. On

Sunday, Will was left at home to cook the dinner; but when the pot

began to boil, the Haggis would be out of the pot; Will faithful

to his charges held the lid on the pot until his patience was

exhausted--at last Will ran off to the church for Babie; she sat

on one of the back pews; Will beckoned to her two or three times,

Babie as often nodded and winked to Will to be quiet; at last he

bawled out, “Babie come hame, for I believe the deil’s got into the

Haggis, it’ll no bide in the pat, it’s out dancing on the floor,

and if I had not locked the door, I think it would have been at the

kirk as soon’s mysel.”

THE KELLOCHSYDE GRACE.

The following is preserved traditionally as the grace of the farmer

of Kellochsyde or Killocsyde, in Clydesdale:--O Lord, we’r ay

gangan, and we’r ay gettan. We soud ay be cuman to thee, but we’r

ay forgettan. We leive in the gude mailen o’ Kellochsyde, suppan

thy gude peisie kale, puir sinfou sons of ---- that we are. Monie

mercies we receive, gude trowth: and we’r little thankfou for

them, gude feth. Janet, rax by the spunes; and aw praise and glory

sall be thine. Amen.

PATRIMONY AND MATRIMONY.

At an examination of a school in Edinburgh, a gentleman asked one

of the scholars by what name they called property that descended

from a father? “Patrimony,” answered the scholar: and what do you

call it, when descended from a mother? “Matrimony,” was the reply.

THE LIGHT GUINEA.

An Irishman one day walking on the streets of Glasgow, found a

light guinea, and got 18s for it: next day he was walking and sees

another, Allelieu dear honey, says he, I’ll have nothing to do with

you, for I lost 3s by your brother yesterday.

ELDER’S HOURS.

A cunning carle, invested with the semi-sacred office of “Ruling

Elder,” or practically seemingly identified with that office, in

order to gratify an inclination, scratched, wi’ the neb o’ a fork,

the figure 10, on the one side of his outer door, and the figure

11, on the other. By which plan he was able to say wi’ “a good

conscience,” at a’ times and on a’ occasions, that he came ay hame

atween ten and eleven.

THE THISTLE.

A few Scotch and English travellers being met together, an

Englishman took it upon him to run down the Thistle, exclaimed

against the empty boast of its motto; “Nemo me impune lacesset;”

when a Scotchman present observed, “The Thistle, sir, is the pride

of the Scottish nation, but it is nothing in the mouth of an Ass.”

SAGE INSTRUCTIONS.

A labouring Highlandman, who lived in the upper parts of

Perthshire, whose wife was taken in labour, wished him to retire

out of the house. Janet says to him.--“Oh! you be gang awa’,

Duncan, gang awa’!” The man however kept loitering about the door,

seemingly impressed with something of great importance. At last he

cries to his wife, “You speak a me, Shanet! you speak a me!” The

wife asks, “What you say, Duncan?”--“Gie the cummer (the midwife) a

dram, Shanet, gie the cummer a dram!”--“What for Duncan?” “Gie the

cummer a dram, Shanet an’ tell him to mak her a laddie.”

DEATH OF A WATCH.

After the battle of Falkirk, in 1746, a Highlandman was observed

extracting a gold watch from the fob of an English officer who had

been killed. His comrade viewed him with a greedy eye; which the

man taking notice of said to him “Tamn you gapin’ creedy bitch,

gang an’ shoot a shentleman for hersel’, an’ no envie me o’ my pit

watch.” Next morning finding his watch motionless, and meeting his

comrade, says to him, “Och! she no be care muckle about a watch,

an’ you be like mine what will you gie me for her?” The other

replied, “I be venture a kinny.”--“Weel then,” said the other,

“Shust tak her, an’ welcome, for she be die yester night.”

LUMP OF OLD WOOD.

An aged man, named Thomas Wood, sitting on a high three footed

stool in the gallery of the Old Church of Falkirk, during divine

service, happened to fall asleep, tumbled on the floor with a great

noise. The preacher stopped, and demanded the reason of the noise.

“Nothing, Sir,” cries a wag, “But a lump of Old Wood fallen down.”

SCOTCH PARROT.

