“And youthful still, in your doublet and hose, this raw
rheumatic day?”
“His thefts were too open; his filching was like an
unskilful singer, he kept not time.... Convey, the wise
it call. 'Steal!' foh! a fico for the phrase!”--
_Shakspeare._
“From _Greenland's_ icy mountains.”--_Heber_.
AMONGST the minor phenomena which are hourly occurring in the details
of everyday life, although we are seldom sufficiently close observers to
perceive them, there is none more remarkable than the change wrought in
our feelings and ideas by a good night's rest; and never was this change
more strikingly exemplified than on the present occasion. I had fallen
asleep in the act of performing the character of chief-mourner at my own
funeral, and I awoke ~13~~in the highest possible health and spirits,
with a strong determination never to “say die” under any conceivable
aspect affairs might assume. “What in the world,” said I to myself, as I
sprang out of bed, and began to dress,--“What in the world was there for
me to make myself so miserable about last night? Suppose Cumberland and
Lawless should laugh at, and tease me a little at first, what does it
signify? I must take it in good part as long as I can, and if that does
not do I must speak seriously to them--tell them they really annoy me
and make me uncomfortable, and then, of course, they will leave off. As
to Coleman, I am certain------Well, it's very odd!”--this last remark
was elicited by the fact that a search I had been making for some
minutes, in every place possible and impossible, for that indispensable
article of male attire, my trousers, had proved wholly ineffectual,
although I had a distinct recollection of having placed them carefully
on a chair by my bedside the previous night. There, however, they
certainly were not now, nor, as far as I could discover, anywhere else
in the room. Under these circumstances, ringing the bell for Thomas
seemed advisable, as it occurred to me that he had probably abstracted
the missing garment for the purpose of brushing. In a few moments he
answered the summons, and, with a face bright from the combined effects
of a light heart and a severe application of yellow soap, inquired, “if
I had rung for my shaving water?”
“Why, no---I do not--that is, it was not--I seldom shave of a morning;
for the fact is, I have no beard to shave as yet.”
“Oh, sir, that's no reason; there's Mr. Coleman's not got the leastest
westige of a hair upon his chin, and he's been mowing away with the
greatest of persewerance for the last six months, and sends his rashier
to be ground every three weeks, regilar, in order to _get_ a beard--but
what can I do for you, sir?”
“Why,” replied I, trying to look grave, “it's very odd, but I have
lost--that is, I can't find--my trousers anywhere. I put them on this
chair last night, I know.”
“Umph! that's sing'lar, too; I was just a coming upstairs to brush 'em
for you; you did not hear anybody come into your room after you went to
bed, did you, sir?”
“No; but then I was so tired--I slept as sound as a top.”
“Ah! I shouldn't much wonder if Mr. Coleman knew something about 'em:
perhaps you had better put on another pair, and, if I can find 'em, I'll
bring 'em back after breakfast.”
This was very good advice, and, therefore, of course, ~14~~impossible
to follow; for, on examining my trunk, lo and behold! dress pantaloons,
white ducks, _et hoc genus omne_, had totally disappeared, and I seemed
to stand a very good chance of making my first appearance at my tutor's
breakfast-table in an extemporary “kilt,” improvised for the occasion
out of two towels and a checked neckcloth. In this extremity Thomas, as
a last resource, knocked at Coleman's door, informing him that I
should be glad to speak to him--a proceeding speedily followed by the
appearance of that gentleman _in propria persona_.
“Good-morning, Fairlegh! hope you slept well. You are looking cold; had
not you better get some clothes on? Mildman will be down in a minute,
and there will be a pretty row if we are not all there; he's precious
particular, I can tell you.”
“That is exactly what I want to do,” replied I; “but the fact is,
somebody has taken away all my trousers in the night.”
“Bless me! you don't say so? Another case of pilfering! this is getting
serious: I will call Lawless--I say, Lawless!” “Well, what's the row?”
was the reply. “Have the French landed? or is the kitchen chimney on
fire? eh! What do I behold! Fairlegh, lightly and elegantly attired in
nothing but his shirt, and Thomas standing like Niobe, the picture of
woe! Here's a sight for a father!”
“Why, it's a bad job,” said Coleman; “do you know, here's another case
of pilfering; Fairlegh has had all his trousers stolen in the night.”
“You don't say so!” rejoined Lawless: “what is to be done? It must be
stopped somehow: we had better tell him all we know about it. Thomas,
leave the room.”
