* * * * *
_14 January, 1895, Monday, 9 o’clock in the morning._
At last the happy day has come again when I can have the happiness of
seeing you, of kissing you, of receiving news by word of mouth of you
all. I have so many things to tell you; but when I see you shall not I
again, in the emotion which will seize me, forget everything? Last night
again I could not sleep until two o’clock. I was thinking of you, of you
all, of this fearful enigma which I long to decipher. I have turned over
in my mind a thousand ways, each more violent, more extravagant than the
other, by which to rend the veil which shields the monster.
How can I help it, my darling? Night and day I think only of that. My
mind is always straining to reach that end, and I cannot help you in any
way. It is the feeling of my utter helplessness which hurts me most.
I try hard to read, but while my eyes follow the lines my thoughts
wander.
And now, immediately, my darling, I am to have the joy of seeing you!
Waiting for that moment, I pace my cell like a lion in its cage.
* * * * *
_14 January, 1895, 1 o’clock._
The time drags slowly; the minutes are hours. How can I use up my
energy! How can I restrain my heart! Sometimes I lose my patience. It is
not the courage, the energy that I lack--you know it well--and my
conscience gives me superhuman force, but it is this terrible idleness,
this longing to be able to help you to pursue the only object of my
life, to discover the wretch who has stolen my honor; this is what burns
in my blood. Ah, I would rather mount alone to the assault of ten
redoubts than be here powerless, inactive, waiting passively for the
truth to be revealed! I envy the man who breaks stones on the highway,
absorbed in his mechanical labor. But, my darling, I shall soon see you
now, and you will give me back my patience.
* * * * *
_3 o’clock._
Already the time has passed as in a dream, ... and I had so many things
to tell you, ... and then when I am
[Illustration: CAPTAIN ALFRED DREYFUS
This portrait is enlarged from a photograph taken on the occasion of his
degradation.]
in your presence I look at you, I no longer can remember anything. All
that happens to me then appears a dream; it seems to me that never again
shall we be separated--that I am awaking from my horrible nightmare. But
alas! then comes reality--our parting.
Ah, the wretch who committed the crime--who stole our honor! It is no
ordinary punishment that he deserves. When the day comes and his guilt
is known I hope that public opinion may nail his name to the pillory of
history, that his punishment may be beyond all that we can imagine.
I ask you to forgive me for my weakness, for my impatience. But think,
my darling, what these long hours are to me--these long days.
But I am calmer after each interview. I draw new strength, a new store
of patience from your looks, from your love.
Ah, the truth! We must reveal it, it must shine forth clear and
luminous. I live only for that; I live only by that hope.
And this truth, as you have so truly said, must be entire,
absolute--there must be left no doubt in the mind of any one. My
innocence must burst forth. Everybody--all must recognize it--they must
know that my honor stands as high as that of any man on the earth.
And it is to this end that I must be patient.... I realize it as you do,
... but the heart has reasons that reason knows not! If I could only put
my brain to sleep until the day when they find the guilty one I should
bear physical torments valiantly, I should not waver. And then think of
the atmosphere that is to envelop me on the path I have yet to follow!
But my heart must be silent. I gain each time new strength, new
patience, from your dear eyes.
Do not think any longer of my sufferings. You can comfort me only in
doing as you have done--in searching for the guilty one, without a
thought of truce--without an hour of rest.
I have read Pierrot’s few lines in Marie’s letter. Thank them both,
particularly the hand that directed the hand of Pierrot.
Make of our dear children vigorous and healthy beings.