* * * * *
_Friday, 25 January, 1895._
My dear Lucie:
Your letter of yesterday wrung my heart. The sorrow transpierced every
word.
Never, surely, have two unfortunate creatures suffered as we suffer. If
I had not faith in the future, if my conscience, clean and pure, did not
tell me that such an error cannot exist eternally, I should, of a truth,
give way to the darkest thoughts. I should despair. Once, as you know, I
determined to kill myself; I yielded to your remonstrances; I have
promised you to live, for you have made me realize that I have not the
right to desert my post; because I am innocent I must live. But alas! if
you could know how, sometimes, it is more difficult to live than to die!
But be tranquil, my darling; no matter how I am tortured I shall not
belie your generous efforts. I will live ... as long as my physical
strength and, above all, my moral strength hold out.
All night long I thought of you, my darling; I suffered with you. I have
written to you every day since last Saturday. I hope that by this time
you have received all my letters.
I do not know either on whom or on what to fix my ideas. When I look
back to the past anger rises to my brain, so impossible it seems to me
that everything has been thus wrested from me. When I look to the
present, my plight is so wretched that my thoughts turn toward death, in
which I might forget all my misery. It is only when I look forward to
the future that I have a moment of consolation, for, as I have just told
you, hope is all that gives me life.
Just now I gazed for several minutes at the pictures of our dear
children; but I could not bear to look at them longer; my sobs strangled
me. Yes, my darling, I must live. I must bear my martyrdom to the end,
for the name borne by these dear little ones. Some day they must learn
that this name is worthy to be honored, to be respected; they must be
sure that if I hold the honor of many men below my own, there is none
that I hold above it.
Ah, surely it is full time that this horrible suffering to which we are
all subjected should end! I dare not think of it. Everything within me
swells my heart to bursting.