Thomas obeyed, giving me a look of great intelligence, the meaning of
which, however, I was totally at a loss to conceive, as he went; and
Lawless continued:--
“I am afraid you will hardly believe us,--it is really a most unheard-of
thing,--but we have lately missed a great many of our clothes, and we
have every reason to suspect (I declare I can scarcely bear to mention
it) that Mildman takes them himself, fancying, of course, that, placed
by his position so entirely above suspicion, he may do it with
impunity. We have suspected this for some time; and lately one or two
circumstances--old clothesmen having been observed leaving his study, a
pawn-ticket falling out of his waistcoat pocket one day as he went out
of our parlour, etc.--have put the matter beyond a doubt; but he has
never gone to such an extent as this before. Mind you don't mention a
word of this to Thomas, for, bad as ~15~~Mildman is, one would not wish
to show him up before his own servant.”
“Good gracious!” cried I, “but you are joking, it never can be
really true!” Reading, however, in the solemn, not to say distressed,
expression of their faces indisputable evidence of the reality of the
accusation, I continued: “I had no idea such things ever could take
place, and he a clergyman, too!--dreadful! but what in the world am I
to do? I have not got a pair of trousers to put on. Oh! if he would
but have taken anything else, even my watch instead, I should not have
minded--what shall I do?”
“Why really,” replied Coleman, “it is not so easy to advise: you can't
go down as you are, that's certain. Suppose you were to wrap yourself up
in a blanket, and go and tell him you have found him out, and that you
will call a policeman if he does not give you your clothes instantly;
have it out with him fairly, and check the thing effectually once for
all--eh?”
“No, that won't do,” said Lawless. “I should say, sit down quietly (how
cold you must be!) and write him a civil note, saying, that you had
reason to believe he had borrowed your trousers (that's the way I should
put it), and that you would be very much gratified by his lending you
a pair to wear to-day; and then you can stick in something about
your having been always accustomed to live with people who were very
particular in regard to dress, and that you are sorry you are obliged to
trouble him for such a trifle; in fact, do a bit of the respectful, and
then pull up short with 'obedient pupil,' etc.”
“Ay, that's the way to do it,” said Coleman, “in the shop-fellow's
style, you know--much obliged for past favours, and hope for a
continuance of the same--more than _you_ do, though, Fairlegh, I should
fancy; but there goes the bell--I am off,” and away he scudded, followed
by Lawless humming:--
“Brian O'Lynn had no breeches to wear,
So he took an old catskin, and made him a pair.”
Here was a pretty state of things: the breakfast bell had rung, and I,
who considered being too late a crime of the first magnitude, was unable
even to begin dressing from the melancholy fact that every pair of
trousers I possessed in the world had disappeared; while, to complete my
misery, I was led to believe the delinquent who had abstracted them
was no less a person than the tutor, whom I had come fully prepared to
regard with feelings of the utmost respect and veneration.
~16~~However, in such a situation, thinking over my miseries was worse
than useless; _something_ must be done at once--but what? Write the note
as Lawless had advised? No, it was useless to think of that; I felt
I could not do it. “Ah! a bright idea!--I'll try it.” So, suiting the
action to the word, I rang the bell, and then jumping into bed muffled
myself up in the bedclothes.
“Well, sir, have you found them?” asked Thomas, entering.
“No, Thomas,” replied I dolefully, “nor ever shall, I fear; but will you
go to 'Dr. Mildman, and tell him, with my respects, that I cannot get up
to breakfast this morning, and, if he asks what is the matter with me,
say that I am prevented from coming down by _severe cold_. I am sure
that is true enough,” added I, shivering.
“Well, sir, I will, if you wish it; but I don't exactly see the good of
it; you _must_ get up some time or other.”
“I don't know,” replied I gloomily, “we shall see; only do you take my
message.”
And he accordingly left the room, muttering as he did so, “Well, I calls
this a great deal too bad, and I'll tell master of it myself, if nobody
else won't”.
“Tell master of it himself!”--he also suspected him then. This crushed
my last faint hope that, after all, it might turn out to be only a trick
of the pupils; and, overpowered by the utter vileness and depravity of
him who was set in authority over me, I buried my face in the pillow,
feeling a strong inclination to renew the lamentations of the preceding
night. Not many minutes had elapsed when the sound of a heavy footstep
slowly ascending the stairs attracted my attention. I raised my head,
and beheld the benevolent countenance (for even then it certainly did
wear a benevolent expression) of my wicked tutor, regarding me with a
mingled look of scrutiny and pity.
“Why, Fairlegh, what's all this?--Thomas tells me you are not able to
come down to breakfast; you are not ill, I hope?”
“No, sir,” replied I, “I don't think I am very ill, but I _can't_ come
down to breakfast.”
