Dear Jeanne must be changing in her appearance. Is she becoming as
handsome as a girl as her brother is handsome as a boy?
* * * * *
_Thursday, 17 January, 1895, 9 o’clock._
What a part these accursed nerves play in human life! Why cannot we
entirely disengage our material being from our moral personality, so
that one shall not influence the other?
My moral personality is always salient, always strong, as ever resolved
to go on to the end; it is determined to face all. I must get back my
honor that they tore from me, although I had never faltered. But my
material personality is subjected to rude shocks. My nerves, which have
been too tensely strung during nearly three months, make me suffer
horribly at times, and I have not even the resource of violent physical
exercise by which to subdue them. I am to be given some medicine to-day
to relax their tension.
Ah, when I think of those who have accused me and caused my
condemnation! May remorse pursue them and make them bear the anguish
that I am bearing. But let us talk of other things.
How are you, my darling? How are the children? I hope that you all may
continue to be well. Be careful of yourself; you have not the right to
allow yourself to be broken down. You have need of all your courage and
of all your energy; and therefore you need all your physical strength.
At last the time has come. To-morrow will be Friday. How long that day
is in coming! Happily the time seemed a little less long this week; for
yesterday and the day before I heard of you from those who came to see
me.
After all, why should not I, too, have confidence, when I feel around me
all this friendship, all this affection, all this devotion!
But that which I must have above all things is patience.
* * * * *
_2 o’clock._
They have given me your letter of yesterday. I find that I moan enough
of my own accord without encouragement from you to do so still more. Ah,
how terrible this helplessness is, when I long to cry aloud my
innocence, proclaim it, prove it! Well, all this will do no good. It is
necessary, as I cannot reiterate too often, as every one must have told
you for me--it is necessary to search on without truce, without rest.
The will is a lever which pries up and breaks in pieces all obstacles.
Yesterday I received a good letter from your sister; to-day one from
your mother. I have, alas! nothing in particular to tell them. My life,
you know it hour by hour. You can describe it to them as completely as I
could. Tell your mother that she must not fear anything. I have nervous
weakness, which is easily explained, but my mind remains strong. My soul
needs the truth, it demands its honor, and it shall have it. I shall
not belie your efforts.
Sooner or later, my darling, our happiness will return to us. I have the
firm conviction of this. The hardest of all is to have the patience that
is absolutely necessary. Happy is it for you that you have a powerful
diversion--action.
Until to-morrow, my darling, when I shall have the pleasure of seeing
you, of talking with you, of kissing you!
A thousand kisses.
Your devoted husband,