A Parrot perched upon a pole at a cottage door, basking itself in

the sun, was observed by a rapacious Hawk which happened to be

passing over it, and suddenly dived down and seized poor Poll by

the back, away the Hawk flew with his prey; when passing over the

garden, Polly observed his old friend the Gardener, and exclaimed,

I’m ridin’ noo, John Laurie: Hawky alarmed at hearing a voice so

near, darted into a tree for safety, when, after recovering a

little, commenced to devour poor Poll, when it roared out with all

its might, “will you bite you b----.” The Hawk terrified out of its

wits, flew off with a birr, leaving Poll to proceed homewards at

pleasure.

LONG CREDIT.

Soon after the battle of Preston, two Highlanders, in roaming

through the south of Mid-Lothian, entered the farm-house of

Swanston, near the Pentland Hills, where they found no one at home

but an old woman. They immediately proceeded to search the house,

and soon finding a web of coarse home-spun cloth, made no scruple

to unroll and cut off as much as they thought would make a coat to

each. The woman was exceedingly incenced at their rapacity, roared

and cried, and even had the hardihood to invoke divine vengeance

upon their heads. “Ye villians!” she cried, “ye’ll ha’e to account

for this yet!”--“And when will we pe account for’t?” asked one of

the Highlanders.--“At the last day, ye blackguards!” exclaimed

the woman. “Ta last tay!” replied the Highlander: “Tat pe cood

long credit--we’ll even pe tak a waistcoat too!” at the same time

cutting off a few additional yards of the cloth.

A BRUSH FOR THE BARBER.

A Highlander who sold brooms, went into a barber’s shop in

Glasgow, a few days since to get shaved. The barber bought one of

his brooms, and after having shaved him, asked the price of it;

“Twopence,” said the highlander; “No, no,” said the barber, “I’ll

give you a penny, if that does not satisfy you, take your broom

again.” The Highlander took it, and asked what he had got to pay?

“A penny,” said Strap. “I’ll gi’e ye a baubee,” said Duncan, “an if

that dinna satisfy ye, put on my beard again.”

HOW TO FIND WORK.

A Slater being employed by a gentleman to repair his house in the

country, took along with him a Prentice: when they set to work, and

continued to work for some days, the gentleman having no conception

the job was to be of such duration, came out one morning, and

found the apprentice at work alone, when he expressed himself as

surprised at the continuation of them working so long, and enquired

what had become of his master: to which the boy replied, “that he’s

awa to Glasgow to look for a Job, and if he got ane, this ane would

be done the morn, and if he didna get ane, he didna ken when it

would be done.”

DONALD AND THE LAIRD.

A Scottish Laird and his man, Donald, travelling southward: at the

first English inn, the room in where they were to sleep, containing

a bed for the master and a truckle for the man, which drew forth

from beneath the larger couch. Such furniture being new to the

Highlanders, they mistook the four posted pavilion for the two

beds, and the Laird mounted the tester, while the man occupied the

comfortable lodging below. Finding himself wretchedly cold in the

night, the Laird called to Donald to know how he was accommodated.

“Ne’er sae weel a’ my life,” quoth the gilly. Ha, man, exclaimed

the Laird, “If it was na for the honour of the thing, I could find

in my heart to come down.”

GRAVE-DIGGER OF SORN.

The Grave-Digger of Sorn, Ayrshire, was as selfish and as mean a

sinner as ever handled mattock, or carried mortcloth. He was a very

quarrelous and discontented old man, with a voice like the whistle

of the wind thro’ a key hole. On a bleak Sunday afternoon in the

country, an acquaintance from a neighbouring parish accosted him

one day, and asked how the world was moving with him, “Oh, very

puirly, sir, very puirly indeed,” was the answer, “the yard has

done naething ava for us this Summer, if ye like to believe me, I

havna buriet a leevin’ soul this sax weeks.”

EXPENCE OF A WIFE.

An old bachelor who lived in a very economical style, both as

regards food and clothing, and not altogether so very trig as

some bachelors sometimes appear, was frequently attacked by his

acquaintances on the propriety of taking a wife; he was very

smartly set upon one day, and told how snod a wife would keep him,

and many other fine things to induce him to take a wife, and among

the rest, what a comfort it would be to him, if it was for nothing

else, but to mak his puritch in the morning; says he, “I dinna

doubt but she wad mak my puritch, put the plauge is, she wad be

fair to sup the half o’ them.”

CHARITY.

A person who resides in the ancient town of Killwinning, proverbial

for his liberality in meat and drink, to friends and acquaintances;

strangers too, seldom passed without experiencing a due share

of his kindness; lately while feasting nearly a dozen of random

visitors on “Pat Luck,” a beggar called at the door soliciting

charity, when he very good humouredly called out, “I canna help you

the day, I hae plenty o’ your kin here already.”