“Not ill, and yet you can't come down to breakfast! pray, what in the
world prevents you?”
“Perhaps,” said I (for I was becoming angry at what I considered his
unparalleled effrontery, and thought I would give him a hint that he
could not deceive me so easily as he seemed to expect), “perhaps you can
tell that better than I can.”
~17~~“I, my boy!--I'm afraid not; my pretensions to the title of doctor
are based on divinity, not physic:--however, put out your tongue--that's
right enough; let me feel your hand--a little cold or so, but nothing to
signify; did this kind of seizure ever happen to you at home?”
Well, this was adding insult to injury with a vengeance; not content
with stealing my clothes himself, but actually asking me whether such
things did not happen at home! The wretch! thought I; does he suppose
that everybody is as wicked as himself?
“No,” I answered, my voice trembling with the anger I was scarcely
able to repress; “no, sir, such a thing never could happen in my dear
father's house.”
“There, don't agitate yourself; you seem excited: perhaps you _had_
better lie in bed a little longer; I will send you up something warm,
and after that you may feel more inclined to get up,” said he kindly,
adding to himself, as he left the room, “Very strange boy--I can't make
him out at all”.
The door closed, and I was once more alone. “Is he guilty or not
guilty?” thought I; “if he really has taken the clothes, he is the most
accomplished hypocrite I ever heard of; yet he _must_ have done so,
everything combines to prove it--Thomas's speech--nay, even his own
offer of sending me 'something warm'; something warm, indeed! what do
I want with anything warm, except my trousers? No! the fact was beyond
dispute; they were gone, and he had stolen them, whilst I, unhappy
youth, was entirely in his power, and had not therefore a chance
of redress. 'But I will not bear it,' cried I, 'I'll write to my
father--I'll run away--I'll------'”
“Hurrah!” shouted Thomas, rushing into the room with his arm full of
clothes, “here they are, sir; I have found the whole kit of them at
last.”
“Where?” exclaimed I eagerly.
“Where? why in such a queer place!” replied he, “stuffed up the chimbley
in master's study; but I have given them a good brushing, and they are
none the worse for it, except them blessed white ducks; they are almost
black ducks now, though they will wash, so that don't signify none.”
“Up the chimney, in master's study!” here was at last proof positive; my
clothes had been actually found in his possession--oh, the wickedness of
this world!
“But how did you ever find them?” asked I.
“Why! I happened to go in to fetch something, and I see'd a little bit
of the leg of one of them hanging down ~18~~the chimbley, so I guessed
how it all was, directly. I think I know how they got there, too; they
did not walk there by themselves, I should say.”
“I wish they had,” muttered I.
“I thought _somebody_ was up too early this morning to be about any
good,” continued he; “he is never out of bed till the last moment,
without there's some mischief in the wind.”
This was pretty plain speaking, however. Thomas was clearly as well
aware of his master's nefarious practices as the pupils themselves,
and Lawless's amiable desire to conceal Dr. Mildman's sins from his
servant's knowledge was no longer of any avail. I hastened, therefore
(the only reason for silence being thus removed), to relieve my mind
from the burden of just indignation which was oppressing it.
“And can you, Thomas,” exclaimed I, with flashing eyes, “remain the
servant of a man who dares thus to outrage every law, human and divine?
one who having taken upon himself the sacred office of a clergyman of
the Church of England, and so made it his especial duty to set a good
example to all around him, can take advantage of the situation in which
he is placed in regard to his pupils, and actually demean himself by
purloining the clothes of the young men” (I felt five-and-twenty at
the very least at that moment) “committed to his charge?--why, my
father------”
What I imagined my father would have said or done under these
circumstances was fated to remain a mystery, as my eloquence was brought
to a sudden conclusion by my consternation, when a series of remarkable
phenomena, which had been developing themselves during my harangue in
the countenance of Thomas, terminated abruptly in what appeared to me a
fit of most unmitigated insanity. A look of extreme astonishment, which
he had assumed at the beginning of my speech, had given place to an
expression of mingled surprise and anger as I continued; which again
in its turn had yielded to a grin of intense amusement, growing every
moment broader and broader, accompanied by a spasmodic twitching of his
whole person; and, as I mentioned his master's purloining my trousers,
he suddenly sprang up from the floor nearly a yard high, and commenced
an extempore _pas seul_ of a Jim Crow character, which he continued with
unabated vigour during several minutes. This “_Mazurka d'ecstase_,” or
whatever a ballet-master would have called it, having at length, to my
great joy, concluded, the performer of it sank exhausted into a chair,
and regarding me with a face still ~19~~somewhat the worse for his late
violent exertions favoured me with the following geographical remark:--
“Well, I never did believe in the existence of sich a place as Greenland
before, but there's nowhere else as you could have come from, sir, I am
certain.”