DISTINCTION OF SONS AND DAUGHTERS.

About the year thretty-sax, a company differed, “Whether it was

better for a man to hae sons or daughters?” They cou’dna gree, but

disputed it pro and con. At last, one of them said to Graham of

Kinross, (wha hadna yoked wi’ them in the argument,) “Laird, what’s

your opinion?” Quo he, “I had three lads and three lasses; I watna

whilk o them I liked best sae lang as they sucket their mither;

but de’il hae my share o’ the callants, when they came to suck

their father.”

BIRD’S NEST.

The mother of a respectable Grocer in a town in the west, called

her son to her, while on her death-bed, and declared to him that

his reputed father was not really his father; but that such a one

(nameing him) really was his father; and that the deed was done one

night while journeying from Greenock, when at the Clun-Brae-Head;

this story got wing, and ran through the town like wildfire, and

was a fine source of amusement for some time. One day, a boy

vulgarly named the “Linty,” went into the said Grocer’s shop to

purchase some article, when he was assailed with “Weel, Linty,

whar is tu gaun to big thy nest the year?” The boy replied, “I was

thinkin’ to big it down about the Clun-Brae-head.”

THE GREAT WANT.

A female pauper, lately made a very strong and forcible appeal to

the elders and heritors of a certain parish, for an advance of 4s.

6d.--Some one of the grave quorum enquired what made her so urgent

on this occasion, when she had lately got a supply of coals,

shoes, &c., to this she replied--“Why, deed sirs, it’s just to

buy a pair o’ corsets to my daughter Tibboc, ilk lass that’s ocht

respectable has them but hersel’, so ye see she canna do wantin

them, an’ ye maun e’en let me ha’t sirs.”

CAPTAIN SILK.

In a party of ladies, on it being reported that a Captain Silk had

arrived in town, they exclaimed, with one exception, ‘What a name

for a soldier!’ ‘The fittest name in the world,’ replied a witty

female, ‘for Silk never can be Worsted!’

MARCH OF INTELLECT.

Two country carters, passing the entrance to the Arcade, Argyll

street, Glasgow, observed painted on the wall, “No Dogs to enter

here.” “No Dogs to enter here!” exclaimed one of them, “I’m sure

there’s nae use for that there.” “What way, Jock,” replied the

other. “’Cause dogs canna read signs,” said he. “Ha, ha, Jock,

ye’re maybe wrang, I’se warran ye gentle folk’s dogs ’ill ken’t

brawley, for there’s schools, noo, whar they learn the dumb baith

to read an’ speak.”

HOW TO READ A SIGN-BOARD.

A Highland Drover passing through a certain town, noticed a

Sign-board above an entry, with the following inscription:

Green Teas, Raw Sugars, Marmalades, Jellies, Capped Biscuits, and

all sorts of Confectionary Goods, sold down this entry.

read it as follows:--

Green Trees, Raw Sodgers, Mermaids, Jades, Scabbed Bitches, and all

sorts of Confusionary Goods, sold down this entry.

ADDITION.

A farmer’s Son, who had been some time at the university, coming

home to visit his father and mother; and being one night with the

old folks at supper, on a couple of fowls, he told them, that by

the rules of logic and arithmetic, he could prove these two fowls

to be three.--“Well, let us hear,” said the old man; “Why this,”

said the scholar, “is one, and this,” continued he, “is two, two

and one, you know make three.”--“Since ye hae made it out sae

weel,” answered the old man, “your mother shall hae the first fowl,

I’ll hae the second, and the third you may keep to yoursell.”

FINIS.

TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE

Obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been

corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within

the text and consultation of external sources.

Several missing opening quotation marks have been inserted; many

missing closing quotation marks have been inserted.

Except for those changes noted below, all dialect in the text,

all misspellings, and inconsistent or archaic usage, have been

retained.

Witty Sayings and Exploits of George Buchanan.

Pg 7: ‘was she delivered’ replaced by ‘was he delivered’.

Adventures of Bamfylde Moore Carew.

Pg 20: ‘bnt being saluted’ replaced by ‘but being saluted’.

Daniel O’Rourke’s Voyage to the Moon.

Pg 5: ‘bog, bog; could’ replaced by ‘bog, bog; I could’.

Pg 5: ‘Daniel O’Rouke,’ replaced by ‘Daniel O’Rourke,’.

Pg 20: ‘and conld tell’ replaced by ‘and could tell’.

Pg 23: ‘was preocoupied with’ replaced by ‘was preoccupied with’.

The Comical Tricks of Lothian Tom, &c.

Pg 12: ‘lamenting there’ replaced by ‘lamenting their’.

Pg 13: ‘is a great theif’ replaced by ‘is a great thief’.

Comical History of the King and the Cobbler.

Pg 3: ‘casualities which’ replaced by ‘casualties which’.

Pg 8: ‘his Chesire cheese’ replaced by ‘his Cheshire cheese’.

Pg 8: ‘Joan begings to’ replaced by ‘Joan begins to’.

Pg 10: ‘pull of his shirt’ replaced by ‘pull off his shirt’.

Pg 12: ‘replied the yoeman’ replaced by ‘replied the yeoman’.

Pg 12: ‘to him instanly’ replaced by ‘to him instantly’.

Pg 15: ‘loath to loose’ replaced by ‘loath to lose’.

Pg 21: ‘supply his expences’ replaced by ‘supply his expenses’.

Pg 22: ‘ran and eat’ replaced by ‘ran and ate’.

Pg 23: ‘so embarassed that’ replaced by ‘so embarrassed that’.

John Cheap, the Chapman.

Pg 13: ‘but yesternigh’ replaced by ‘but yesternight’.

Pg 13: ‘take on my waller’ replaced by ‘take on my wallet’.

Pg 16: ‘country villiage,’ replaced by ‘country village,’.

Pg 17: ‘this wicked webster’ replaced by ‘this wicked wabster’.

Simple John and his Twelve Misfortunes.

Pg 2: ‘as monv a ane’ replaced by ‘as mony a ane’.

Pg 7: ‘back on Mononday’ replaced by ‘back on Monday’.

Pg 10: ‘ano then he’ replaced by ‘and then he’.

Pg 10: ‘could naud nae’ replaced by ‘could haud nae’.

Pg 23: ‘pleaded for im’ replaced by ‘pleaded for him’.

The Wise Men of Gotham.

Pg 9: ‘At the begining’ replaced by ‘At the beginning’.

Mansie Waugh, Tailor in Dalkeith.

Pg 4: ‘searcely could he’ replaced by ‘scarcely could he’.

Pg 7: ‘of heavenly bope’ replaced by ‘of heavenly hope’.

Pg 8: ‘spirit of industrous’ replaced by ‘spirit of industrious’.

Pg 11: ‘an houest way’ replaced by ‘an honest way’.

Pg 14: ‘au auld-fashioned’ replaced by ‘an auld-fashioned’.

Pg 15: ‘the saut saut tears’ replaced by ‘the saut tears’.

Pg 15: ‘cry Jack Robison’ replaced by ‘cry Jack Robinson’.

Pg 17: ‘The rascel had’ replaced by ‘The rascal had’.

Pg 19: ‘Are e no descended’ replaced by ‘Are ye no descended’.

Pg 19: ‘as weel as ou ain’ replaced by ‘as weel as our ain’.

Pg 22: ‘a I wonder’ replaced by ‘all. I wonder’.

Pg 23: ‘a sound aleep’ replaced by ‘a sound sleep’.

Jockey and Maggie’s Courtship.

Pg 5: ‘but foulks may’ replaced by ‘but fouks may’.

Pg 13: ‘So this distubed’ replaced by ‘So this disturbed’.

Pg 16: ‘Mith. O woman!’ replaced by ‘Mar. O woman!’.

Pg 19: ‘that are rouud’ replaced by ‘that are round’.

Pg 22: ‘which coucludes the’ replaced by ‘which concludes the’.

Pg 23: ‘a tims or twa’ replaced by ‘a time or twa’.

The Coalman’s Courtship.

Pg 5: ‘tell the neihbours’ replaced by ‘tell the neighbours’.

Pg 7: “the lassie I’ll” replaced by “the lassie’ll”.

History of Buckhaven: Wise Willy and Witty Eppy.

Pg 11: ‘say one one place’ replaced by ‘say one place’.

Pg 21: ‘do for naethig’ replaced by ‘do for naething’.

Pg 24: ‘before Wise Wille’ replaced by ‘before Wise Willie’.

The Dominie Deposed. Maggie Johnston’s Elegy.