“Eh! why! what's the matter with you? have I done anything particularly
'green,' as you call it? what are you talking about?” said I, not
feeling exactly pleased at the reception my virtuous indignation had met
with.
“Oh! don't be angry, sir; I am sure I did not mean to offend you; but
really I could not help it, when I heard you say about master's having
stole your things. Oh lor!” he added, holding his sides with both hands,
“how my precious sides do ache, sure-ly!”
“Do you consider that any laughing matter?” said I, still in the dark.
“Oh! don't, sir, don't say it again, or you will be the death of
me,” replied Thomas, struggling against a relapse; “why, bless your
innocence, what could ever make you think master would take your
clothes?”
“Make me think? why, Lawless told me so,” answered I, “and he also said
it was not the first time such a thing had occurred either.”
“You'll have enough to do, sir, if you believe all our young gents tell
you; why, master would as soon think of flying as of stealing anything.
It was Mr. Coleman as put them up the chimbley; he's always a playing
some trick or another for everlasting.”
A pause ensued, during which the whole affair in its true bearings
became for the first time clear to my mind's eye; the result of my
cogitations may be gathered from the following remark, which escaped me
as it were involuntarily--“What a confounded ass I have made of myself,
_to be sure_!”
Should any of my readers be rude enough to agree with me in this
particular, let them reflect for a moment on the peculiar position
in which I was placed. Having lived from childhood in a quiet country
parsonage, with my father and mother, and a sister younger than myself,
as my sole companions, “mystification”--that is, telling deliberate
falsehoods by way of a joke--was a perfectly novel idea to me; and,
when that joke involved the possibility of such serious consequences as
offending the tutor under whose care we were placed, I (wholly ignorant
of the impudence and recklessness of public school boys) considered such
a solution of the mystery inconceivable. Moreover, everything around me
was so strange, and so entirely ~20~~different from the habits of life
in which I had been hitherto brought up, that for the time my mind was
completely bewildered. I appeared to have lost my powers of judgment,
and to have relapsed, as far as intellect was concerned, into childhood
again. My readers must excuse this digression, but it appeared to me
necessary to explain how it was possible for a lad of fifteen to have
been made the victim of such a palpably absurd deception without its
involving the necessity of his not being “so sharp as he should be”.
The promised “something warm” made its appearance ere long, in the shape
of tea and toast, which, despite my alarming seizure, I demolished with
great gusto in bed (for I did not dare to get up), feeling, from the
fact of my having obtained it under false pretences, very like a culprit
all the while. Having finished my breakfast, and allowed sufficient time
to elapse for my recovery, I got up, and, selecting a pair of trousers
which appeared to have suffered less from their sojourn in the chimney
than the others, dressed myself, and soon after eleven o'clock made my
appearance in the pupils' room, where I found Dr. Mildman seated at his
desk, and the pupils apparently very hard at work.
“How do you find yourself now you are up, Fairlegh?” inquired my tutor
kindly.
“Quite well, sir, thank you,” I replied, feeling like an impostor.
“Quite recovered?” continued he.
“Everything--entirely, I mean,” stammered I, thinking of my trousers.
“That's well, and now let us see what kind of Latin and Greek lining you
have got to your head.”
So saying, without appearing to notice the tittering of the pupils, he
pointed to a seat by his side, and commenced what I considered a very
formidable examination, with the view of eliciting the extent of my
acquaintance with the writers of antiquity, which proved to be extremely
select. When he had thoroughly satisfied (or dissatisfied) himself upon
this point, he recommended Horace and Xenophon to my particular notice,
adding, that Coleman was also directing his attention to the sayings
and doings of the same honourable and learned gentlemen--and that,
therefore, we were to work together. He then explained to me certain
rules and regulations of his establishment, to which he added a few
moral remarks, conveying the information, that, if I always did exactly
what he considered right, and scrupulously avoided everything he deemed
wrong, I might relieve my mind from all fears of ~21~~his displeasure,
which was, to say the least, satisfactory, if not particularly original.
Exactly as the clock struck one Dr. Mildman left the room (the morning's
“study,” as it was called, ending at that hour), leaving us our own
masters till five, at which time we dined. Lest any kind reader should
fancy we were starved, let me add, that at half-past one a substantial
luncheon was provided, of which we might partake or not as we pleased.
As well as I remember we generally did graciously incline towards the
demolition of the viands, unless “metal more attractive” awaited us
elsewhere--but I am digressing.