Pg 6: “his ma’t-brec” replaced by “his ma’t-bree”.

Pg 23: the last word on each of the first two lines was unclear;

they have been rendered as:

Whan we were wearied at the gouff,

Then Maggy Johnston’s was our houff,

A Groat’s Worth of Fun for a Penny.

Pg 2: ‘Helm-a lee, messmate’ replaced by ‘Helm a-lee, messmate’.

Pg 6: ‘and point-to’ replaced by ‘and pointed to’.

Pg 6: ‘Military Monœuvre’ replaced by ‘Military Manœuvre’.

Pg 17: ‘gone to’ replaced by ‘gone too.’.

Pg 23: ‘he first recoverd’ replaced by ‘he first recovered’.

Pg 23: ‘ago a nawker’ replaced by ‘ago a hawker’.

The Comical Sayings of Paddy from Cork.

Pg 1: ‘FOR THE BOOKSELERS’ replaced by ‘FOR THE BOOKSELLERS’.

Pg 3: ‘Cork iu Ireland?’ replaced by ‘Cork is in Ireland?‘.

Pg 4: ‘grown a a big’ replaced by ‘grown a big’.

Pg 5: ‘the hairs were not’ replaced by ‘the hares were not’.

Pg 16: ‘was a great theif’ replaced by ‘was a great thief’.

Pg 18: ‘a good safegaurd’ replaced by ‘a good safeguard’.

Pg 23: ‘blackgaurd scoundrels’ replaced by ‘blackguard scoundrels’.

Pg 24: ‘cut and castcate’ replaced by ‘cut and castrate’.

Fun upon Fun; or, Leper the Tailor, &c.

Pg 5: ‘strugling to get’ replaced by ‘struggling to get’.

Pg 6: ‘gave thee poor’ replaced by ‘gave the poor’.

Pg 11: ‘had been beseiging’ replaced by ‘had been besieging’.

Pg 23: ‘reconnitres the’ replaced by ‘reconnoitres the’.

John Falkirk’s Cariches.

Pg 3: ‘infalible remedy is’ replaced by ‘infallible remedy is’.

Pg 8: ‘and and when in bed’ replaced by ‘and when in bed’.

Pg 8: ‘a lawsuit aganst’ replaced by ‘a lawsuit against’.

Pg 14: ‘to one anther’ replaced by ‘to one another’.

Pg 19: ‘steping forward’ replaced by ‘stepping forward’.

Pg 21: ‘the evil on himself’ replaced by ‘the evil one himself’.

Pg 22: ‘who was doubtess’ replaced by ‘who was doubtless’.

Grinning made Easy,--Funny Dick’s Jokes.

Pg 5: ‘your buisness to’ replaced by ‘your business to’.

Pg 6: ‘unfavourable countence’ replaced by ‘unfavourable

countenance’.

Pg 8: ‘coolness, answer-’ replaced by ‘coolness, answered,’.

Pg 12: ‘a perpetual soure’ replaced by ‘a perpetual source’.

Pg 13: ‘ou a Physician’ replaced by ‘on a Physician’.

Pg 15: ‘are now synonimous’ replaced by ‘are now synonymous’.

Pg 16: ‘said the docter’ replaced by ‘said the doctor’.

Pg 16: ‘English geutleman’ replaced by ‘English gentleman’.

Pg 18: ‘want of a laundres’ replaced by ‘want of a laundress’.

Pg 19: ‘trelate said’ replaced by ‘the prelate said’.

Pg 20: ‘friend G......s’ replaced by ‘friend G----s’.

Pg 23: ‘and and stated that’ replaced by ‘and stated that’.

Pg 23: ‘was quiet deaf’ replaced by ‘was quite deaf’.

The Scotch Haggis; or, Choice Bon-Mots.

Pg 9: ‘your honse before’ replaced by ‘your house before’.

Pg 9: ‘the the wife said’ replaced by ‘the wife said’.

Pg 10: ‘of the parishoners’ replaced by ‘of the parishioners’.

Pg 13: ‘but four ounce of’ replaced by ‘put four ounce of’.

Pg 14: ‘the cemi-sacred’ replaced by ‘the semi-sacred’.

Pg 14: ‘indentified with that’ replaced by ‘identified with that’.

Pg 15: ‘mak her laddie’ replaced by ‘mak her a laddie’.

End of Project Gutenberg's John Cheap, the Chapman's Library:, by Various